Help please?

[::.Emerald.::]

I hate that this has to be my introductory post, but at this point, I need the help..

I have been married for 9 years. My husband has cheated on my 3 times at least.. his family and I both agree there were more times he was unfaithful, but he refuses to admit it. He has done the porn thing, and then apologized.. I am having a really hard time with this! As much as I want to make things work, I have suffered this for 9 years. Just as soon as I think I can pick myself back up, it happens again.

This last year, he has seemed to change. He went to one counselling session with a pastor, and believes that he knows all he needs to know from that and no longer needs to intervention unless I go with him.. I am in couselling on my own at this point just to have a little esteem, as was recommended. the biggest problem here, is that he has been so wonderful over the last 8 months or so- but I just do not feel the same about him. I love him, there is no doubt about it, I always will love him. But I feel like I have fallen out of love. As wonderful as he has been, I don't trust him completely, and always wonder in the back of my mind if he is just playing me again.

He just left for war in the sandbox. I have been crying for hours- both from being sad he is gone, and from the guilt I feel for being glad to be alone. I am trying to open myself back up to God for his help. While I do not blame God for what happened, I have felt so abandoned by Him- and I know that was my choice as He would never leave me.. but feelings I have had just the same. I am not sure what I should do- I am scared to stay, scared to leave.

At one point, I resolved to just honor my husband as I am supposed to, and if God wanted me released, He would do that, but until then, I was to give myself to my spouse as I promised to. I just don't know if I can do that for the rest of my life. It would take a massive devine intervention to give me the grace, and strength to live my life this way.. I have been told I need to forgive.. well I have forgiven his past- but I still hurt from it. I do not bring this up to him, as I have agreed to lay it behind me, but the lack of trust, and the pain I feel as a person still linger in our lives.

I am currently in Germany- we don't have much in the way of ministry- all but 3 of the chaplains are deployed, and they don't seem to have time for me to come in for help.. what can I do?

 

[chriso]

Remember there is not a problem too big for God to handle. You need to turn this over to him. You need to find a good christian support group maybe some other service men's wives that you can confide in and pray with. You must know that you are not responsible for your husbands mistakes. Pray that the Holy Spirit will convict your husband of his past transgressions. And if he truly repents. Then you must try to forgive him also. I will be praying for you. God Bless You

 

[katelyn]

If you have really made the commitment to honor your husband as you are supposed to, I think God will honor that and allow your relationship to be healed, as long as your husband is willing.

I agree with chris about finding a support group of some kind. It is always helpful to have someone to talk to about it.

God bless!

 

[blitzn]

If you're up for some good reading, check out my thread and read through the progression that the Lord has taken me through in the last few months. I don't even agree with some of the things I myself wrote in the beginning of that thread. I agree wholeheartedly with Chriso, God can change everything if you trust in Him...

http://www.christianforums.com/t44570

 

[::.Emerald.::]

Thank you for your responses. I did read your thread- it is totally amazing and I am so very happy for you!

I guess the problem I have, is that I know that he wants me. He never stopped being attentive to me.. he even slept with me and the other woman both in one day.. I never knew when he was doing it, he was very sneaky.. it was never obvious like he left one night and did not come home.. I really never had a clue until the women called the house, or wanted to tell me.. I found a love note one time in his wallet, and he gave me two separate lies about it on two occasions.. the lies have killed me!

Now , he seems to be trying very hard, but I am having a very hard time accepting it. I withheld myself physically a long time after this last affair. I contracted an STD from him after his second affair, and I did not want another one. When I became intimate with him again, it was not the same. It has not been ever since. My heart is not there, and each day I am torn over that- somedays I want it to be there, other days, I feel it is what is guiding me away from this. Lord I just need you to shine a sparkle on the path you want me to take. Whatever He has for me, is right- I just need to find my way.

Again, thank you all.

 

[Iddie4him]

Be strong in will and your convictions, God will work his ways with your husband and things will work out. E-Beth and I will pray for you and your marriage.

 

[desi]

I feel bad for you. Hang in there and pray for God's help. If you want to follow desi's practical advice try this...

