Hi. My Name is......

[PrairieGurl]

Hello....

I hope you can find the strength Wendy. Me too.
I'm in the same boat. I've been going to one a week, but I'm NOT working a program, and I CAN TELL. I am SO depressed, (coming off the pills too) I feel like such a dummy. I have addict tendancies no matter what I take. I have to stay active in my own recovery, or I won't be recovered. I feel horrible. I know what to do about it, and I'm not going to dwell on the thoughts of how worthless I am. I'm tuning them out with my own positive self talk, I try to talk about all of this with someone else, that's what I've been told to do. Right now, I'm just thankfull I have not gotten back into alcohol or 'drugs' (as if pills are not drugs, but I mean the hard ones) anyway, I will fight this. I pray for strength, and i'll pray for you too Wendy.
Thanks for being here, to all who are.
Blessings,
B~

Hey B~

Find the strength?? I guess I didn't, I chose to go to my son's hockey game.
I'm not working the program either. I got to step #3, and now I'm where I am.
I don't have anyone to talk to besides the AA members I have met...and since I haven't been there over the last while....haven't really talked to anyone. I guess I have tried to...but it's hard to get my mind straight enough to really express..."where I'm at" other than...I've had slips,
now I feel physically sick...(which is weird considering what I used to drink to feel like this) which leads to emotional/mental strain. I have so many issues with my home life...that I just want the world to stop so I can get my thoughts out Or at least straight in my head. I know the world won't stop so I can 'catch up'...but right now...I'd appreciate it if it did.
I know...what's my problem???...I know what I should do, I don't want to go back to where I was...what's my problem????????
Thanks for your prayers B~
And I too thank all that are here.
Not the best way to celebrate 3rd month.
Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

just dropping by and saying howdies to all and hope all is well.

 

[formykidsiwill]

Hey B~

Find the strength?? I guess I didn't, I chose to go to my son's hockey game.
I'm not working the program either. I got to step #3, and now I'm where I am.
I don't have anyone to talk to besides the AA members I have met...and since I haven't been there over the last while....haven't really talked to anyone. I guess I have tried to...but it's hard to get my mind straight enough to really express..."where I'm at" other than...I've had slips,
now I feel physically sick...(which is weird considering what I used to drink to feel like this) which leads to emotional/mental strain. I have so many issues with my home life...that I just want the world to stop so I can get my thoughts out Or at least straight in my head. I know the world won't stop so I can 'catch up'...but right now...I'd appreciate it if it did.
I know...what's my problem???...I know what I should do, I don't want to go back to where I was...what's my problem????????
Thanks for your prayers B~
And I too thank all that are here.
Not the best way to celebrate 3rd month.
Wendy

Hi Wendy.
I have been re working step 1. I've heard many times that the steps are worked over and over, by people who have long term sobriety, and they are who I listen to. OBVIOUSLY the're doing something right. Anyway, step 1. I AM POWERLESS over this disease. This step (to me) is tricky, because I can SAY over and over all day long that I am powerless, it means nothing, unless I really know inside of myself that I am. If I am out of ideas of how to control the booze, or pills or whatever substance I'm using. Then I truly work step 1. Somehow, I keep trying to take the driver seat back, and I keep forgetting God keeps me sober. I have to ask every morning, and thank him every night, I stopped doing that. I started back this morning, because he kept me sober yesterday. I really don't want to go back, BUT sometimes there is a PART of me that does, no matter how miserable and horrible it might have been. That part of me is what got me to thinking I could take those pills and be OK. I'm NOT ok. I'm POWERLESS. I can't stay sober unless I surrender. I can know that in concept, but it is a step that takes my whole being, I have to come to a place where there is NO WHERE else to go, but to sobriety, the way it's been done over and over again by others, one way, not mine, these people in AA who've found sobriety have found the way to stay sober. As much as I like to think I'm different, I'm NOT. I'm just like every other drunk. If I don't ask God for help and surrender my will to His will, I'll probbly not stay sober, since 11 years old I've been on this path. The one of numbing out that is. I've tried EVERY thing to stop, and I simply can not, maybe they know somehting I don't.

I love you Wendy, may God guide your every step until He gets you where He wants you.

