Here I go again

[snoochface]

Lorie, I think you have to work on yourself before you do anything else, before you make any more decisions about anything, be it divorce or affairs or anything else. You need to figure yourself out first. It sounds like you are very unhappy, don't have the first idea as to why, and you want to blame it on your husband instead of looking inside of yourself to see what responsibility you have for the situation. In any relationship, you either contribute to it, or you contaminate it. Which do you do in your marriage?

Do you know yourself at all? Do you know what will make you happy, or content? Do you know what you want out of life? Do you know what you want from your husband? Do you know the things you have done to contribute to your marriage being in the state it is currently in? Do you know the things you can do to make it any better? Do you know what thrills you, what excites you, what inspires you, what motivates you? Do you know the state of your relationship with God? Do you know what you really believe about God and about being a Christian? Do you know the strength of your faith? Do you know your own strengths and weaknesses?

If you don't know all those things, you need to find out. I really think you need to get into counseling, with either a secular couples counselor or with a Christian pastor, but you need to figure out who you are, what you want, and what your own responsibilities are, before you decide that you want a divorce or you want to have another affair or that you will never be happy. How can you make any of those kinds of decisions if you haven't carefully examined yourself, and your contribution or contamination to this marriage, to determine what you did right and what you did wrong? How can you ever be sure that you aren't making the same mistakes over and over and over again, or that the next relationship, fling, or affair won't be more of the same, if you haven't examined yourself and your current relationship to audit your errors and responsibilities?

There are a lot of questions in my post. That's because I don't know any of the answers, but I feel strongly that you need to know them. None of us are going to be able to give you the advice you are looking for. You don't seem to believe that prayer will do you any good because you think God has thrown you out into the wind to fend for yourself. You don't want to "live a lie", but that's really what you have been doing throughout your entire marriage. To me, from the outside looking in, it does not appear that you really know what you want.

All I know for sure is that you aren't going to get it from us, and you aren't going to get it from your husband. You have to look into yourself, you have to look at your own actions, your own thoughts and feelings and wants and needs, you have to see your own responsibilities, and you have to stand up and deal with all of that. You can have a wealth of knowledge and assistance at your fingertips if you would talk to a professional - again, either a secular counselor or a Christian pastor - who can help you figure all this out. The answer is in yourself, in the Bible, and in the promises God makes to us. You have it all at the ready. You just need to take action, and take advantage of the resources you have available within yourself, within God, and within the help that is out there for you.

I will pray for you. I'm sorry my post is so long and ... questioning. It's my honest, best advice to you. And I'll just keep praying. Good luck.

 

[Lorie]

If that was the case Lorie.... what do you make of the scripture that says He will never leave nor forsake us? Or what of the scripture that says He is my help in my times of trouble.... no my dear sister, God does not say here, you go figure it out an let me know, you must let God help you with things. You must lay your burdens at the alter, we must all cast our cares apon Him.

I dont think God has left me or forsaken me I just think his answer is no.

 

[heartnsoul]

I feel God wants me to figure this out on my own.

Sometimes, unfortunately, lessons are learned the hard way. I'd be lying to you if I told you that I learned everything the painless way. We are all trying to prevent you from going down the road of destruction. But I realize that sometimes stubborn people (like myself) had to learn the hard way many times before FINALLY learning the lesson *well*. In my case, I wasn't married with kids. I think everyone here are very intense and passionate with their advice because they see how other people (namely your husband and children) will be negatively affected by the road you have been on.

Above all this, if you choose to go down the road you've been on and continue with extramarital affairs, your walk with God will be affected too. You know all this so I won't go further. I understand what you are feeling...all I can do is hope that you step back for a while and think things through more before making any drastic decisions.

 

[CLN]

I would never give up my kids for any reason. they are the reason i am still on this earth. they are all i live for.

OK I understand. Do they(your kids) know about your affairs or our they hidden from the kids? I guess I was wrong then to say have your husband raise them so you can get help to figure things out. I think it's great that you love them so much. I still think you should go to counseling. I also think you should develop self-controll regaurding other men and I think counseling will help you in that area.

 

[Lorie]

do you think that i will get to old to feel this way. I wish i had alzhimers and i wouldnt remember that i dont have love.

 

[searle29678]

do you think that i will get to old to feel this way. I wish i had alzhimers and i wouldnt remember that i dont have love.

