Prayer Request Help me help my marriage

[Kellye Davis]

Hello all. I'm obviously new to this and I'm hoping to get some insite from others. My and my husband been married for 3 years but have been together for almost 10 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 27. He had 3 kids before me and we just had our son coming up on 3 years ago. Everything has been good and we have our occasional disagreements but recently things have drastically changed. He have always been of Christian faith but now his answer to everything is that I need to study the Bible. I have no issue with that but I don'tunderstand how the Bible will explain the way he talks to me. I feel belittled and what I say means nothing. He constantly says I'm disrespectful but have done nothing to disrespect him. I ask how and I get no answer. He makes comments to me like "be a good wife and have my lunch ready" or he demands meto clean up. He is even trying to change the way I dress. Saying I'mshouldn't show my shape when I dress at all. I am very hot headed and those comments send methrough the roof. He recently got a raise and told me I don't have tounless it's what I really want. I know my husband so I got a job thatwould take a year for me to get into something I really want but when a few weeks later he's making me feelbad about my pay check. Most recently he just told me to chokeand die. I don't know what to do.Please help.

 

[Kindled]

I have no words of wisdom to offer you but I most definitely will be praying for you.

 

[ExodusMe]

Try cleaning up and dressing modestly out of reverence to God and see how it changes your husbands attitude. It could be a personal experiment. Your humility should make him ashamed & guilty if he has treated you poorly and he will apologize.

 

[woobadooba]

Hello all. I'm obviously new to this and I'm hoping to get some insite from others. My and my husband been married for 3 years but have been together for almost 10 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 27. He had 3 kids before me and we just had our son coming up on 3 years ago. Everything has been good and we have our occasional disagreements but recently things have drastically changed. He have always been of Christian faith but now his answer to everything is that I need to study the Bible. I have no issue with that but I don'tunderstand how the Bible will explain the way he talks to me. I feel belittled and what I say means nothing. He constantly says I'm disrespectful but have done nothing to disrespect him. I ask how and I get no answer. He makes comments to me like "be a good wife and have my lunch ready" or he demands meto clean up. He is even trying to change the way I dress. Saying I'mshouldn't show my shape when I dress at all. I am very hot headed and those comments send methrough the roof. He recently got a raise and told me I don't have tounless it's what I really want. I know my husband so I got a job thatwould take a year for me to get into something I really want but when a few weeks later he's making me feelbad about my pay check. Most recently he just told me to chokeand die. I don't know what to do.Please help.

Seek marriage counseling from a professional Christian counselor. If your husband cares about saving your marriage, he will agree.

 

[Jane_Doe]

Hello all. I'm obviously new to this and I'm hoping to get some insite from others. My and my husband been married for 3 years but have been together for almost 10 years. We met when I was 21 and he was 27. He had 3 kids before me and we just had our son coming up on 3 years ago. Everything has been good and we have our occasional disagreements but recently things have drastically changed. He have always been of Christian faith but now his answer to everything is that I need to study the Bible. I have no issue with that but I don'tunderstand how the Bible will explain the way he talks to me. I feel belittled and what I say means nothing. He constantly says I'm disrespectful but have done nothing to disrespect him. I ask how and I get no answer. He makes comments to me like "be a good wife and have my lunch ready" or he demands meto clean up. He is even trying to change the way I dress. Saying I'mshouldn't show my shape when I dress at all. I am very hot headed and those comments send methrough the roof. He recently got a raise and told me I don't have tounless it's what I really want. I know my husband so I got a job thatwould take a year for me to get into something I really want but when a few weeks later he's making me feelbad about my pay check. Most recently he just told me to chokeand die. I don't know what to do.Please help.

You two need to reestablish effective communication and respect. A good marriage counselor can really help with that.

 

[mkgal1]

I'd actually advise *against* marriage counseling. Since you've known him so long and he's not been like this all along, it seems that he knows his behavior is not acceptable. You should try to seek counseling [individually] from a domestic abuse counselor.....but, be advised, that you need to do so safely.......delete browser searches and phone numbers. Prayers for safety and guidance.

 

[woobadooba]

I'd actually advise *against* marriage counseling. Since you've known him so long and he's not been like this all along, it seems that he knows his behavior is not acceptable. You should try to seek counseling from a domestic abuse counselor.....but, be advised, that you need to do so safely.......delete browser searches and phone numbers. Prayers for safety and guidance.

How is that going to help her husband to change? A marriage counselor can work towards helping both people. It seems seeking advice from a domestic abuse counselor would be more appropriate if physical abuse is happening. No doubt her husband is controlling and disrespectful, but from what she shared, it doesn't sound like he is physically abusing her.

 

[Kellye Davis]

I've suggested counseling before and he said it doesn't work. He was previously married and I'm guessing he didn't feel he got the results he was looking for. Verbally he can cut deep. He says it's him just being real and I told him he can be honest and real without being harsh but he doesn't care to sensor or spare feelings. Nothing has gotten physical nor do I think it will. I just pray his new found values are negotiable

 

[Jane_Doe]

I've suggested counseling before and he said it doesn't work. He was previously married and I'm guessing he didn't feel he got the results he was looking for.

