help with a 10 year old daughter

[janny108]

Does anyone else experience this? I have a 10 year old daughter and we get along pretty well. She is the last child living at home. I don't know if its hormones like I've heard what it might be. She's always been pretty compliant and she likes school and her classmates/teacher.

Lately she has been raising her voice and saying things like "woman" in addressing me. Now I know for a fact I've heard that at her school. But the main thing is she blames others for something. Ex. she forgets to bring something home with a time sensitive date on it and she'll say she did n't have time or she forgot or something.

Sometimes I admit I get impatient as I'm very conscious of punctuality and it bugs me to be running "on the last minute" resulting in being late or close to it.

What can I do about the raising the voice tho? Both my husband and myself are very soft spoken so I don't know where she is getting this or if it's just hormones.
Jan

 

[Neenie1]

If this is happening at school and she is bringing it home you need to explain to her that it's not acceptable behaviour- that it doesn't matter what the other kids are doing, it's not OK for her to do it, and it's not acceptable at home.

Also if she is forgetting to bring home permission notes and homework there needs to be a consequence.

At 10, she should be reponsible enough to bring her homework home to do, and if not (even after a reminder) she needs to have consequences. Maybe explain to the teacher what is happening, and let her set a consequence for not getting her homework done in time. Also with permission notes, my ds did this once, kept forgetting to bring a note home (for a social event at school) and I said to him, well if it doesn't come home today - then you ARE NOT going. It worked, and then for a while after that he was really really great at bringing everything home. Although he got slack a little towards the end of last term. We are on term break at the moment so we will see what the new term brings lol.

 

[homeofmew]

usually Men who think they are better than Women call someone a "woman" when addressing them. As for time sensitive dates. some kids have problems procrastinating.
They like to do things their way but when it comes to projects, you know they gotta do it the last second right?

 

[Robinsegg]

Something that might work for raising her voice is to set up a signal with her that she needs to stop talking for a moment. A simple gesture could work to help her realize how loud she's getting. She may honestly not realize it (I didn't at that age).

Have you addressed this with her, asked her about it? Is she doing this only when she's also showing an attitude, or is it much of the time in regular conversation? If it's while showing an attitude, it can be addressed with the attitude.

My mom used to have a sign up on her fridge. It said: "Lack of preparation on your part does *not* necessarily create a state of emergency on mine." That means, if you didn't prepare, don't expect me to go into emergency hurry mode to help you fix it. Something like that might help her see what her responsibility is, in a lighthearted manner.

My daughter will turn 9 in July. I'm in the process of teaching her that she is responsible for her own behavior, regardless of what anyone else is doing. I've been teaching her this concept since she was 2yo . . . and was pleasantly surprised to hear how she handled herself at a recent slumber party (she walked away from anyone doing something wrong instead of participating in it)! If your daughter is having similar issues, you might try the following:
1. Apologize to her if you haven't addressed peer pressure issues in the past.
2. Help her see that both her parents and God hold her responsible for her own behaviors and choices.
3. Give her coping strategies on how to handle herself when those around her are making poor choices.
4. Praise her anytime you see her making the right choices, esp. (but not only) if others around her are not.

Rachel

 

[heron]

My mom used to have a sign up on her fridge. It said: "Lack of preparation on your part does *not* necessarily create a state of emergency on mine."

A brilliant mom.

At 10, she should be reponsible enough to bring her homework home to do, and if not (even after a reminder) she needs to have consequences.

I'm in the process of teaching her that she is responsible for her own behavior, regardless of what anyone else is doing.

I consider ten old enough to see that no matter what the parents want or enforce, she will reap what she sows into her own life.

Point out the succession of consequences when homework is late. Teachers lose respect for her, they won't trust her when she wants to ask a favor, with a lower grade she will end up in a different grouping of courses and maybe not with her friends... those sort of things might not occur to her. It's not just about obedient vs. naughty.

This is such a hard age socially. For the next three years, her friends may be unusually catty and competitive, irritable, disloyal, slandering, and very aware of what gets them ahead socially. This mellows out, but it is a tense time for everyone.

If you think of stages of development, she is naturally falling into what her instincts tell her to do. Babies rely on adults to feed the world to them. Toddlers explore their worlds then run back to safe places. Elementary kids study their world and see outside their sphere of influence. Teens begin to challenge status quo, and develop skills for independence.

On the safety level, tweens have explored their environment, and are learning how to compete for a respectable position in the pack. That's probably all she's doing. She might even be teasing you, knowing you've been able to handle it. I started feeling like an adult when I was about eleven. I did not see much difference between tweens and adults, at that time. We had strong opinions and knew about the world.

But at that age, their immaturity causes them to pick things up with less discretion, because they haven't learned or experienced the dangers yet. They are bolder because they still feel invincible. In a few years, she will see peers make life-changing mistakes, and will understand more.

In the meantime, keep reminding yourself not to let the sun go down on your anger. Don't let your fears control you, of what she might become. Keep putting her in God's hands, as I'm sure you are now.

 

[JoeFNJ]

I think your daughter is trying to exert her authority as she gets older. You describe yourself and husband as "softspoken", she may be trying to control you with her authoritative voice and manner. I would put an end to the disrespectful phrases right away and try to find out if there is something more to it. I think the conversations will be long and drawn out but it's worth it to find out what the real issue is. Good luck.

 

[tiffyof6ntwins]

my 11 yr old is loud spoken just naturally at times it sounds as though she is yelling but she is the oldest of 5 and i used to have a day care in my home so naturally you have to talk louder to get over the kids.. even being the last one at home, if her class room is noisy and she has to be louder to get over them, so be it. but then she needs to learn to control it when she is in a quiter environment such as at home. as for not bringing notes home.. i have always had the rule that if i dont see them, they dont get signed.. as others have posted.. i will not rush myself to suit them.

 

[McScribe]

OUt of curiousity have you been trying any consequences, and has there been any effect at all?