help with the stages of grief

[seedwah]

so to keep it short.
my oldest brother a couple years ago developed a drug problem and got addicted to pain medicines.
he had done a lot of damage to his body and overdosed 16 times with even more trips to the hospital than just those for different reasons.
he probably cost the state with medical bills and disability over a million dollars through the course of his "shenanigans."
but no matter how many times i got angry, my parents kicked him out of the house, or he tried to commit suicide, which was over 3 times. he was still my brother, and blood relative.
in a sense i loved him but couldn't stand him.
add all those trips with him to the hospital and time taken out of school, like once we drove 367 miles cause he overdosed when i was in ninth grade and missed like two weeks of school. the doctors had said he was in a coma and possibly wont recover. but he did
but i learned that one day he would die and i accepted that, but i never knew when he would.
i felt like i went through the stages of grief while he was living.
is that odd?
so to the point
on 12/23/11 yesterday my mom went to pick him up to go to the doctors office and then to our house to spend Christmas with us
and having a key to his apartment was worried cause he didn't return our calls
so her and my grandmother went in to check on him
and they found him lying on the floor cold as ice
he past away
the medical examiner said it looked like a heart attack that was caused by strenuous activity, he was moving his bed, because my mom asked him to clean up, and he loves our mother so he obliged
but it was too much for him because of all the damage he did with drugs, even though he has been clean since april
but he died a quick, painless death and had a smile on his face
so to the other point
when i heard, because my dad went to drag me out of work early and they let me go, i was not surprised. of course i felt pain
because well hes my brother and nothing will ever be the same without him
but i didn't cry, i prayed. when me and my dad got to his place
all i could was pray over my mom, dad and grandma
i said under my breath. "Lord you know my heart and today is not my day, it is theirs. please give them strength" and some Bible verses
i just kept praying. but i didn't cry at all. sometimes i feel like crying but i just gave it to God
i feel like i did my job praying
but my grandmother was mad at me for not crying.
she just kept saying "Lord, please give him the strength to cry"
is there something wrong with me
i ended up leading a prayer at my grandparents house with a few family members who gathered to help us. but is it wrong of me?

 

[TruthSeeker2012]

so to keep it short.
my oldest brother a couple years ago developed a drug problem and got addicted to pain medicines.
he had done a lot of damage to his body and overdosed 16 times with even more trips to the hospital than just those for different reasons.
he probably cost the state with medical bills and disability over a million dollars through the course of his "shenanigans."
but no matter how many times i got angry, my parents kicked him out of the house, or he tried to commit suicide, which was over 3 times. he was still my brother, and blood relative.
in a sense i loved him but couldn't stand him.
add all those trips with him to the hospital and time taken out of school, like once we drove 367 miles cause he overdosed when i was in ninth grade and missed like two weeks of school. the doctors had said he was in a coma and possibly wont recover. but he did
but i learned that one day he would die and i accepted that, but i never knew when he would.
i felt like i went through the stages of grief while he was living.
is that odd?
so to the point
on 12/23/11 yesterday my mom went to pick him up to go to the doctors office and then to our house to spend Christmas with us
and having a key to his apartment was worried cause he didn't return our calls
so her and my grandmother went in to check on him
and they found him lying on the floor cold as ice
he past away
the medical examiner said it looked like a heart attack that was caused by strenuous activity, he was moving his bed, because my mom asked him to clean up, and he loves our mother so he obliged
but it was too much for him because of all the damage he did with drugs, even though he has been clean since april
but he died a quick, painless death and had a smile on his face
so to the other point
when i heard, because my dad went to drag me out of work early and they let me go, i was not surprised. of course i felt pain
because well hes my brother and nothing will ever be the same without him
but i didn't cry, i prayed. when me and my dad got to his place
all i could was pray over my mom, dad and grandma
i said under my breath. "Lord you know my heart and today is not my day, it is theirs. please give them strength" and some Bible verses
i just kept praying. but i didn't cry at all. sometimes i feel like crying but i just gave it to God
i feel like i did my job praying
but my grandmother was mad at me for not crying.
she just kept saying "Lord, please give him the strength to cry"
is there something wrong with me
i ended up leading a prayer at my grandparents house with a few family members who gathered to help us. but is it wrong of me?

1. God loves the sinner but hates the sin. Love your brother, but it's OK to have hated his behaviour. A parent will always love their child, even though they may hate some of their behaviour. See the difference?

2. I was a drug dealer and a cocaine and speed user for many years, yet one day I came to Christ and stopped. I was lucky, I too ended up in hospital, but I made it through. I do not know why your brother had to die and didn't make it like I did. Father God knows, that's what matters. It's terrible what drugs does to a person, and we behave in ways we would normally do.

3. Don't be so hard on yourself, you cannot protect a man from himself. Look what happened to Elvis, Amy Winehouse and look what happened to Satan, he had it all, yet freely decided to be poisoned by hatred and envy. You did the best with what you knew, and God knows your heart.

4. A person sheds a tear in their own time, your tears are coming, believe me, they will. There is nothing wrong with you, sometimes grief and sorrow can take time to surface.

I can tell you loved your brother, and I believe you would give anything to give him a hug right now, God knows that.

God bless your heart and my condolences.

 

[wayfaring man]

No it's not necessarily wrong that you didn't cry. Sounds like he passed on in a good place, having gotten clean...and the smile on his face would seem to indicate that he found peace with God. Which would mean his death is not so much a tragic, bitter end, but a sweet relief, and a new, far better beginning.

Your story reminds me of how David mourned for his ailing son while he was still alive, but (to the shock/surprise of his peers), ceased his morning once he died.

See 2 SAMUEL CHAPTER 12

wm

 

[seedwah]

No it's not necessarily wrong that you didn't cry. Sounds like he passed on in a good place, having gotten clean...and the smile on his face would seem to indicate that he found peace with God. Which would mean his death is not so much a tragic, bitter end, but a sweet relief and new, far better beginning.

Your story reminds me of how David mourned for his ailing son while he was still alive, but (to the shock/surprise of his peers), ceased his morning once he died.

See 2 SAMUEL CHAPTER 12

wm

yeah he got up one day and said no matter how much morning i do he will never come back.
if i am right he shave himself as well
and the son was from the wife of the man he sent on the front lines. in a sense he killed someone and make them a widow so he could marry her and God took them both

 

[TruthSeeker2012]

...Your story reminds me of how David mourned for his ailing son while he was still alive, but (to the shock/surprise of his peers), ceased his morning once he died.

See 2 SAMUEL CHAPTER 12

wm

Amen!

 

[TruthSeeker2012]

yeah he got up one day and said no matter how much morning i do he will never come back.
if i am right he shave himself as well
and the son was from the wife of the man he sent on the front lines. in a sense he killed someone and make them a widow so he could marry her and God took them both

God's will be done and we must trust in God, that no matter what happens, no matter who dies, God's will be done. Trust in Father God and surrender your concerns to Him.

When you think of sad events, remind yourself, "God's will be done".

 

[elenore]

Heck no.

Your grandmother is judging you because she doesn't understand. Don't let her.

(she might be condeming you to try to make herself feel better - it happens.)