Here I go again-HELP!

[pboop]

Hello all, I'm back. I thought I could handle my situation but here I am again . It's been almost a year, how time flys when you miserable...oh well, my most recent upset is this, the 18 month seperation period (required by law governing the state we lived and married in) is finally over . Now all of a sudden he wants to reconcile. Almost 2 years of being alone, almost 2 years of abstanance , trying to recover from the damage he inflicted on me financially and emotionally (I've even moved to another state to get away from some of the physical memories) and now he wants to reconcile. Please keep in mind in all that time he has not done one thing to help the situation. Last we spoke he tried to convince me God would want us to pull our marriage back together. In my heart and soul I don't share that sentiment at all. I still do not trust my ex. I believe God can do all things. I also believe if our marriage was ment to be restored I would have seen some effort on his part to help fix it. I have grown so much in this time and have found strength I didn't even know I had. Truthfully, I don't want to go through this ever again. Don't get me wrong I want to love again and pray I will; I'm afraid to be hurt like this again. Since he was the offender I'm afraid of him. I know I am probably flattering myself to think some of you may remember me, I hope so. If not let me assure you that I welcome any and all advice and/or opinions. Oh, and I'm not oppose to giving the same . MAY GOD BLESS ALL YOU YOU

 

[QUALITYWOMAN]

dearest Pboop, I Have Been There, Done That, Bought The T-shirt. My Ex Brought A Woman In My Home And Moved Out Everything In The House Except For My Clothing And My Bedroom Set. He Then Informed Me That Its Up To Me Weather He Comes Back!! Once An Abuser Always An Abuser. A Man Will Change When God Deals With Him. Ask Yourself Why Does Your Ex Want To Come Back After All This Time? Has He Repened For His Abuse He Inflicked On You? Men Usually Want To Come Back When They Are Down And Out Or They Find Them Selves Alone.

i Pray That God Will Give You Dissernment And Wisdom In This Situation. Please Be Cautious. God Has Brought You This Far And I Know That You Don't Want To Go Back To Old Behaviour. Ask God To Fill The Space In Your Heart And Give You Peace.

when Ever I Want To Know What God Wants Me To Do I Ask Him A Question And Ask Him To Give Me Peace In My Heart If It Is His Will. I Get The Answer Every Time. Ask God The Question.

i Never Got Back With My Ex, Even Though He Did Want To Come Back. He Had No Remorse For What He Did. He Told Me He Had Every Right To Walk Out And Unless He Had Complete Control Over Me He Will Do It Again.

 

[pboop]

I'm embarassed to say...I still love him but thank the Lord I have finally learned to love me a little more. He has said he was sorry but it sounded so empty. You are right, he is having a hard time right now. Apparently the relationship he destroyed our marriage for is no longer working out. I found this out from his family and friends (they too are trying to convince me to save our marriage). I will certainly pray that prayer. Thanks so much for responding and sharing. God bless you!

 

[kanga22]

This senario is all too common - spineless men abandoning their marriages with complete selfishness and lack of regret.

In Oct.06 my husband told me he was "done with me". In Jan.07 he had his first physical affair. Before that it had been online emotional affairs and porn. He said we could reconcile (if I jumped through his hoops), but he still has not taken an ounce of responsibility or shown me any change or remorse for what he's done to his family. He will probably blame me, for our lack of reconciliation, until the day he dies. But, I pray to God that I never fall for that nonsense.

Sry, didn't mean to turn my response into a vent....so easy to do these days. Keeping you in my prayers. Have a blessed day.

 

[SearcherKris]

It's OK that you still love him.

You can love him and forgive him without having to be married to him. Reconciliation does not have to require re-marriage. You can love him from a distance.

I still love my husband, and he has abused me and the kids, he neglected us all, and he gave me STD's. Go figure. I guess when God told us to love our enemies, He was not kidding and He somehow found a way to instill that in my heart.

