Help.

FGEH · Oct 11, 2017

Thank you so much for accepting me on this forum. Here goes and thank you in advance for reading and/or commenting.
My Wife, who I do love is having the same thoughts as me. We have been together for 17 years and married for 8 years. She had a son from a previous relationship and we have a daughter together. The son does not see the poor excuse of a man that created him and hasn't seen him for over 10 years. (He is 18 now) So I have been the Dad since he was 18 months old. He knows about his mothers previous relationship.
I am having/have had major issues with the Son. From a very early age, I identified that there was some kind of mental deficiency there but I was just called a Bast@@d by the wife/girlfriend at the time and her family for even suggesting such a thing. It was a difficult time whilst he was growing up. Discipline was a major issue and he really wore us down. Since the age of 13/14 he turned to drugs and as a consequence he steals. He has been ripping me off for years, not just money but anything of value. He is 18 now and is still doing it. He even brazenly admits it and says it is to "support his lifestyle" (drugs)
The biggest issue is the wife. She has done nothing to stop this behaviour even when it was evident at a young age. She would argue about my disipline in front of him then would reverse any off my punishments behind my back. As a consequence, she raised a monster who "got off" causing arguments and getting Mum and Stepdad to argue. He loves driving a wedge. He is a lying/stealing/drug taking piece of scum. Now that may very well sound harsh on here but I challenge anyone to have what he did done to you and not hold the same opinion. (This is where I doubt my faith to even think that) The Wife loves him and has made it clear he is her number 1 and me and daughter come second.
My mental health has deteriorated significantly the last 5 years and I now suffer from severe depression and anxiety and I am on daily medication. This had been greatly exaggerated with the Son's games and the Wife turning on me everytime he does this. To her it is all my fault because I didn't cuddle him enough as a boy, or I was too strict or I pushed away because he wasn't mine. Non of which I think is true.
I love my wife and when the Son is taken out of the equation we get on very well and have a lot in common. However, from the beginning she made it very clear about her son being number 1. I thought at the time that was fair but since we had a daughter and house/married, we would be a family and all be equal. But no, he gets all off her time and even though it is my money/jewellery/possessions that have been stolen, (he doesn't steal her things) She expects me to just "get over it,"
I feel like such an idiot. My Wife had nothing when we got together. Just a council flat and in debt. I got with her and helped look after her son. I rented a flat, moved her and her son in, lifted her out of poverty and paid her debts off. She then finally gets a job and we climb the property ladder. I work my [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] off and always have. I have always earned more than the Wife so I have always paid the most when it comes to bills etc. The thanks I get for all that is a huge slap in the face by the son who hates me and the wife refusing to disipline the now drug taking adult. She refuses counselling/doctors for him because she thinks it will ruin him.
Should I leave? I am terrified to do so but my mental health is declining rapidly at home. I fear where my mental state might take me. I also fear the son who is known to carry a knife and is becoming violent when confronted about the thefts.
I know if I do leave, as a man I will get completely screwed over financially which I think is very unfair considering what I have done for her.
Caught in all this off course my daughter who witnesses daily criminal activity from her brother and her Mum and Dad going at each other.
I am so unhappy but lack the courage to leave. I don't have anywhere to go and the wife will get all the money. If he were to move out it would help but the wife has made clear he is going nowhere. Please help. God bless you all.

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

What do you think of these articles?

One suggests a better way to collaborate to resolve your problems to the satisfaction of both parties, and the other suggests a potential solution if that doesn't work.

Blended Families #1

Blended Families #2

Living apart definitely has other risks, but living together in this way is damaging you, your daughter, your stepson and your marriage.

Since you still love your wife, this may be the solution that allows the marriage to continue without the ongoing damage and deterioration.

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

It's very difficult to supersede a son in a marital relationship while his mother (the wife) is so caught up with enabling him.

If you and your daughter lived separately, and your wife could come to stay with you whenever she wanted to (without the son), then she would be rewarded with the full consequences and responsibility of her son's behavior. Often that causes the mother to have a second look at his behavior.

I would consider separating the finances so she lives on what she makes and you & your daughter (and your wife's second residence, since she is welcome to stay anytime) live on what you make. This is also often a key factor in causing the mother to come to a reality on what her behavior has enables, especially as she works to support an adult son whose use of her becomes more blatant by the day.

Do not allow the son to visit your residence until he has apologized and promised to change his ways. Until then, you'll just be asking for disaster and calamity to visit. Keep your home a safe sanctuary for your daughter.

FGEH · Oct 11, 2017

Two good articles, Thank you. Even though we are "blended," I had no previous child but that article hits the nail on the head reference the parent putting the child first. I constantly live through this and always thought it was wrong. The internet however is full of advice and when I approach her to show her similiar articles, she will go on line and find something in her favour which calls me out as the problem. ☹️

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

What do you think about living separately until the son goes out on his own?

