Help!

[forgiven104]

My bf and I have been dating for about 2 and a half years. I love him more than anything. About 3 months in to our relationship, he wanted to know my full sexual past. Everything. I didn’t want to talk about it and he said okay. 6 months in, he asked again and I didn’t want to talk about it, but he got upset and I did anyway. The only thing is, is that I left out one encounter. I was so ashamed. And I have been ashamed for years. It has been laid on my heart to tell him the truth, but I am so scared he’ll leave me or think I’m untrustworthy. I know I shouldn’t have lied, but this encounter made me feel so bad about myself. I hated myself. When he started asking, all those self hate feelings started coming back. I now feel like a proposal is coming soon and I have to tell him. Any tips or advice? Do you think he’ll forgive me?

 

[Josheb]

My bf and I have been dating for about 2 and a half years. I love him more than anything. About 3 months in to our relationship, he wanted to know my full sexual past. Everything. I didn’t want to talk about it and he said okay. 6 months in, he asked again and I didn’t want to talk about it, but he got upset and I did anyway. The only thing is, is that I left out one encounter. I was so ashamed. And I have been ashamed for years. It has been laid on my heart to tell him the truth, but I am so scared he’ll leave me or think I’m untrustworthy. I know I shouldn’t have lied, but this encounter made me feel so bad about myself. I hated myself. When he started asking, all those self hate feelings started coming back. I now feel like a proposal is coming soon and I have to tell him. Any tips or advice? Do you think he’ll forgive me?

What has he done to earn the privilege of knowing that which you do not want known?

 

[forgiven104]

He is very good to me and I just want to make sure we have a good marriage. I guess I am more worried that somehow it will come up one day and he will know that I have lied. Would it be better to admit I lied or apologize later? I have never been one to ask questions about his past because the past is the past. God is the one who forgives his past. Not me.

 

[NerdGirl]

There is never any reason to probe into a partner's sexual history. It's in the past, it can't be changed, God does not hold you accountable for it any longer, and neither should your partner. It's who you used to be, not who you are, and talking about it (especially in detail) will only burden your partner with jealousy. I always advise couples to *not* do this, especially if you know that you or your partner is prone to jealousy or insecurity. It can suffice to say "I'm not a virgin" and leave it at that. Nothing more needs to be explained.

However, since you already opened the door to it, and he's been pressuring you about it (a warning sign that the conversation *did* make him jealous and worried), and now you're feeling guilty about leaving part of it out, it needs to be dealt with.

Do NOT tell him about this encounter. It will do NOTHING beneficial, it will not increase his love or trust, it will fester in his mind and feed into any jealousies or insecurities he already has. Your past is between you and God, your current boyfriend has no say and frankly, no right to an opinion, and certainly no right to any jealousy (!) over things that happened before you met him. By the same token, do not interrogate him about his past relationships.

Deal with this between yourself and God. Speak to a trusted female Christian confidante if you need to. Your past relationships should not be following you into your new one. Stop letting it happen, deal with it now, before you get engaged and certainly before you get married.

 

[NerdGirl]

He is very good to me and I just want to make sure we have a good marriage. I guess I am more worried that somehow it will come up one day and he will know that I have lied. Would it be better to admit I lied or apologize later? I have never been one to ask questions about his past because the past is the past. God is the one who forgives his past. Not me.

Look at what you're saying. "The past is the past, God is the one who forgives his past, not me." WHY are you expecting to be held accountable by your boyfriend for YOUR past then?

 

[forgiven104]

Thank you very much for your advice. I’m so worried about the fact of my past because I lied. I just lied and that’s what I worry about. That he will feel that I’m untrustworthy if he were to ever find out. I told him upfront I didn’t need to know his past. We knew each other were not virgins when we met, but he’s always wanted to know these things. Should I not feel bad about lying?

 

[NerdGirl]

Thank you very much for your advice. I’m so worried about the fact of my past because I lied. I just lied and that’s what I worry about. That he will feel that I’m untrustworthy if he were to ever find out. I told him upfront I didn’t need to know his past. We knew each other were not virgins when we met, but he’s always wanted to know these things. Should I not feel bad about lying?

I get why you might. Of course it's a GOOD thing to be uncomfortable with lying. However, your private, intimate, sexual past is NOBODY'S business outside of you and God. It's not your boyfriend's business, nor does he have any right to it. So, from that angle, in my opinion, you have nothing to feel badly about. Tell God about it, give it to Him, and stop fretting over it Don't feel like you have to go and unburden yourself by telling your boyfriend. "Hey babe, so, I have this other really embarrassing, shameful sexual experience from my past that I didn't tell you about..." No, lol. It's irrelevant to your current relationship and life, and it would only make him feel anxious, jealous, insecure, etc, to hear about it.

