Here for help (Struggling, please help)

[TiffanyW]

My name is Tiffany and I am 28 years old. My husband and I have been married for 8 years on the 23rd of May. We have a 3 year old boy and another boy due in August. (I'm 6 months pregnant.) Last year I discovered my husband's secret life. Since we have been dating he has been secretly talking to women online in a sexual nature and viewing pornography. After much repentance on his part I decided to stick by his side, but last week he confessed that he was at a nudist beach when he was supposed to be on base (Navy) studying for an upcoming test. I am devastated. We were starting to do so good again and I thought things were getting better. He finally admitted to me that he believes that he is a sex addict, and so now is going to weekly sex addict meetings at church (today is his second meeting) and has a counseling appointment set up. He swears that he has never been physically with anyone else but I don't know if I can ever believe that because he has lied to me so much in the past. I know he wants to get better and that deep down he really loves us and God. He says he hates himself. This whole situation has left me in a deep depression and I am trying so hard to lean on God and trust him, but there is a nagging thought in my head. Does God want me in this relationship? Can my husband actually overcome sex addiction? I could really use prayers. I have decided that my husband has my love, my forgiveness, and my support of his recovery. However, if he betrays me again I just don't think I could continue in our marriage. But I don't want to fail God. I just want our marriage to be Christ-centered and to reflect His grace. I just don't think I am strong enough to stay in it if he continues to betray me. Thoughts? Advice?

 

[ClothedInGrace]

Till death do you part... Pray to God and help your husband as best as you can, as I'm sure it isn't fun for him to live with such guilt. I know the guilt of sexual frustration and it has made me suicidal several times. As your husband he needs your help, love, and grace!

 

[mnorian]

My name is Tiffany and I am 28 years old. My husband and I have been married for 8 years on the 23rd of May. We have a 3 year old boy and another boy due in August. (I'm 6 months pregnant.) Last year I discovered my husband's secret life. Since we have been dating he has been secretly talking to women online in a sexual nature and viewing pornography. After much repentance on his part I decided to stick by his side, but last week he confessed that he was at a nudist beach when he was supposed to be on base (Navy) studying for an upcoming test. I am devastated. We were starting to do so good again and I thought things were getting better. He finally admitted to me that he believes that he is a sex addict, and so now is going to weekly sex addict meetings at church (today is his second meeting) and has a counseling appointment set up. He swears that he has never been physically with anyone else but I don't know if I can ever believe that because he has lied to me so much in the past. I know he wants to get better and that deep down he really loves us and God. He says he hates himself. This whole situation has left me in a deep depression and I am trying so hard to lean on God and trust him, but there is a nagging thought in my head. Does God want me in this relationship? Can my husband actually overcome sex addiction? I could really use prayers. I have decided that my husband has my love, my forgiveness, and my support of his recovery. However, if he betrays me again I just don't think I could continue in our marriage. But I don't want to fail God. I just want our marriage to be Christ-centered and to reflect His grace. I just don't think I am strong enough to stay in it if he continues to betray me. Thoughts? Advice?

Hi Tiffany; welcome to CF; may God thru His Son Jesus help you in the problem and give you guidance and bless you, your children and your marriage. As this forum is for greetings you may want to post a prayer thread on our prayer wall:

https://encrypted-tbn3.gstatic.com/...BWQE6jgjiixRCfs72Yryh_kCgnyR_J9HptE4dsKakqfdu

And if you would like to talk privately with one of our ordained Chaplains post a thread here:

http://www.christianforums.com/forums/ask-a-chaplain-private-area.1231/

God bless you

 

[Lulav]

This is just an announcement
that this thread was moved
from the Introduce Yourself
Forum to Christian Advice.
Please stay on topic
and be aware this forum
has a different SOP.
Thank you! ​

 

[Sketcher]

Honestly, fighting this is like fighting a hydra. Deal with one area of temptation, and at least one more comes to take its place. And that gets tiring. Your husband needs help. But beware of anything that relies on carnal methods of dealing with temptation. The root sin issue is the same, whether he's online or at a nudist beach or wherever. Methods are not enough. He needs a miraculous dose of power and cleansing from the Holy Spirit.

As for you, endure. This is likely a very long and hard road. Sexual addiction has been compared to nicotine addiction. Please be patient with him. At least he's taking steps. He's likely feeling a lot of shame about this. And he needs you.

 

[tturt]

TiffanyW, welcome to the forums. Very sorry that you're having to deal with this. You're wiling to forgive him, love and support him for everything up to this point but then there's a "however" and a lot of stress about the next time. Encourage you just to focus on the here and now. Yes, he can be healed because Yahweh is our healer (Psa 30:2). Please try to rest in your spirit, soul and body (Philippians 4:8; Psa 145; 149). Praying, too.

