Hi. My Name is......

[justanobserver]

Norm...no words...just a big...I CARE

Wendy

thanks. it means a lot.

been waiting most the day hopin he might be able to call back but no. but I do thank God (and I mean that) that I was able to talk to my son even for a few minutes. I am still emotional since this morning. guess its a dad thing.

 

[mustang_94]

got a phone call this morning - it was my son,the one in jail waiting to go to prison. it was so good to hear from him that all i could do was just listen to his voice. he asked if I was still on the hone and I was - just wanted to hear him talk, to hear his voice.

My emotions are so diverse and so scattered right now. sad, glad, mad, angry, worried, afraid, concerned, hurt, loving, sorrow, the desire to want to protect my son but knowing I cant.

right now its all i can do not to go to a bar, tie one on and pick a fight with the biggest biker (been there, done that, went to jail), to vent the frustration, to get a lot of this anger out, so I post here instead and use this as a safe pressure release valve.

he is facing 5 plus yrs and some of it is his fault but some aint and the aint is what I want to go north and deal with the system msyelf. but it is a foolish thing to think and to do and all I can do is hurt in my heart, fight the trigger that this is that tells me how I can get rid of the pain and hurt thru a bottle and instead I am here posting, listening to my music (guess I should be listening to calm of Bach instead of Aerosmith...). I know its not all feelings about my son but also some unresolved anger/bitterness as well from active duty that I never let go after I got out. It pops up itys ugly head in times like this.

anyhooos, it hurts right now, that as a dad I cant do anything for my son except to just sit here an tell him how I love him. I want so much to do more but legally and morally and physically I cant. it is hard to be so close and so far at teh same time. we just started to talk and get to know each other after over 10 yrs of no real contact and not seeing each other (personal stuff).

now we are or were starting to talk/see each other when he got down my way (he is 6 hours north of me) and now he is going to go away for a long time.

am sorry for this personal blog type post but I just need to get it out in a manner of anonymity that I can expres and release some thoughts.

it was so bittersweet to talk to him today. knowing he was in jail I dont know when I will be able to see him (he is way north of me) and when I heard that recorded voice saying "you have one minute left" telling me he had to go, it hurt. it really stinkin hurt.

Hey Norm, Jim here. Sorry about your son. I have a nephew doing 20 yrs and my brother has sure been thru the mill with it. I have found that nothing helps me in times of such troubles, like trying to help someone who is struggling with soberity. I hope you are getting to meetings. Might try doubling up on meetings for a while. It can't hurt. But, it might help. Either way it's free. Keep the faith!!!

 

[justanobserver]

Hey Norm, Jim here. Sorry about your son. I have a nephew doing 20 yrs and my brother has sure been thru the mill with it. I have found that nothing helps me in times of such troubles, like trying to help someone who is struggling with soberity. I hope you are getting to meetings. Might try doubling up on meetings for a while. It can't hurt. But, it might help. Either way it's free. Keep the faith!!!

hey. it is so true in that the best way to deal with one's own troubles is to help others with theirs. sometimes tho, your own troubles just take control for a day....

here where I live, the meetings arent all that available or diverse. But, one goes when one can go.

It is times such as this where I can understand the meaning behind the statement "One day at a time".


to quote Donald Sutherland in Kelly's Heroes, "have a little faith, baby!" then again, he would also bark and say thats his other dog imitation.

 

[justanobserver]

just trying to stay in a chillin' groove and keep my feathers from gettin too ruffled. have no idea what I just said but the "kids" (they are 18 - 26) at work said it and it sounded cool.

I want to post thoughts and respond to other threads/posts in this forum but just cant get my mind toi function in an articulate way.

to all the folks in the alcohol forum - please forgive me for being inattentive and perhaps even seemingly neglectful in supporting fellow alcoholics here - just trying to lay somewhat low as it were and keep my battery from getting toooo drained from some family and personal issues.

you guys are the greatest tho.

 

[Garnet2727]

Norm,

Hang in there. And take care of yourself right now first. In order to help others you've got to be in shape yourself. *huggles*

 

[PrairieGurl]

Hey Norm....as a dear friend always says to me...

