How can I accept my parent's love and gifts and learn to grow up?

[Neostarwcc]

Okay so, I had borrowed $1,000 from my mother about two winters ago because our kerosene tank got destroyed and my parents not only had to replace the tank but also replace the fuel that was in it. I had overdrafted on my bank account about $700 after my bank had completely taken away my disability check (I was like -$2,000+ in the hole because a payment that was supposed to go onto my credit card ended up going through my bank). I paid about $300 of that loan back over the years and got it down to $700. I then got a rent break from Feburary of this year until just recently this month. September was my first rent check in almost 7 months. So I vowed to my mom to pay that money back too. Then recently my mother also completely emptied out my credit cards of about $2,000 that I owed. So all in all I owe/owed my mom about $5,000.

But I recently went to my parents house and my parents said that they won't accept a single penny from me. My parents want to completely erase my debt and buy me a car so I can be in $4-$5,000 debt to them instead of to credit card companies. Honestly? I'd rather be in debt to credit card companies who to them who make billions and billions of dollars every year $5,000 is nothing to them. I begged them to at least let me pay off the car and they at least, agreed on that and aren't going to give us a $5,000 gift or $10,000 by the time you add everything up.

Honestly? Now I feel like crap because I charged $900 yesterday getting something for my wife that we needed and I honestly don't want to tell my parents because they'd flip. Even though it was something that we technically needed. I didn't tell my mom about ALL of my credit card debt either. I didn't tell her about one card that has a $350 balance on it because I didn't want her to flip and know that I was in debt almost $2,500-$3,000 at the time. So I was going to try to pay off myself. I paid a vast majority of it off myself but honestly? the credit card is just a scam it was supposed to be interest free for a year and I had it since June and just last month they started charging me over 30% interest on it!. So my wife and I are trying to make plans to completely pay it off in October and worry about the $900 that we charged yesterday another month.

But honestly, I just feel like crap because I thought that I was supposed to pay her back the $5,000 and pay off my credit cards you know, like a man should be and like I've done countless times over the years. I've borrowed and paid back MANY tens of thousands of dollars over the years and I've never been late for a payment once. So, I honestly don't get why my parents always constantly give me breaks and then constantly complaining about how much I charge when I've ALWAYS paid it back and have never charged outside of my means. How am I supposed to learn my lessons if I keep getting breaks all of the time?

I mean okay, my mom had no choice but to restore my overdrafted bank account but she could have let me pay back my credit cards like a man is supposed to do and like I've been doing for almost 8 years now. So it kind of makes me angry. But at the same time, I know that I need to grow up at least financially wise and make really smart financial decisions. I will always be a slave to God and to the Government but I don't want to be a slave to my mom. I don't want her to constantly give me breaks all of the time, that or I want to learn to accept it. To accept that my parents were a gift from God and that they are only trying to make my life easier because they love me and because my wife and I have a very limited income. How do I do this? How do I become the person that God wants me to be? I know what most of you are going to say, cut up your credit cards. But then if I did, would I be able to get credit back? Would I lose the credit score that I worked for almost 9 years to build? I have flawless credit but I think if I got rid of my credit cards completely I wouldn't be able to get another card again. And then what about purchases that cost more than $1,500 that I can't plan for? The government pretty much limits me to having $1,000-$1,500 at any one time if I want to "obey the law and the Government." so... I kind of have to have credit for the larger purchases that I have to make. It isn't just as easy as saving up for them and buying them in cash. I... just don't know...

 

[ToBeLoved]

Do you have a budget?

 

[Rescued One]

I decided to not borrow or loan money to relatives. If I had money I could part with, I gave it as a gift. Otherwise I informed the person I didn't have the money. And I'm not wealthy. The rest of the family could squabble over debts.

 

[The Righterzpen]

I know what most of you are going to say, cut up your credit cards. But then if I did, would I be able to get credit back?

First off; not having credit cards isn't going to destroy your credit that you've already established. If you have a mortgage, a car loan, or such type of consistent payment; you are still establishing credit. There's only really three ways you can hurt your credit score.

1. Don't pay.
2. Pay late.
3. Have too much debt to income ratio.

Also, the longer you have good credit; the less your score will fluctuate unless you start doing one of these three "no's".

Now if your parents weren't being manipulative about giving you money; by turning around and complaining about you using credit cards. I wouldn't mind them giving money. Some parents are happy to lend their kids money because their kids are responsible. Yet, it seems to me that your mother is being manipulative over this whole thing. And in that case; I'd say "No mom, I'm not going to accept any more money from you." and just don't tell her about your credit cards. After all, you are an adult and this is your life; with your own lessons to learn.

So, for what experience is worth; those are my thoughts.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Do you have a budget?