Blessings,
B~

 

[PrairieGurl]

Hi Wendy.
I have been re working step 1. I've heard many times that the steps are worked over and over, by people who have long term sobriety, and they are who I listen to. OBVIOUSLY the're doing something right. Anyway, step 1. I AM POWERLESS over this disease. This step (to me) is tricky, because I can SAY over and over all day long that I am powerless, it means nothing, unless I really know inside of myself that I am. If I am out of ideas of how to control the booze, or pills or whatever substance I'm using. Then I truly work step 1. Somehow, I keep trying to take the driver seat back, and I keep forgetting God keeps me sober. I have to ask every morning, and thank him every night, I stopped doing that. I started back this morning, because he kept me sober yesterday. I really don't want to go back, BUT sometimes there is a PART of me that does, no matter how miserable and horrible it might have been. That part of me is what got me to thinking I could take those pills and be OK. I'm NOT ok. I'm POWERLESS. I can't stay sober unless I surrender. I can know that in concept, but it is a step that takes my whole being, I have to come to a place where there is NO WHERE else to go, but to sobriety, the way it's been done over and over again by others, one way, not mine, these people in AA who've found sobriety have found the way to stay sober. As much as I like to think I'm different, I'm NOT. I'm just like every other drunk. If I don't ask God for help and surrender my will to His will, I'll probbly not stay sober, since 11 years old I've been on this path. The one of numbing out that is. I've tried EVERY thing to stop, and I simply can not, maybe they know somehting I don't.

I love you Wendy, may God guide your every step until He gets you where He wants you.

Blessings,
B~

Hi B~,

Posted proof...we're on the same page. I guess all us drunks are in reality...just different paragraphs on the same page!
Back to Step #1 it is I am powerless over this disease!

Love From,
Wendy

 

[formykidsiwill]

Hello everyone! After reading your response this morning Wendy my heart really broke for you. I dont' know why, only that I feel like I want to help you, but I HAVE to have made some progress MYSELF before i can help someone else. You can't give away what youd don't have. I prayed for you. (Amazing Grace is playing on a show my son is watching, and the sun is shining in the window right on my face ) SO, I went to a meeting, and I am SO glad I did. I wanted to be able to guide you Wendy, but I myself have been off track. I'll get back on, and I will work this program, then if you need something maybe i'll have it to give. I can't tell someone else what to do, I can tell about my own experiences and my strength and my hope. My experience is that this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. My strength is God. My HOPE is that I'll want (be willing) to stay sober for the rest of my life. That I'll trust God to do for me what I can't do for myself, and that's pretty much everything. I have learned this, I am powerless over pretty much everything except ME. I don't know a whole lot, I THINK I do, but then that's part of my problem, anyway, I dont' really know if this will make any sense. I sincerely hope to help, but first I've got to take care of myself. That is HARD for me. BUT, my children help me want to, (ie. my screen name) and God and having to live. I really had hoped I could get out of that....:o But, I am here, well, I'll come again when I feel like rambling like an idiot, lol....

Blessings,
B~

 

[PrimeTimeNuttah]

Alcohol abuse is wrong! Don't crush the cans! They have feelings too!

 

[PrairieGurl]

Hello everyone! After reading your response this morning Wendy my heart really broke for you. I dont' know why, only that I feel like I want to help you, but I HAVE to have made some progress MYSELF before i can help someone else. You can't give away what youd don't have. I prayed for you. (Amazing Grace is playing on a show my son is watching, and the sun is shining in the window right on my face ) SO, I went to a meeting, and I am SO glad I did. I wanted to be able to guide you Wendy, but I myself have been off track. I'll get back on, and I will work this program, then if you need something maybe i'll have it to give. I can't tell someone else what to do, I can tell about my own experiences and my strength and my hope. My experience is that this disease is cunning, baffling and powerful. My strength is God. My HOPE is that I'll want (be willing) to stay sober for the rest of my life. That I'll trust God to do for me what I can't do for myself, and that's pretty much everything. I have learned this, I am powerless over pretty much everything except ME. I don't know a whole lot, I THINK I do, but then that's part of my problem, anyway, I dont' really know if this will make any sense. I sincerely hope to help, but first I've got to take care of myself. That is HARD for me. BUT, my children help me want to, (ie. my screen name) and God and having to live. I really had hoped I could get out of that....:o But, I am here, well, I'll come again when I feel like rambling like an idiot, lol....

Blessings,
B~

You are helping B~
'This' made perfect sense! Yes, the taking care of oneself...but the neat thing is...sometimes while helping yourself...you are infact helping someone else along the way.
Everyone here has their own special way of encouraging and helping one feel accepted and supported.
I'm sure many reading these posts will be able to relate and be encouraged by the struggles and victories we all experience!
Thank you B~

Working it Thru With,
s & s,
Wendy

PS...I always look forward to your 'ramblings'
There's a few other's that have that gift too , you know who you are

 

[PrairieGurl]

Alcohol abuse is wrong! Don't crush the cans! They have feelings too!