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Just to let you all know...I've unloaded the truth about the credit cards, blah, blah, blah...... so that fear of Step 4 is gone. Because I've basically said out loud the things that had me scared to death. Yes there is some more digging to do...a few more things to be honest with myself about....but I think I'll be able to continue with the AA meetings and Steps. I'm emotionally, mentally and physically just wiped...but I know this is all the part of the process.

With Love,
s & s,
Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

Norm,

Hang in there. And take care of yourself right now first. In order to help others you've got to be in shape yourself. *huggles*

so true. sometimes in our desire and/or zeal to want to help others and be there for them, we tend to forget of ourselves and that we need support.

whats that old saying? the least maintained car belongs to an auto mechanic?

but as another said, that sometimes we need to reach out and help others to help ourselves. soemwhere there has to be a happy middle. or at least a place get the batteries recharged - thats where a meeting comes in I would guess, at least for me.

but, as I have said before in this thread and I will keep saying it over and over and over and....

the pourpose of this thread is for anyone to post, advise, give od experience, support, help, cry, gripe, reach out, seek out, need, want, care and share and mostly, I enjoy all who come here and share and open up and allow me the privelidge (spilt wrong) to know them and gain from each others experience.

so many times I will come here to these threads in recovery, not logged on, but as a (gasp!) LURKER amd just read everyone's posts and see changes from then to now and feel the pain and frustration and then the hope and happiness and I aint gettin soft in my old crusty age but it touches me. it helps me. it pushes me. it encourages me. it chastises me. it makes me want to be sober and appreciate what I got in it so far.

like I said a couple posts ago - you guys are the greatest.

 

[justanobserver]

Hey Norm....as a dear friend always says to me...

TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF

Just to let you all know...I've unloaded the truth about the credit cards, blah, blah, blah...... so that fear of Step 4 is gone. Because I've basically said out loud the things that had me scared to death. Yes there is some more digging to do...a few more things to be honest with myself about....but I think I'll be able to continue with the AA meetings and Steps. I'm emotionally, mentally and physically just wiped...but I know this is all the part of the process.

With Love,
s & s,
Wendy

Wendy, my friend, as you already so well know - One day at a Time and One Step at a Time....

your doin great!

 

[LoG]

Just to let you all know...I've unloaded the truth about the credit cards, blah, blah, blah...... so that fear of Step 4 is gone.
Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

howdies. welp, just sittin here gatherin my thoughts trying to comeup with what I gotta say to my 16 yr old tomorrow when I call him.

My former wife got ahold of me the other day and seems the little darlin' (well, he's 6' 1" so not so little I guess) got caught smokin cigarets after school with his home boys and she grounded him.

thought that would cool his jets for a bit. got IMd from her today to find oput he got caught smokin pot inteh school parking lot yesterday and is now suspended from school for a week.

I live in another part of the state from he and his 14 yr old brother and his mom and we have had talks onthe phone about if and when hte chance to experiment comes up and the opportunites arise.

He knows that I am a recovering alcoholic and an addict and what either/and or can do. Also knows that addiction runs in the family and he has been told about genes, heridity, blood lines, etc. His older half brother is a alcoholic/addict (already posted about him) and thought maybe what Aaron is gong thru facing prison might help in what choices my younger sons make.

Sorry to all here for going into what some may view as personal and private and not appropriate subjects here in such a forum. I would be sharing most of this anyways in a meeting with friends I know or most there would know the gist of it anyways. So, this aint much different in my view.

Being a "displaced" parent (heard that term once for us non custodial live far way away type parents and liked it), I try to express and share my experiences, even left out the worst horror stories from the past with them and want to think that they understand, see where their older brother is going, what happened with me as a result (loss of career 2 yrs before retirement due to my addictions).

I know they are the age (I say "they" as they are only 2 yrs apart and although only one is in trouble, the other well, I want to give the benifit of the doubt...) where they experiment, peer pressure, etc - I went thru it and am quie sure others reading this did as well at that age and older when its more accessable.

I am rambling I know. Between my oldest calling from jail last weekend and the parental guilt trip we sometimes do to ourselves as its "all my fault" syndrome and some of it I am quite sure and now with this sudden rash of rebellion of my 16 yr old with the "heck with school and grades" thinking and dissing his mon toi go out and run with his buddies.

