Sudden Trust Issues and Most likely my own insecurities

[Iamthankful]

I need prayer because for the last few months I've been having trust issues in the relationship. I know my wife loves me and we spend most of our time together outside of work. However, an incident happened that should be a small thing and I've let it grow into something that it shouldn't be and it's blossoming mistrust in me. I've been praying and in the last few months have been getting closer and closer to God. He has taken so many of bad ways away from me but this one of mistrust continues to linger and it hurts.

I'll say the incident: ( I know this is long and I hope someone here has the time to read most of it and give me advice )

Earlier this year my wife got a new job where she become close with many of her male co-workers. I've never had a problem with her telling me all the fun things they did on the job or talking to them and I still trusted her 100% in our relationship at this point. I have a second phone that I use for my side business and I let her use it often to use social media. I never thought anything about it and I've never opened any of her applications she installed on my work phone. But one day I saw one of her co workers and eventually he was an ex-co worker because she only was there 3 months, say to her how much he missed seeing her. This same type of message popped up quite a bit and I swiped it away ignoring it. But one day I message popped up that I couldn't swipe away it said, "Don't tell your husband but lets go to lunch together soon" she replied "at 12". Now, I wouldn't have cared if it wasn't for the "DONT TELL YOUR HUSBAND" part and she then told him what time she goes for lunch.

I asked her about it and told her that I saw that message and I was curious what it was about and why he said it that way. She assured me it was nothing and that she didn't remember telling him a lunch time. she said He was a bit flirtatious at work and she always told him she was married and nothing was ever going to happen because she loved me. But she said he was a good friend while she was there and she would have told me if she was planning to go to lunch with him if it did ever happen. She then became was rather upset with me and she said that I don't trust her anymore then went to her room. I told her I only brought it up because I was uncomfortable with what he said about "Not telling your husband" She then told me later she blocked him. I told her okay and that I apologize but it just made me uncomfortable with that wording.

I tried at that point to remove any apps that would be on my work phone that she was logged into so I wouldn't have to see notifications that are meant for her. I found out later that I didn't remove all the apps but she confirmed that she did block him from Facebook. Well I missed removing one app that I didn't see and I saw him reach out to her again on the notifications from the lock screen and she talked to him but it was short responses. I told myself I'm going to trust her so I deleted that app and I didn't bring the topic back up. But it kept bothering me. So I asked her if she blocked him like she had said. She said "oh yeah I blocked him and I chose you over him" Again, the word choice made me super uneasy. I messed up at this point by not confronting her about that I saw him reach back out before I deleted that last app. I kept it in and to myself for awhile but I let it grow mistrust in me.

I eventually let it build up and I prayed about it. I felt God pushing me to tell her because the mistrust building up in me was not healthy for our relationship. So a week ago I told her that I thought she lied to be about talking to him after she told me she blocked him. She said that I only asked if I blocked him from Facebook and she did block him from there. She then said if he did reach out to me I don't remember him doing saying a lot and I probably didn't respond much. She then said that if I had seen some of the messages before deleting the app then I would realize that she gave him short responses and wasn't engaging in much conversation. This did align with what I saw from the notification before deleting the last app. But the she assured me he was getting annoying with his messages to the point she made sure to block him on that app as well. However, this week I found this was a lie because their accounts are still following each other. So, my mistrust has spiked again because why would she say she blocked him and give me that story about how annoying he was but she hasn't really blocked him. It's not even about this guy. Honestly, I don't think she'd ever cheat on me but I don't understand the deception.

Things to know:
We spend most of our time together outside of work.
We are very close to family together.
We just moved into a new house together
We've discussed future kids together.
She still tells me she loves me and sometimes even gives me surprise gifts
She tells me her ideas about future plans holidays and birthdays.

From this perspective alone I should know that my mind is playing tricks on me and I should just move on from all of this.

First I know this is on me. I need to pray about my insecurities and trust issues. I just need some advice and I don't know what to do.