FGEH · Oct 11, 2017

Endeavourer said:
It's very difficult to supersede a son in a marital relationship while his mother (the wife) is so caught up with enabling him.

If you and your daughter lived separately, and your wife could come to stay with you whenever she wanted to (without the son), then she would be rewarded with the full consequences and responsibility of her son's behavior. Often that causes the mother to have a second look at his behavior.

I would consider separating the finances so she lives on what she makes and you & your daughter (and your wife's second residence, since she is welcome to stay anytime) live on what you make. This is also often a key factor in causing the mother to come to a reality on what her behavior has enables, especially as she works to support an adult son whose use of her becomes more blatant by the day.

Do not allow the son to visit your residence until he has apologized and promised to change his ways. Until then, you'll just be asking for disaster and calamity to visit. Keep your home a safe sanctuary for your daughter.

Thank you. Something I am considering, a real shame that my marriage will end over this. My poor daughter caught in all this and unfortunately my home is not a sanctuary as long as the son is here. He makes no effort to hide the drug use or the thefts in the home (and even flaunts it) He laughs at me over my faith and my visits to church. I tried to take him a few times but he stoped.
I feel like I have been used these last 17 years. Like I am only here to cater for her son and if I don't like it "that's your problem."

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
... a real shame that my marriage will end over this.

You're right. It doesn't have to with this option.

FGEH said:
My poor daughter caught in all this and unfortunately my home is not a sanctuary as long as the son is here. He makes no effort to hide the drug use or the thefts in the home (and even flaunts it)

Her mother is not seeing straight to continue to expose the daughter to this. You are the adult who is not buying it so your daughter is depending solely on you to provide a safe environment for her.

If you could read what you wrote through the eyes of a neutral party (not from the vantage point of a frog who is in the middle of a boil that came upon him slowly), you would be able to see how devastating this will be to your daughter's life; not only the dysfunctional marital modeling but also her exposure to criminal activity and drug use.

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

The articles I posted were from Dr. Harley, who has researched marital behaviors from 10,000's of couples and put the reality of what works/doesn't work into his counseling advice.

His web site hosts a free forum staffed by lay volunteers, which he personally supervises to ensure the advice provided is good, to provide step by step support to spouses in situations like yours to resolve their problem in the most marriage-saving way possible.

I'd recommend you take the step of separation, but also post to his forum for next step guidance as you go along. The lay volunteers there have a mission minded passion for saving marriages, but also a passion for helping people resolve their marital situation the best way possible for all parties if the marriage cannot be saved.

Thoughts?

FGEH · Oct 11, 2017

Endeavourer said:
The articles I posted were from Dr. Harley, who has researched marital behaviors from 10,000's of couples and put the reality of what works/doesn't work into his counseling advice.

His web site hosts a free forum staffed by lay volunteers, which he personally supervises to ensure the advice provided is good, to provide step by step support to spouses in situations like yours to resolve their problem in the most marriage-saving way possible.

I'd recommend you take the step of separation, but also post to his forum for next step guidance as you go along. The lay volunteers there have a mission minded passion for saving marriages, but also a passion for helping people resolve their marital situation the best way possible for all parties if the marriage cannot be saved.

Thoughts?

Thank you. I like the idea of separating (can't believe I am saying that) but, I work away and always have done. I disappear for a few weeks at a time then home for a couple of weeks. When I come home I find the thefts/drugs that have been prevalent while I have been away. When I come home the Son just stays out all night (something else the wife resents me for) because he knows I won't stand for it.
That being said, if I left and I couldn't take my daughter with me. She would have to stay with Mum. They do love each other but I fear for there safety when I'm not around. Also, I have piled everything I have into this house which is vast becoming a drug den. All my savings and all of debt is mine. The wife will screw me over in a divorce when all she did was move in. I'm in such a state. I don't know what to do.

