hopelessly same sex attracted

[Religiot]

I'm a lesbian and I hate it. I've known since I was like 11. I want to be a Christian and follow Jesus and be celibate so bad but I give in to my flesh and desire every single time it pops up, and the more often it happens the less guilty and concerned I feel.

I'm a virgin (thank God) but I'm scared one day I'm going to give in to my feelings and sin in the worst possible way of this I could. What people say get to me. "You're in denial. You can't run away from this. You can avoid it all you want but you're still a lesbian. You hate yourself. Stop hiding. I feel bad for you. I pity you. You've become just like the homophobes who hurt you, who hurt us. You want it. I know you do. Don't ignore your true feelings."

I hate it. I know it's wrong. But I want it so bad. But I'm losing the conviction of sin. I feel like a ticking time bomb who's going to sin and give up on God. I feel if the temptation was right in front of me right now, and I had an option to say no, I wouldn't say no. I just feel overwhelmed with desire. The more I avoid it the more I want it. The more it festers in me.
But I want to love God. I want to follow Jesus. I'm scared I'm not born again. If I loved Jesus I wouldn't willfully give in to temptations and willfully sin multiple times.

I hate being a homosexual, it's making me hate other homosexuals, sometimes I think about hurting myself or indulging in substances just to deal with the crippling sense of cognitive dissonance. I don't want it to be my identity, but I've thought of myself as "lesbian" for such a long time it's hard to shake off. I hate it. I just want it gone. I want it gone.

It's coming to the uncomfortable question of "if a girl kept pressuring you, flirting with you, or even worse, would you try to flee? or would you give in?" I fear it would be the latter. Because even though I don't want it, my carnal self, my flesh, does.

I don't even feel worthy to repent to God, because I've repented of the same thing tons of times. God isn't fooled by my crap, and it's probably gonna happen again. I hate myself too much to talk to God. He's probably ashamed of me.

And please, I don't want any comments telling me to hold out the hope for a straight marriage and children. I don't want to be married. I don't want kids. I don't want to lose my virginity. I am not attracted to anything about men.

I simply just wish I can be chemically castrated or something. To be removed of all sexual desire. That way I can be a celibate and never deal with same sex temptation ever again. It'll be so much easier to serve God that way. I don't see myself losing faith that way.

I don't know what I'm looking for here. Prayers? comfort? advice? I just hate myself. I want to stop being gay. I want to stop wanting it.

Child molesters have the same issue, many claim they want to stop wanting it.

Here's what the Lord recommends to child molesters:

"At the same time came the disciples unto Jesus, saying, Who is the greatest in the kingdom of heaven? And Jesus called a little child unto him, and set him in the midst of them, and said, Verily I say unto you, Except ye be converted, and become as little children, ye shall not enter into the kingdom of heaven. Whosoever therefore shall humble himself as this little child, the same is greatest in the kingdom of heaven. And whoso shall receive one such little child in my name receiveth me. But whoso shall offend one of these little ones which believe in me, it were better for him that a millstone were hanged about his neck, and that he were drowned in the depth of the sea." --Matthew 18:1-6

Only by submission to Christ, as their Master, can anyone overcome inordinate affections.

I think you know what the Spirit says about homosexuality, so I won't bother posting it, unless you'd like me to.

--Without actually fearing God, obeying Christ doesn't make any sense.