It is hard for me BUT what concerns me the most is that it is very hard on their mom - a single mom trying to raise 2 teenage boys basically on her own (I do pay support and proud that I do) struggling with health, finances, her faith in a christian belief that is fairly new to her (she was raised buddhist in Thailand) and even when we were married, she basically was alone trying to do it all with a husband gone a lot with the Army and when he was home, drunk or at least elsewhere getting high. (kids didnt know about that part until very recently when I told them).

I am so sorry that this is so long and perhaps to some even nonsensical but just feel the need to share whats on my mind at this time and what I am dealing with.

kids.......

now I know where my dad got 2/3rds of his gray hair......

but to all reading this please keep in in the thoughts and send me wisdom to know what to say when I get my darlin on the phone tomorrow and the right words that will show him I do love him AND that he screwed up.




thank you all for putting up with my mini soap opera epic lately.

 

[justanobserver]

howdies. welp, just sittin here gatherin my thoughts trying to comeup with what I gotta say to my 16 yr old tomorrow when I call him.

My former wife got ahold of me the other day and seems the little darlin' (well, he's 6' 1" so not so little I guess) got caught smokin cigarets after school with his home boys and she grounded him.

thought that would cool his jets for a bit. got IMd from her today to find oput he got caught smokin pot inteh school parking lot yesterday and is now suspended from school for a week.

I live in another part of the state from he and his 14 yr old brother and his mom and we have had talks onthe phone about if and when hte chance to experiment comes up and the opportunites arise.

He knows that I am a recovering alcoholic and an addict and what either/and or can do. Also knows that addiction runs in the family and he has been told about genes, heridity, blood lines, etc. His older half brother is a alcoholic/addict (already posted about him) and thought maybe what Aaron is gong thru facing prison might help in what choices my younger sons make.

Sorry to all here for going into what some may view as personal and private and not appropriate subjects here in such a forum. I would be sharing most of this anyways in a meeting with friends I know or most there would know the gist of it anyways. So, this aint much different in my view.

Being a "displaced" parent (heard that term once for us non custodial live far way away type parents and liked it), I try to express and share my experiences, even left out the worst horror stories from the past with them and want to think that they understand, see where their older brother is going, what happened with me as a result (loss of career 2 yrs before retirement due to my addictions).

I know they are the age (I say "they" as they are only 2 yrs apart and although only one is in trouble, the other well, I want to give the benifit of the doubt...) where they experiment, peer pressure, etc - I went thru it and am quie sure others reading this did as well at that age and older when its more accessable.

I am rambling I know. Between my oldest calling from jail last weekend and the parental guilt trip we sometimes do to ourselves as its "all my fault" syndrome and some of it I am quite sure and now with this sudden rash of rebellion of my 16 yr old with the "heck with school and grades" thinking and dissing his mon toi go out and run with his buddies.

It is hard for me BUT what concerns me the most is that it is very hard on their mom - a single mom trying to raise 2 teenage boys basically on her own (I do pay support and proud that I do) struggling with health, finances, her faith in a christian belief that is fairly new to her (she was raised buddhist in Thailand) and even when we were married, she basically was alone trying to do it all with a husband gone a lot with the Army and when he was home, drunk or at least elsewhere getting high. (kids didnt know about that part until very recently when I told them).

I give her much kudos for trying to wear 14 different hats and then deal with new wrenches tossed into her gearbox such as this. In case some wonder: I do help as much as I can although I am quite a distance away.

I am so sorry that this is so long and perhaps to some even nonsensical but just feel the need to share whats on my mind at this time and what I am dealing with.

kids.......

 

[Garnet2727]

Norm, all I can offer you is a big fat cyber hug. It's a tough time you are going through and I admire your strength. I don't have children but I know that dealing with youngsters can be so hard. (I know that because I was not exactly an easy teen to deal with.) It sounds to me that you are doing the best you can in a bad circumstance. Hang in there Norm and if you ever need a shoulder, my PMs are open.

 

[PrairieGurl]

you can tangent as much you as want! or ponder or wonder or express or think out loud or get off your chest or vent or.....

whatever works works here. or something like that.

Okay, my Friend Norm...this took me a while to find so I hope you appreciate it (and YES this is something I would say in a meeting!)

