HOCD and Spreading... my story and my struggle.

[simonsays89]

Hi all. I'm really excited to find a large community of Christians who are struggling with OCD. I mean, I am not happy that others are struggling, but I am happy to learn that there are others I can go through the struggle with. I've typed up my story before, so I will copy and paste that here. I will also provide a quick background on my faith.

I grew up in a Christian home, attending a church that's part of the Fellowship of Grace Brethren churches. My parents were never really huge role model Christians in my childhood, but we went to church on most Sundays. My grandma led me to Christ at the age of 8. I kind of mindlessly followed until about age 13, when I joined a program called Bible Quizzing. I was really good at it, and really enjoyed it, and I really believed that getting into the Word of God transformed my faith. I also attended a lot of youth conferences where God really moved in my heart and I could see him moving in the hearts of others. I am currently 19 and attending a public college. I distanced myself from my faith for a little while, but am slowly getting back into fellowship with a Christian church/group on campus that seems really welcoming.

Ok, so here's my OCD Story. (it's long so bear with me. But PLEASE READ!)

So up until now I had never questioned my sexuality. Even though I have only ever had one girlfriend, and we never did anything sexual, I was always comfortable with myself. I truly believed that God would bring the right girl into my life at some point. Also being a Christian, I believe it is important to stay pure. I've always viewed sex as something for a husband and wife, and since I haven't even had a serious girlfriend, I haven't really had the temptation to have sex.

My beliefs were shaken incredibly one night when I was in my college dorm looking for a study room. All of them were taken, so I decided to go into one that was occupied by a guy that I know on a casual basis. He is very openly gay. If you think of a stereotypical gay man, this is him. (I don't mean this to be offensive at all, btw. I know gays and straights come in all different kinds of people). He has a higher voice, always dresses up, has somewhat feminine features/a baby face (think Chris Colfer), pretty much only hangs out with girls, sews dresses for his friends in his spare time, and is a human sexualities minor.

So I get to talking to this guy, and I don't even remember how the conversation ended up there, but all of a sudden we were talking about gay people and how our families, religions, society, etc. views them. I shared with him my point of view (not to delve into detail, but it is guided by religion, although I am accepting of gay people. I have several gay friends, including one of my very best friends from high school who I helped through a traumatic coming out experience when his family turned his back on them). Then the conversation took a turn and he uttered something that has changed life as I know it. He told me that when he met me for the first time, he thought I was gay. I was taken aback by this. I began to feel uneasy. Suddenly he began to ask me questions, questions about my relationships, childhood, etc. I answered each one honestly, but all of a sudden my head started to get all panicky. As this guy told me stories from his childhood that he felt explained how he figured out he was gay, I found myself going through my childhood and checking off with relief that my experiences did not match up with his.

The conversation eventually ended, but not before he told me he has heard nine other people talk about my sexuality. This hurt me. I was suddenly self conscious of something I never had a reason to be before. I knew I wasn't the most stereotypically masculine guy, but I was always confident in my desire for women and my sexuality. Suddenly I started to rack my brain for answers to questions like, "Who was questioning my sexuality?" "Why were they questioning it?" "What do I do that comes across as gay?" and the worst of all, "What if I AM gay?"

The next few days were torturous. I talked with a few close friends about it, and they assured me they don't think I am gay. That would make me feel better, but only for a time. I'd be by myself and start thinking about it again. The dreaded what if would come into my head and I would think of a million things to justify my heterosexuality, but for every justification I came up with, another question/contrary thought would come into my head. I also feel a lot of stress talking to new people that I meet now. For example, at work the other day I was talking to this new girl. She is pretty cool. Not sure if I'm interested, but we're both the same major and I enjoyed talking to her. But in the back of my mind I would think, "Does she think I'm gay?" "How am I coming across right now?" "How does my voice sound?" "Is my body language conveying anything that might be construed as gay?" I've also applied some of these questions to close friends, which is the hardest. To think that any of my close friends might doubt my sexuality scares me to death and brings me back to the dreaded, "What if?"