When I budget I budget month to month. Like, I add up everything that comes off of my credit cards every month and I pay that off and then I'll pay my cable bill, rent, ...etc. Whatever money I have left I usually call free to spend. But, I'll leave at least $200 in the bank usually. Except lately I've been leaving like $50-$100 because I've been trying to pay my credit cards off as quickly as I can. I started the year with like $6-$7,000 in credit card debt and mom paid off the last $2,000 or so.

 

[Neostarwcc]

First off; not having credit cards isn't going to destroy your credit that you've already established. If you have a mortgage, a car loan, or such type of consistent payment; you are still establishing credit. There's only really three ways you can hurt your credit score.

1. Don't pay.
2. Pay late.
3. Have too much debt to income ratio.

Also, the longer you have good credit; the less your score will fluctuate unless you start doing one of these three "no's".

Now if your parents weren't being manipulative about giving you money; by turning around and complaining about you using credit cards. I wouldn't mind them giving money. Some parents are happy to lend their kids money because their kids are responsible. Yet, it seems to me that your mother is being manipulative over this whole thing. And in that case; I'd say "No mom, I'm not going to accept any more money from you." and just don't tell her about your credit cards. After all, you are an adult and this is your life; with your own lessons to learn.

So, for what experience is worth; those are my thoughts.

Okay, I did not know that. Thank you for telling me that's a big relief! So if I did pay off the $900 that I charged in the next 3-4 months and then charged $1,200-$1,500 to complete what my wife and I need and pay it all off by April than I can cancel all 4 of my credit cards without it affecting my credit? What about credit score companies telling you that you have to keep an account open for 5+ years in order for your credit score to go up? Is that just a scam? Because, I've mostly just had my discover card for the last 5 and a half years or so because it's relatively low interest (about 11.99% or so) and I've opened/closed credit cards after the year of 0% interest was over . So all in all I've probably only paid like $200 interest over the last like 9 years so I thought it was smart but apparently credit card companies don't like that.

But anyway, let's say I cancel all of my cards in April. If after I decide that I can be smart with credit cards let's say 3-4 years in the future. I can apply for a credit card from say discover and they will see my 9 years of flawless payments and give me a credit card to use?

That could be how it works I guess. I mean back when I first started with credit cards only Capital one would give me a card and it was only because of when I went to college when I was 18 and my parents paid off my student loans for me. So that was like 7-8 years before that so maybe they do look at your history.

Idk if my parents guilt me or if they're just trying to get me out of debt here and want me to use my credit cards wisely. Honestly? My parents want me to save up more than $5,000+ and risk going to prison so that I can buy these things in cash and not have to go through credit card companies to borrow the money. But, I'm not going to do that. While odds are I'd never be caught by the government, God see's everything. You know?

 

[Neostarwcc]

I decided to not borrow or loan money to relatives. If I had money I could part with, I gave it as a gift. Otherwise I informed the person I didn't have the money. And I'm not wealthy. The rest of the family could squabble over debts.

Maybe that's why my parents have given my sister and I free money over the years. But mom sometimes asks for the money back with 0 interest and I could take 10+ years to pay it off for all she cares. Banks won't do that so obviously my sister and I like to borrow money from her. But it's like... most of the time when I take out a loan from her she ends up forgiving the money anyway so it's like... why? It makes me feel bad because my mom doesn't have a lot of money she only made like $35-$40,000 a year being a nurse for almost 40 years supporting my sister and I and my lazy dad for most of our lives.

Idk... I'd really LIKE to give her the money back but she won't take anything. I almost want to when I finish paying for the car and everything slip $1,000 onto her table and not say who it was from. But, that might not work because then she'd ask my dad where the money came from and he'd have to say "idk". lol.

 

[Tolworth John]

When I budget I budget month to month.

Work out a yearly budget.
Work out a monthly menu for shopping.
Never buy brands, always buy the cheaper supermarket own brand. Use second hand stores where ever possible.
Turn the thermostat down and wear jumpers/long johns etc
If you use credit, pay it all off the following month so you don't pay interest.

About your Mother, if she holds loans over you as a big stick, don't accept them, but it also follows don't borrow if you can't pay it back go with out.

I've kids starting out away from home and I want to help them and they want to be independant. It hurts seeing your child struggling.

If you don't want to hurt her, don't let her see you struggling.

 

[The Righterzpen]

So all in all I've probably only paid like $200 interest over the last like 9 years so I thought it was smart but apparently credit card companies don't like that.

I don't know if credit card companies "care" really; because frequently if you don't use a card in a year; they automatically close it; or put it in "inactive status".

