His Past Relationships...

[AirForceTeacher]

Honestly-I think you are too incompatible in this area for it to work out long term. The previous women, the porn...all of this will come back to haunt you-it's already haunting you 5 months in.

I've personally had my share of partners...I also know that I do not care to call virgins who prefer virgins judgmental-in fact if that's what they want-I say they are smart! To compromise this CAN open a lot of hurt.

For example-I do know there are virgins w/non virgins who can accept the others past fine and move forward together as a new entity the two of them.

For others-they go on to get married...and I've seen it on the board dozens of times-they can't cope, they spiral into depression, they start resenting their spouse, can't let go, they are hurt, distrustful, upset...and honestly your spouse (or bf/gf) NOR you deserve that kind of relationship. It's setting yourselves up for failure if you ALREADY know you are having a hard time dealing with it. That's saying something-I would heed that warning and consider it a deal breaker. Your values are different. Whether I'm called luke warm or not..I personally and yes I'm a Christian, do not believe pre-marital sex is wrong...BUT I would not then date someone w/out my views or at least similar to them (your mileage may vary)

But you need to respect yourself, your position and how you feel about this-if you can't cope w/it-it's time to say good bye now before you're more involved w/him....and find someone who shares your views and virginity.

Agreed - this is potentially a case of being unequally yoked - two similar, but different belief systems. What exactly would be your discussion 15 years from now when your first child wants to talk about pre-marital sex?

 

[IDDQD]

@IDDQD; IF you wouldn't mind, I would love to hear more about the disagreements...

I don't mind. I'll try to shoot you a PM here in the next few days. I've been super busy with college and it's been sucking what little energy I have out of me.

 

[NiobiumTragedy]

I wasn't a virgin when I got married. Do I think it was a mistake? Sure, there are times that I wish I would have waited. Do I regret it? Not in the least. It's because of everything I've done that led me to where I am now. Every decision I made in life directed where I would be at this point.

Look at mistakes as learning experiences and not put too much thought into "I should have done this differently" because you cannot change the past, only dictate the future from the decisions you make NOW.

 

[overit]

Agreed - this is potentially a case of being unequally yoked - two similar, but different belief systems. What exactly would be your discussion 15 years from now when your first child wants to talk about pre-marital sex?

My oldest being 10 that talk is less then 15 yrs away But to be completely honest-I want them to wait until they are in the 19-20 range at least , and to be in love, in a special relationship with someone they may see a future with. Whether or not it works out long term who knows. I plan to encourage absitenence and waiting, but also teach them about safe sex in the event they do become active.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

The past is not going to matter to him anymore. He's with you now, and his first time with you is going to be special. The past does not have to matter in your relationship unless you let it bother you.

I'm not a virgin, I had two previous partners back when I was an athiest. I am currently waiting for marriage. I can tell you for sure that the past means nothing to me and that my first night with my husband is going to be more special than anything that has ever happened before.

 

[citizenthom]

First of all, it's not abnormal for you to feel the jealousy-like emotions you're feeling. Make sure you're sharing them with him, though. He can do a LOT more to comfort you than we can.

Second--and I'm sorry to be so blunt, all--everyone who has said this is an instant incompatibility issue is ignorant as all get-out. If he was "just out for sex," he'd have no trouble getting it elsewhere; and if he wanted sex from you despite your wishes, he would have either gotten it by now or left. Your own feelings are only an incompatibility issue if you're harboring these feelings without telling him and obsessing over them. You should be able to confront them, be honest about them, and get past them in the long run. If you can't, that's a problem on your part that you'll have to address before any relationship will work. The fact that you're talking about it here, though, suggests to me that you can and are willing to work through your feelings.

Third, you do need to clarify one thing with him: is he OK with waiting for you till marriage, or is he committed to waiting till marriage now for himself? The latter position is much stronger and more healthy, because it means you can--and should--trust him with the entirety of your feelings on the subject, knowing he won't try to hurt you. If he's just respecting your position without sharing it, you need to be a little more proactive about protecting yourself emotionally and physically, but it does not have to be a deal-breaker.

Homerun point: talk to him. Be as thorough and blunt as possible. He's been honest with you about his past; now be honest with him about your present.

