Help. Im married and confused about a feeling

[HeartStrings]

This is my first post here. I was surfing the internet and found this site. Im completley lost and need to talk to someone, anyone. I am married to a wonderful christan man who loves me very much. I am a christian saved by grace 5 years ago. and here is my problem. I have someone in my life who is a male and has been a friend and only a friend since i was 15 years old.. well I dont know why but he has always had a place in my heart. I am always thinking of him. My heart beats when I think about him I dont know if its okay that i have this love for him.. its not a romantic love its just that he is somone i feel so deeply for. its really unexplainable. for 12 years he has always been on my heart. Ive constantly prayed for him and I dont know whats going on. Ive never dated him he is not my husband and I have a great husband no reason i would think about him. but I just cant get him out of my heart. no matter what I do Im thinking about this guy. I could be sitting watching t.v and think of him. I dont understand why hes always on my heart. am i sinning? he is not my husband so is this wrong because he is a male? I dont have sexual thoughts about him.. I just have this huge feeling in my heart when I think of him. I want to have him in my life i want to talk to him. okay Im about in tears now because im so confused.. why is that ever since ive known him has he had such a huge peice of my heart? Ive never dated him...im married to a wonderful man who treats me like a princess please anyone help!

 

[free4all]

HeartStrings,

Welcome to CF!

I'm not minimizing your pain here, but you are on dangerous ground to be constantly thinking of this other male friend. Frankly, I recommend that when you think of him, choose instead to think of your husband. When you want to pray for this other man, pray instead for your husband.

Thoughts like yours are how some affairs start. Guard your marriage by guarding what you choose to think about. satan already has a foothold in your marriage by you thinking about this other man so much. In my opinion, how you deal with your thought life relating to this other man will play a large part in determining the quality of your marriage.

Frankly, I would put this other man in God's hands, and I would cease praying for him. Your prayers are keeping your focus on him. Focus instead on your husband, and refuse to dwell on any other thoughts that come into your mind.

You have the ability to choose what you think about and focus on.

 

[HeartStrings]

Thank you! what a wonderful Idea...Today im going to try that all day! I will let you know how it goes!

 

[GoNoles]

have you talked with your husband about this?

 

[BrBob]

This is long for a post but I wanted it to be here so everyone can see it. I think it's important to note that it doesn't take sexual relations for a soul tie to be formed.

I was going to try to explain this myself but this does it very well.

This is quoted from: http://freeinchrist.truepath.com/manna/b1.htm

"SOUL TIES"

Soul ties are exactly what they sound like. They are ties from one person's soul to (or into) another person's soul.

As you are aware, man is made up of three parts: Body, Soul and Spirit -though to focus on any one without taking into account the other two is wrong because there is so much overlap between all three. (As an example, ever gotten sick, because you've strayed from the Lord? Ever strayed from the Lord, because you've gotten sick?) Anyway, you and I can relate at any of these three levels.

Let's go through an example of a man relating with a woman. For instance, I may meet a woman (let's name her Terrie), and she may work at the same place as I do. Well, as I casually walk pass her and say, "Hi," and as I work alongside her during the day, I am relating to her primarily on a "physical" level (Note: Don't think of sex anymore as just a "physical" act. . .I'll get to that in a minute.)

After a few months of working with Terrie, I really start liking her and wanting to get to know her better, so I ask her out on a date. We go out, I find out more about her . . . we go out again, we start sharing more and more about our hopes and dreams and our hurts and disappointments and now we are relating at the Soul level. (Note: The Soul is typically described as being made up of the mind, will and emotions.) We are actually developing a "soul tie", because we are relating at the Soul level.

Finally, (actually, I would hope this would happen first or second in a relationship), Terrie and I start to pray together and seek Jesus together. We are now relating on a spiritual level, because we are inviting the Lord to be a part of our relationship. Through prayer and through praise and worship at the same church, etc..., we are communicating spirit to spirit through the Lord.