Re: your apologizing for your 'ramblings', I just wanted to share one of your posts with you I for one am glad that you 'practice what you preach' (perse, the 'preach' thing that is )

With Love, Concern and s,
Wendy

 

[PrairieGurl]

I am so sorry that this is so long and perhaps to some even nonsensical but just feel the need to share whats on my mind at this time and what I am dealing with.

The post above Norm...answers this. Once again, I'm glad you shared!

kids.......

To share a thought from my 18 & 17 yr old boys

PARENTS ..... (especially our Mom)...

now I know where my dad got 2/3rds of his gray hair......

The reason I color my hair

but to all reading this please keep in in the thoughts and send me wisdom to know what to say when I get my darlin on the phone tomorrow and the right words that will show him I do love him AND that he screwed up.

All I can share with you Norm is what I've said to my own two 'darlin's'....
Both boys have seen what drugs and alcohol has done / did / and still does to their Mom...they know that addiction runs in the family (big time on my side) they have seen the ruins that alcohol has done to their Auntie (and continues to do )

Norm...regardless of what we say to our kids, show our kids...and so on, they will make the choices they want. My Nolan (17) has decided drinking is something he wants to do. We had the 'one time' chat of the 'facts of alcohol', he's seen what it has done to me...and still in his 'all knowing wisdom' (that most teens have ) he has still chosen to drink and I mean drink in excess...will I beat myself for what I did...no, because it will not change anything.

I have told him I love him, regardless of his choices, he knows what is the right choice and if he choses the wrong one...there are consequences that he will have to face. I will stand behind and beside him...but I can not make his decisions for him. I told him it would be so great if he could learn from other peoples mistakes and wrong choices...that is my prayer for him...yes, it will break my heart (seems something a parent gets to feel more than once ) if he must go down the wrong road, but I will love him never the less.

Hope there's something in there that 'helps' you Norm.

thank you all for putting up with my mini soap opera epic lately.

I think you know, (correct me if I'm wrong, cause it wouldn't be the first time) 'putting up with you' is not a chore

From A Fellow Alcoholic/Struggling Parent of Teens,

Wendy

 

[justanobserver]

Norm, all I can offer you is a big fat cyber hug. It's a tough time you are going through and I admire your strength. I don't have children but I know that dealing with youngsters can be so hard. (I know that because I was not exactly an easy teen to deal with.) It sounds to me that you are doing the best you can in a bad circumstance. Hang in there Norm and if you ever need a shoulder, my PMs are open.

thank you for your kind words and offer. dealing with kids and trying to know what to say that might or might not make an impact or wake them up, well, it aint easy!

 

[justanobserver]

Okay, my Friend Norm...this took me a while to find so I hope you appreciate it (and YES this is something I would say in a meeting!)

Re: your apologizing for your 'ramblings', I just wanted to share one of your posts with you I for one am glad that you 'practice what you preach' (perse, the 'preach' thing that is )

With Love, Concern and s,
Wendy

you really are a silly goose!

 

[justanobserver]

All I can share with you Norm is what I've said to my own two 'darlin's'....
Both boys have seen what drugs and alcohol has done / did / and still does to their Mom...they know that addiction runs in the family (big time on my side) they have seen the ruins that alcohol has done to their Auntie (and continues to do )

Norm...regardless of what we say to our kids, show our kids...and so on, they will make the choices they want. My Nolan (17) has decided drinking is something he wants to do. We had the 'one time' chat of the 'facts of alcohol', he's seen what it has done to me...and still in his 'all knowing wisdom' (that most teens have ) he has still chosen to drink and I mean drink in excess...will I beat myself for what I did...no, because it will not change anything.

I have told him I love him, regardless of his choices, he knows what is the right choice and if he choses the wrong one...there are consequences that he will have to face. I will stand behind and beside him...but I can not make his decisions for him. I told him it would be so great if he could learn from other peoples mistakes and wrong choices...that is my prayer for him...yes, it will break my heart (seems something a parent gets to feel more than once ) if he must go down the wrong road, but I will love him never the less.

Hope there's something in there that 'helps' you Norm.

