His Past Relationships...

[Lovely Lamb]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about five months. I told him on our first date about my desires to wait for marriage until sex and he completely understands. He doesn't try to pressure me into it and he knows where the boundries are. I knew from the start that he had had sex before, and when we first started dating it didn't bother me too much...but every day I fall more in more in love with him and the more it seems to hurt that he's been sexually active in previous relationships.

I hate this feeling...I'm not even sure what to call it. Jealousy, maybe? I get so happy and excited when we talk about the idea of getting married some day...but then my mind wanders and I remember he's had sex before and it makes me cry. Sex has never appealed to me before for various reasons, but with him it's different...and even though I know it's in the past it still hurts to know about those things.

I really don't know what to do. I have nothing against him or the girls from his past, I just have a hard time dealing with the thoughts of him with other girls and the thought of it no longer being a special thing for him. Is it wrong for me to feel this way and what should I do??

I hope this is an okay place for me to post this and I would really really appreciate some advice and prayers...

 

[xDenax]

I don't think it's wrong for you to be sad but beyond that I'm not sure I'd have any advice. I can understand it though. Neither my husband nor I were virgins when we met and I had a difficult time thinking of him being with other women. It bothered me for a long time. Now, not so much. They were in his past but I've been with him much longer and our relationship is completely different.

 

[IDDQD]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about five months. I told him on our first date about my desires to wait for marriage until sex and he completely understands. He doesn't try to pressure me into it and he knows where the boundries are. I knew from the start that he had had sex before, and when we first started dating it didn't bother me too much...but every day I fall more in more in love with him and the more it seems to hurt that he's been sexually active in previous relationships.

I hate this feeling...I'm not even sure what to call it. Jealousy, maybe? I get so happy and excited when we talk about the idea of getting married some day...but then my mind wanders and I remember he's had sex before and it makes me cry. Sex has never appealed to me before for various reasons, but with him it's different...and even though I know it's in the past it still hurts to know about those things.

I really don't know what to do. I have nothing against him or the girls from his past, I just have a hard time dealing with the thoughts of him with other girls and the thought of it no longer being a special thing for him. Is it wrong for me to feel this way and what should I do??

I hope this is an okay place for me to post this and I would really really appreciate some advice and prayers...

As a virgin I was in several similar relationships in the past where I was (and still am) a virgin but my partners weren't. Ultimately they didn't work out due to the fact I had the same dilemma that you're speaking of now. I've had people tell me that I was being judgmental, that I was holding their past against them. However, I disagree with them (for the sake of staying on topic, I'm not going to expand on this; I can talk to you more about the basis of my disagreement via PM if you want/are curious). We all have things in the context of a relationship called deal breakers, things that, in the long run, will make the potential marriage rocky and rough, eventually leading to divorce in most cases. These are, in my opinion, serious concerns that have to be talked about either while dating or via disclosure when engaged.

A marriage is supposed to be a lifetime, "till death do us part" commitment and if you feel like you can't see yourself in a lifetime commitment with this man because you're not comfortable, then I think it's best to let him know that. Be honest with him.

Hopefully you and him can still be friends even if you and him aren't boyfriend/girlfriend. I hope you'll keep me updated on what's going on.

 

[none the wiser]

He's with you now. It's going to be special regardless, because he's never had sex with you.

This whole thing of it not being as special if you're not a virgin is horse poo, and it really bugs me that people in the church still teach that. I was told in sunday school that I am like used chewing gum that no one will ever want again. *rolls eyes*

Sex is always special when there is love involved.

Think about what he's doing for you. He's waiting for you, never pressuring, and he knows what he's missing. But he's still hanging around. That's love right there, and I think it's evidence that he thinks of sex as just as important and special as you do.

It might help to talk to him.

 

[IDDQD]

This whole thing of it not being as special if you're not a virgin is horse poo, and it really bugs me that people in the church still teach that. I was told in sunday school that I am like used chewing gum that no one will ever want again. *rolls eyes*

I'm sorry that this Sunday school told you that. That's not the kind of message they should be sharing.

At the same time, even out of the context of the church, this is still a legitimate issue for some people. I wouldn't dismiss it simply on the basis of it coming from the church as well as a bad church experience. There are people who have this same view but it's based on research, academic readings, life experiences, and so on.