Counseling only takes you where you're want to go and put the work in for. If a person doesn't want to work or doesn't want to go somewhere else, then they will continue to stay on their butt.

Verbally he can cut deep. He says it's him just being real and I told him he can be honest and real without being harsh but he doesn't care to sensor or spare feelings. Nothing has gotten physical nor do I think it will. I just pray his new found values are negotiable

If he's saying "choke and die", is that what he wants for real?
If so, then he's abusive.
If not, then he's not keeping it "real"-- he doesn't really want that. Rather he's being verbally abusive.

 

[Kellye Davis]

In regards to comment #3. We have went to the store together to buy long skirts that I liked. But that's not something I'm wearing everyday. All I wear is pants and from time to time shorts because it's 110 degrees outside. I have kids with me at all time so I'm not wearing shorts that you can see my butt cheeks or anything. But I am a 30 year old female with an athletic build. It wasn't a problem until a few months ago.

Now about the "choke and die" comment. I dont understand. I definitely agree with him being verbally abusive. I don't even feel like I can be myself. Bottom line is that I hate the way he belittles me and always using the word "disrespect" when I've done nothing of the kind. I kind of feel like he's picking at me in hopes i get tired and leave. And I am at that point. I will attempt again but for the sack of my sanity and child I cannot live this like. I definitely don't want my son growing up feeling like talking to women the way his father talks to me is okay. I have a great family support system but I'm afraid. I don't want my marriage to be over. I love my husband. I just want us to get back to how it use to be.

 

[PloverWing]

Everything has been good and we have our occasional disagreements but recently things have drastically changed. He have always been of Christian faith but now his answer to everything is that I need to study the Bible.

It sounds like his approach to the marriage has changed recently. Did something change in his life -- did he change churches, or did he start listening to a new TV/radio preacher, or something like that?

 

[Jane_Doe]

Now about the "choke and die" comment. I dont understand. I definitely agree with him being verbally abusive. I don't even feel like I can be myself. Bottom line is that I hate the way he belittles me and always using the word "disrespect" when I've done nothing of the kind. I kind of feel like he's picking at me in hopes i get tired and leave. And I am at that point. I will attempt again but for the sack of my sanity and child I cannot live this like. I definitely don't want my son growing up feeling like talking to women the way his father talks to me is okay. I have a great family support system but I'm afraid. I don't want my marriage to be over. I love my husband. I just want us to get back to how it use to be.

If he was willing to work on things and go to counsuling, I would say that route.
If he thinks he's doing nothing wrong.... leaving and getting a legal separation could be a very good thing- you're completely right about your son. If he later is willing to put the work into reconciliation, that's great. If later he's still not wanting to change... divorce is always a tragedy, but sometimes it does happen. He is not treating you the way a Christian man should treat his wife.

 

[woobadooba]

I love my husband. I just want us to get back to how it use to be.

Has he met any new friends you are aware of? If so, it could be possible that he is being influenced by them to treat you in this way.

 

[Kellye Davis]

He has gotten back close with a cousin who doesn't have the best track record when it comes to treating women right. This is where I think it's coming from. However, he's a very smart man and clearly sees truth to what is being told to him (if that is the case). I am going to continue to pray and get closer to God in hopes to find the answer

 

[Kellye Davis]

In regards to it treating me how a Christian man should treat his wife. When he reverts me to the Bible I send him scriptural quotes on how a husband should treat his wife and his response is. You don't tell me, I tell you. What am I to do with that. He said I have incinerated his patience for me

 

[woobadooba]

He has gotten back close with a cousin who doesn't have the best track record when it comes to treating women right. This is where I think it's coming from. However, he's a very smart man and clearly sees truth to what is being told to him (if that is the case). I am going to continue to pray and get closer to God in hopes to find the answer

I believe this is where it's coming from.

 

[woobadooba]

In regards to it treating me how a Christian man should treat his wife. When he reverts me to the Bible I send him scriptural quotes on how a husband should treat his wife and his response is. You don't tell me, I tell you. What am I to do with that. He said I have incinerated his patience for me

You're going to have to set boundaries. He needs to know that his abusive behavior is not going to be tolerated. I recommend this book: Boundaries in Marriage by Henry Cloud and John Townsend.

If possible, it may also be helpful to tell his parents how he has been treating you. Perhaps they could have a talk with him.

 

[Kellye Davis]

His mother lives with us and he talks to her in a way I don't agree with. And thank God for her. She is who I turn to to vent being that she knows exactly how I feel. I will look into that book. Thank you

 

[Jane_Doe]

In regards to it treating me how a Christian man should treat his wife. When he reverts me to the Bible I send him scriptural quotes on how a husband should treat his wife and his response is. You don't tell me, I tell you. What am I to do with that. He said I have incinerated his patience for me

If he refuses to talk to you and punts you away with "Go read the Bible and blindly agree with me", that's not good. And that's not a proper use of the Bible- couples should read and celebrate the words of God together. Not use the Bible as a shield to justify abuse and a lack of communication.

 

[ExodusMe]

Suggest talking to your pastor about what scripture says.