joshua 1 9 · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
Thank you so much for accepting me on this forum. Here goes and thank you in advance for reading and/or commenting.
My Wife, who I do love is having the same thoughts as me. We have been together for 17 years and married for 8 years. She had a son from a previous relationship and we have a daughter together. The son does not see the poor excuse of a man that created him and hasn't seen him for over 10 years. (He is 18 now) So I have been the Dad since he was 18 months old. He knows about his mothers previous relationship.
I am having/have had major issues with the Son. From a very early age, I identified that there was some kind of mental deficiency there but I was just called a Bast@@d by the wife/girlfriend at the time and her family for even suggesting such a thing. It was a difficult time whilst he was growing up. Discipline was a major issue and he really wore us down. Since the age of 13/14 he turned to drugs and as a consequence he steals. He has been ripping me off years, not just money but anything of value. He is 18 now and is still doing it. He even brazenly admits it and says it is to "support his lifestyle" (drugs)
The biggest issue is the wife. She has done nothing to stop this behaviour even when it was evident at a young age. She would argue about my disipline in front of him then would reverse any off my punishments behind my back. As a consequence, she raised a monster who "got off" causing arguments and getting Mum and Stepdad to argue. He loves driving a wedge. He is a lying/stealing/drug taking piece of scum. Now that may very well sound harsh on here but I challenge anyone to have what he did done to you and not hold the same opinion. (This is where I doubt my faith to even think that) The Wife loves him and has made it clear he is her number 1 and me and daughter come second.
My mental health has deteriorated significantly the last 5 years and I now suffer from severe depression and anxiety and I am on daily medication. This had been greatly exaggerated with the Son's games and the Wife turning on me everytime he does this. To her it is all my fault because I didn't cuddle him enough as a boy, or I too strict or I pushed away because he wasn't mine. Non of which I think is true.
I love my wife and when the Son is taken out of the equation we get on very well and have a lot in common. However, from the beginning she made it very clear about her son being number 1. I thought at the time that was fair but since we had a daughter and house/married, we would be a family and all be equal. But no, he gets all off her time and even though it is my money/jewellery/possessions that have been stolen, (he doesn't steal her things) She expects me to just "get over it,"
I feel like such an idiot. My Wife had nothing when we got together. Just a council flat and in debt. I got with her and helped look after her son. I rented a flat, moved her and her son in, lifted her out of poverty and paid her debts off. She then finally gets a job and we climb the property ladder. I work my [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] off and always have. I have always earned more than the Wife so I have always paid the most when it comes to bills etc. The thanks I get for all that is a huge slap in the face by the son who hates me and the wife refusing to disipline the now drug taking adult. She refuses counselling/doctors for him because she thinks it will ruin him.
Sould I leave? I am terrified to do so but my mental health is declining rapidly at home. I fear where my mental state might take me. I also fear the son who is known to carry a knife and is becoming violent when confronted about the thefts.
I know if I do leave, as a man I will get completely screwed over financially which I think is very unfair considering what I have done for her.
Caught in all this off course my daughter who witnesses daily criminal activity from her brother and her Mum and Dad going at each other.
I am so unhappy but lack the courage to leave. I don't have anywhere to go and the wife will get all the money. If he were to move out it would help but the wife has made clear he is going nowhere. Please help. God bless you all.

There are a few things you need to study up on and learn about. One is boundaries. Everyone has to establish boundaries in life and you can not allow other people to establish them for you.

People that take drugs are dysfunctional. They look for people who enable them in their dysfunction. If you choose to be a part of dysfunctional relationships then the only way they will allow you to participate is as an enabler.

As far as the blame game people make all their own choices in life. No one can make our choices for us. No matter how much we try to blame others God is going to hold each and every individual responsible for the choices they make in life.

As far as what is stolen they are going to get it all. That is why we are to have treasures in Heaven. Do you watch the news in California? So many people there have lost it all. But we get it all back again, if not here then in Heaven.

Matthew 16 Treasures in Heaven
19 Do not store up for yourselves treasures on earth, where moth and rust destroy, and where thieves break in and steal. 20 But store up for yourselves treasures in heaven, where moth and rust do not destroy, and where thieves do not break in and steal. 21 For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.…

Perhaps you could look into one of the: "Boundaries" books on Amazon. Or do a google search on the subject. Or study up on what it means to be an enabler.

joshua 1 9 · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
I have into this house which is vast becoming a drug den.

In this state you can lose your house if they find drugs in it. I had a son that broke out the windows in the middle of winter. I had to either throw him out or we both were going to be homeless. Him and his mom both ended up homeless. Makes me wonder why I did what I did for them then I realized it was for MY sake I did those things and I was a better person for my sacrifice.

Tolworth John · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
My mental health has deteriorated significantly the last 5 years and I now suffer from severe depression and anxiety and I am on daily medication. This had been greatly exaggerated with the Son's games and the Wife turning on me everytime he does this

May I suggest that you get professional advice from a lawyer.
Keep a record of your items, cash that walk. So you have evidence of theft.
Seek marriage councelling for yourself and your wife.
You need to show the divorce court that you have bent over backwards to keep your marriage together and to gain custody of your daughter. It is your daughter I am concerned for. What is he likely to do to her?
Please seek advice and help from professionals, legal experts and social services.

FGEH · Oct 11, 2017

Tolworth John said:
May I suggest that you get professional advice from a lawyer.
Keep a record of your items, cash that walk. So you have evidence of theft.
Seek marriage councelling for yourself and your wife.
You need to show the divorce court that you have bent over backwards to keep your marriage together and to gain custody of your daughter. It is your daughter I am concerned for. What is he likely to do to her?
Please seek advice and help from professionals, legal experts and social services.