 

[Lovely Lamb]

Thanks again to everyone who has given me advice. I really appreciate it all~!

The reason I am here seeking advice is because I don't want to obsess over it, and everyone has been so helpful. Thank you citizenthom especially for your comment. I have been pondering over everyone's adivce, and I don't want his past choices to be an automatic deal-breaker...even if he doesn't totally regret them.

Again, he and I have talked and he has said that he is set on waiting because I AM. If I wasn't, then he wouldn't be. BUT, the fact that he KNOWS without a doubt that I will not give in for several reasons, I think it makes it clear that he really cares for me. Ever since I told him (on our first date) about not wanting pre-marital sex he has never tried to pressure me or convince me otherwise.

UPDATE: We did have a really long talk last night...and we talked about some of our feelings. He told me more about his past sexual relationships and about one of the girls that gave him an STD. I started crying but I think he understood my jealousy and pain over it because he started crying too and asked me to forgive him. I told him that I did but it wasn't really my place to forgive him for that, and that he needed to forgive himself and he started sobbing. He said that he's never regretted it before now, but lately it's been hard for him to think about it because he cares for me so much and he doesn't want to hurt me. It was hard hearing some of the things he had to say, but he seems to be starting to really regret his past choices. As for me...I'm still having some trouble with my feelings...as I said, I really don't want to obsess over it...but for now it's enough for me to know that he really cares.

 

[citizenthom]

I admire him for letting it out like that. I'm glad to hear you're both confronting this honestly, and glad I could help. God bless you both.

 

[~Beauty_from_Pain~]

There is something in all our pasts that we have needed forgiveness over. But once we have moved past it then I think we all hope others will understand that it was a part of our past. It's between him an God.

 

[Searching_dove]

Personally, I feel that if my partner/boyfriend had sex with other women, I wouldn't feel as special. Something like "You knew you would get married, why couldn't you have waited for me?"

But that's not how everyone else thinks and it's perfectly fine.

It's still stings to know that the person who will be your first was with other women beforehand, but if he chooses to respect you now and press onto this matter, perhaps he has changed.

It will be special when you do have sex because it will the first time for you two on your wedding night with sealed with a covenant. =)

In the book "Boy Meets Girl" by Joshua Harris, his wife was sexually active in her earlier years. They struggled together because of what was lost. Yet they still found happiness and joy.

I highly suggest talking to your boyfriend about this. Don't be embarrassed for ashamed of how you feel. Let him know what you feel and think.

Be sure to ask God about His opinion too. =)

 

[bluelime2]

If this guy isn't a christian, and by your posts you've indicated that he isn't, saw nothing wrong with porn or swaping naked pictures of himself with other people on adult friendfinder and used other girls for sex before you..........until you brought it to his attention.

If you've seen as many threads as I have of women in your situation who married the guy and then found his values hadn't really changed as much as he claimed and ended up with him cheating or on the brink and/or a porn addict, you'd probably be running very fast about now. Nice, christian, virgin girls.

A guy kicking a porn habit that bad without Gods help? Uh-huh. And so conveniently quickly? Really. Have you ever browsed male forum posts and seen how many christian men still struggle with porn and have been for years? It isn't necessarily that easy to give up. AS WELL as him deliberatly using other girls for sex.

Red flag after red flag after red flag.

You're asking for it in spades in my opinon.

And some guys (I've heard christian guys say this) will go out with a girl for months and months, even a year if they know shes a virgin. The chase for some is worth it, even if their feelings do get involved to whatever extent.

Nearly got caught myself in this area. By a guy who seemed so open and trustworthy about sex and relationships. And seemingly open to christianity to boot.

Why don't you pray and make God lord over this relationship and be willing to dump him if God doesn't give you the all clear? You're dabbling in very dangerous waters.

 

[bliz]

Darlin', you keep making the case against staying in a romantic relationship with him.

You value virginity a great deal, but it seems that he doesn't value it at all. This is a major point of difference that is not quickly resolved or changed. At present, you do not seem to share core values. This is a HUGE red flag.

 

[Melethiel]

The first thing to think about here is, is he repentant? Does he realize that what he did is wrong? If not, then you have no common ground, and should probably end the relationship.