I may not agree with some of the deal breakers of others in the context of a relationship (i.e. doesn't have a car, is missing teeth, makes less than minimum wage, etc.). However, I still put myself in their shoes and try to understand the reasoning behind it and regardless of whether or not I agree with it, I support them and would defend them from those who are dead set in trying to change them through scare tactics, negative reinforcement, slander, and so on.

 

[gzt]

This is slightly significant: does he now not believe in sex before marriage [ie, has he repented of his past behavior?], or is he only content to wait for you? I think the treatment of this is different if he has repented of his past behavior than if he hasn't.

 

[Luther073082]

I can understand the jealousy but for me, I think you need to just stop thinking about it and try to put it into the past.

The more you stew upon it the worse its going to be.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

He's with you now. It's going to be special regardless, because he's never had sex with you.

Ding! Ding! Ding!
We have a winner.

I always found people who won't be with someone simply because of them being sexually active before they were even in a relationship with them to be ridiculous. It's passing judgment on a person for mistakes they made, in most cases, before they even met you. A very arrogant and self-righteous thing to do.

What matters is that he is with you now and respects your wishes. Who cares if he slept with someone before? Should you also be judged for mistakes you made by him because he might not agree with them? Especially because it's something he cannot change now. There is no reset buttons in life.

The best thing you can do is discuss the situation with him and either let it go and accept the past as the past and the fact that he is with you now and loves you enough to respect you, or get out of the relationship because you can't handle the fact that he can do nothing to change what he's done.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

It's up to you, and nobody should judge you for whatever decision you make. Ideally, you can get past this and celebrate that he is choosing you as his physical partner forever and ever. If you can't, if this is important to your heart, then you move on with no regrets and let nobody else foist them upon you. It should be wonderful and perfect, and if you carry a grudge against him, it will come back. Only you can know if you can it away for good, and it's your decision. Don't feel guilty no matter what you decide!

 

[none the wiser]

Just to clarify, I'm not trying to devalue the OP's feelings. I totally understand those feelings...I'm a very jealous person. If not being a virgin is a deal-breaker, it's okay.

But I am trying to dispel the thought that sex is less special when you've had it before, or that her bf feels that way. Because genuinely, I don't think he does.

Overwhelmingly, most people who have had many partners say that their spouse, the very last one out of however many, is still special. More special, even.

It's hard for someone who has been told over and over that sex is somehow devalued by premarital sex or multiple partners to understand that, through no fault of their own. I had a lot of baggage to deal with due to teachings like that myself.

I'm not saying you should have premarital sex, promoting it or whatever. I'm just saying someone's past sexual experience does not devalue your current relationship simply by existing.

I think talking to your bf about his past, OP, might make you feel better. Tell him how you feel. Hopefully he'll address your concerns with the love and care he seems to show you already.

 

[Lovely Lamb]

Thank you to everyone for the advice and opinions~!

He basically says that it was a mistake being with so many girls but I don't think he really regrets it. It's not that he is now against pre-marital sex, for example...he's just fine with waiting for me.

As I said, I am not judging him, per se...I have many friends who are sexually active. In fact, one of them has three children and she's younger than me. But, at the same time I have always pictured myself with a virgin...it may sounds judgemental of me, but it's not as though I feel like if someone is not a virgin then I'm better than them. I have dated several guys who were no longer a virgin. I guess the thing that bothers me the most in this situation is the fact of them not even being relationships. He's confessed to me that I am his first real girlfriend and that the other girls he went out looking for just for sex.

I know I need to let it be in the past and "get over it", and that's why I came here...so I could get some Christian help and support.

@IDDQD; IF you wouldn't mind, I would love to hear more about the disagreements...

 

[Luther073082]

I think it is a concern that he doesn't belive sex before marriage to be wrong. For a successful relationship you two need to share similar core values and your core values then may not be the same.

 

[Kembomani]

There is also the possibilty that you might be worried about how you will measure up to the others he has been with.

 

[peacemaker19800]

My boyfriend and I have been going out for about five months. I told him on our first date about my desires to wait for marriage until sex and he completely understands. He doesn't try to pressure me into it and he knows where the boundries are. I knew from the start that he had had sex before, and when we first started dating it didn't bother me too much...but every day I fall more in more in love with him and the more it seems to hurt that he's been sexually active in previous relationships.