All three of these types or levels of relationship can occur between between two friends, between co-workers and co-church members, between brother and sister, parent and child and husband and wife. The husband and wife relationship, however, is the relationship where all three of these types of "relating" is the most intimate and most intense. Genesis 2:24 says: "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they will become one flesh." Make no mistake about it, sexual union involves all three parts of your being - body, soul and spirit.

God designed it that way. . . it is not "just" a physical act - never has been, never will. . .The reason the Lord honors the marriage relationship so much is that it best reflects His love for us - and Christ's love for the church. See and Read (please) Ephesians 5:22-32. Paul is talking about how the marriage relationship explains the 'profound mystery' of Christ's relationship with the church.

Other biblical examples of "soul ties" include: Naomi and Ruth (Mother and Daughter-in-law) and Jonathan and David. See and read (please) Ruth Chapter 1 and I Samuel 18:1, and I Samuel Chapters 19 and 20. (Note: These are godly relationships and godly "soul ties" - not homosexual relationships as some "new age" interpreters would tell you.) In other words, you can have a godly soul tie and a godly relationship with another man, and you may want to even "hang around with him" because of the love God had placed in you for him; however, it becomes perverted when it becomes sexual. Actually, even if it does not become sexual, it could be unhealthy and sinful if it is meeting a need in either one that the Lord desires to meet himself.

OK, so there are soul ties. . . there are healthy ones and unhealthy ones. .. and there are soul ties that are created with and without a sexual union.

If it is sex in the confines of marriage (with your spouse, of course) it is a healthy soul tie that is being created and strengthened; however, any (and I do mean ANY) sexual union (physical, fantasy or otherwise) that is NOT with your spouse will ALWAYS create an unhealthy (wrong, sinful, unnatural, (not God's will) soul tie. These soul ties are intimate bonds to another human being that were never intended by the Lord.

In I Corinthians 6:12-20 (again, please read), Paul talks about sexual immorality and why it is a bad thing. One of his points is that if you have sex with a prostitute (male or female), you will become "one flesh" (Body, Soul and Spirit) with him or her. You will be joined body, soul and spirit and as a consequence, you have now formed an intimate bond or "soul tie" with that person. Remember, sex is an act of all three parts of your body.

Body, Soul and Spirit. . . all three are involved. That is why it is nonsense when the adulterous husband says, "It was just physical, honey, she (the other woman) doesn't mean anything to me." .Well, buster, you may have "sowed your seed" in other pastures to get your temporary physical "jollies," but the reality is, you have not only given to someone else (physically) what belongs to you wife, you have also formed a soul tie with that other woman - you became one flesh with her! Your wife is rightfully jealous (zealously protective of what is rightfully hers), because you are giving your body, soul and spirit to someone else! No wonder the wife says, "How could you?" over and over again.

Sadly, this scene is repeated way too often in our culture today. May the Lord help us. . . and may He help me and you, to keep us pure! Only by His grace will we avoid this terrible tragedy.

Finally, though this is such a tragedy, God (as always) has made a way for us to be cleansed from all of this unrighteousness and to start over. We need to, literally, break the unhealthy soul ties that we have made with other people. . . regardless of whether we have physically had sex with them or if we just imagined it in our mind or looked at pornography while masturbating. We need to proclaim (by the authority of Christ in us), with our mouths - out loud, that we renounce and break, once and for all, the soul tie with that person (playmate or otherwise) and ask Jesus' blood to cleanse us. This will break the soul tie and free you/me from the unhealthy bond with the other person. I John 1:9 - "If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify/cleanse us from all unrighteousness."

You may think this is just "spiritual hocus-pocus", but I assure you, it is not. I have heard and seen stories of men (and most recently, sadly enough) women who continue to be drawn to and have feelings for the other person -even though they and the other person are married to someone else! The unhealthy soul tie continues to attract them to other people.

