Help needed in relationship--SO helpless!

[4HisGlory]

Hello! I am new here and ran across the advice threads & thought maybe someone could help me in my predicament. I am in a relationship of 5 months with a wonderful man. Just a couple of weeks ago, he let it slip that he was going shopping for "rings", after he told me he loved me for the first time. I was on cloud 9, because I really feel this is the man God has chosen for me. To make a long story short, he all of a sudden stopped calling me every day & it dwindled down to once or twice in the past week. I asked him if he was trying to give a hint & he said that he is just on such a spiritual high right now with the Lord that he doesn't want to even think about anything else. He said he doesn't know how to have an "on fire" relationship with the Lord & an on-fire relationship with me, too since all he wants to do is read his bible/pray/spend time alone with the Lord. I told him that it's great to have an individual relationship with God, but as a couple, WE should have a relationship with God and edify each other in Christ! He didn't even sound interested in sharing a relationship with God. If I didnt' know him well enough, I would say this is a cop-out & he's just trying to dump me, after all, who can argue with God? BUT, he is brutally & painfully honest, so I know that he is not lying. He honestly doesn't see how he can serve God effectively while in a relationship. I am not going to beg someone to be with me, but does anyone have any ideas as to what I should do? What he should do? As it is now, I have told him that I will give him some time & he can call me when he is ready, and I have been praying. Has anyone else heard of this or been through the feelings he's having? This is a new one for me & I'm totally stumped!!
Thanks ahead of time for any insight/wisdom you can share!

Michelle

 

[HumbleBee]

Sweet Shalom of God to you Michelle,

First off, five months is not a lot of time to have built a solid foundation for a lifelong marriage. This dude sounds very confused...wanting to marry you one moment and then avoiding you the next. God is not the author of confusion, but is One of peace and good order. Maybe your bf recognizes that he spoke to soon, doesn't know how to backtrack, so is using his relationship with God as his reason not to see you. Someone on a spiritual high should be especially eager to share their experience with the one they love! And or maybe he does want to marry you, yet is afraid of true intimacy on many realms...he loves you so muchhhhhhhhhh that he running the other way!

 

[4HisGlory]

Thank you so much, humblebee! I guess I should mention that he is 32, never married or even in a committed relationship. I believe he definitely has commitment issues! That should've tipped me off from the start, huh?
Thanks again for your input...God bless you!

 

[bliz]

You wrote: "He honestly doesn't see how he can serve God effectively while in a relationship."

If this is how it is for him, then he has no business getting married. Indeed, he had no business chatting about rings, etc., either, but he should not be married.

I suspect that rather than being compleatly unable to do this, he is not sure how it will be done and how to make it all work. And the answer is: different for every couple.

I know many Christian couples, for example, who pray together on a daily basis. I know many dedicated wonderful Christians who have said "We do not pray together as a couple." Neither is right or wrong.

You seem to have some pretty firm ideas of what life together should be like for the two of you as a couple. Perhaps your ideas do not mesh with his experience or expectations. Are your ideas Biblically based or based on something else? Consider the number of married couples in the Bible whose spouses are never, or hardly ever mentioned. Peter was married, but Mrs. Peter is not mentioned at all. Hannah and Moses's mother get lots of mention as they undertook some major courses of action, but we only get the name of Hannah's husband. I'm sure both men were involved, but neither seemed to have been a major player along with their wives. On the other hand, Priscilla and Aquilla are always mentioned together and clearly ministered together. My point being that there is no one formula for what a marriage in Christ will look like.

I believe that each one of us, as a Christian, has our own unique relationship with God. A spouse does not enter into that. For example, I am alwasy uneasy with couples who insist that they be able to sit together at a church service or take communion side-by-side. Each of us, married or single, stand alone before God.

Which is not to say that I do not care about my husband's relationship with God, of he about mine. We both care a great deal and talk together about what God is teaching us, etc. But as much as God has ordained marriage, my spiritual growth, or lack thereof, is mine and mine alone. My becoming a more mature Christian can be a help to my husband, but it does not take the place of his own growth in Christ.

May I suggest that the two of you go in search of a married couple and ask them to mentor and/or counsel you - individually and as a couple? Both of you might benefit greatly from talking to another man and woman about how to juggle both loves in your lives.

 

[desi]

People tend to move toward those who they like until the people they like move toward them, at which point they often move back. The key is to move in the right direction to get what you want instead of moving the direction you feel like moving in. If he is moving away you may want to move away, at which point he should move toward you.

 

[4HisGlory]

Bliz--I never really thought about those points you mentioned. My role models for marriage have been Christians who always turned to God--together--in all things. Of course one must have their individual relationship with God, that is of utmost importance. By saying I believe you should share God together, I mean by praying together, doing bible study together, etc., to strengthen your relationship while helping to bring one another closer to Christ. I believe a family should pray together. There is no stronger bond for any relationship than Christ! He is the glue that holds us together. We actually did discuss this a while back & were in agreement on this, but look where we are now. I need to realize that just because a man is a faithful Christian, doesn't mean he is the only one out there & it doesn't mean that God necessarily has him in mind for me. I will wait upon the Lord to see what HE has in store! Thank you so much for your insight, though...you really made me think!

Desi--I know the type of person you're talking about! I have been known to be that way now & then myself. I've found, atleast with myself, that when I'm feeling that way..pushing someone back when they're trying to get close, it usually means that I don't truly have an interest in that person romantically. Ever wish you could be in love with someone because they're so great, but the feelings just weren't there? Kind of like that! I will wait for the Lord to direct both of us & whatever the outcome, I'll know that His will has been done!
Thanks for all responses =)

 

[Learnin'2-4Give]

Dear 4HisGlory,

Man, your situation is a LOT like mine! I've been seeing my ex-BF for 4 months. Everything was seemingly great. We go to different Christian churches (which is a whole other topic!!--lol), but, I had been going with him for the past 3 months. We had our own bible studies, started and ended our dates with prayer. He talked of our future--even named our future children and said he was "falling hard" for me. Then, he too started getting distant. He still called every night or we saw each other, but there was a definate change in our relationship. I'm 44, never married, no kids, and he's 43, never married and no kids. Talk about a committment problem! He has been engaged a few times, but it never worked out.

Anyway, last Sunday, on our way to church, he said, "I'm not ready to be in a relationship right now. I want to take a break." That's what he told me. He told his friends he has absolutely NO feelings for me. (I'm sorry, I don't believe that!)

So, I'm not much actual help to you, but I do understand. It is soooo frustrating. I really love this guy! But, wow! I can't make him feel things he doesn't (or won't let himself) feel. I desire so much more than that! I was going to just "wait it out", but, I'm too hurt for that and he has issues from his childhood that he refuses to acknowledge that are a problem. (His mother abandoned him, his father and siblings when he was 5 years old. He never saw her again till in his 20's. There relationship is not good, etc.)

Anyway, if you need an understanding shoulder to cry on or lean on, PM me. I'll pray for you!

--Learnin'

 

[TheMainException]

I know a wonderful couple that has learned how to love each other by loving God first. If you love God, you've just got to let the love pour out to others and then you end up loving your significant other, all by loving God. I think that this high will wear off, and when it does, he will be left hurting, so be ready to be there for him. Show him God's love, and while he is spending time with God, spend some time with God also. It will draw the perfect triangle together as you both learn about God seperately so that you are ready for a good relationship with God in the middle.