No, but to be honest I think your husband might get tired of this and you will end up so lonely that you wish you had appreciated what you had when you had it. But maybe not. Maybe you should concentrate more on God instead of how loveless your marriage is. Maybe that is why you are going through this.

 

[snoochface]

do you think that i will get to old to feel this way. I wish i had alzhimers and i wouldnt remember that i dont have love.

That's an escapist attitude.

Live for today -- work on yourself, work on your marriage, work on your relationship with God, take action today. Then when you get "too old" you'll have something positive to look back on when you think about your life. You'll have something to be proud of, because you'll know that you didn't just stand by and watch your life crumble, you took action and did everything you could to make it better.

This isn't going to go away by itself. You have to take the steps. The longer you wait to start, the longer you will feel miserable.

I'm still praying for you.

 

[snoochface]

And just as an aside... my mother is living with Alzheimer's, and it's a horrible horrible thing to watch. It's not something you should hope for, for any reason. If, God forbid, it ever does afflict you, your children will suffer from the living loss of their mother.

 

[Lorie]

That's an escapist attitude.

Live for today -- work on yourself, work on your marriage, work on your relationship with God, take action today. Then when you get "too old" you'll have something positive to look back on when you think about your life. You'll have something to be proud of, because you'll know that you didn't just stand by and watch your life crumble, you took action and did everything you could to make it better.

This isn't going to go away by itself. You have to take the steps. The longer you wait to start, the longer you will feel miserable.

I'm still praying for you.

OK, WHAT is the action??

and you cant say pray or fake it till u feel it.

That has been my question all along HOW can you fix somwthing like this??

you cant say pray or fake it till u feel it or wait it out. I have done these and they did not work.

OR Counseling

 

[snoochface]

OK, WHAT is the action??

and you cant say pray or fake it till u feel it.

That has been my question all along HOW can you fix somwthing like this??

you cant say pray or fake it till u feel it or wait it out. I have done these and they did not work.

I guess I just don't understand this, at all.

Have you read the posts in this thread? All of them? You have gotten so much advice on what action you can and should be taking that I don't understand why you are asking this question.

No one has said for you to fake it until you feel it.

And why can't we say to pray? Why wouldn't you pray? You're a Christian, so don't you believe in praying to God, laying out your petitions to him, and relying on him to help you? Maybe it's not that he isn't answering, maybe it's not that he is responding with "no" -- maybe it's that you aren't listening to his answers.

Lorie, you have gotten so much advice here, but you don't seem to want to take any of it. Many people, myself included, have advised you to go into counseling. I've advised you to figure out who you are and what your responsibilities have been for contributing to the state of your marriage. So many people have offered advice and actions for you to take.

Do you just not want to do any of the things people have suggested to you?

 

[Lorie]

I know who I am and I know what i have done and have not done. I love my kids and they are what i live for. I have gone to counseling, I have been on anti depressant medication, I have gone back to college to get my degree, I have prayed. I had an affair and i knew before i let anything physical happen what i was doing. It was not a spur of the moment thing. I was not drunk or anything that I can use as an excuse. I did it and i take full responsibility for it. We have a home on 10 acers of land we have nice cars and furniture. we both have good jobs and make good money. My kids are good kids and they love us. we both have our familys close by. My husband respects me and loves me. He is even pretty good in bed.

The only thing I dont have is a relationship with a man that I love. It is the only thing in this world i want and i cant seem to have. It haunts me all day every day and all i can think of to do is to look for it some place else.

 

[snoochface]

I deleted my last post because I thought upon re-reading it that it was too snarky. I apologize.

Lorie, I hope you reconsider trying counseling again, and I hope you keep praying. I'll keep praying for you. Good luck.

 

[searle29678]

OK, WHAT is the action??

and you cant say pray or fake it till u feel it.

That has been my question all along HOW can you fix somwthing like this??

you cant say pray or fake it till u feel it or wait it out. I have done these and they did not work.

OR Counseling

It sounds like you don't really want it to begin with. I don't think (and I could be wrong) that you can pray for something you don't really want and don't expect to get and then wait for God to give you the solution. You have to want this and I don't think you do.
The action is actually wanting what you are asking for and then doing everything you can to make it happen. That includes praying. Don't fake it, but live like you want it to be there.