I hate this feeling...I'm not even sure what to call it. Jealousy, maybe? I get so happy and excited when we talk about the idea of getting married some day...but then my mind wanders and I remember he's had sex before and it makes me cry. Sex has never appealed to me before for various reasons, but with him it's different...and even though I know it's in the past it still hurts to know about those things.

I really don't know what to do. I have nothing against him or the girls from his past, I just have a hard time dealing with the thoughts of him with other girls and the thought of it no longer being a special thing for him. Is it wrong for me to feel this way and what should I do??

I hope this is an okay place for me to post this and I would really really appreciate some advice and prayers...

You have my prayers! Please allow me to tellyou to SLOW DOWN!! Yo are young and veryVUNERABLE. I use to be young like you and whle I never feel In "love" as easy, I know how it feels when you think you and a person "connect". You need to stand back and analyze the situation. You have only being dating for 5 months, he has already had sex and though he says he "respects" you wanting to wait....he could try to con you into sex by saying "we're gona get married anyway" or smething crazy like that...Then when he gets it he is out the door. Do NOT fall for him (at least not now) wait this out and see where it takes the two of you. I wish the both of you the best of luck..If you feel you're getting too close to fast ...take up a hobby or sport. Focus on some things you LIKE doing instead of putting your focus into a relationship. You will be surprised with the outcome. Take care of yourself sweetie.

 

[gzt]

Luther - I agree. And, even more importantly, is this man a Christian?

 

[peacemaker19800]

. He's confessed to me that I am his first real girlfriend and that the other girls he went out looking for just for sex.

I know I need to let it be in the past and "get over it", and that's why I came here...so I could get some Christian help and support.
@IDDQD; IF you wouldn't mind, I would love to hear more about the disagreements...

He's confessed to me that I am his first real girlfriend and that the other girls he went out looking for just for sex. WHAT???!!!!! Red Flag....!!! He has already stated the obvious.....he's looking for sex...Come on, you are his first "real girlfriend". He is playing and you are just a player in a game for two.. I don't mean to be rude. i am usually a postive individual , but this...this is just not right...How many partners did he have in the past? I am telling you...I know guys like him all too well. He will take your "cookies" and run with them....Keep your "cookies" locked up until you get married. Besides, 5 onths? That's too early to be considering ANYTHING at this point. Like I said before...take it slow YOU are moving wayyy to fast.Give it time you will see...What he is truly about. Can I ask you..Is he a Christian? Ask him his views on pre-martial sex. Also, you should ask him "if you were not waiting to get married would he tell you no if you wanted to have sex with him.." He he says "no" then you know he is a fake and just looking fr sed. Because if he was against pre-martial sex he would tell you no and do everything in his power to push you away from that very thought. Just think about those questions...when and if you will ask him.

I know I need to let it be in the past and "get over it", and that's why I came here...so I could get some Christian help and support.
No ...don't let it be in the past!!!You can still be his friend, but you should approach this courtship with EXTREME Caution. I am glad you came here for support. I hope you find some of this advice beneficial. While I realise that ultimately some people do what they want todo regaurdless...I suggest you REALLY DO NOT DO WHAT HE WANTS YOU TO. You need to surround yourself with a man that loves God and that is genuinely going to respect you and and your beliefs. I am not saying judge him for his past...no. I am saying just be careful..Also more food for thought....Ask him what he enjoys about you. If this is his "first real relationship", does he know how to treat a lady in courtship? Do you know how he is sopposed to treat you? These are possible questions you should ask yourself. How does he plan on staying with you if in the past he was use to "sexual relationships"? What is your gaurantee he would not get bored with you? I mean afterall, you are his "first real relationship" and if sex is all a hook up was about how will he keep the "fire" alive with you...since you are waiting..?
Sorry to be so blunt, but i don't want him to take advantage of you.

 

[Lovely Lamb]

He is a Christian but he doesn't have a very personal relationship with God. His parents are not christian and so that's how he grew up. He started going to church in Highschool but stopped after he joined the Airforce. He has gone with me to church a few times and he's seemed to enjoy it.

We've only talked about pre-marital sex a little bit and he does not believe it to be wrong. If I wasn't set on waiting he would love to have sex. In fact, he was also an avid porn user as well...and at first he couldn't unserstand my view on it...but after a really long talk (and he saw how much it hurt me) he said he saw my point of view and has since stopped. I'm not sure how many sexual partners he's had in the past...I'm a little afraid to ask...but he has said that he was once an active user on the "adult friend finders" website.