I caught him stealing money on a hidden camera but the police say it wasn't enough to prosecute. As for the violence, he has to assault one of us before the police will do anything. They can't really do anything for threats of violence. As for him carrying a knife, he says it is for protection But the police have to catch him with it. He has been involved with the police a few times over the last few years but nothing really came from it. Just the wife, who turns against me and makes my life a misery for involving the police in the first place. ☹️
We went to the first marriage counselling today but I didn't get much say. It was all the wife telling the councillor how crap I am as a Dad to her son. Next session in two weeks so hopefully I will get my say then. My daughter doesn't really talk to her brother. She thinks he is scum like I do so she tends to avoid him. I don't think he will do anything to her but in his drugged state he can be very unpredictable. The police have all of my concerns on email so, if the worst happens, there is a paper trail.
The thing is, he wouldn't stand a chance against me if confronted man to man and he knows this, that's why he makes threats of hitting me "when I'm not looking" or when I am asleep. He also thinks that the police are on his side and thinks I will be jailed the moment I hit him. I never have but, I have restrained him several times very recently when he has come in and tried to hit me or smash my house up. I just wrestle him to the ground and hold him until he calms down. I have never been so disappointed in someone before. Where did I go wrong?

Tolworth John · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
Where did I go wrong?

You didn't, his mother did.
Are there people in the church to whom you both could talk to, that is if your wife would go to them?

FGEH · Oct 11, 2017

Tolworth John said:
You didn't, his mother did.
Are there people in the church to whom you both could talk to, that is if your wife would go to them?

Maybe, we married in this church and consider them our friends. The Rector is very busy man. I just don't feel right troubling him with this.
The councillor today is from a Christian organisation. I am just praying it helps.

Tolworth John · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
The Rector is very busy man. I just don't feel right troubling him with this

It is what he is there for, your spiritual support and councelling.

sdmsanjose · Oct 11, 2017

By FGEH
The Wife loves him and has made it clear he is her number 1 and me and daughter come second.

My mental health has deteriorated significantly the last 5 years and I now suffer from severe depression and anxiety and I am on daily medication. This had been greatly exaggerated with the Son's games and the Wife turning on me everytime he does this. To her it is all my fault because I didn't cuddle him enough as a boy, or I too strict or I pushed away because he wasn't mine. Non of which I think is true.

Unfortunatly you have been forced into a situation that you have to take tough actions. I understand that you have been weakened but you must take actions and if you can, get all the support you can ftom all sources in your community.

Years ago my adult son stole from me because he was using drugs. I called the police and had him put on jail more than once and I know that is very hard to do. He finally left the home and lived on the streets for a few years. Thank God he finally came back home and has been clean for several years now.

In your case you are going to have to be willing to take very tough actions and that includes having the police get involved with your son…Your wife has already made it clear that her son is the priority and not you so her opposition to you should be expected. Your priority is you, your minor daughter, and God. Your son and wife have chosen to disregard you and God so they cannot be your top priority. Make no apologies about you taking tough actions and get yourself help so that you can take actions that will eventually make things better for you and your daughter.

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
That being said, if I left and I couldn't take my daughter with me. She would have to stay with Mum. They do love each other but I fear for there safety when I'm not around. Also, I have piled everything I have into this house which is vast becoming a drug den. All my savings and all of debt is mine. The wife will screw me over in a divorce when all she did was move in. I'm in such a state. I don't know what to do.

Sir, you must reconsider your job which I assume is what causes you to be away. Your daughter needs you to not put your job ahead of her well being and safety.

I had to take a significant career detour for about 10 years for the sake of giving my kids what they needed in an upbringing. I have a number of degrees that would have allowed me to follow a lucrative career path. I've never caught up to where I could have been, but I've caught up enough. So I'm not telling you to do anything I have not had to make the choice to do myself.

Guys usually don't have a mindset to consider this so quickly while we women know it's part of our path. In your case, your wife is not providing the mothering and protection that your daughter needs. It is very important that you do not abandon your daughter to this den of dysfunction for the sake of your job.

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

FGEH said:
The councillor today is from a Christian organisation. I am just praying it helps.

I'm sorry to say but many counselors do not have the foggiest idea how to save marriages. If I understood your post right, yours allowed your wife to vent and criticize you in your presence for most of the session.

This is very damaging to the marriage, and a big reason why the marriage counseling industry has a very high failure rate, not only in the marriages they try to counsel but also their own.

Often when the couple vents about each other in front of each other, they leave with all of the wounds even rawer than when they arrived.

Endeavourer · Oct 11, 2017

sdmsanjose said:
Make no apologies about you taking tough actions and get yourself help so that you can take actions that will eventually make things better for you and your daughter.

FGEH, Jose is correct. Remember, though, tough actions don't have to be a divorce; a separation is not a divorce but is often very helpful in restoring the marriage for a variety of reasons.

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