It's horrible. Even though I think I'm straight, believe that God only makes people straight, and have only ever envisioned myself with girls, I can't convince myself that I am straight anymore. Some days are better than others, but so many red flags get raised that make me question. Like, "What if I'm only straight because I'm a Christian. I could really be gay but be repressing it," "What if I'm a latent homosexual?," "How will I really know until I actually have sex? But I want to wait until marriage, so how will I ever really be sure?" and the follow up to that is, (not an OCD question, but one that worries me greatly) "will I ever be able to have a healthy relationship?" I also increasingly am anxious when the subject of homosexuality comes up. I constantly wonder who speculates my sexuality. It scares me to death thinking I give off a gay vibe

This has progressed to an obsession about the whole issue of homosexuality altogether. I find myself spending hours researching the theological issue of it, googling testimonies/success stories of people who have left the homosexual lifestyle, etc. I try and find comfort in the fact that, "well, if I am gay, I can change."

In the title of this post I talk about my HOCD spreading... that is because I've been increasingly pressed to find "proof" that God really is real and that a belief in Christ is the way to heaven. I've spent hours scouring the web looking up prophecy, conversion stats, testimonies, etc. I have never doubted my faith so much than right now... last night I was practically in tears over it. I can't stop thinking about it though!! This "HOCD" as I have self-diagnosed, seems to be spreading to other areas.

I need help. I acknowledge that. I called and made an appointment with a counselor/psychologist today. I'm also going to talk to my pastor. I was just wondering, in the meantime, what others make of my story (specifically my HOCD claims) and if you all have any advice to give me. Words of encouragement, Bible verses, etc. are also welcome. Even just acknowledgement of my story and letting me know what you make of it/if there's anything you can identify with would be so great.

Thanks for reading and God bless!

 

[CrossPilgrim]

(Deleted by poster)

 

[hollyda]

HOCD is a very common form of OCD. I know it can be very confusing, especially given a strong religious upbringing...but homosexuality isn't something you just become. You either are gay or you aren't. Due respect to the post above me, but advice from those who don't understand OCD and the effects it can have -- or to characterize it as "the devil" -- can likely have a negative effect, regardless of their intentions.

First of all -- you won't "give in". Why? You aren't gay. People who have unwanted violent thoughts likewise won't "give in". Why? They aren't violent people.

Second of all -- Stop checking. That's a compulsion. Stop asking for reassurance. It's also a compulsion. As you said, it gives you fleeting relief, but there's a reason the relief is only fleeting. The only way to successfully cope with OCD is to admit the thoughts are there and not fight them. That is NOT the same as "giving in". That's to say: "You're a thought. You can't hurt me. You can't change me. I don't want you here, but I can't make you go away, so I guess I'll have to take you with me."

I also find it therapeutic to get angry at your obsessive thoughts. They're invading your life, after all. They're pushing their way into your head, and you don't want them there. Treat them like a foreign entity; if you want to call them the devil, you can, but these are thoughts you can't help. You didn't ask for them. You don't want them. There is no shame in having OCD. I know that can be hard to grasp, and it took me years to get to that point, but THERE IS NO SHAME IN OCD. OCD is a disease, like a cold or the measles. There is no shame in getting a cold, and there is no shame in having OCD. One doesn't ask for either; it's just something that happens to them.

You can't "become" gay if you're straight. You're either gay or you're not. This isn't like becoming Methodist or getting a tan; your brain is hardwired one way.