With the above stated...he's genuinely a sweet guy. He doesn't talk much and is pretty shy around new people. He's in the Airforce and has been for six years (he's 24.) Ever since our first date if we do anything, he ALWAYS picks me up at my house, even if we just go back to his place. He pays for everything and refuses money when I try to pay him back for some things. He came to my mom's birthday party this year and paid for the entire dinner for my mom and her four friends, plus us. He never pushes me into anything I say I don't want to do. He's met most of my family and my friends and they seriously love him. I also talk to his mom almost everyday on the phone and she tells me all the nice things he says about me. I told him about some hurts in my past and he even cried with me. He has a heart of gold.

 

[AirForceTeacher]

Everyone deserves a fresh start ... but not everyone has to help provide it. Go carefully, and don't ever do anything you don't feel like you want to do.

 

[Luther073082]

He is a Christian but he doesn't have a very personal relationship with God. His parents are not christian and so that's how he grew up. He started going to church in Highschool but stopped after he joined the Airforce. He has gone with me to church a few times and he's seemed to enjoy it.

This is not an excuse for luke warm Christianty. I was raised in a non-Christian household and my parents are not Christians, but I am not this luke warm in my faith.

We've only talked about pre-marital sex a little bit and he does not believe it to be wrong. If I wasn't set on waiting he would love to have sex. In fact, he was also an avid porn user as well...and at first he couldn't unserstand my view on it...but after a really long talk (and he saw how much it hurt me) he said he saw my point of view and has since stopped. I'm not sure how many sexual partners he's had in the past...I'm a little afraid to ask...but he has said that he was once an active user on the "adult friend finders" website.

Again its not so much a concern about what he's done in the past but it is a concern as to what he belives now. If he doesn't belive its wrong then it means that the two of you have a disconnect in your values.

With the above stated...he's genuinely a sweet guy. He doesn't talk much and is pretty shy around new people. He's in the Airforce and has been for six years (he's 24.) Ever since our first date if we do anything, he ALWAYS picks me up at my house, even if we just go back to his place. He pays for everything and refuses money when I try to pay him back for some things. He came to my mom's birthday party this year and paid for the entire dinner for my mom and her four friends, plus us. He never pushes me into anything I say I don't want to do. He's met most of my family and my friends and they seriously love him. I also talk to his mom almost everyday on the phone and she tells me all the nice things he says about me. I told him about some hurts in my past and he even cried with me. He has a heart of gold.

Thats lovely and all, and I am sure he's an ok guy. But the problem here is that relationships should have a long term approach to them. Relationships should be about trying to find the right person to marry. The problem with this is he's not looking like the right person to marry. You need to marry a Christian with similar values to yourself. Love is not all you need for marriage. If you marry this guy you are putting your marriage at risk because marriages where two peole have two different values systems just don't last long.

I have nothing against this guy but really I don't think this is the right guy for you to marry.

 

[overit]

Honestly-I think you are too incompatible in this area for it to work out long term. The previous women, the porn...all of this will come back to haunt you-it's already haunting you 5 months in.

I've personally had my share of partners...I also know that I do not care to call virgins who prefer virgins judgmental-in fact if that's what they want-I say they are smart! To compromise this CAN open a lot of hurt.

For example-I do know there are virgins w/non virgins who can accept the others past fine and move forward together as a new entity the two of them.

For others-they go on to get married...and I've seen it on the board dozens of times-they can't cope, they spiral into depression, they start resenting their spouse, can't let go, they are hurt, distrustful, upset...and honestly your spouse (or bf/gf) NOR you deserve that kind of relationship. It's setting yourselves up for failure if you ALREADY know you are having a hard time dealing with it. That's saying something-I would heed that warning and consider it a deal breaker. Your values are different. Whether I'm called luke warm or not..I personally and yes I'm a Christian, do not believe pre-marital sex is wrong...BUT I would not then date someone w/out my views or at least similar to them (your mileage may vary)

But you need to respect yourself, your position and how you feel about this-if you can't cope w/it-it's time to say good bye now before you're more involved w/him....and find someone who shares your views and virginity.