House Divided

[?4TAW]

I need some TAW wisdom.

For those of you who converted to Orthodoxy without your spouse also converting, how is that working in your family? Do you go to one church while your spouse and children go to another? Has this created division and hard feelings? How do you deal with it?

In a similar vein, if a woman wanted to convert to Orthodoxy but her husband did not want her to leave their current "Christian" church, would the Orthodox say a woman is to submit to her husband or would the Orthodox position support disobedience so that the woman can convert and practice Orthodoxy? What did / would you do?

Thank you for any insight you can provide regarding these less than ideal real life problems.

 

[Iacobus]

I need some TAW wisdom.

For those of you who converted to Orthodoxy without your spouse also converting, how is that working in your family? Do you go to one church while your spouse and children go to another? Has this created division and hard feelings? How do you deal with it?

In a similar vein, if a woman wanted to convert to Orthodoxy but her husband did not want her to leave their current "Christian" church, would the Orthodox say a woman is to submit to her husband or would the Orthodox position support disobedience so that the woman can convert and practice Orthodoxy? What did / would you do?

Thank you for any insight you can provide regarding these less than ideal real life problems.

I was fortunate, and do not have this problem, but a lot of people do. One resource I know of is an active and loving Yahoo group that consists of people in this position, known as OXWOMS (Orthodox without my spouse). I don't have the url handy, but look in Yahoo groups.

 

[Michael G]

I need some TAW wisdom.

For those of you who converted to Orthodoxy without your spouse also converting, how is that working in your family? Do you go to one church while your spouse and children go to another? Has this created division and hard feelings? How do you deal with it?

In a similar vein, if a woman wanted to convert to Orthodoxy but her husband did not want her to leave their current "Christian" church, would the Orthodox say a woman is to submit to her husband or would the Orthodox position support disobedience so that the woman can convert and practice Orthodoxy? What did / would you do?

Thank you for any insight you can provide regarding these less than ideal real life problems.

There is a woman at my parish who is seeking to become a Catechumen who could really use everyone's prayers who is currently under the same situation. This woman's husband is a hard-core protestant who is offended that his children showed him how to properly venerate an icon one sunday. I hesitate to give her name on line because you never know who might be reading this. As for me, it took my x-wife 3 years after I converted to Orthodoxy to convert herself. HOWEVER, she had been going to Divine Liturgy with me every week since the very earliest stages of our dating and so while she had a harder time completely accepting and embracing Orthodoxy than I did and she was still technically a protestant while we were married, it did not really cause much problems. The biggest problems she had was with fasting and my attachment to icons. However, this was a much easier situation than most people who are Orthodox and have their spouses be of a different faith experience. My best advice would be to talk to the priest of the Orthodox church which you are looking into.

 

[Alexis OCA]

Dear ?4TAW,

During my many year of searching my wife has been very tolerant and supportive. She is what I would call a personally devout but non-practicing Catholic.

When I came to worship with the Orthodox Church she had no problem with that as long as I allowed our children to attend Catholic School and when the time came to allow them to receive the sacraments in the CAtholic Church. Her compromise was that when they wish, the children can attend Divine Liturgy with me. This they do fairly often. If they don't come with me I generally take them to a later Catholic Mass and I just sit and read my Orthodox prayer book.

So we seem to be working it out fine. My wife and children attended my chrismation and we celebrated with a late breakfast at the diner. A little compromise goes a long way and who knows what the future will bring for my wife and children. For now, compromise on both sides has brought family harmony (at least when it comes to religion!) Time will tell if my wife or children decide to join me. That is something I will not force but it is something I will pray for.

Hope that helped a bit. Good Luck.

 

[Momzilla]

Dear ?4TAW,

This is pretty much the situation I am in. My husband does not attend church at all, and in the past he has resented the time I spend attending any church, much less an Orthodox one. The best advice I can offer is to tread lightly and go slowly, so that your husband has time to adjust. Read, study, and pray, and attend the Divine Liturgy when you are able, and let him see the fruit in your life.

Would a compromise be possible? Could you, at least for a while, take turns attending each others' churches?

WRT obedience, I honestly think that's a question best addressed to a priest.

Good luck to you, my sister in Christ.

 

[vanshan]

?4TAW,

This is always a difficult situation, but most parishes see this happen. Is it possible to discuss this with your local priest? More than likely he could give you sound Orthodox advice.

It seems we are advised in scripture to stay with our spouses even if they are unbelievers, and I guess we could say heterodox also. I think most would advise being obedient to your husband, but gently try persuading him to let you attend some services in the Orthodox Church, or perhaps merely other services of the Church, aside from the Sunday Divine Liturgy.

Something is stirring within you. If you store that up in your heart, even if you can't persuade him to let you become Orthodox, I'm sure it will bear fruit for you. Our prayers are with you.

Basil

My wife was raised Southern Baptist, butwas open to Orthodoxy. She found much of Orthodoxy too "foreign" to embrace for several years after we were married. She was christmated into Orthodoxy last year. I rarely discussed Orthodoxy with her, but instead let her attend the services with me and let that seed gently grow in her heart until she was ready.