 

[isaiah5213]

ok:


i am the one who said "fake it till you make it." many of us have read other threads by lorie before. many of us have not.

she has stated in her posts that she doesn't love her husband, never did, and married him because it was the thing to do at the time--she had nothing better planned for her life, so what the hey...

all things posted in this thread, have been posted in other threads. we have suggested all these things before... i guess, right now, i feel such an overwhelming sadness for you lorie...

i see your posts today, and i think, "thank you God, that you do not treat us like we treat our family and friends." thank you God, that you love us no matter what we do, say, think, feel, act, etc. You, God, don't want us to be perfect before you love us. You just want us to know You love us, and You want us to love You back.. and it is so refreshing... You take care of us, You protect us, You speak highly of us--no matter how wrong we are in situations--to the devil and to your angels. You have dreams for us, and You have plans & hope and a future for us. Thank You, God... Thank You so much.

and our job??? our job is to love others. to love our enemies. to turn other cheeks... our job is to make Christians of all nations. our job is to learn what peace that passes all understanding is.. to be "content" in all circumstances.. and then i pause...

i see the previous posts, and i see we all said to lorie how to be "content"... but it looks, lorie, like you are confusing the "content" w/comfortable... and that's where the first problem comes in...

frankly, are you living this life for God?? or for you?? what is so sad, is God has given you so so so much that many of us on this board don't have, or will never see or can even hope or dream to attain--and you are dissatisfied!! many of us are in disbelief!!

many many threads you have started. you are honest. we think you are open and vulnerable.. and it fools us in the beginning, sometimes. but do you know how many scriptures there are out there that say knowing what is right is not all that is required of us?? do you even understand how many more scriptures there are that state: do what the word says?? when we tell you what to do, you argue w/us. you tell us you don't understand "how"... i feel in the middle of a catch 22... i think i am talking to one of my teens sometimes...

some posters have defended you... i think some people have accused me of judging you at one point and time.. i still say our sins seep from the pores of our skin.. and frankly, i have not "surmised" anything that you have not stated in your posts...

i laugh at the idea that you think you will get love from these men who will fool around w/you... they look at you and it is written all over you: no commitment. no strings. use and go--and make sure the guy goes first, cuz' if he doesn't then you leave him.

when i was in the world and single, i had an ideal. this was my checklist. is he manipulative? exploitative? or emotionally unattainable?? then stay away...your posts indicate you have all 2 of 3 of these--well, come to think of it, all 3...

you indicate in your threads to be 2 out of 3... what's the song?? 2 out of 3 ain't bad... why can't you sing that to your marriage?? about your husband?? why can't you be satisfied w/what you have??

what really gets to me, is you talk that he is a good man. that he is not bad, etc etc... but you loathe this man. you hate him. you are scary... you claim your husband is "not a man"... yikes!!! you really don't care how much you hurt him. you really don't care how much emotional damage you do to your husband--not only by the way you have described your marriage, but by the affairs you are having. and it's not that you see the affair is wrong.. it's that you didn't like how much you gave your heart away in the last affair... ????

okay, you love your kids.. what things would you hate to see them do?? what things would your kids do that would disappoint you?? do you think your kids appreciate your lack of love for their dad?? your affairs?? your disrespect for their dad?? do you think you are on thier #1 list for your hatred towards their dad?? don't you wonder what your kids think of how you treat their dad at all??? do they care??

i know i know.. if anyone gets thru this long post, i may get stoned, for being so harsh..

but like the others: i ask: why can't you, lorie, make sure that you don't treat your husband how you don't want to be treated?? would you want God to treat you like this??? so why would you treat another like this?? why would you be so mean and demeaing to him all the time?? is this how you want God to treat you?? is this what you want your ultimate end to be like?? say it ain't so!!

 

[WashedClean]

Lorie,

I have to agree with much of Isaiah5213's post. I've been watching this thread for 2 days now and have not responded because I think you're playing games and keep posting your situation expecting your fellow Christians to give you the "AOK" to have affairs or do whatever you want.

You say your kids are all you live for. How can you love your kids so much but loathe the man who gave them to you? His blood is running through their veins. Can't you see that???? Have you asked God to give you love for him? To change your heart toward him? Maybe if you started showing him love, he would change. Stop paying the bills or whatever you do and tell him you want him to take over. If you haven't told your husband how you feel, how can he ever change? Honestly, you need to change first. And that can only happen with God's help.