Start writing him saying the usual stuff, love ya baby, and mention a male neighbor he vaguely knows has been striking up small talk / helping with the small stuff around the house etc... nothing taboo. Keep mentioning such small things about the same person until he gets back. This should focus him back onto you and he should behave accordingly. When he is there glance at other men, mention how your girlfriend like his friend's butt etc... Give him a hint of you not being 'on the hook', that way you become the challenge you once were instead of the nag he may see you as.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

Wow.
*hug*
I just don't understand.

 

[momof3blessings]

I feel bad for you. Hang in there and pray for God's help. If you want to follow desi's practical advice try this...

Start writing him saying the usual stuff, love ya baby, and mention a male neighbor he vaguely knows has been striking up small talk / helping with the small stuff around the house etc... nothing taboo. Keep mentioning such small things about the same person until he gets back. This should focus him back onto you and he should behave accordingly. When he is there glance at other men, mention how your girlfriend like his friend's butt etc... Give him a hint of you not being 'on the hook', that way you become the challenge you once were instead of the nag he may see you as.

Don't do any of this.. The last thing you need him thinking is your cheating on him. This goes against everythings the bible says, you don't want to make him jealous. War is a lonely place especially over in the sandbox I had a brother-in-law over there. Just keep praying God wil show you the way. Ask him to show you how to open your heart to him again your still being with him says alot. Is there other Christian women over there you could talk to? Someone who could be a mentor? Pray for God to lead you to someone over there. I pray that you find the answers you need.

 

[allieisme]

I feel bad for you. Hang in there and pray for God's help. If you want to follow desi's practical advice try this...

Start writing him saying the usual stuff, love ya baby, and mention a male neighbor he vaguely knows has been striking up small talk / helping with the small stuff around the house etc... nothing taboo. Keep mentioning such small things about the same person until he gets back. This should focus him back onto you and he should behave accordingly. When he is there glance at other men, mention how your girlfriend like his friend's butt etc... Give him a hint of you not being 'on the hook', that way you become the challenge you once were instead of the nag he may see you as.

I agree with the post above mine.. DONT DO THIS! This really isnt christian like either, I dont know I strongly disagree with what she says to do. I will be praying for you and your family.

 

[jessiegirl]

I agree with allieisme and mamaof3blessings. Deceit is not the answer. Prayer is! I know how betrayal in a marriage feels. Take the high road and turn it over to God!!

jessiegirl

 

[::.Emerald.::]

I certainly do not want to be deceptive.. I could not ask him to be honest while I am not offering the same.. I have a feeling this deployment is going to change a lot, and that answers will come when he returns.. soldiers have a lot of time to think when they are out there, and so do the spouses at home. Just have to keep praying and take this time to get myself right with God.. I just hate not knowing..LOL I so want to be able to move in whatever direction I am supposed to be going in, instead of feeling like I am stagnating in murky water..

thank you all for your encouragement, and advice.. I will keep you updated.

 

[desi]

I hate to break it to many of you but prayer independent of action in situations like this rarely works because the free will of the offender is beyond God's reach as defined by our uniqueness as humans with free will. When people choose to rape, murder, steal etc... we call the police to handle it instead of praying about it as Christians. Like Oprah once said, 'To change the way someone treats you you have to change the way you treat them.'

 

[ceres]

Well personally after three affairs (or more) and one STD, I think my patience would have run out. If you are still there and still want to make it work, good for you! GET COUNSELING(for yourself). Ask him if he is willing to get counseling with you. Ask him if he wants to change, and if he will change. If he has no intentions of changing, then I would get a divorce. Probably not the perfect Christian answer, but thats what I have to say on the matter...

 

[Norah]

Emerald,

Prayer independent of actions may not be as effective (though I wouldn't be one to put God in such a box.) The important thing is to choose the right actions. Resorting to deceitful mind games would obviously be detrimental, since God doesn't play childish games that way - neither should we no matter how much the world would like to encourage us otherwise. I can't tell you what the right action would be - the best advice I can give is to stay in prayer and search after God's heart in each of your decisions.

