Hi there-
I am so glad you wrote in and I only regret that this couldn't be an actual conversation because this back-and-forth typing business is not ideal. As you read my response, please read it with all the warmth, affection and humor your can imagine, because that is the spirit in which it is intended. I know this issue probably feels heavy and oppressive, but if we were chatting over coffee you would hear the loving-kindness of God in His word. He's the God who knows you and that you can know.
To begin, I am confident that 1 John 5:10-11 provides context for all of these type of questions. "He who has the Son has life, he who does not have the Son of God does not have life". The righteousness of God comes solely through personal trust in the Father's unique Son, the exact representation of His Being (Hebrews 1:2-3). Christ came to rescue rebels, to seek and save those who are lost (John 3:17). He knows his sheep and no one can snatch them from his hand.
As "Sabertooth" indicated in his comments, the fact that you want to know God and are worried about not being able to indicates that your heart is not seared. Read Psalm 51, written by David after his adultery, conspiracy, murder, and collateral murder (all the soldiers that died when Joab pulled back from Uriah). In verse 17 he writes under the inspiration of the Holy Spirit, " a broken and contrite heart, O God, you will not despise".
As with any relationship, interpersonal trust with God can't be imparted by family or compelled by any other individual or group. You know that from your experience in your home.
If you do a study in the New Testament, "faith" and "belief" are not primarily about intellectual assent to some biblical doctrines or propositions. After all, as James says, "even the demons believe and shudder" (James 2:19). Just recognizing that someone exists does not mean you are in a love relationship with them. There is no such thing as trusting Jesus as your Savior and not as your Lord. He can't be your Savior if he is not your Lord. On the day of Judgement Jesus will say "I never knew you" to those who called him "Lord" and did works in his name (Matthew 7:21) This is all consistent with your experience in High School and your experience through Bible college.
The issue is: are you in a personal relationship with the only One that saves, trusting in all that he has said and done on your behalf, not as a list of facts but as descriptions of a real person who loves you and has acted in history while you were still a sinner (Romans 5:8)?
Regarding your intentional sin to "punish" God, it's not really any different than the younger son in Jesus's parable about the two brothers. Jesus uses that parable to shame the self-righteous pharisees by showing the overflowing kindness of generosity God has toward rebels who turn to him. Note that the son comes back because he believed 1) his father was generous and 2)would at least receive him as a worker. The father then completely blows the son away with his generosity by first unashamedly running to meet the son (a complete indignity in the Middle East) then clothing him and giving him his signet ring.
If I can simplify, when you trust someone in any relationship, you step in confidence based not on the unknown, but on the known--what their character is. It sounds like you are listening to lies: God won't or can't take you back, God's goodness and grace is limited by your feelings. Read Exodus 34:5-7. That is what Yahweh, the God revealed to Moses and revealed by Jesus says about himself. He is a free agent. As Jesus said, the Son gives life to whomever he wishes. He is not limited by your current limitations and inability. He has a perpetual stance toward you, until death, of openness and invitation. All is not lost. Take heart. The key question is do you believe him?
What sometimes gets called "walking by faith" is really living your life on the basis of what he says is true rather than what your personal experience tells you is true. Hebrews 11:6 says that there are two things necessary to please God: 1) you believe there is Someone there to know and be in a right relationship with and that 2) your persistent seeking WILL be rewarded with relationship to your Creator.
To put it another way, if you in your despair give up on the idea that God will be pleased as you seek him, then you are no longer "earnestly" or "persistently" seeking him. You have been lulled into a deception that only certain types of people who persistently seek will be rewarded, something He has never said.
It sounds like Hebrews 6 is of high significance to you but I would hold up that passage against the countless examples from both the Old and New testaments in which God says and shows his desire to show his loyal, steadfast love to rebels (1 Corinthians 13 is the classic explication of "agape" which John notes is Yahweh's nature in 1 John 4:8). Additionally, the numerous passages that indicate the New Covenant is persistent (Hebrews 8 quoting Jeremiah 31).
On a personal note, I am a father. Jesus tells me that human fathers, though we are evil, give good gifts to our children, but that God as THE Father is unmatchable. If one of my kids told me to drop dead, denouncing our family, and later was grieved at and came back, I would throw my arms around them in a heartbeat. It is not possible that I am more loving the God of Everything.
To wrap up, the proof is in the pudding: true fellowship with God in Christ through the Spirit results in a transformed life. I would go with your conclusion #1 about Hebrews 6 and then point out that your wrestling is a clear indication that your heart has not been hardened beyond feeling. There is only one way that you can not "live the calling of God in your life", and that is to reject his grace through Jesus. He is just as advertised: faithful and just to cleanse you of all unrighteousness- past, present and future. He WILL complete the work He has begun in you. Yes, you are actively involved in obedience, after all you are in an interpersonal relationship with God when you are adopted into his family (Read Ephesians 1), but you are to "work out your salvation...because it is God who works and will IN you to FULFILL His good purpose." (Philippians 2:12-13)
I hope that is helpful. I'm not saying your marriage will be easy, but I think you are making yourself the main character of the story rather than Yeshua, "God Saves". If you will trust the character of God, revealed in the Cross, and act on that trust by living the new life he has given you (Titus 3:3-7) you will walk in newness of life, not because of your ability but because of his ability and faithfulness. And by the way, as far as your wife goes, "Nothing will be impossible for God". He alone knows the story He is declaring in your life together?
With Affectionate and Confident Hope-
