Her Past

[SoC]

*has only read the first post*

[sarcasm] I think you should give up, because it's hard to forgive her and get over it. Nothing that's hard to do is worth it, ever. [/sarcasm]

Honestly, you have to make the decision for yourself. Will you forgive her for a past she has repented of, or hold it against her and leave?

I realize that forgiving her is a tough thing to do. My girlfriend has done things she's not proud of that I had to forgive. If I didn't forgive her, we couldn't move forward in our relationship.

Honestly, though, if she has repented and been forgiven by God, why shouldn't you? It's not easy and it hurts, but it's worth it - whether you end up marrying her or not.

Also, read this.

 

[nahMish]

you know what happened at the cross?
instead of people symphasising with Jesus, they were spitting on him and cursing him saying, "YOU BROUGHT THIS ON YOURSELF." Did he? NO.
i have a friend who was publically disgraced by other christians for the sexual mistakes that she made and she is now saved by the blood of Jesus. her sexual sins are no different from any other sin except that it may have a larger impact on her life. she wishes she never gave in, and im sure this girl does too.
Jesus FORGIVES and moves on, encourages and brings people up to a better life...whatever you do, dont let your dissapointment about your potential future sex life ruin your relationship with her-YOUR SINS are not SMALLER THAN HERS.. if you think it is, thats unfair and its a lie from the devil...we are meant to love each other as christ loves the church

 

[Tuffguy]

All of that is well and good, but if you can't get past it, the best thing you can do for yourself is to move on. I know exactly what you are going through. You can't get things out of your mind. Its not your burden to bear. Move on. I'm SO glad i did!

 

[hoosier]

If purity is a great value, then I can understand you're in a pretty tough position. If I was in this sort of dilemma, I'd probably think about it and pray about it a lot. It really comes down to if you truly love her not...in my opinion.

 

[robalan]

If purity is a great value, then I can understand you're in a pretty tough position. If I was in this sort of dilemma, I'd probably think about it and pray about it a lot. It really comes down to if you truly love her not...in my opinion.

Also keep in mind that there are certain levels of past sin. A person who had premarital sex on one occasion isn't on the same level as someone who had it for years and years. Just my opinion. The reason I say this is because there will be more tangible, real-life consequences in the relationship with someone who's had extensive sexual experience than there will be with someone who has had little or none.

 

[SoC]

Also keep in mind that there are certain levels of past sin. A person who had premarital sex on one occasion isn't on the same level as someone who had it for years and years. Just my opinion. The reason I say this is because there will be more tangible, real-life consequences in the relationship with someone who's had extensive sexual experience than there will be with someone who has had little or none.

Does that mean he should give up on her?

I have a friend whose testimony includes heavy drug use, breaking into someones apartment with the intention to kill and steal the drugs and/or anything valuable he had, partying, one night stands, etc. His wife was a constant partier as well, though in a different part of the country. They lived together before they became Christians. I count them among the godliest people I know.

Sure, my friend has told me that there are consequences that they are still facing, but they work through them, instead of giving up. They forgive instead of condemning.

It all really comes down to the OP's commitment to the girl. Is he willing to stick with her and work through her past, or not?

 

[barefeetonholyground]

My question is why stay with her if you can't forgive her? All it would do is create a void in your relationship that'll eat you alive until you end becoming so distant you'd end up in a relationship similar to Siddalee's parents in the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

 

[robalan]

My question is why stay with her if you can't forgive her? All it would do is create a void in your relationship that'll eat you alive until you end becoming so distant you'd end up in a relationship similar to Siddalee's parents in the Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood.

O, the wisdom of "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". We all should meditate upon such wisdom from Hollywood.

 

[Deliberatetourist]

I know countless examples of Christian women who were chaste until marriage and then years later fell into adultry and destroyed their families. Pray about it and take God's direction. The book of life is full of the names of countless individuals - murderers, former prostitutes etc.. that have found redemption and are living a whole life and enjoying the benefits of another Godly person within the context of marriage.

 

[Mrs. Enigma]

I feel very sorry for you. I would feel the same way if I were in your shoes.

Thankfully, My hubby and I both had no pasts, and had never dated before.

But, I do not know if I could personally get over it, especially if the person had sex with someone while they knew I existed. I'd be concerned that they might be weak after we are married at some point and slip back into this.

I don't know if I could just totally forgive and forget. I think I would be too jealous and upset. It would damage the relationship, I am sure.

I do not know whether you should persue the relationship or not. Are you sure she is being completely honest with you right now?

Anyhow, if things were to advance to marriage, I would definately need to have all questions clearly answered, but it might not be best to know every detail either.....