So I guess smashing bottles is out of the question??

 

[formykidsiwill]

You are helping B~
'This' made perfect sense! Yes, the taking care of oneself...but the neat thing is...sometimes while helping yourself...you are infact helping someone else along the way.
Everyone here has their own special way of encouraging and helping one feel accepted and supported.
I'm sure many reading these posts will be able to relate and be encouraged by the struggles and victories we all experience!
Thank you B~

Working it Thru With,
s & s,
Wendy

PS...I always look forward to your 'ramblings'
There's a few other's that have that gift too , you know who you are

Hi Wendy. As always, thank you for your sweet reply. I am happy you feel I helped you. It helped me. I have never thought of 'rambling' as a gift, new perspective on that one.. someone once told me I'd ponder myself to death. I tell you, I nearly do. I just pray to God for help, I can't help myself. He will quiet my mind when I do what I know is right. First things first, I have to remember that as well, or else I get overwhelmed, and look around me and nearly explode, becaue i want it ALL done, RIGHT NOW! Ha ha, and that ISN'T possible. It took a long time to create all this crazy mess, and it will take a long time to clean it up. One step at a time! I literally have to STOP myself, although, I am convinced God, and ONLY God helps because if I could do this, I'd have already done it. I can not. He can. Thanks to the AA program all of these little cleches (I dont' know how to spell that word) come to my mind at just the right times. I've slowly learned to LISTEN. I am so full of pride, thinking I can do this thing alone, that I've had to really be put in a place where there is no other way out, but to do what I'm told to do, NOW learning WHO to listen to has also taken TIME. Patience, is also another thing I lack...weighed and found wanting, but I know, there is a solution......

Blessings,
B~

 

[PrairieGurl]

It took a long time to create all this crazy mess, and it will take a long time to clean it up. One step at a time!

Something I seem to have a hard time remembering

I literally have to STOP myself, although, I am convinced God, and ONLY God helps because if I could do this, I'd have already done it. I can not. He can.

Another major reminder I NEED!

Thanks to the AA program all of these little cleches (I dont' know how to spell that word) come to my mind at just the right times. I've slowly learned to LISTEN.

Learn/ patience/time....seems to be a recuring 'theme'

NOW learning WHO to listen to has also taken TIME.

This is something I have not pondered before... but will now.

Patience, is also another thing I lack...weighed and found wanting, but I know, there is a solution......

Couldn't have said it any better.

s & s,
Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

Just reading the posts here and seeing msyelf in the words written. Its like I am writing these posts myself about me and to me. Ranbling, pondering, expressing, thinkin out loud so to speak - personally, i think its one of the best ways to find one's answers or to find that question that will find the answer.

If I was to take the time to write down all that i ponder on all day, there aint enough cyber storage space on this site to hold it all!

But in doing so, I help me to see a lot of things that I ight just leave behind some closed door down that dark hallway in my brain. It helps me to be honest with myself.

so, reading other posnderings and such, it helps me to recognise and see things that I may not have or may not have wanted to.

so keep ponderin!

 

[formykidsiwill]

Thanks for your encouragement. The pondering does help to focus perspective and with self-honesty. It is dangerous sometimes because I've noticed i like the sound of my own voice....(that's brutal but one of my pet peeves in myself and others) SO, I have to balance it out with humility and check my motives in order for the ponderings to REALLY help (me & others) otherwise I'm a noisy clanging symbol....(stole that from a scripture...)

Blessings,
B~

 

[newcreature]

We all (people aware of their alcoholism) have reasons why we choose to drink or not to drink. I have ashamedly fallen into the catagory of why I have " fallen off the wagon" so to speak. I have struggled with alcoholism since I was 16; in fact I attended my first AA meeting on Nov. 9th, 1994. It had to do with the overwhelming lack of ability to control the life in front of me.

I was sober for 8 years, and decided to pick up again in early 2003. I drank heavily until Feb. 11th, 2006. It was the first time in a long time that I had blacked out. I had considered myself a responsible alcoholic ( whatever that is) up until that night. I blacked out at a party, and I didn't make it home until 5am to let my babysitter go home. I ended up at a party where I don't remember going to. I was awoken with my head in a trash can by one of my "friends" who had been trying to wake me up for a couple of hours.

That next morning, I returned to AA sick as a dog. I was having the shakes, puking, etc.... You get the idea. I told my husband that I was an alcoholic, and he was unable to accept the truth I was telling him. It wasn't 2 weeks, and i was back at doing what I do best... not dealing with life on lifes terms. I began to drink again.