However, the sufferer's constant focus on not becoming aroused or checking that they do not become aroused may lead to 'groinal response'. Many OCD sufferers take this groinal response as actual arousal, when in reality it is not. OCD sexual obsessions often result in guilt, shame, depression and may interfere with social functioning or work. On the subject of sexual arousal. Maybe 40% of sufferers (number could be higher due to the embarrassment associated) also report some accompanying physiological arousal. Reactions can include increased heart rate, a feeling of being turned on, and even erections, increased lubrication (in women), and [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse]. This response typically generates more confusion and uncertainty. Normally however this is a conditioned physiological response in the primitive thalamus of a brain which does not identify the thought as sex with a particular person, just sex. This is generally not indicative of one's own personal desires.

This article was written by a gay man WITH OCD. "I'm gay and you're not"

From the same article:

HOCD felt real to its sufferers just as my own obsessions had felt real to me. Again, duh! OCD always feels real. If it did not, it would not be OCD. It plays with your mind, making you believe lies and doubt truth.

I would later learn that truly gay people may also get HOCD, but that they falsely fear that they are heterosexual. Bisexuals with HOCD have the false fear that they are attracted to only one sex, usually the one they are not currently involved with. These facts alone should help straight HOCD folks to see that they are indeed straight. HOCD is an illness, and who but a gay HOCD sufferer would fear being straight, the thing society prizes? Just as HOCD obsessing over being straight = gay in reality, HOCD obsessing over being gay = straight in reality. Straight folks with HOCD know deep down that they are not gay. But I am getting ahead of myself.

On the other hand, straight HOCD folks will never be happy with gay thoughts. Because they know that they are straight; they fight against the gay lies HOCD puts into their heads. Their gay thoughts cause them pain by trying to trick them into thinking they are gay. They never accept that they are gay because, quite frankly, they are not. For this reason, they have never been in the closet.

Allow me to rephrase. As you can see, although straight HOCD folks and closeted gay folks both suffer because of fear in their minds, they are nothing alike. Gays in the closet try to trick themselves into thinking they can be straight; straight HOCD folks are tricked by their thoughts (not by themselves!) into fearing they are gay. On a primal level, however, gay people always know that they are gay no matter what tricks society employs. Straight people always know that they are straight no matter what tricks HOCD employs.

Your OCD mind will try to tell you that a certain scenario doesn't apply to you. The decision is yours whether or not to fight back for your mental health. But please -- don't let people tell you you're being tempted. You're not. For you to be tempted, it would have to be something you want, and these thoughts AREN'T wanted. I've lived with OCD for over twenty years, I know of what I speak. As I said, HOCD is an incredibly common manifestation of OCD. Millions have been where you are right now.

If you need a place to talk about your obsessive thoughts, I'm also on a forum called Stuck In A Doorway. It's for people with OCD to discuss their obsessions -- including HOCD and other sexual obsessions -- and for others to impart coping mechanisms. If you're willing to work for your mental health, you've already won half the battle.

There's a thread at SIAD from someone with experience in HOCD. I think you might find it helpful: link. It's encouraging and, more importantly, TRUE.

 

[BeccaLynn]

You have received excellent responses to your question. I would like to tell you a few things that happened to my husband, who is definitely not gay, but things that, if he had ocd, would have probably been used to undermine his faith as well.

My husband was never raised in church, but when he became a Christian and found a church where he made wonderful friendships, he became very involved and spent a lot of time with those friends. He said it all seemed very good at first, until things seem to unravel and people began doing things that made it hard for him to trust them. One woman came up to him and said that she felt God was letting her know that my husband had homosexual tendencies (we weren't married at the time). He jokingly says that God didn't let him know that.

Another time, a close friend of his confided that he himself struggled with homosexual feelings. My husband thinks that during one of their friendly meetings, his friend made a "hit" on him.

Also, while working as a sales rep. for a furniture company, he sold a lamp to a guy who appeared to display definite feminine characteristics. Later that day, the man called my husband's place of employment and asked him if he was "taken." By the way, a woman also made a hit on him the same day. So, please don't take any of what this man said as a "sign." My husband makes the comment that he's "well-rounded" because he likes to shop and spends more time grooming himself than I do. But, he gets excited over guns and other weapons and is really into action movies. He can be as comfortable around women as well as men. However, like I said before, if he had ocd, it could easily lead him to obsess over the fear of being gay. But he doesn't have ocd, so he sees it for what it is - lies.

