mollyj your advice was excellent on re-falling in love.
and to piggytail, if you give him an ultimatum it would not be permission. it is simply a second chance.... or at least a "last" change even if not second. she still has interest in making it work so we should encourage her in ways to make it work not tell her she should give up! i dont know if i could do it, but ive never been in that situation.....
I have further recommendations after thinking about this more. If he has cheated three times and been able to cover it up, even have sex with you at the same time as the others it is obvious that "acting nice" or "doing his part" is in no way an indication that he is doing what is right. From experience, we know that he can act nice and do wrong.
first thing, COUNSELING.
Secondly, what i said earlier, DOES HE INDICATE HE WANTS TO CHANGE? if so, this is what I would do. you should know where he is at all times, no time going out by himself, no working late without you calling the physical work place and checking at random times and intervals. cell phones will no work they could be answered anywhere/anytime. i think
ACCOUNTABILITY is what your husband requires if he wants this marriage to work. if he loves you, he will understand, and he will
want accountability because he would know that he has the possibility of falling into "wrong"/sin again if you are not helping him. if he wants that possibility of falling again, he will rebel. He will say to you "i need my space" or "i feel like you don't trust me." It isn't about that anymore. He no longer deserves space (what would he need it for anyway other than to cheat? he can spend time at home in your bedroom or living room by himself, and call that space) and he no longer deserves trust.
If someone had a problem with pornography and wanted to stop, what would it require? someone having "contol" over the porn-addicts computer access or however pornography was accessed. you need to have "control" over his access to women.... his "personal" time...
It would do no good to only fall in love with him again and trust him if he cannot control his addiction to having another woman. And a lot of the time it is an addiction, an emotional high. There are many reasons for this. The addict will make any excuse or reason to keep his space from accountability.
I know right now he is gone, but it is something to think about.