People have taken a lot of time to respond to you and help you. But you don't seem to want help. If I did the math correctly, you are about 41 years old. It's time to get serious and start acting like a grown up. Sorry if that's harsh.

 

[Hooch]

I really wish I could say something to help- but it is way beyond me.

I guess I will pray for her and suggest she do the same.

 

[snoochface]

That comment was uncalled for, Hooch, and honestly not very Christian-like. It certainly wasn't helpful in any way, and added nothing to the discussion. I kinda hope you just delete your post. It was mean.

 

[snoochface]

Lorie, Isaiah and WashedClean's posts got me thinking again.

You are looking for some action to take to make things better. I just want to throw a few things out there that you can do. These things have nothing to do with getting counseling or faking it, so maybe you'll be more open to doing them.

1) Have an open and honest discussion with your husband, NOT about how much you don't love him, but about the things you need from him, things he can do around the house, things he can do to step up to the plate as family leader, etc. Spell it out for him. Men are very "fix-it" oriented, but if they don't know how to fix something, they get frustrated. Put the dots really close together for him, and tell him exactly what you need from him.

2) Sit down with him and with the bills that need to be paid. Show him how you do the bookkeeping, how you keep the checkbook, the process you go through to pay the bills. Work with him for a month on getting everything paid, and ask him to take over that responsibility when the month is over.

3) Apologize to him for making him feel like he has to sit on his hands and watch every move he makes or else risk losing you. An apology can go a long way toward healing hurts. Reaffirm to him, and to yourself, your commitment to him and to the marriage. Assure him - with truth in your heart, because you are making the CHOICE, regardless of whether you "feel" it or not - that you will not leave him. Let him know that it's okay for him to make mistakes, because you have and will make mistakes too. Give him permission to be the person that he is, and pledge your support to him to help him be that person in everything he does.

4) Pray with your husband. Close your eyes, hold his hand, and pray together that God change your heart(s) and bring you closer to each other.

5) Set aside some personal time every night for you and your husband to just talk with each other. It doesn't have to be a deep conversation about your marriage or anything. Just talk about yourselves, your dreams, your goals, your desires. Get to know each other again. Make him feel like you are interested in his thoughts and feelings, and share yours with him. Make it a point to say one nice thing about him, to him, every single day, even if you have to reach to find something to say. Make that effort so he knows you are serious about trying to fix your marriage, and so he can feel like he is worth the effort in your eyes.

6) Stay away from any men in your personal or professional life who tempt you. When you start to feel an attraction, walk away. Take out your Bible and read a few verses. Say a quick prayer to God to give you strength. Keep walking away. Be willing to give up your friendship with a man who tempts you, in favor of a better life for yourself with your husband.

That's all I can think of right now, but maybe those things can be positive steps, actual action, you can take to help improve your situation. And please, keep praying.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I dont know i just dont and i cant. He will never do anything wrong unless he wants out because if he did do something bad he knows it will be over. So he does nothing wrong he just sits there. I guess i want a head of the house kind of man and he is not. I make all the dicisions with the kids and money and house etc. He waits around so see if everything is ok with me before he will take any action. in our whole married life he has never paid one bill. I guess I am wondering what i really need him for. He does not fill any of my needs.

Did you get that book by Laura Doyle yet? She felt like she had to take charge and do everything too. Her husband probably looked as wimpy as yours does to you. Guess what, her hubby pays the bills now. If you would do what that book tells you, The Surrendered Wife, you might be able to change some stuff for the better.
I hope you will read and apply it. I know you said that you did not like the title, but you can not expect your husband to become this great head and leader if you are already fulfilling this role.
A hubby sticking around like yours does not mean he is a wimp. God has waited for me many times, forgiven many things, and let me go off my own selfish ways many times and He is not a wimp.
You will not find happiness with another man, because you have a perfectly good man and are still discontent.
You need to learn and practice self control, love for your man, and contentment.
I hope you will get serious and start changing things.

 

[Silent Enigma]

It haunts me all day every day and all i can think of to do is to look for it some place else.

Right. You are the victim. Your lust and discontentment are just haunting you. It's not you egging them on.

You want a LEADER husband but you refuse to be a SUBMISSIVE wife. You can't have one without the other. Decide what it is you want.

Your attitude just seeps through the things you write. "all I can think of to do is look for it someplace else." By saying this you presuppose that DEALING with it and doing the right thing is not even an option. Appeasing your perpetually unsatisfied desires trump all else.