From A Fellow Alcoholic/Struggling Parent of Teens,

Wendy

Thats pretty much what I tried in my stumbling bimbling way with him on the phone yesterday - the part fo your post that I highlighted.

You know, I spent years never having a problem speaking/butt chewing and always knew what to say to the soldiers assigned to me when they done wrong. I was able to couple colorful metaphores with words of encouragement supplied with a graphic discussion of positive thoughts applied with the end of my combat boot to their derrier.....

but my 16 yr old yesterday - I didnt know really what to say. I stumbled thru it trying to use examples that he would know of of what could be the end result.

But, like you said in the highlighted portion, all i can do is tell him the consequences and results of actions and hope he wakes up. he is 18 and legal in less than 2 yrs.

But al this reminds me that how it all started for me, started for my 26 yr old, and how then there was no one I could talk to until the damage was done and now 30 yrs later, I do have good people to talk to but am trying to lewt my kid know that there is good people to talk to now, not have to wait 30 yrs or so...

just got things on my mind with this. trying to let him know how easy it may be for him to be an addict/alcoholic in waiting and my fear of that and desire to help him not to take that horrible path. that he would see my life and the loss and take the hint!



so, yeppers, Wendy - there was something in your post there that helps.

 

[mustang_94]

Hey Norm, I got 2 grown children (33 and 31), both drinking too much, still angry with me about my drinking and the divorce. When we get together, their favorite thing to do is get drunk and berate me over all my sins. I can't get them sober and I don't try. They know what drinking did to me and the trouble it caused in their life. Go figure, huh!!! The same God who rescued me can rescue them. If you are worried that you might have screwed them up, stop worrying - YOU DID- no need to worry anymoreFor years I beat myself up and people would say let go and let God- give them to God, etc. And I would think- you just don't understand, I did this and I have to fix it. ( still can't figure out how to make paragraphs with this thing) I had to get down to proper size and there is nothing that does that any better than hopelessness. When I finally became completely hopeless about all of it, then I could let go and let God. What a relief ! I just can't manage the world ( or other people) Poor old Jim. I figure humility could be as simple as," Lord, I know you have a plan and I'm sure you will share it with me, as soon as You're sure I can be trusted with it. Anyway, I have enough for now. All though, you have to watch out because I'll probably get caught doing it again. The Lord Bless and Keep You Thru It All. May the Heavens Be Open Above You, That Your Prayers Rise Straight To God's Heart. My prayer for your son: Holy Spirit, SIC HIM.

 

[justanobserver]

Hey Norm, I got 2 grown children (33 and 31), both drinking too much, still angry with me about my drinking and the divorce. When we get together, their favorite thing to do is get drunk and berate me over all my sins. I can't get them sober and I don't try. They know what drinking did to me and the trouble it caused in their life. Go figure, huh!!! The same God who rescued me can rescue them. If you are worried that you might have screwed them up, stop worrying - YOU DID- no need to worry anymoreFor years I beat myself up and people would say let go and let God- give them to God, etc. And I would think- you just don't understand, I did this and I have to fix it. ( still can't figure out how to make paragraphs with this thing) I had to get down to proper size and there is nothing that does that any better than hopelessness. When I finally became completely hopeless about all of it, then I could let go and let God. What a relief ! I just can't manage the world ( or other people) Poor old Jim.

LoL! I had to smile reading this as it was like me reading something I would write.

I dont know how many times I have said to all 4 little darlins of mine "I am sorry for...." since I sobered up. They have heard me all to plainly and enough times what a rotten drunk and rottener dad I was and to see what happened to me as a very good example.

Somewhere in that deep recess of soul or whatver I got down there (a quagmire of guilt maybe?) that I hold to this feeling that their messups are attributed to me and the desire to straighten them out so they dont trip down the same drunken aisle I went down.

But like you said, I can only show them - if they dont follow the very hard earned advise, well, at some point I gotta let them do what they gottalearn the hard way on their own and thats so very hard to do.

I think a lot of that being unable to let that part go is that deep seated guilt we recovering types carry with us and sometimes I wonder if we have a patent on it????

just awonderin.

but again, I nejoyed your post and it reminded me so much of, well, me!

 

[Garnet2727]

I wish there was a patent on guilt. Think of the money we could earn just splitting the shares!