 

[robalan]

The problem, as I see it, is not so much about this girl's past, but about who she is now. Past sexual sin is definitely a big thing to consider. The reason it's such a big thing is because I have seen many cases where, even while a person claims to be freed and forgiven, they still possess the same heart, actions, and thoughts as they did before--except that mere circumstances have prevented them from continuing the sin. These are people who should not be forgiven and who we should steer clear from. So the problem is that past sexual sin tends to affect our actions today. But if you have convincing proof over an extended period of time that her actions and thoughts have transformed, then I think you should accept her if you love her. Just make sure it's in her past. That's all I can say. Good luck.

 

[superfly]

the fact that she's told you all of this is a testimony to her repentence. if she didn't care too much for it, she probably wouldn't have told you. she trusts you enough to tell you that. that's a very tough thing to tell someone.

she really has repented, and she really is sorry. you need to forgive her, that's not who she is now. you won't be able to get over it until you forgive her.

 

[barefeetonholyground]

O, the wisdom of "Divine Secrets of the Ya-Ya Sisterhood". We all should meditate upon such wisdom from Hollywood.

Maybe you should look at the content of my post. I said nothing about happy endings, strategy in problem solving, or anything of the like. I was merely bringing up the relationship in the movie as means of illustration.

 

[princessellie]

In this I don't know where to start. This will probably be more than you want to read.

I met this girl on a website called myspace, (I'm sure pretty much all of you have heard of it) in late 2004. I was attracted to how great she was in her faith. She sounded like a really powerful Christian. We became great friends and hit it off real well. Later, I began to drift off and not talk to her as much as I do with pretty much all my friends I meet online. This was during the beginning and through the summer of 2005. Later on, I started to talk to her again in about October. Then, we became something much more. I never realized how great she was and i never would have known how much she would help me.....I was really glad I started talking to her again. That was how we began and this is where the story begins.

As we got closer, we started to be more honest to each other. We shared everything with each other and realized how alike we were. Anyways, it got to the point where she finally decided to tell me something about her past. She told me that she wasn't a virgin. The first thing I wondered was if this was before she was a Christian (because she became a Christian only two and a half years ago and she is 16 years old)
She said no.
I asked when.
She told me it was earlier this summer...the summer of 2005.
(this was after I met her and during the time I wasn't talking to her)
I didn't understand. I didn't know why she would do that with someone. I didn't know what would make her do it.
She told me the story of how she met this guy on myspace that she was attracted to because he said he was a Christian. They became close in about a month and then he started pressuring her to do that with him. She told me in that time, she was weak and she had no friends to go to and all she wanted was to "be loved" so eventually, one night, she gave in. She told me that she was confused and that she wasn't very strong in her faith at that time. This completely crushed me.
I'm a very jealous person. I wasn't upset necessarily because it was wrong....but because I absolutely hated it that someone has been with her in that way and it wasn't me.

We talked about it and she told me specifics like…they pretty much had clothes on and the only thing they did was "the one thing" that makes you not a virgin. That helped me a little but I still had problems thinking about it. I hated that guy and I never met him. It wasn’t fare to me.
“Why does he get rewarded for being the poisonous, no good, hypocrite he is? He got something I’ve never had from her because he doesn’t know how to control himself and he caused a sister in Christ to stumble. It’s not fare at all.”

It didn’t end there either. She told me about other events from her past where she was really close (physically) with her ex-boyfriend. She said they though they loved each other which made them want to be close. She told me about how they did practically everything EXCEPT the one thing that makes you not a virgin, which means he has seen her in about every way. She told me about how they would lay in bed together without clothes on, and then they would get carried away from there. These were the thoughts that I absolutely hated. I didn’t know which guy to hate more.

She says that she was s different person in that time because she had only been a Christian a few months so she didn’t know very much. She says that I’ve helped her to become a better person and that’s why she hasn’t made those mistakes with me. I’m happy that she has become a better person. But I’m always tortured with these thoughts. Sometimes I think it’s the devil doing this. I always want to know more about what happened. I always want to know specifics because I want to if it’s better or worse than how I picture it happened. She really hates it that I can’t get over it. And she gets upset every time I mention it. She says she has mostly forgotten all of it and that it is not in her heart anymore, it’s not a bother anymore because she has been forgiven by God. Purity is exactly what I want in her mind. But I find it hard to believe that she forgot most of it. I would really love it if it could all be erased from her mind because when we are married, I really want it to be a new experience for her. No matter how far fetched it sounds.