But anyway, let's say I cancel all of my cards in April. If after I decide that I can be smart with credit cards let's say 3-4 years in the future. I can apply for a credit card from say discover and they will see my 9 years of flawless payments and give me a credit card to use?

Credit reports usually go back 7 to 10 years. Bankruptcies I think are on your credit report for life. And I think things like car loans and mortgages are on your credit report longer than other things. If an account is closed, it may show up on a credit report that you had it at one point; but no further information about it.

Idk if my parents guilt me or if they're just trying to get me out of debt here and want me to use my credit cards wisely. Honestly? My parents want me to save up more than $5,000+ and risk going to prison so that I can buy these things in cash and not have to go through credit card companies to borrow the money. But, I'm not going to do that. While odds are I'd never be caught by the government, God see's everything. You know?

You'd have to look into Social Security law. I know there are situations that you can have more than the "allotted" resource level. My son was on SSI and was in a car accident and got $40,000. settlement. That went into a supplemental needs trust. So there are legal ways around this. You'd have to look into it though. I know there's a burial fund one; and an IRA. There might be a "housing fund" allocation too; if you are saving up money for a down payment on a house.

Check into it.

Also, you need an active credit card for a lot of things. If you book a flight or hotel room, you can't do so without a credit card. So, they are a necessary evil.

 

[Neostarwcc]

I don't know if credit card companies "care" really; because frequently if you don't use a card in a year; they automatically close it; or put it in "inactive status".



Credit reports usually go back 7 to 10 years. Bankruptcies I think are on your credit report for life. And I think things like car loans and mortgages are on your credit report longer than other things. If an account is closed, it may show up on a credit report that you had it at one point; but no further information about it.



You'd have to look into Social Security law. I know there are situations that you can have more than the "allotted" resource level. My son was on SSI and was in a car accident and got $40,000. settlement. That went into a supplemental needs trust. So there are legal ways around this. You'd have to look into it though. I know there's a burial fund one; and an IRA. There might be a "housing fund" allocation too; if you are saving up money for a down payment on a house.

Check into it.

Also, you need an active credit card for a lot of things. If you book a flight or hotel room, you can't do so without a credit card. So, they are a necessary evil.

90% of the things you buy online you need a credit or a debit card for these days so I see your point. Maybe I won't cancel them but I'll learn to use them wisely.

Hmm I did some looking into it and maybe I could open a trust or ABLE account. They won't allow me to use the trust/account to pay off credit cards and I'd instead have to use the money for school or burying my wife and myself, and similar expenses but it beats the hell out of not being able to legally save money at all. Anyway! I told my mom to look into it. Because she probably wants to leave my sister and I money/property when she passes. So, I should be able to legally be able to accept that.

 

[Heavenhome]

90% of the things you buy online you need a credit or a debit card for these days so I see your point. Maybe I won't cancel them but I'll learn to use them wisely.

Hmm I did some looking into it and maybe I could open a trust or ABLE account. They won't allow me to use the trust/account to pay off credit cards and I'd instead have to use the money for school or burying my wife and myself, and similar expenses but it beats the hell out of not being able to legally save money at all. Anyway! I told my mom to look into it. Because she probably wants to leave my sister and I money/property when she passes. So, I should be able to legally be able to accept that.

Hi I'm just answering your statement about 90% online buys need to be on credit cards.
I have a Paypal account which takes the money out of my bank account. If I don't have the money there I don't buy.
If you did it this way, you could just have one credit card for emergencies. Maybe this is of some help.

 

[Neostarwcc]

Hi I'm just answering your statement about 90% online buys need to be on credit cards.
I have a Paypal account which takes the money out of my bank account. If I don't have the money there I don't buy.
If you did it this way, you could just have one credit card for emergencies. Maybe this is of some help.

Yes, I used to do that too. Till I overdrafted so many times and my mom had to constantly bail me out. It wasn't my fault either I had budgeted how much was coming out, it was just that most of the time Paypal doubled charged my bank or money would come out which I didn't know was coming out that I never signed up for. When I'm only allowed to keep like $1,000-$1,500 in my bank account at once having the charges come out of my bank was a REALLY bad idea. At least with a credit card you can dispute these transactions without potentially paying hundreds if not thousands of dollars in stop payment fees (My bank charges like $50 per transaction.)

Sadly this happens to me frequently enough. There was one time where my discover charged was charged almost $300 for those mouse thingys you stick in the wall to apparently deter mice from coming into your house. They were the biggest scam/waste of money ever. Not only did they not work at all but it took almost 3 months for them to be delivered to my house. I disputed it since I definitely did NOT make the transaction and Discover forced me to pay for the things. But there also was a time where discover forgave like $7,500 worth of charges made to my discover card too. So, it's not like they haven't saved me money over time.