 

[Sketcher]

Thank you very much for your advice. I’m so worried about the fact of my past because I lied. I just lied and that’s what I worry about. That he will feel that I’m untrustworthy if he were to ever find out. I told him upfront I didn’t need to know his past. We knew each other were not virgins when we met, but he’s always wanted to know these things. Should I not feel bad about lying?

Regardless of whether he's dealing with your past in a healthy way, it's important to him to know what he's getting into if he commits to you. And if he finds out that you didn't tell him the truth about something that he demonstrated is important to him, that's going to be bad for the relationship. You should come clean before you get married IMO. However, he may have asked for more information than what is good for him, so don't tell him any more than the bare minimum that is needed to be honest with him. Be sure to communicate how you feel about this as well.

 

[bèlla]

It would be wiser to acknowledge you made a mistake which causes you shame that you neglected to share. Than pretend it never happened through deceit.

The omission will come out eventually. Then he may ask what else you’ve withheld. There are numerous posts on this site from married people dealing with the fallout of conscious omissions. The pain and mistrust which followed isn’t worth it.

If you want to spend your life with him. Give him the chance to embrace you as-is. There will always be aspects of character or behavior that cause us shame and regret. But love covers a multitude of sins.

I would rather spend my life with a man who knows my weaknesses. Whose seen my shame. And loves me anyway. I can bare myself to him. That’s a love worth having.

Secrets inhibit trust and transparency. You may regret this later on.

~Bella

 

[NerdGirl]

I really don't think details about a past sexual encounter fall under the category of "secrets" in a relationship. I highly doubt every engaged couple sits down to list every sexual act they've ever done throughout their lives, when, where, with who, etc. There's a big difference between weaknesses, shame, etc, in your current life, and things you did a decade ago that have no bearing on who you are now. Again, what *benefit* would come from this man hearing about this sexual experience with his soon-to-be fiance? None. Zero. Her sexual past is between her and God and no one else. Do you really think she can say to her boyfriend, "I left out one sexual act because I was embarrassed. I'm sorry. But I don't want to talk about what it was," without sending him into a frenzy of anxiety and jealousy? Do you think he won't worry and poke and ask about it again and again until she caves in? And when she does, do you think he'll be fine with hearing about how another man (or woman?) touched his future wife? Come on. This past encounter was not an offense *against her current boyfriend* and he has no right to information about it. If she's strong enough to say "I left something out, and I'm sorry for that, but I will not give any details about what it was because it's the past and God's forgiven me and it's not who I am anymore" and leave it at that, then more power to her.

 

[bèlla]

We’re not dating him. She is. She lives with the consequences of her choice. We don’t. She must decide what is best.

~Bella

 

[Sketcher]

I really don't think details about a past sexual encounter fall under the category of "secrets" in a relationship. I highly doubt every engaged couple sits down to list every sexual act they've ever done throughout their lives, when, where, with who, etc. There's a big difference between weaknesses, shame, etc, in your current life, and things you did a decade ago that have no bearing on who you are now. Again, what *benefit* would come from this man hearing about this sexual experience with his soon-to-be fiance? None. Zero. Her sexual past is between her and God and no one else.

Married couples that I know who are still married require truth here. Maybe not details, but at least who it was. I've seen what happens when a spouse finds out that the other spouse dated someone prior to marriage but that person wasn't on the list, and it wasn't from the spouse that was involved. That was not pretty, and there wasn't even sex involved with that relationship. Best to hear it from the SO yourself, and best for the SO to volunteer that information before marriage rather than after.

Do you really think she can say to her boyfriend, "I left out one sexual act because I was embarrassed. I'm sorry. But I don't want to talk about what it was," without sending him into a frenzy of anxiety and jealousy? Do you think he won't worry and poke and ask about it again and again until she caves in? And when she does, do you think he'll be fine with hearing about how another man (or woman?) touched his future wife? Come on.

Either he will get over that or he will not. If he will not, why should they get married at all? If he will, the most respect she can give him for that is telling him herself before the relationship goes further. How she breaks that news may or may not look like that, I have no advice for how to word it.

This past encounter was not an offense *against her current boyfriend* and he has no right to information about it. If she's strong enough to say "I left something out, and I'm sorry for that, but I will not give any details about what it was because it's the past and God's forgiven me and it's not who I am anymore" and leave it at that, then more power to her.