What I want to know is: should I just try to forget it even though it’s so hard? Is this the devil just getting to me? Am I just being selfish? Should I just have a sit down with her, get out all of these things, put it all on the table and have her answer everything I’m wondering, no questions asked?<(that is what I think would really help) Or should I not mention it to her anymore because it just reminds her of the past she is trying to forget?
When we’re married, is it possible that she can clear her mind so much that it will be a new experience for her when we can share each other as man and wife?

Sometimes I feel the only way I will feel better is if she becomes closer to me than she was with either of them. But I know that this is just the devil. I know we are going to get married, and I hope I can get over this before then.

That is my little problem.

P.S I would really appreciate it if I had your prayer, whoever is reading this. I need it badly.

i know your situation, i am in your girlfriends position, i too have been in those relationships in the past and that was hard for my boyfriend to handle,

i didnt tell him everything to begin with because i knew he couldnt handle it but it kept itself in the back of his mine as it is in yours, eventually we had to talk about it because basically he couldnt get over my past until he knew what my past was, it wasnt easy for me to tell him all of this so i know how your girlfriend feels 100%

i think we spoke about it for 4 or so hours (i cried for about 3 of them) but he now knows 100% of my past i didnt want to tell him but he said he needed to know for himself and if you have the intention of marrying this girl then you need to be able to get over this too

it will not be easy for her to tell you it takes alot of trust to open up like that and even with all the trust n the world it is still hard but tell her how you feel and ask her to tell you what you need to know

oh one last thing, when she says she has pretty much forgotten about most of it, it isnt that she has completely forgotten about it couse that wont happen, if she is anything like me it is more that she doesnt think about it anymore, once you know that god has washed you of your sins and you have been forgiven you put it behind you and try to move on from it so you dont dwell on it

i hope this helps, just remember you might hear things that you didnt want to know, but at leeast you will be able to get over it

 

[Angeldove97]

My friend is recently going through a similar situation and he has asked me for advice on his situation so maybe I can offer you some. He met a nice young Christian lady on Xanga (that blog site) and they became close since she was planning to go to his college in a few months. They became very very close... but her ex-boyfriend kept coming back into her life. She started telling him she loved him and he fell in love with her too... but now she's still if'y about meeting my friend, let alone having a relationship. So they stopped talking for awhile (a week or two) because of it... then they talked everything out and now they're friends but we'll see what happens there.

Moral of the story: If somebody lets you know, please realize they're only human and you want to truly be her Brother in Christ (which is what you SHOULD BE focusing on FIRST and FOREMOST), you should set an example and help her work through her sin and uplift to the Lord. Build up your friendship, through forgiveness, communication, and trust... and you'll have a good base start if the Lord seeks to bring you two together.

Second story, I met my current boyfriend at this site, through that first friend I told you about (they were roommates). We started chatting once in awhile as well and within a few months, he started having feelings for me, but because he was a good Brother to me he refused to tell me... to complicate things. Instead, he prayed every night for almost a year that the Lord would bless me with happiness and if it was the Lord's will, he would like to be the one who made me happy. We became best friends and he helped me out through a tough break up and I helped him out through a break up as well. It was because of how much of a wonderful Brother he was to me that I truly fell in love with him.

Moral of the Story: You'll do more for this young lady if you help her grow in faith with Jesus. Don't walk away from her because Jesus might use you as His servant to help this young lady... you might be all she has.

Hope at least some of this stuff made sense.

 

[hasnoname]

The question should really be, are you Christian? If you are then you should understand grace completely.

I have made mistakes in my past. I was in a relationship that I knew God didnt want me to be in but for various circumstances (parental pressure and of course my own will)...I ignored him. I guess to justify my relationship...I did have sex with my ex. I wanted to have a reason to stay in the relationship. Needless to say...it was one of the biggest mistakes of my life...especially in relation to my walk with God. It destroyed it because she became my idol. I wouldnt give up on her when I needed to...but with that commitment, I thought we would have to be married.

The point is...that doesnt make me any less of a person. One of the greatest things my current girlfriend did was look past it. It might have hurt, but she never said it. Ok...so you have waited. But have you ever told a lie? Have you ever done anything wrong? To look so closely at someones mistakes completely ignores grace. If they have repented, let it go. In an ETERNAL perspective, it has little significance, and that is the perspective we are supposed to live in. What has more significance is (hopefully) the moment you show her grace and completely forgive her.

In God's standards, you are not fit for him, yet He loves you the same and when you repent, He lets go of your shortcomings. It is all about grace...you cannot truly love someone without it.

God never questions his forgiveness, neither should you.