When you have been bonded to someone in marriage, it is more than just a average kind of love. It is long-lasting, possibly never ending. But loving him does not have to mean living with him, once the marriage covenant has been broken. You were joined together emotionally, spiritually, and physically. You became one with each other. That kind of love does not go away easily, maybe not at all.

 

[SearcherKris]

About him wanting to reconcile, I would not buy it, based on what you have said.

He has not done thing necessary to exibit a changed heart. He has not attempted reconciliation until now. Sometimes people just want to have their cake and eat it, too.

I think that for some people, they sin against a marriage so much, that God completely takes it away from them. God will forgive and restore them personally, but He does not let them get away with their sins, either. There are consequences in this life for our sins. Sometimes they hurt. If you sin big, sometimes the consequences are big.

If I'm understanding you correctly, I would let God tell your husband, "No more cake." And you tell your husband to take his licks and move on.

But before you do anything, fast and pray. Get before God. Don't do what any of us say, you do what you know in your heart God is telling you do to.

 

[pboop]

Thank you so much. It took all this time to get over the hurt and now he wants us back together. I made the mistake of putting my marriage before everything. I made my husband the center of all. I put him before family and friends...everything except God. Eventually he even had issues with me going to worship and would not attend church. Once he did that all that I thought mattered to me regarding him went downhill and just kept getting worse. In order to maintain any self respect my only option was divorce. Now that he realizes I have no intention of taking him back...he's suddenly concerned about our marriage. I prayed and prayed not to hate and my Lord granted me that...all I want to do is heal...stop loving him and pull my life back together. Sometimes I get so depressed and sad about what we could be, what we should be...what I lost simply because I loved and trusted. Please pray for me. I don't want to be a bitter woman.

 

[FaithfulWife]

pboop

May I make an observation? My ex did some sort of similar things that just confused me to death until I thought of it like this:

It seemed to me that my ex wanted the "security" of having a wife to take care of the kids, bills and house--and the "thrill" of having a mistress and being sexually pursued and sexually pursuing. It also seemed to me that my ex wanted to have the "image" that a wife, family and nice house could offer him without doing the work to have a good marriage, loving family, etc. Like your hubby, my ex went off more than once, had affairs, left the kids and I, and did MASSIVE DAMAGE to his family--yet when the mistresses had enough of him, he wanted to come back and he'd say he wanted to reconcile. I could never figure out one thing: if he didn't love me, why didn't he just leave me and go to someone else? Why keep on stringing me along? He'd hurt me and the kids over and over by his leaving--then the mistress would be done with him, and he'd start talking about reconciling.

The first time, he would SAY the right words, I would believe him, and then he'd come right back and be the same old man.

The next time he'd say the right words, I didn't believe him as much, he'd make appointments for things like counseling, come back and blow off the appointments and be the same old man.

The next time he'd say the right words, I didn't believe him but wanted to, he'd make appointments and go, he'd START to do the right things, then he'd come back and blow off the right things and be the same old man.

Once we even RENEWED OUR VOWS and within a few months he was right back to his cybersex and affairs!!

So I finally learned something!! He did not really want to come back--he wanted a "back up plan" if the mistresses don't go so well. He wanted a "safety net"!

When a person is truly sorry and repentant, here's what it looks like:
* Their words and their actions match. They don't say one thing and do another.
* They understand the hurt they've created and take responsibility for it.
* They understand that they are going to have to lose some "freedom" because they destroyed trust.
* They follow through on counseling, homework, dr. appts. etc. ON THEIR OWN because they want to change.
* They 100% turn about face from the way they had been behaving and don't behave like that any more.
* They don't blame others for the choices they made!
* They are humble and sad about how they behaved.
* They willingly try to make amends and understand that healing will take some time.

Here is my wise council to you, dear sister. It is true that God does hate divorce--but He also hates the husband who visits violence upon his wife and children. Your husband has done just that. If his change is true and he wants to reconcile due to completely turning his life around, I say give him a YEAR to prove to you the new man that he is and pray to God that your heart would be willing to see the changes. If in that year's time he goes back to being demanding, blaming you, pressuring you to reconcile NOW, etc.--then he has not really changed at all but just lost his "safety net" and is upset about that. On the other hand, if he goes for a full year as a new man, humble and fully repentant for what he's done...if he goes a whole year and goes to individual counseling and marriage counseling and does the assignments on his own...then after a year's time I would suggest that THEN you consider the possibility of reconciling and creating a whole NEW marriage with a whole NEW man.

