Hook me in 20 words or less

[Christianfantasy]

I prefer the middle one:

I was supposed to die. Things don't always go according to plan.

It's catchy and attention-snagging. If I read it as the opener of a story, I would definitely read more.

 

[Ninjitsu14]

Alright, thank you.

 

[Jesus_Luvs_techies]

Jessie Jordan was running for her life. What was she running from? Assassins! And the strange thing was... they could keep up with her!

How's that for 30?

 

[Shicoco]

I believe a good idea for an opening sentence is a delayed sentence (I think this is what they're called). Anyhow, this is where the meaning of the sentence is at the end.

Example: "The pedestrian bent down to tie his shoe, when the car hit him."

Oh, and this is my first post

 

[Ninjitsu14]

Yay! Welcome! That was a good opening, too.

 

[Shicoco]

I don't think the first line is as important as the second one. Most of us would read at least two sentences into a book before deciding on it. I think the first sentence should be interesting, and the second one should be just as good or better...this would give the sense that the book is getting better....

I think each sentence should give the reader a reason to read the next one, each sentence should be more interesting than the last. Some stories don't start off with a BANG! or an otherwise catchy statement that would make readers close the book to call their best friend and tell them about it. Some stories start off with a subtle, soft mood, and gradually build up over the first chapter (unless you're JK Rowling, then you make the first chapter of your first book as boring as humanly possible).

I dunno, maybe I'm wrong, what do others think?

 

[Livingadream2]

I would go with the second option too. It raises interesting questions.



"I was supposed to die. Things don't always go according to plan."



Why was he supposed to die? Who decided he should die? Did he deserve it? Was he on Death Row? Or did he have a fatal disease? Was he in an accident that should have been deadly? Had someone taken a hit out on him? How and why did the plan change? Who or what changed it? Is the Divine involved?

I would read more just to find out what’s going on. I definitely want to know.

 

[Ninjitsu14]

Thank you for all your interesting ideas. Now I just need to find the perfect wording to get the opening right

 

[Shicoco]

Writing something?

 

[Ninjitsu14]

Yes. Trying to write a book actually, but I can't seem to get past the opening. Here's what I have so far...

I was supposed to die. Things don’t always go according to plan. I remember that night more vividly than any other. It began just like any other night, as I was preparing for bed.
Most people will tell you that demons and angels don’t really exist, and even if they did, they don’t go to the world of humans. Well, I’m afraid I have to prove you wrong.
On this very night, a demon came to my house, sent to kill me. I suppose you could say he was the equiavalent to an Angel of Death. Except that he gained nothing from killing me, only satisfaction.
Perhaps the only thing that saved me was my necklace. A family friend brought it back from one of his trips to Europe, and he had bought it as a souvenir. I had no idea that the spirit of an angel had been sealed within it.
As I was sleeping, the demon entered my room, and prepared to suck out my soul and kill me. However, a bright light shone from my necklace, and it shattered, the spirit of the angel being released from within. It was around this time that I awoke, and stared at the sight before me. An angel and a demon were fighting in my bedroom.
The angel raised her hand, and a glistening sword of pure silver flashed into her hand. She drew her arm back, and flew forward with her magnificent wings. Slashing to the right with her arm, she was stopped midswing by the burly demon’s claw.


It doesn't sound right to me, like I'm not getting what I really want to get across...

 

[Jesus_Luvs_techies]

I think you're right though it still makes me want to read more.

 

[Shicoco]

Yes. Trying to write a book actually, but I can't seem to get past the opening. Here's what I have so far...

I was supposed to die. Things don’t always go according to plan. I remember that night more vividly than any other. It began just like any other night, as I was preparing for bed.
Most people will tell you that demons and angels don’t really exist, and even if they did, they don’t go to the world of humans. Well, I’m afraid I have to prove you wrong.
On this very night, a demon came to my house, sent to kill me. I suppose you could say he was the equiavalent to an Angel of Death. Except that he gained nothing from killing me, only satisfaction.
Perhaps the only thing that saved me was my necklace. A family friend brought it back from one of his trips to Europe, and he had bought it as a souvenir. I had no idea that the spirit of an angel had been sealed within it.
As I was sleeping, the demon entered my room, and prepared to suck out my soul and kill me. However, a bright light shone from my necklace, and it shattered, the spirit of the angel being released from within. It was around this time that I awoke, and stared at the sight before me. An angel and a demon were fighting in my bedroom.
The angel raised her hand, and a glistening sword of pure silver flashed into her hand. She drew her arm back, and flew forward with her magnificent wings. Slashing to the right with her arm, she was stopped midswing by the burly demon’s claw.


It doesn't sound right to me, like I'm not getting what I really want to get across...

First off, before you write another word, have a theme. This will separate your fantasy story from every other one out there.

Ok, the opening, you're making more like a narrative, but it's supposed to be a flashback. Which one is it going to be? What was the basic plot going to be of your story? If I knew that I might be able to help you out more.

Another tip, be creative; what can you do to make it so your story isn't like every other one out there? Be unique. And label your story with a theme. One that fits your plot.

 

[Ninjitsu14]

The boy becomes an angel. And the first part is his struggle with being a human and hiding his wings and angelic qualities.

The second part of the book is about his assignment from God to be a guardian angel--the only problem is he's assigned to someone from his school, who recognizes him. He then has to run away because people know his secret.

 

[Shicoco]

Well, as for the first part, it's ok to narrate in a flash back, but make the transition a little smoother. Instead of just starting a new paragraph, why don't you start a new section like

_____________________________________________


this.

 

[Christianfantasy]

Ninjitsu14--it sounds interesting. I hope the writing goes exceptionally well for you!

Shicoco, could you clarify something for me? What did you mean when you said Ninjitsu needs a 'theme'? It's probably great advice, but I wasn't sure exactly what you meant in this context.

 

[Shicoco]

Ooh, I didn't clarify that as much as I should have.

Ninjitsu14 might already have a theme, I'm not sure, but I mean if he doesn't have one, he needs one.

To clarify another thing, it is hard to write a story that has no theme. If I say something like, "That fantasy has no theme," you can generally equate that with, "that fantasy's theme is just like every other."

An example of an overused theme in fantasy is good defeating evil, or revenge. I would like to see more themes that go deeper than that

 

[Vehementi Dominus]

"Read the rest or these words will leap out the page, string themselves together in a noose and hang you."

 

[Ninjitsu14]

The theme, I've decided, is everyone has their own perception of good, but not every perception is the right one.

 

[Christianfantasy]

Thanks, Shicoco; that clarification was very helpful. Now I have another question. My all time favorite theme, for general fiction as well as fantasy, is redemption. (Not that I always write about it; it’s just my single favorite theme.) Do you consider that one overdone?

[Note. In this context, I’m not using ‘redemption’ to mean Christian salvation. I mean it in a more personal sense, especially in terms of a character whose life has suffered a major setback, either of his or her own making or due to circumstances beyond their control, and who at long last either starts putting the pieces back together again, or else is given a second chance. That’s not the best explanation, but maybe it helps.] (Sunstruckdream, if you’re reading this, think Moonfisher. )]

Also, Shicoco, do you have a link for Christian Writers? What is the purpose of the group? Do you beta for each other, or just discuss writing in general?

Wow, Vehementi Dominus—I LOVE your opener!! It's great!

Ninjitsu—that is an intriguing theme.

 

[Ninjitsu14]

Christianfantasy - I love that theme as well. There are many people who read books who gain a sense of satisfaction when the main character finally redeems his/herself.

That may be the theme for the sequal...