If yes, then you have to think about what you value more - virginity, or all the other qualities a man has to offer? "Love holds no record of wrongs" - everyone deserves a second chance. I'm not saying that it would be easy to put that behind you - I know from experience that it's very hard.

 

[citizenthom]

I wonder if the last few posters read the OP's "update" on Page 3. The guy sounds legitimately repentant after he was confronted with her feelings and views. There's no need to postulate horror scenarios.

 

[citizenthom]

I wonder if the last few posters read the OP's "update" on Page 3. The guy sounds legitimately repentant after he was confronted with her feelings and views. There's no need to postulate horror scenarios.

 

[IDDQD]

I wonder if the last few posters read the OP's "update" on Page 3. The guy sounds legitimately repentant after he was confronted with her feelings and views. There's no need to postulate horror scenarios.

Even though the OP indicated that he was repentant, it doesn't mean others can't contribute to this thread. There could be others who are in similar circumstances looking for answers, yet for whatever reason don't want to make their own thread over the matter. The outcome of the OP may and probably will not be the same for others in similar situations.

That and I'm picking up some subtle passive-aggressive undertones in your posts. Something you'd like to share with us?

 

[JCFantasy23]

He's with you now. It's going to be special regardless, because he's never had sex with you.

This whole thing of it not being as special if you're not a virgin is horse poo, and it really bugs me that people in the church still teach that. I was told in sunday school that I am like used chewing gum that no one will ever want again. *rolls eyes*

Sex is always special when there is love involved.

Think about what he's doing for you. He's waiting for you, never pressuring, and he knows what he's missing. But he's still hanging around. That's love right there, and I think it's evidence that he thinks of sex as just as important and special as you do.

It might help to talk to him.

I agree with everything the above poster said. He is not with his ex now, or ex's, and you should focus on the life he now leads with you instead of the life he led with others. Reading your updates on page 3, it sounds like he's repentant, he doesn't push you for sex, he respects your values and - even if he doesn't agree with everything you do - still respects your opinion.

 

[ido]

It's a slippery slope to delve into sexual history with a partner who has one. It can evoke all sorts of bad feelings - jealousy, fear, anger, sadness, insecurity... You know he was sexually active before and that he isn't now. If you love him and care for him as much as you proclaim, then forgive him and stop discussing the details with him. The more you know, the more you will torture yourself.

If he is willing to wait because that is what is important to you, that's good. But, I would highly recommend that you focus less on his sexual past and more on his values and morals and determine if the two of you are compatible in those aspects of the relationship. They are major determining factors of lifestyle choices that people make and if you're walking down two different paths, it's going to be hard to be "one" later on in marriage.

JMHO

 

[IDDQD]

It's a slippery slope to delve into sexual history with a partner who has one. It can evoke all sorts of bad feelings - jealousy, fear, anger, sadness, insecurity... You know he was sexually active before and that he isn't now. If you love him and care for him as much as you proclaim, then forgive him and stop discussing the details with him. The more you know, the more you will torture yourself.

You make it sound like knowing such things is bad in all cases when there could be a very good reason behind it.

Also, I didn't see anything in her posts that showed she held anything against him, so the whole "forgive him" thing is a moot point, that and there's nothing to forgive or condemn in this situation. He didn't do anything to her. This was all stuff he did before he was in a relationship with her.

SLIGHTLY OFF-TOPIC + EDIT: I'm really starting to question this notion of forgiving/not forgiving someone by people when someone has made a decision pertaining to relationships/relationship boundaries that are outside the norm. Seriously, most people have things they simply cannot handle in a relationship and considering that this is all supposed to lead up to marriage, which is supposed to be a LIFETIME ARRANGEMENT and a POSITIVE LIFE-CHANGING EVENT, I think it's reasonable to have boundaries and limits, especially if you've been in a situation before where it's been proven that you can't handle it no matter how hard you try.

 

[JCFantasy23]

You make it sound like knowing such things is bad in all cases when there could be a very good reason behind it.

.

It is good to know your partners past but if you keep torturing yourself with it, and keep bringing up the topic to get more and more details that bother you and keep this worry in your mind, it can become an issue and stall the relationship from going forward. IF what she knows already bothers her too much, this is not the right guy for her and she should seek someone with a less sexually active past.