Does that make sense?

God does not call us to violence, abuse, and neglect at the hands of our husbands for the sake of "not divorcing". God calls us to peace! It is my fervent belief that He would NOT call you to go back to what you were enduring. But our God is indeed a God of miracles and can completely change a man from the inside. If He has worked that kind of miracle in your husband, I do think He might call you to go back to a WHOLE NEW MARRIAGE.

pboop


~Faithful

 

[Spinderella]

If he really wants you, then let him court you for a year. He has to win you back. Then after that make your decision. Spend lots of time praying and waiting on God. Someone told me something interesting recently. God calls us to love our neighbours as we love OURSELVES. If we don't love ourselves our we will have nothing to offer to others. GOd expects that you should love yourself. Don't accept abuse, that's not loving yourself. You are a princess, beloved by the most high GOd of this universe. Look at it this way. If you had a daughter/sister or a special girlfriend, would you advice her to go back to this? Just my two cents.


Spinda

 

[SearcherKris]

May I make a friendly suggestion?

If you do decide to begin a relationship with him again, you could require STD screening as part of the requirement. Make him let you see the test results.

Married people are most at risk for STD's during periods of marrital strife and when reuniting after separation or divorce.

My husband had given me an STD before our first separation. It was an easy one to cure with an antibiotic. But when we got back together, he gave herpes, which has no cure. I will have reoccuring outbreaks for the rest of my life.

Please don't put yourself at risk.

If he is truely repentant and wants to win you back, then he should not mind doing the testing for you.

 

[Divinah]

In saying that you would have seen clear indicators of change not just in his approach to you but in his overall character. And his simple/ignorant desire to reconcile w/out so much as coming in offering those things without you trying to get them out of him illustrates his ignorance...the sad truth I am facing with my ex.

He doesn't even have the good sense to run a good game on me...not that I want that but...it's the least he could do.

And I know he Loves me with all his heart...but his Love is broken.

 

[jacquidube]

Do not feel he is the only man on earth. There are plenty of wonderful men out there.

I still live with a man like that and Im hating every minute of it. I feel worthless and Im not strong enough to end my marriage. I have made my mind up now to end it because I now nothing will ever change. All he is concerned about is himself. I hate the way he treats me and has treated me.
I am sure I attract the wrong men and when I do, I think I deserve it. I deserve to be hurt because my mother hurt me and my step-dad and so when my husband came along and he hurt me, I thought I deserved it.
But you know what! . . . I don't! and neither do you or any other woman in this situation. We have been created by a perfect God who loves us unconditionally. Why fall for anything less. Why allow man to hurt us when we deserve better.
You deserve better. I would never allow a man another chance for as long as I am on this earth. I have tried that so many times. A man is who he is. How can he change from what he is.
My husband has promised me change since I met him 7 years ago but it is guaranteed, he always goes back to who he is. Im sorry if I am sounding negative but Im saying things from experience, with men, parents, brothers and sisters and friends.
Man will let you down but God never will.
You are happy and alot stronger now. Stay that way.

 

[Divinah]

I hope your soon feeling stronger and better as well. It's true, it's not God's will for you to be in brokenness or abused in ANY way. So many women think they're pleasing God when they stay...we really can't blame God or our wedding vows for that. I was in domestic violence counseling for 2 years before I left my husband and year after...it seems all common sense but there is something to it. At some point it becomes not only support but a group that you have to be accountalbe to. And then, they can help with the aftermath. You know women who are abused are not weak...they're some of the strongest, that's what's so crazy about it. It's a broken cycle we fall into and if we let it we become broken in it. Don't let that happen. A support group can help you keep those things...you think you already know...in perspective.

Blessings.