It all came to a head on May 20th, 2006 when I got raped. I was drunk, and naieve enough to think that taking a random guy home would provide positive results. I got drugged and raped.

From May 22nd to Sept. 22, I didn't touch a drop of alcohol. It was on the 22nd of Sept, that I decided that i could again handle what had happened to me. So, from then on, I have chosen to pick up and drink again.

Tonight proved that I am 10x's more vulnerable to outward problems when I am, or choose to pick up another drink. I was sitting outside a restaurant when I saw the hotel where I had been raped. The sign kept flashing,: Peace; Quiet..." HARDLY!!!!! What's worse, the guy who raped me is a manager there. It just makes me sick, and how do I deal with it? I drown my emotions in alcohol, of course.

I thought I had silently forgiven him, and all the others that have violated me along the way, but I can't get past it.

For what it is worth, thanks for letting me share. God bless you guys and your continued sobriety.

Elaine

 

[formykidsiwill]

Elaine, I just wanted to let you know I love you.

 

[LoG]

Glad you were able to share what happened to you Elaine, and hope and pray you make it back to AA.

For myself I have learned that for certain things I need the power of God to help me forgive those who have wronged me. I bring the willingness but God supplies the power. I feel led to share with you how I was able to access the healing for myself.

When the memory of events, situations people etc. come to mind and I cringe within myself for the shame, guilt or remorse of it, instead of trying to bury it back down deep inside of me, I, in my mind's eye, take all those feelings, emotions and memories and hand them up to the Lord to take away. I do this as often as these things come up. By handing it to Him and releasing, I no longer need to carry this within me or try to keep the memories buried with my drug of choice. This technique has helped me a lot over the years. Please give it a try.

 

[justanobserver]

We all (people aware of their alcoholism) have reasons why we choose to drink or not to drink. I have ashamedly fallen into the catagory of why I have " fallen off the wagon" so to speak. I have struggled with alcoholism since I was 16; in fact I attended my first AA meeting on Nov. 9th, 1994. It had to do with the overwhelming lack of ability to control the life in front of me.

I was sober for 8 years, and decided to pick up again in early 2003. I drank heavily until Feb. 11th, 2006. It was the first time in a long time that I had blacked out. I had considered myself a responsible alcoholic ( whatever that is) up until that night. I blacked out at a party, and I didn't make it home until 5am to let my babysitter go home. I ended up at a party where I don't remember going to. I was awoken with my head in a trash can by one of my "friends" who had been trying to wake me up for a couple of hours.

That next morning, I returned to AA sick as a dog. I was having the shakes, puking, etc.... You get the idea. I told my husband that I was an alcoholic, and he was unable to accept the truth I was telling him. It wasn't 2 weeks, and i was back at doing what I do best... not dealing with life on lifes terms. I began to drink again.

It all came to a head on May 20th, 2006 when I got raped. I was drunk, and naieve enough to think that taking a random guy home would provide positive results. I got drugged and raped.

From May 22nd to Sept. 22, I didn't touch a drop of alcohol. It was on the 22nd of Sept, that I decided that i could again handle what had happened to me. So, from then on, I have chosen to pick up and drink again.

Tonight proved that I am 10x's more vulnerable to outward problems when I am, or choose to pick up another drink. I was sitting outside a restaurant when I saw the hotel where I had been raped. The sign kept flashing,: Peace; Quiet..." HARDLY!!!!! What's worse, the guy who raped me is a manager there. It just makes me sick, and how do I deal with it? I drown my emotions in alcohol, of course.

I thought I had silently forgiven him, and all the others that have violated me along the way, but I can't get past it.

For what it is worth, thanks for letting me share. God bless you guys and your continued sobriety.

Elaine

((((( ELAINE!!!)))))))

am glad you posted. you been missed here. I m ao sorry about what has happened to you and what you have been thru. you are in my thoughts and I do hope you can get to a meeting.

 

[PrairieGurl]

Dearest Elaine

Sometimes there are just no words to say to someone who is in so much pain. I am so glad that you posted. So many don't share what has happened to them. It is the first step in the healing process.

What happened to you, happened to me many years ago. If you ever need a shoulder to cry on ... please pm me.

s & s
Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

Hi. My name is Norm and I am an alcoholic and an addict.

just poppin in and sitrting here looking at the window where you type up something you want to say but you ever get in that palce where you have so much you want to say and you just dont know what to say at all?

I have so much I want to express, to share, to say, to expound, to relate and many the time I have to stop myself more than once in this thread from using it like a personal blog.