The lying is an offense against him. Furthermore, sexual encounters do have consequences for the future, much of the time this is the case even after God has forgiven them. If the two lives are to become one, then there needs to be truth here, though details are likely a bad idea.

 

[NerdGirl]

That's why I said, if she can have this conversation without him getting jealous or insecure or stewing over it, then it's up to her if she wants to take that route. MOST men cannot handle these conversations without falling to jealousy and insecurity. I've heard story after story of men who say "I asked my girlfriend about her past and now I can't get it out of my head". What is SHE supposed to do about that? It leaves her in the position of being punished for something *she cannot change*.

To say "sexual encounters do have consequences for the future" is like saying "everything you ever did or said or thought or experienced has consequences for the future; therefore, you must disclose everything you've ever done, said, or thought to your future spouse". After all, our whole lives and the scope of all our experiences and actions contribute to what happens in the future. Your future spouse needs to know the things that are 1) relevant to who you are in the current time and 2) relevant to your future together. A fleeting tryst that happened in the past and is no longer part of who you are, does not fall into either of those categories.

The whole notion of "let's sit down and discuss every sexual experience we've ever had" among couples is crazy to me. Sure, it's understandable to want to know if your partner is completely inexperienced or has a sordid past that may carry long-lasting results (STD's, trauma, addictions). But a one-time mistake that you regret and have left behind and moved on from? Nope. It has no business in the present.

 

[Sketcher]

That's why I said, if she can have this conversation without him getting jealous or insecure or stewing over it, then it's up to her if she wants to take that route. MOST men cannot handle these conversations without falling to jealousy and insecurity. I've heard story after story of men who say "I asked my girlfriend about her past and now I can't get it out of my head". What is SHE supposed to do about that? It leaves her in the position of being punished for something *she cannot change*.

To say "sexual encounters do have consequences for the future" is like saying "everything you ever did or said or thought or experienced has consequences for the future; therefore, you must disclose everything you've ever done, said, or thought to your future spouse". After all, our whole lives and the scope of all our experiences and actions contribute to what happens in the future. Your future spouse needs to know the things that are 1) relevant to who you are in the current time and 2) relevant to your future together. A fleeting tryst that happened in the past and is no longer part of who you are, does not fall into either of those categories.

The whole notion of "let's sit down and discuss every sexual experience we've ever had" among couples is crazy to me. Sure, it's understandable to want to know if your partner is completely inexperienced or has a sordid past that may carry long-lasting results (STD's, trauma, addictions). But a one-time mistake that you regret and have left behind and moved on from? Nope. It has no business in the present.

If I loved a woman with a sexual past, I would not want to know the details myself. You're describing precisely why it's a bad idea to ask for details. I believe a guy who is going to ask for details like that is asking because of insecurity that he has. If then, he has that insecurity, it is much, much worse to lie to him about that. If it's a live grenade now, it's going to be a 500-pound bomb later if she doesn't tell him herself.

As for how relevant this encounter is to the future for the OP and whoever she marries, neither you nor I know that. That is for the couple to discuss, with discretion. The lying though, that cannot happen. Continuing in a lie can be counted on to be a long-term disaster.

 

[forgiven104]

Thank you all very much for your posts. It has really helped me think through a lot.

First, I do believe lying to him was wrong of me. I should’ve just been honest from the start, but it was so hard. It was so early on in the relationship when he asked to begin with.

Second, I do want to be with someone who loves me as I am. With all my regrets, shames, and past. I am terrified that he won’t forgive me, but I do feel like he would be more likely to forgive me if I tell him the truth verses if he finds out some other way that I have lied. Your thoughts?

However, he is currently in a job where he works around things that could remind him of my past mistake with this person. I’m afraid every time he turns around he will think about it and not be able to forgive me.

 

[NerdGirl]

The fact that you're not even engaged or married, yet you've both exhibited extreme insecurities and anxieties over each others' pasts and reactions, is a big red flag to me. Look at your own wording: Regret, shame, terrified, afraid.

Also, looking back at your OP again, I just realized that this conversation you had with him was TWO YEARS AGO. You're still fretting and eating yourself up over a conversation that happened two years ago.

And where on earth could he work where he would be reminded of something sexual "every time he turns around"?

I honestly think that your urge to "confess" to him has a lot more to do with your own insecurities, fears, and inability to forgive yourself, than anything to do with him. I don't know, there's just a lot going on here that makes me wonder how stable this relationship is.