I have also heard of a story or two of how a wife feels like "the other woman" is in bed with her and her husband, especially when they are having sex, even when they have forgiven each other. It's because that man still has a bond with the other woman, and when he has sex with his wife, she senses the other soul tie in her husband and (don't take this too far) is, in essence, becoming "one" with the other woman as well. The woman is sensing a very, very, very real bond, but it is a soulish and spiritual one. (This is another reason why "woman's intuition" is so strong when her husband has been cheating on her, even when not consummating the relationship sexually.)

Thankfully, however, once the soul tie is broken, these "feelings" and, a tendency to schizophrenic experiences go away.

 

[Canuk]

I'm with GoNoles (boy...that's a SHOCKER). Talk to your husband about this. Explain it exactly as you did to us...you have no romantic feelings for him, you don't fantasize about him, you think you have a fantastic husband and have no thoughts of anyone else in that role, but you think about your friend often. If the facts that you presented us with are the true facts, there shouldn't be an issue when you talk to your husband about it.

I believe 100% that harboring your feelings for this friend is much more dangerous than acknowledging them, and dealing with them.

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Very good advice here. I pray you find Gods best for your marriage.

 

[HeartStrings]

Well i told my husband and he didnt seem to really care or get it.. he joked and laughed when he said..ohh should i be jealous.. but then changed the subject.. so I dont know if he is putting up a defense mechanism or just doesnt care??

 

[bethrow]

Well i told my husband and he didnt seem to really care or get it.. he joked and laughed when he said..ohh should i be jealous.. but then changed the subject.. so I dont know if he is putting up a defense mechanism or just doesnt care??

He obviously trusts you. Doesn't sound like a jealous man which is good, but you probably need to bring it up again. If he changes the subject I'd switch it back because he may not want to hear what you have to tell him. I don't know, just a thought.
You really do need to be open and honest as much as possible.
Satan is putting thoughts of this man in your mind and on your heart. Not good.
You need to put thoughts of this man on the back burner. I know you have feelings for this guy, but it's just not good to be so wrapped up in him.
Obviously it is a problem otherwise you wouldn't be worried about it.
Pray that God will guide you away from what could possibly lead you away from your husband. Satan has a way of ruining marriages so please be careful!!!
Thinking and praying for you.

 

[Jameskind]

Talk to your husband about this. Communication and heart to heart issues are so important in a marriage. When you think of the other man, turn your thoughts toward your husband. If there are any triggers that cause you to think of this other man, remove them from your home. Spend time with your husband in prayer and reading God's word. God bless... James

 

[GoNoles]

"soul ties" aren't necessarily a bad thing, though... there are certainly ungodly soul ties, but this may not be the case, especially since there has been no physical interaction between you two.

I have female friends that I've had since high school. I talk with them weekly, I pray for them and I love them deeply. I'm not IN LOVE with them, but I'm definitely connected to them... they are a part of me and my life. My wife knows everything about them and our friendships, knows these women, likes them and approves of our friendships... so, I'm trying to figure-out what's different in your scenario... what's bothering you so much that you would post those questions here and go to the length of talking with your husband about it?

 

[IKTCA]

HeartStrings:
If you are honest to yourself, to your husband, and before the Lord, (and I believe you are) you will do well. If you sincerely ask the Lord to remove the feeling that you find undesirable, I believe he will take care of it for you.
Rupert

 

[HeartStrings]

GoNoles- your senario is basically a mirror image of mine. only instead of talking with this man I write to him and him to me. my husband knows all about it. I guess I just am unsure if its wrong to have such a friend of the opposite sex. I truly care about him. but dont want to leave my husband for him or have a romantic relationship at all. Its almost like a brotherly love just hes not my worldly brother. but that is how deeply I care for him! I hope that this explains it better

 

[GoNoles]

Obviously, there is ample potential for these relationships to go too far... now, I KNOW that my relationships with my female friends aren't going to go too far and I'm guessing you "know" that in the same way with this other guy. If nothing is hidden from your husband and nothing is secret, then it's probably nothing to worry about. If he is on your heart and mind as much as you say he is, then it could be the Holy Spirit trying to get you and your husband to pray for him. You probably already know what might be going-on in his life that he needs direction and guidance about, but - I have found that when my friends are constantly on my mind that it's God's doing. However, if the "burden" you feel is different from that, then you might honestly seek God's direction about whether He wants you to distance yourself from this relationship.

