Help with advice please

[MaisyPolly]

Please can I ask for advice. My 14 year old daughter wishes desperately to continue going to a majorette troupe here in the UK, but the girls there are so different to the kinds of girls I would like my daughter to mix with, they have a half time, and loads of them go outside to smoke. My daughter came home from college and \i found a new packet of tobacco in her bag, which she says another girl at college asked her to look after and give it to her at the majorette troupe later in the week, which she also attends, but the girls is saying that my daughter asked her to buy it for her !! both the girls are 14 ! I went along to the troupe and stayed, and loads of the girls went outside to smoke. The leader an an older lady also smoked in front of them, and told the girls that they were the best troupe in Tiverton as they were the sexiest ! the troupe has loads of 14 to 16 year olds, who wear loads of make up and huge eyebrows ! what do I do... should I stop her going there. My daughter loves baton twirling and going to this group.....but we have tried other groups and they are all the same, here in the Uk they attract a certain sort of girl....help needed, thankyou x

 

[maintenance man]

For context, I have two daughters - one is 19 and one is 28. My oldest daughter would never consider something like this. My younger daughter did go through a phase like this. She smoked and wore the provocative clothes. My wife and I more or less inadvertently played good cop- bad cop. My wife freaked out and badgered my daughter. I calmly and rationally talked with her about why I felt she was making bad choices. My feeling was the more we tell her no the more she will want to do it behind our back. I'd much rather be fully aware of what's going on than have her sneaking around.

Long story short: After a couple of years she grew out of it, stopped smoking, and now dresses more conservatively, and has overall changed in demeanor. (this was between ages 17 - 19) I'd like to think because I kept the line of communication open with her, sharing my concerns, but still allowing her to make her own choices - in time she learned to make the right choices.

Your millage may very.

I'm praying for you right now.

 

[vinsight4u]

/nvm

 

[Tolworth John]

My daughter loves baton twirling and going to this group.

Oh the joys of teenaged years !
Your options:-
To ban going to groups like this and have a major fight, sulks and rebellion.
or
To talk to her about the dangers of smoking and how you trust her to not start something so damaging to her healtgh. Probably the most effective comment will be how aweful smokers breath smells to non smokers.
A large part of her problem is wanting to be part of the group, you know the power of peer preasure.

All I can suggest is if you let her continue is to support her in being different in not smoking ( she will smoke, you'll have to decide how to deal with that )
and hold a perminant ban over her head for blatent breaking of your trust.
Keep talking to her about what she sees and what you expect, encourage the good things while pruning the bad.

If only that were simple.

 

[akmom]

Smoking is pretty addictive. If she wants to dress provocatively, as you call it, or have a sour attitude, those are things she can stop and will likely outgrow. But the smoking will probably be a permanent habit. Statistically speaking, most people who smoke become addicted. I think 14 is too young to be allowed to make a decision that will likely be a lifelong habit, with all the financial, social and health implications that smoking brings with it.

Personally I'd draw the line there. If you can't prevent her from smoking (or using drugs or other high-risk behaviors) then it might just be time to separate her from the troupe. But if at all possible, I'd try to let her keep doing things she enjoys and just put your foot down on the biggies. Some rebellion and independence is just normal, inevitable, maybe even healthy.