Times I wish that this site would allow non christians to blog here but I can understand why theres a rule agianst that. hence why I set to mention my ponderins and wanderins here, not so much to fill space and to say a yardful with only a foot of substance but it helps me in my admitting to myself and to others, in my making a searching and fearless inventory by bringing up/exposing my faults in that with the light of openess on them, I cannot hide them or pretend they dont exist and to contiunue in my personal program of truth and honesty with myself, which has to be first.

Meaning that if I lie to me, then I lie to others and then my life is just a lie. Honesty is paramount in my sobriety - its mandatory to help me to not become what I was and to help me see the tripwires that would cause me to stumble, even if I desire to seek them out and find them to make my self want to stumble, my being honest with myself and it being reinforced with me thru being honest with others, it will help me to stay on the path of sobriety.

Sometimes I think, at least for me, NOT to post how I feel or what I am gong thru or being open is a form of dishonesty in its own way. To sit here and give encouragement, being ever so the strong one, not talking about my daily fears, shortcomings, the trials and fear that will stalk me with ideas of relapse and how so easy it can be - by not admitting to myself and to others, I feel perhaps that for me, not so much for anyone else but for me, it is a form of dishonesty when I am here reading of others that opened their heart to all to read and not sharing where I am at.

No, I havent slipped physically and used or drank but the mental state sometimnes I wonder if I am more a dry drunk that is hanging onto sobreity thru sheer will power that sooner or later has to end and then my nightmare of a not so long ago past that I dread may return.

sorry for this ramble.

just get set in my mind sometimes I need to talk and this is the only venue for me to do so. Whether folks like, dislike, roll their eyes, object to a non christian posting here, feel for me, care for me - dont matter. this is like in its own a way a meeting of fellow alcoholics and I am taking my turn to speak.

anyhooos, got more stuff in the memory box betwixt the ears to say but will close for now.

 

[PrairieGurl]

And as they would say at an AA meeting...

Thanks for sharing Norm !

 

[formykidsiwill]

Hi. My name is Norm and I am an alcoholic and an addict.

just poppin in and sitrting here looking at the window where you type up something you want to say but you ever get in that palce where you have so much you want to say and you just dont know what to say at all?

I have so much I want to express, to share, to say, to expound, to relate and many the time I have to stop myself more than once in this thread from using it like a personal blog.

Times I wish that this site would allow non christians to blog here but I can understand why theres a rule agianst that. hence why I set to mention my ponderins and wanderins here, not so much to fill space and to say a yardful with only a foot of substance but it helps me in my admitting to myself and to others, in my making a searching and fearless inventory by bringing up/exposing my faults in that with the light of openess on them, I cannot hide them or pretend they dont exist and to contiunue in my personal program of truth and honesty with myself, which has to be first.

Meaning that if I lie to me, then I lie to others and then my life is just a lie. Honesty is paramount in my sobriety - its mandatory to help me to not become what I was and to help me see the tripwires that would cause me to stumble, even if I desire to seek them out and find them to make my self want to stumble, my being honest with myself and it being reinforced with me thru being honest with others, it will help me to stay on the path of sobriety.

Sometimes I think, at least for me, NOT to post how I feel or what I am gong thru or being open is a form of dishonesty in its own way. To sit here and give encouragement, being ever so the strong one, not talking about my daily fears, shortcomings, the trials and fear that will stalk me with ideas of relapse and how so easy it can be - by not admitting to myself and to others, I feel perhaps that for me, not so much for anyone else but for me, it is a form of dishonesty when I am here reading of others that opened their heart to all to read and not sharing where I am at.

No, I havent slipped physically and used or drank but the mental state sometimnes I wonder if I am more a dry drunk that is hanging onto sobreity thru sheer will power that sooner or later has to end and then my nightmare of a not so long ago past that I dread may return.

sorry for this ramble.

just get set in my mind sometimes I need to talk and this is the only venue for me to do so. Whether folks like, dislike, roll their eyes, object to a non christian posting here, feel for me, care for me - dont matter. this is like in its own a way a meeting of fellow alcoholics and I am taking my turn to speak.

anyhooos, got more stuff in the memory box betwixt the ears to say but will close for now.

Hi Norm. Thank you for sharing. The cool thing about life is everyone has something to learn, and to teach, if I am willing to listen and learn. I am carefull about what I say because I don't really know sometimes, I just don't know. I only have to answer for my life, and that in itself is proving heartbreaking. I have all of these thought running through my head that just never seem to go fully away. BUT, when you take your turn and share and are as honest as you can be, I learn what i need to. So, keep on sharing. IF I have something to share I'll be sure to do the same.

Hi Wendy....

Blessings,
Brandy