Thank you

 

[Unqualified]

I think you are ok, did everything right. Now just let it go and hopefully you will both return to wedded bliss. But she was tempted and that should not be. It’s a hazard of the work place and working relationships. Are you both going to church and reading your bibles? She needs strength. Pray for her. It’s a good time to get closer to Jesus. He will keep in line.

 

[Iamthankful]

I think you are ok, did everything right. Now just let it go and hopefully you will both return to wedded bliss. But she was tempted and that should not be. It’s a hazard of the work place and working relationships. Are you both going to church and reading your bibles? She needs strength. Pray for her. It’s a good time to get closer to Jesus. He will keep in line.

Hi, thank you for responding. Actually, I agree with you. I think I've finally got everything out in the open with my wife now and I know that God gave me the courage to finally talk to her about all of my feelings. I've been dealing with a ton of issues within myself the past few years especially this year losing my mom. And I wasn't really talking with my wife about it. I've actually decided to have a full sit down with her about all of my worries and God bless it brought much needed relief and cleared all the things up that I was worried about.

I do read by bible almost every day or at night before bed (but sometimes fall asleep to fast) and a couple marriage devotional books as well (These have been so helpful to me as a husband). I've been part of a daily bible study group every morning for months now and they recently asked me to lead the group for current book that we're reading. Honestly, sometimes I think I'm getting hit with spiritual warfare as I'm getting closer to God and I'm not always suiting up with the Lord the best that I can. I still have so much to learn. But I can say for certain, The devil has not won this day and will not win any day with God by our side. Again thank you so much for the response! God is good all the time.

 

[Unqualified]

Make sure you have got some romance going and have a date once in a while. Don’t show her any weakness, vulnerable ok. Remember according to the scriptures it’s the fool who expresses all his feelings and all of his anger.
No offense just saying. A woman needs to be secure with a strong man

 

[Endeavourer]

Iamthankful, I appreciate that you really REALLY don't want your suspicions to be true. I would wish really hard to avoid the issue as well because tackling it is tough.

Here's what I see: her responses are foggy, which indicates she is either one the road to an affair or in an active affair with this man. First, she pretends to have not understood to actually block him by leaving at least one avenue still open, while she was representing to you that she had blocked him. Secondly, the "I choose you" is out of left field indicating that a cross road actually exists that involves a choice. Never have I ever told my husband that 'i choose you" vs another man after we have been married because my lovebank towards other men is closed. The idea of a choice between a lovebank for you vs the other man would be ludicrous UNLESS she had actually started building a lovebank for him.

Affairs are addictions.... a slow slide into a sexual climax that after a certain momentum builds, cannot be stopped by the two people involved. I'm sorry to say that signs are all over your post that she is either on her way there or has already experienced this.

It's totally OK for you to check around to ascertain who this is with and what the truth of their relationship is. By the nature of your post, I can tell you are afraid to do this because you are trying to honor her privacy. However, you deserve the truth about your life and you deserve the opportunity to protect and save your marriage if you want to do that.

Her affair is not just her business, it will probably be the most profoundly painful experience you will have ever had up to this point in your life. Betrayed spouses who have also lost children have described the pain of being betrayed by their spouses as even more painful than the loss of their child. Either spouse has the right and the authority within the marriage to proactively understand if this is happening and confront it.

Privacy boundaries in marriage consist of things like being alone while using the toilet, not about keeping secrets about deepening a relationship/flirting with meeting members of the opposite sex, or meeting them for lunch.

It's important that you do NOT ask her anything more - the more you ask the better she will hide it. Just look around without her knowledge. If she is truly in the process of building an addiction, she will most likely not provide truthful answers anyway.

I hope and pray that your investigation proves all of your suspicions wrong. Please don't stop short of convincing evidence that she is not engaging in a relationship, because the evidence you have so far is that she is.

Prayers and hugs.... I'm so sorry you are in this position.
E.