I hope this helps at least a little.

 

[CrossPilgrim]

Hey there. It seems I may have jumped the gun a bit concerning the thoughts being temptations. If you feel no draw at all, then they are simply unwanted thoughts, and thus lies. I apologize if I frightened you.

But my response still stands in that you are not gay.

We're here for you to pray, calm and comfort. May God give you the strength to pull through.

 

[simonsays89]

Hi all, thanks for the responses! I haven't been on to check the past few days, because when my mind isn't on the issue, I try and keep myself away from it. I've had a really good past three or four days. I kind of hit rock bottom the night I posted this and ended up breaking down in tears on the phone with my mom. I prayed really hard that night and really relied on Jesus and I did feel comforted. Since that night I've only had very lingering feelings/fears but they've been very manageable.

I'd like to respond to each of you, since I really took something different away from each of your replies.

CrossPilgrim, Don't worry, I didn't think you were accusing me of being tempted into homosexual behavior. The thoughts that come into my mind TERRIFY me, or if it's something graphic that I use as a form of checking, they disgust and terrify me further. Have still never felt tempted to act on any homosexual activity. I definitely believe that part of the issue is the evil one attacking me. My first reaction to that conversation with the guy which started all of this was that I felt like I had experienced a spiritual attack. I met with my pastor and he also agreed that it played a big role in this. I don't know how convinced he was about the OCD, but he told me I should definitely explore it with a psychologist.

hollyda, Thanks for bringing up that article. It was one of the first things that introduced me to HOCD and helped assure me that I am not crazy. I also think I have to accept that I'm struggling with something very real right now like you said. This is probably the biggest "life crisis" to date I've had. I do feel a little bit of shame, but one thing the research has helped me realize is that I'm not alone.

BeccaLynn, WOW your post helped me the most. It's interesting, because before this mess started I seemed to be a lot like your husband. It gives me hope that maybe I can be like that again someday. When I first read through your reply, a shiver went through my spine. If this were to happen to me now, I would downward spiral and spike for sure. If you don't mind me asking two questions, 1. How do you, as a wife, deal with people making those accusations to your husband? Have you ever doubted him/seen what they see? 2. How does your husband deal with this when it comes up? Just shrug it off? I have a lot of respect for him being so confident and hope I can get over this and be comfortable with myself again.

I have an appointment with a psychologist on Tuesday. I'll let you guys know how it goes. The prayers are GREATLY appreciated too, so thank you to those of you who have been praying.

 

[brownbyrd]

Hello there! I have just joined this forum on hope to find like-minded individuals with a christian perspective of their anxiety. My backstory would take forever so summing it up I am a 29yr old married female who has suffered with anxiety/irrational fears on and off for about 9 yrs. I was so baffled by this at first because I could not figure out why I would be inflicted with this kind of disease. I come from a wonderful family and had a very comfortable childhood. through the years Ive learned that it has been part of me since I was little. I fit the personality type of and anxious person to a tee. Deep thinker and feeler. I seem to want to chase every thought down and analyze it. My question is is this something you all experience all the time? I am completly baffled by the fact that I can go a year or so feeling completly balanced and "normal" and can brush "what if" thoughts right out of my head. And then it just hits..an unwanted thought and then my whole body is out of whack. It upsets me greatly because I have been drawing nearer to the Lord and now when I feel like this I fell completly alienated from him. that makes me panic. and the worst is when I read about "demonic" things which can make a person with OCD terrified. What if Im evil and just dont know it? ( even as Im writing that I know its not true but it doesnt make me fear it any less) I hate feeling like this. I would appreciate if anyone has insight.....God Bless
Holly