For me, there was one friendship that I thought was VERY strong and would last throughout my life, but I felt like God was telling me to distance myself from him. My wife felt it, too, but I didn't listen. A few months after I began to feel that leading from Christ (and ignored it, by the way), this "friend" began telling lies about me in my church and turned my pastor against me. I resigned my ministry postion (worship pastor) and he took-over the very next Sunday. However, a few weeks down the road he was caught in an affair that had been going-on for months... and this was one of my best friends! We talked every day, spent every weekend together (with another couple) and NONE of us had any idea this was going-on with him. You may feel like you "know" this guy, but I don't think any of us can ever be truly certain of the things going-on in another person's heart.

So, all that to say that you should be as attentive as you can be to the Holy Spirit's voice and follow what your "gut" (or the Spirit inside) is telling you. You obviously feel uneasy about this friendship and, though you can't quite put your finger on the "why" of it, you might want to think about things you can change to make sure that your heart and your marriage are totally protected.

 

[HeartStrings]

I am so glad I found this forum...You totally explain it so well..I just need to pray and think about the why..Im going to pray with my husband and see what happens!

 

[free4all]

Here's an article I ran across that might interest you. Not the same circumstances as you are in, but they could be in time. http://www.christianitytoday.com/mp/2005/003/10.56.html?gclid=CMHcxfXB_ooCFQlQWAodg2miJw

If you are willing to share all of the correspondence between you and your male friend with your husband, no exceptions, from now on, I don't see much danger in it. If you start making exceptions, or start confiding in your friend personal details, especially when you and your husband aren't getting along, I see danger written all over this other relationship. The growth in intimacy in another relationship can be so slow that you may not realize it until you are drawn in.

Be careful, and I recommend you share every detail with your husband, no exceptions. After all, which relationship do you value more, your friend or your husband?

 

[Brotherfromanothermother]

Wow.... Powerful message in that article.
I think we can all run into risks/temptations
in our marriages/relationships. Reading that
article lead me to read others on that site.
That magazine (Marriage Partnership) has
always been one I've actually enjoyed reading.
Though I'd forgotten about it truthfully through
my own marital problems.
I know this threads not about me.... but thank
you for the food for thought. (everyone)
I think it's important as Christians (whatever
the differences) to hold up, hold accountable
and bless one another with edifying information
that leads us again to the cross.

 

[OakeyAngel]

It is a very touchy subject. And I do agree with alot of the advice here. I have trust issues in my own marriage. But it seems like you are saying that you aren't interested in having a physical or romantic relationship with your friend. But you say you can't stop thinking of him.
Try giving all your worries to God. And pray for your friend. Pray and ask for comfort, that God is in control and will guide you in the right thing to do. And pray for strength in your marriage.
I have a best friend guy friend too, but now that i am married, I stay at a respectable distance. He will always be my friend, but my husband is my best friend now.

 

[OakeyAngel]

It is a very touchy subject. And I do agree with alot of the advice here. I have trust issues in my own marriage. But it seems like you are saying that you aren't interested in having a physical or romantic relationship with your friend. But you say you can't stop thinking of him.
Try giving all your worries to God. And pray for your friend. Pray and ask for comfort, that God is in control and will guide you in the right thing to do. And pray for strength in your marriage.
I have a best friend guy friend too, but now that i am married, I stay at a respectable distance. He will always be my friend, but my husband is my best friend now.

 

[HeartStrings]

I wanted to post an update and for the past week ive been so at peace with this.. I have thought about him but not the same way...GOD as completely taken control! PTL!!! I know Im not out of the woods yet but im begining to find the balance!