 

[elizabethevangeline]

I need some TAW wisdom.

For those of you who converted to Orthodoxy without your spouse also converting, how is that working in your family? Do you go to one church while your spouse and children go to another? Has this created division and hard feelings? How do you deal with it?

I'm not yet a convert but I regularly attend an Orthodox church. My husband was coming with me for awhile because he was trying to be the supportive husband but he needs more time. I've encouraged him to find a church he can feel safe in, to re-connect with his own spiritual life. Our children still attend our old evangelical church with my parents. It's hard, it has stirred up resentment and fearful responses from my husband. We can not longer assume we have everything in common. We are stuggling to navigate our way, but it's like we're adrift in a mine-field. It's not just about Orthodoxy but has brought up communication issues, old interpersonal problems, revealed our individual issues with God and faith. Sometimes it seems like everything has been laid bare and raw.

Gee, that's not much encouragement!

In a similar vein, if a woman wanted to convert to Orthodoxy but her husband did not want her to leave their current "Christian" church, would the Orthodox say a woman is to submit to her husband or would the Orthodox position support disobedience so that the woman can convert and practice Orthodoxy? What did / would you do?

Thank you for any insight you can provide regarding these less than ideal real life problems.

I don't know that there is an Orthodox position...I'm sure it's advised case by case but I can say that my parish is the one place I haven't felt the undercurrent of "a good wife would be following the lead of her husband", and yet they support my husband's hesitancy. I've really begun to see an attitude of everyone is on an individual journey that can't be forced, even as we are traveling together...I'm rambling with not much clarity. I think I'm trying to say I've seen some grace in action and hopefully will learn how to give it too, and at the same time I must follow Christ to where He is calling me.

All the advice you have received so far is good.

 

[MariaRegina]

Dear ?4TAW

My husband initially didn't want me to convert to Orthodoxy and the priest agreed as he didn't want another marriage destroyed. In our parish, quite a few conversions of the wife or husband only have led to divorces, so our priest did not want to accept me as a catechumen until (1) my husband approved or (2) he was ready to be accepted as a catechumen also.

However, my young son wanted to convert also. So my husband accompanied us to different Orthodox churches (OCA, Antiochian, Greek, and Serbian). My husband felt more comfortable in the OCA where he felt he could better communicate with the priest.

Our first compromise was finding an Orthodox Church where my husband felt comfortable attending occasionally and liked the priest.

Next, we began to pray together as a family every night incorporating confession of our sins to each other and mutual forgiveness. This was hard for all of us, but so essential and very scriptural. Check out the scriptures. We are to confess our sins to one another. The Lord's Prayer also stresses:

Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us.

So, we used the little Melkite Prayer Book as our common prayer book. This was the glue that held our family together.

If you look at the Orthodox Study Bible, there are morning and evening prayers given which can be prayed comfortably by Protestant Christians who are inquiring into the Orthodox Church. This is handy because of the psalms and New Testament reading which can be inserted into those prayers.

After two years of discernment, my husband agreed and we all became catechumens together.

Hope this helps.

Your sister in Christ,
Elizabeth

 

[?4TAW]

Thank you all very much for your encouraging stories, wise advice and for offering some hope.

Elizabethevangeline, I completely understand when you say "It's hard, it has stirred up resentment and fearful responses from my husband. We can not longer assume we have everything in common." This is familiar territory.

Patience, pace and prayer...(and not necessarily in that order!) those seem to be the operative words.

Thanks again.

 

[elizabethevangeline]

Patience, pace and prayer...(and not necessarily in that order!) those seem to be the operative words.
.

Bingo! and not qualities I am known for...

It's good to know others are walking a similiar path and many are praying for us and our families.

 

[psalm94:17]

I too am a convert and my husband did not convert with me. He was raised Congregational & then joined the Mormons(!) He did, thank God, leave them shortly after we married, after I gave him some factual material on them and let him reach his own decision..The problem is, because Mormons are completely convinced that theirs is the only "true church" and all others "apostate" he no longer is interested in ANY religion/church.

He was, however, very supportive of my being Chrismated, and attends with me often. I never force, I only ask and if he says no, I smile and thank him for the times he DOES attend and then go on my own.

When I recently decided to go back and attend an OCA church for Holy Week and possibly have it be my home parish (which I am pleased to announce I am doing just that!) he was eager to come with me and see the church and meet the people. He knew of the difficulties I had at the GO church but said he liked the liturgy there, so I was very happy about that! We went Tuesday night together and he was impressed with the church and also with the very warm reception we received.

I spoke with Fr. Matthew after Holy Thursday liturgy this morning and explained the situation, and his advice was to do what I'd been doing - encourage him to come when he will and also he said he would give me a good list of recommended books to pass along - he said above all to be patient and to let him some to the truth in his own time and the way God moves him to. I felt very heartened!

Sorry to babble on, just thought it might help a little - everyone here has helped me so much, I'd like to give some back