Here I go again

[Lorie]

it is me again.

I just want you all to know that I find everyones advice in here, good or bad, is helpful to me.

Now here is my contiuing story.

Ok, as you all know i have no reltionship with my husband. we have a business relationship and we are together for our kids. 2 years ago i met a man on the internet and had an affair. the affair lasted 2 1/2 years. I still talk to him online mostly to show myself i am over him. (not sure i am tho) about the time i stopped the affair i got a new job and ther was this very cute man i worked with. i was getting to the point that i was feeling very attracted to him and thought something would happen. since i was still hurting from the first affiar i did not want it to happen. i asked God "please make him do something that would show me that he is not what i want, make something happen so i wont be attracted to him". One week later he was fired. (be careful what u ask for huh) anyway that was about 1 1/2 years ago. now i am feeling very attracted to the other man i work with. he is very smart and he makes me feel like i can do anything. We talk a lot. I really like him as a friend and i am afraid i will mess our friendship up because of the way i am feeling about him. I am not sure about his feelings but he does say and do things that are to make me feel good.

I just seem to go from one man to another. I focus on one at a time. I have all my married life. but until the affair i though it was just fantasy. there is a definate pattern. I am afraid of this current guy, i think i could really fall for him. and i am not sure i would LIVE through another affair. the last one almost killed me!

 

[searle29678]

I don't know what to say to make you realize that this is not healthy in the least. I suggest some counseling for you to help you understand why you do this. On the surface you seem to have the-grass-is-greener-itis. I suggest you start asking yourself some serious question regarding why you feel the need to seek out other men.
Is it your self esteem? Do you have a reason to have such little respect for your husband? Do you have a reason to have such little respect for yourself? What qualities in these men make them so attractive to you? Is it even the men at all? Most of all...how would you feel if your husband came to you and said "I can't take this anymore I'm filing for divorce and I never want to speak to you again."? Can you see yourself without your husband? Do you want to see yourself without your husband? There are so many things creeping below the surface here that need to be dealt with before anyone can give you an answer as to why you see such attraction to these other men.

 

[heartnsoul]

Lorie, it sounds like to me that you long for the "romance, thrill, passion, "newness" and excitement" that usually comes during the *romantic stages* of any new relationship. Trust me, most of us women could probably relate to missing that *romance* in a marriage. But you know what? Those guys you fell for, --if you had continued the relationship and married them, it would turn out like the one you're in right now with your husband. All marriages do become "comfortable" so to speak, and YES, the romance does pale in comparison to what it originally was when you first met while dating. That's all part of life and love. The comfortable married life is a "deeper" love. It's no different than our own walk with God. Sometimes we have those "highs" with God, and other times, it's just a DEEP love feeling knowing that God is always there for us and will never leave us. That same deep love mirrors the love between two married people. We've all heard about those women or men who get that "seven year itch" or "mid-life crisis" and decide to divorce and go onto greener pastures, only to disillusion themselves to find that the romance dies even in those flings given time.

It's good you recognize the pattern in yourself. This is a spiritual battle you will need to conquer within yourself. You know what is right and wrong. You have to choose for yourself either to do the right thing or not. Lies and deception will eventually be found out. Learning the hard way is very painful and I hope you don't go down that road.

You've been on this forum long enough to know how temptation can lead to sin and how sin results in severe consequences. You and your husband deserve each other's love and faithfulness. God desires for both of you to live godly lives that ultimately bring glory to Him. I pray that God gives you wisdom and may you let God romance your heart with His love so that you can return that love back to your husband. Hoping the best for you.

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

I don't wanna seem insenitive er hurtful here but uh.............

HELLO??

I'll admit, I don't know you and I don't know anythin bout your marriage etc... but a buisness relationship? Stay togeather for your kids? I guess the thought has some merit... but what? You see folks on the side? You an your husband sleep in different rooms? What do your kids say/think etc?

Instead of worryin bout all these other talley whackers danglin in the wind have you thought bout perhaps reconcilin with your husband? Granted again I don't know a hill of beans bout what ya'lls relationship is other then you referred to it as a buisness relationship.... are ya'll in a church? Do you have a pastor? Have you sought some couselin? Face to face couselin? I'm kinda inclined to think you might well try to figure yoursef an your marraige out before foolin round an chasin boys.

An if'n you cain't figure nothin else out I got me a hammer runnin round here I'll be glad to try an knock some sense into you

In Christs love

 

[suzybeezy]

Allow me to answer your question with a little story. My best friend of 20 years has been having an on and off affair on her husband for the past 12 years. Her and her husband have 3 children. She said they stayed together for the children's sake. She thought her children were doing just fine. As the years went by, she soon learned what her deceptive ways taught her children. Her oldest child is now 16 and pregnant. Her middle child has started cutting. And her youngest child has social issues. All of these problems were kept hidden from the mother until very recently. Hidden like the mothers affair. Those children learned from their mother alright, they learned to hide and deceive. They learned to bottle up their feelings and turn to other outlets. They definately suffered because of the decisions their mother made. Do not fool yourself into thinking that what you are doing is not harmful to your children. It may be the harm just hasn't revealed itself yet.