 

[SeekingGod2]

As someone who is going through a situation where my wife of 16 years has said she doesn't want to be with me anymore, I find it a blessing to see a woman who is willing to fight for her marriage and trust in the Lord that marriage is something serious. It's not you who will change your husband. It's the Holy Spirit. If you are committed to saving your marriage, pray earnestly and diligently that there is true repentance in your husband and that he values his relationship with the Lord and his family. These few verses have really helped me, and may be a blessing to you as well:

Do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. (Phil 4:6-7)

Rejoice always, pray continually, give thanks in all circumstances; for this is God’s will for you in Christ Jesus. (1 Thess 5:16-18)​

I pray Lord's mercy on your family and that there will be healing. All the best.

 

[Greg J.]

I'm not sure all these posts are what you want to hear. The reason is that you are already married. You decided before God that this is the man you want to stick to through thick and thin all your life. If you were perfect (and no one is) you'd fulfill your commitment regardless of anything he does. That is what God does, including when we lie to him (which is more like lying to ourselves). If you are already married to him God wants you to be in that relationship and stay in it. The exception is only if his heart has changed so that it is acceptable to him to be persistently unfaithful. The sign to look for is that he is also turning away from God. Regardless, God still wants you to take the higher road and love him unconditionally. If he were becoming abusive, then it would be more difficult to know what God wants you to do. However, you have a lot of options that are in between "happily married" and divorce.

Be aware that genuine, full blown addiction is something that a person cannot stop on their own. Also note that you are both works-in-progress. Ideally, marriage should be a supportive relationship through the many years where God needs to work on each of you. You are discovering his and your own human limitations and it is always painful. Only God, and God in you, is able to love regardless of how he or she is treated.

I'm not sure how your husband could be doing better, although I obviously don't have details about your relationship or the situation. Most men don't want to admit they have a problem, and those that do, don't seek help for it. Pornography is a powerful addiction. One can't stop seeing things (attractive people) that trigger it. It's like being an alcoholic who has to walk through a liquor store several times a day. Those that manage to stop it are still going to be susceptible to falling back into it for a long time. One slip and the "can't stop on one's own" can start up again. Recovering from it isn't a "just stop" event, it is a long-term process. Wouldn't you want his support through years of a struggle you had? (which you could actually expect to happen some day)

 

[JCFantasy23]

It's good he acknowledges the issue and is going to meetings about it. It can be like any addiction - gambling, drinking. We are all predisposed to certain sins more than other I believe. Addiction to porn and online are not indicators the person desires physical cheating offline, but it can be a precursor in some cases. Since he's owning up to it, going to church about it, then I would keep encouraging him and praying for the best.

 

[magicaxeman]

I'm going to simply recommend you watch a Christian film called The war room, I think it will help you find a way to fight for your marriage.

 

[Kit Sigmon]

My name is Tiffany and I am 28 years old. My husband and I have been married for 8 years on the 23rd of May. We have a 3 year old boy and another boy due in August. (I'm 6 months pregnant.) Last year I discovered my husband's secret life. Since we have been dating he has been secretly talking to women online in a sexual nature and viewing pornography. After much repentance on his part I decided to stick by his side, but last week he confessed that he was at a nudist beach when he was supposed to be on base (Navy) studying for an upcoming test. I am devastated. We were starting to do so good again and I thought things were getting better. He finally admitted to me that he believes that he is a sex addict, and so now is going to weekly sex addict meetings at church (today is his second meeting) and has a counseling appointment set up. He swears that he has never been physically with anyone else but I don't know if I can ever believe that because he has lied to me so much in the past. I know he wants to get better and that deep down he really loves us and God. He says he hates himself. This whole situation has left me in a deep depression and I am trying so hard to lean on God and trust him, but there is a nagging thought in my head. Does God want me in this relationship? Can my husband actually overcome sex addiction? I could really use prayers. I have decided that my husband has my love, my forgiveness, and my support of his recovery. However, if he betrays me again I just don't think I could continue in our marriage. But I don't want to fail God. I just want our marriage to be Christ-centered and to reflect His grace. I just don't think I am strong enough to stay in it if he continues to betray me. Thoughts? Advice?

TiffanyW:

I want you to know that it's not just his addiction, this affects you.
Are you in counseling too? if not, please think about that.
Wives need to know all they can about how to fight in this area.
This sexual sin problem twists how you think and react to your husband.

Look up online how porn affects the brain, there is a lot of information about that now.
One site I recall is www.fightthenewdrug.org
copy and paste the link in your browser.