I am in Germany through my husband's military career too. Feel free to pm me if you ever want someone to vent to - while my husband hasn't been sent to Iraq (yet - ) I probably understand many of the things you're feeling regarding living overseas anyway. There are many stresses just in that experience alone, so I can only imagine how much you must be hurting right now with this situation.

Maybe while your husband is gone you can use this time to really commit yourself to spending lots of time in God's word each day, and like I said earlier, spend time seeking after His own heart. I know that he can make an ugly situation into something beautiful - stay faithful to Him and surely you will find your peace there.

 

[::.Emerald.::]

Honestly, all I can do at this time IS pray. There are no actions for me to take while I sit safely here and my husband gets shot at. I have one year to live this way- I am already in counselling, though with a non Church related entity since we have none here- and I am reading the Word and trying to release my hurt.. I used to be able to hear God, but not for a long time. I know it is because I have walls up.. they are slowly coming down, but that is WITH prayer.. I have no intention of lying to my husband, nor will I do anything that would dishonor him. I am praying for his safety, for him to hear the Lord in his heart.. the rest, is about me, and my changes.

Thank you all again.

 

[mollyj]

Emerald, I appreciate that you are standing by your commitment- even when you don't feel like it. To me, that sounds honorable and biblical. Good job!!

You said that your husband is doing his part in the marriage- or at least he was before he left. At least that's what I think you said. I agree that this deployment time will be very very rough on both of you. But if you both love each other and want it to work and give it a chance, it can. You are telling us that you love him, but don't feel "in love". I'd suggest those marriage sites and books that encourage the feelings. For example:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

There's also the books "fall in love, stay in love", "strike the original match", "five love languages". They all deal with remembering and behaving as you did when you met, meeting the needs of your spouse, and even re-falling in love.

Don't give up. Don't quit trying. Even if you are the only one. You can fall in love with your husband.

Deployment and separation will make it harder. I'm sure you know that he will need extra support during the time while he is gone and even after. He may not respond to you at all or he may be hurried or he may even be mean to you while he is gone. Our soldiers deal with a lot. They are out putting their lives on the line and sometimes forget or ignore their home life. You may not get your needs met while he is gone or even for awhile after. I'm not excusing that, but it is very common. That is part of the military way that civilians don't quite get.

I also understand what you mean that you will enjoy the freedom of him being gone. It's not wrong to feel that. Please don't tell him!! But it's ok. Other military spouses can relate to that too. You are in a more difficult position than if he were home with you. Divorce is very common in the military, but with patience and perseverence you can make it through this deployment AND fall in love again. Take this opportunity to show your husband your faithfulness and to show him that you love him. Write him letters everyday about nothing or about what you would do if he were with you. Send him articles about his favorite subject, etc. Act like you did as his girlfriend. Remember that? Show him what it looks like when you are "in love" with him. Act like it even when you don't feel like it. Those feelings will come- with God's help.

 

[chriso]

Still praying for you. I hope today is better. Don't loose your faith. God is there with you, you are not alone.

 

[molly]

My dear Emerald, I have been where you are and I can realate to what your going through, I cannot tell you what to do, I can only tell you I stayed in a cheating, destructive relationship for over 20 years, I thought God would want me to stay and he would heal the marriage,however as the years dragged on I lost all my self respect, and the damage that was done to my kids has yet to be undone,were that possible. It is hard to know what to do, but finally I left, and God put a wonderful guy in my life; He puts up with my baggage from the previous marriage and thats not an easy task. We have been married 11 years. My kids are grown now but they still carry scars, and I have one son, who is not saved who really holds it all against me still and he's 34 years old! Is your husband saved? If he is then he has broken Gods law, and is accountable to God, You just need to pray for guidance and do what the Lord says, sometimes it is not that you should stay,even though it may be the word of some christians;Don't get me wrong I'm not saying their wrong either, I just think God works on an individual ,personal level,and we need to listen to him. I wish now that I had left after the First affair, or the 2nd or the ..... I could have spared myself and my children much pain. I will pray for you, I know you and God will decide whats best for your situation. Love in Christ. Molly

 

[molly]

Emerald, I forgot to mention that I too lived in Germany, my husband was in the army there,we lived in Germany for 6 years so I know what you mean by having limited spiritual help. Bless you.