And you may ask how I've remained her friend. I've tried to counsel her and direct her to God. I always felt that God didn't want me to abandon her. I was the only Godly influence in her life. She has recently stopped her affair and started going to church with me along with two of her older children. My friend started therapy and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder (which caused her to do risky behavior). Things are improving personally for her and her marriage is actually improving.

My point is - it's never too late to turn things around, but if you continue in your direction you will only meet with sorrow.

 

[Lorie]

Lorie, it sounds like to me that you long for the "romance, thrill, passion, "newness" and excitement" that usually comes during the *romantic stages* of any new relationship.

see i dont think it is the thrill i am seeking i thnk it is the deepness of a relationship that i am looking for. I would love to be bored in a relationship with someone i loved.

 

[heartnsoul]

see i dont think it is the thrill i am seeking i thnk it is the deepness of a relationship that i am looking for. I would love to be bored in a relationship with someone i loved.

If I may be totally honest with you here--if you're looking for that "deep" love, you will not find it in your affairs outside of marriage. Any man that would have an extramarital affair with you is not someone who truly respects or loves you. A person with strong convictions and personal integrity for himself, you and for God, would not choose to have an affair with a married women. So, it brings me to these next questions. Why are you not able to love your husband? What is it about him that turns you off? Does he love you deeply?

 

[searle29678]

In my humble (and might I add not-professional opinion) I don't think this has anything to do with the man involved, but the feeling that you get from having someone else interested in you. Honestly, the way that you have described your husband even if these affairs did last any length of time you wouldn't be happy with them and go looking for someone else to feel the need you have.

 

[Lorie]

Why are you not able to love your husband? What is it about him that turns you off? Does he love you deeply?

I dont know i just dont and i cant. He will never do anything wrong unless he wants out because if he did do something bad he knows it will be over. So he does nothing wrong he just sits there. I guess i want a head of the house kind of man and he is not. I make all the dicisions with the kids and money and house etc. He waits around so see if everything is ok with me before he will take any action. in our whole married life he has never paid one bill. I guess I am wondering what i really need him for. He does not fill any of my needs.

 

[searle29678]

Can I ask why you got married to him in the first place? It sounds like your whole marriage and just been about you not being happy and looking elsewhere.

 

[Lorie]

Can I ask why you got married to him in the first place? It sounds like your whole marriage and just been about you not being happy and looking elsewhere.

I was 19 and had nothing else planed. And yes I have been this way all my married life. I guess after 22 years i am really tired and I am strating to think I will never be happy.

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

I dont know i just dont and i cant. He will never do anything wrong unless he wants out because if he did do something bad he knows it will be over. So he does nothing wrong he just sits there. I guess i want a head of the house kind of man and he is not. I make all the dicisions with the kids and money and house etc. He waits around so see if everything is ok with me before he will take any action. in our whole married life he has never paid one bill. I guess I am wondering what i really need him for. He does not fill any of my needs.

So do you still sleep with him then? Same room? Different ones? He does everthin "right" so he doesn't give you an excuse to divorce him? Is that right? While you chase after other men? In adultress affairs? You say you want a head of house, have you let your HUSBAND be your head? Or do you threaten him that if his fart doesn't smell jes such an such way your going to divorce him?

That sounds to me like you've got a man who adores the ground you walk on an is arfaid to lose you an yet you keep him around for......................? a buisness relationship?

I'm not tryin to be mean or hurtful, but have you read, literally gone back an read what you yoursef have posted? Marriage isn't a buisness realtionship it's a partnership in life...... so why not fix your marriage rather then chase off after sumthin that is wrong?

 

[Lorie]

I never threaten him. he is not the head a beacuse he wont be. and he does not do every thing right he just does not do any thing wrong. Nothing worst then a man that is afraid to be a man

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

I never threaten him. he is not the head a beacuse he wont be. and he does not do every thing right he just does not do any thing wrong.

I'm tryin to grasp an understand what your sayin.... so because he does nothin right or wrong..... you chase after other men? Because he hasn't, either on his own or been allowed or encouraged to lead his faimly...... you want advice on how to contiune to commit adultery?

The one question you haven't answered, er one of a few, that a few have asked is... why not fix your marriage? Why chase after sumthin sinful? What is the point?

 

[Ache For Heaven]

Dang Lorie!!!

What do you want us to tell you!! If you want advice or consent on how to cheat on your husband you are going to the wrong forums!!

Go to the forums of www.theyoungandtherestless.com

If you have made the decision to not love your husband, you won't, you can't, you refuse. bla bla bla bla!!! We have heard it over and over from you.

Now your telling us about your infidelities and how hard it is for you whaaaaa!!!

What do you think your husband is going through knowing you do not love him!!!

Who wants to be in a loveless marriage? Quit doing this to your husband, if you are going to continue this behavoir YOU TELL HIM ITS OVER! Be fair to him. Let him get on with his life, he deserves better than you.

I wish you would realize what a selfish person you are being.

 

[Lorie]

our business relationship is:

I am the owner
He is the janitor

 

[heartnsoul]

our business relationship is:

I am the owner
He is the janitor

Well, I don't mean to make light of your situation, but maybe it's time for you to train/teach him more skills and promote him to co-owner status?

Is he teachable? Could he learn to do more in the relationship if you taught him the skills needed? Your husband couldn't be a complete dud since he knows how to not do anything wrong to displease you. So let him take on more responsibility in your marriage. Maybe he hasn't had a strong fatherly role model growing up so he doesn't know how to "take charge" and be more responsible.

Is it that he wants to do nothing or is it that he doesn't know HOW to do more?

 

[CLN]

it is me again.

I just want you all to know that I find everyones advice in here, good or bad, is helpful to me.

Now here is my contiuing story.

Ok, as you all know i have no reltionship with my husband. we have a business relationship and we are together for our kids. 2 years ago i met a man on the internet and had an affair. the affair lasted 2 1/2 years. I still talk to him online mostly to show myself i am over him. (not sure i am tho) about the time i stopped the affair i got a new job and ther was this very cute man i worked with. i was getting to the point that i was feeling very attracted to him and thought something would happen. since i was still hurting from the first affiar i did not want it to happen. i asked God "please make him do something that would show me that he is not what i want, make something happen so i wont be attracted to him". One week later he was fired. (be careful what u ask for huh) anyway that was about 1 1/2 years ago. now i am feeling very attracted to the other man i work with. he is very smart and he makes me feel like i can do anything. We talk a lot. I really like him as a friend and i am afraid i will mess our friendship up because of the way i am feeling about him. I am not sure about his feelings but he does say and do things that are to make me feel good.

I just seem to go from one man to another. I focus on one at a time. I have all my married life. but until the affair i though it was just fantasy. there is a definate pattern. I am afraid of this current guy, i think i could really fall for him. and i am not sure i would LIVE through another affair. the last one almost killed me!

I haven't read the other post so here goes like it or not. I'm going to be blunt. You are not helping your children by staying married to your husband and fooling around with other men. Your children need a stable enviorment and thats not stable. I know you might get mad at me but I'm not saying all this to be mean to you I'm saying it because your children matter first. You brought them into this world and they deserve that best that can be given to them. I don't know what your husband situation is. If he is stable. Has a steady job, a good father not going from one woman to another. If he is in a better situation than you are in then he should take care of the kids more than you. I think you should not stay married and be unfaithful to your husband. If you are going to stop being unfaithful and give your marriage a chance then great, but it does not seem like it. What is your husband like? Can he raise your children, and have them live with him? You have to put your kids first. I need to know more facts to make a better judgement.

 

[searle29678]

Marriage is not about feelings. I am learning that day by day. Love is not the bubbling, butterflies in the tummy feeling that everyone wants it to be. If it was we wouldn't have such a high divorce rate! Love is a decision you make every single day. Love=commitment, like it or not. If you are looking for someone who is gonna make you feel wonderful all the time, do everything you want them to do, and make you feel everything you want to feel....he doesn't live on this planet nor will he ever. It sounds to me like your husband is everything a husband should be and you don't want him to be and you are throwing the things you don't like about you onto him. You want a reason for being so miserable and he is suspect no. 1. I really dont' know what to tell you. I could tell you to pray that God would help you repair your marriage, but it doesn't sound like you want to do that. By acting this way you are not only ruining one person's sense of self, you are ruining two maybe more depending on how much your children notice this. Is this the sort of marriage you want your children to see as an example? I'm at a loss right now. It really does sound like you want someone to say "Lorie, this sucks and I'm sorry you are going through so much...we all give you permission to do whatever you want to make yourself feel better." I really feel deep sympathy for you and your husband. I will pray for you and I really hope you can get through this.

 

[Addicted2~Jesus]

our business relationship is:

I am the owner
He is the janitor

Once again.... what's your point? Why do you not choose to fix your marriage rather then chase after other folks?

I haven't a problem with strong willed women, nuthin wrong with em... but the sooner you realize that you aren't the owner of anything the sooner your goin to be able to get in line with God's will. Your husband is the head of you an your household, if you do not let him, if you do not encourage him to do so, then you are wrong. It's really quite simple. Fix your marriage or what's more, get into the word of God! Don't rely on all of us fallible humans to screw you up some more, rely on God's word! Go read it, you'll get no sympathy from me, nor will you get advice on how to contiune to chase after other men when your own faimly is a disaster.... like my first post read, an I mean it no playfully,

I mean HELLO!!!! is there anyone home? This is not a difficult matter, I hate to say what folks "need" but in this case my dear, you NEED to get this straightened up.