Help! I Am Not Attracted To And Do Not Really Love My Wife

[thesunisout]

help-the-lord, I understand where you're coming from- but to say, basically, that it's fine to do something because God will forgive one anyway is skating on thin ice a bit, isn't it?

Where do you draw the line?

I could say that I need some money desperately and I have the chance to steal from someone. I can justify it with how much I need it- and can say Jesus said 'forgive our sins as we forgive.....'
Well, why not? I won't feel good doing it- but what the heck... I'll be forgiven so it's fine.

I could name a whole range of things I can claim the 'I'll be forgiven' clause on.

I think as well that the whole 'adultery is a one off' thing is a bit tricky as well.

If I was to sleep with someone other than my husband whilst married to him, I'd be committing adultery, obviously. If I had an affair whilst married to my husband, I wouldn't be committing adultery just once, would I? It would be an ongoing state. I'd be committing it over and over.

If you believe that remarrying is committing adultery, it's because you believe that in the eyes of God you're still bound to that person.

In that case, every day you spend with a second spouse would be an ongoing state of adultery. It wouldn't be a one-off thing that's done and over with. You couldn't claim you'd repented of the adultery if you then stayed with the new spouse.

You either believe that remarriage isn't adultery- in which case there'd be nothing to repent of- or you believe it is- in which case it's by no means a case of committing adultery just once. Your entire marriage to that new spouse would be an act of adultery.

I think the whole 'do and repent later' thing is a bit simplistic.

It's never fine to do that, it is in fact the worst possible advice you could give another Christian.

 

[Terene]

God will never use any means that will cause you great physical or emotional harm for the sake of your betterment.

Brother, in saying this you have neglected one important aspect of how God teaches us and molds us into His likeness: through sufferings. Have you not read the Book of Job? Or surely you should know how our own Lord Jesus suffered in the flesh and in the Spirit because of what He had to bear for our sins? What about the Lord's apostles who were persecuted and beaten by the leaders in their time? How then, can you say that God does not allow us to suffer physically or emotionally to teach us and conform us to His likeness? He does, for our good, to remove our pride and our tendency to depend on our flesh rather than His guidance and counsel. You are not right in saying this, brother.

With that being said I know what being in this sort of relationship is like, and trust me its very emotionally hurtful; it makes you feel terrible every day. If you've never done it you cannot understand.. this is why I gave him the advise I did and you are chosing to give him other advise. God did not put him in this relationship if he did this man would be happy and filled with joy.. He placed himself in it thus it is not of God from the start. I am sorry you cannot see it this way but it doesn't make me wrong. Quoting Hebrews is well and good.. but sometimes quoting experience is just as powerful. The same Yashua that said "if thou put away your wife for a cause other than fornication commits adultery." Also said "forgive us of our debts as we have forgiven our debtors." Thus if it was not possible for God to forgive him there would be no reason to make this prayer.

Perhaps our brother indeed made a wrong choice to marry his current wife, but have you ever thought why God allowed his mistake? It is no doubt that when we make a mistake, we will suffer the consequences, and sometimes even suffer for a lifetime. But if we were to put our hope in God, we will be assured that even if we do make a mistake, God will work everything out for good and we will receive His blessings in the end if we yield in obedience to Him. It is not wise in any way to take things into our own hands and make decisions based on our own feelings, which can be very deceptive.

True love is about sacrifice, and I believe it will do well for this brother to neglect his own emotional needs for the well-being of his wife. I am not saying it is easy, but if his heart is willing to make such a huge sacrifice, he would be glorifying God in an unspeakable way. I long to see such a brother, who loves God to such an extent that he truly denies himself and only regards for the glory of his God, no matter how big the sacrifices he has to make. This is the exact charater of Christ our Lord, whom we all ought to learn from and follow after.

You are right that I cannot sympathize with the brother as to the emotional burdens he carry, but I do believe that there is a responsibility on him towards his current wife and God. While God blesses His children, He never teaches us to neglect our responsibilities and to think selfishly of our own emotional needs above that of others. It may seem right to you that God wants us to be happy so we can choose things that make us happy, but what about the other party who will be hurt by our pursuit of happiness? Does God teach us to pursue happiness at the expense of others' happiness? God forbid!

It doesn't matter if this brother made a right or wrong choice to marry his wife, but since he already did marry, is there not a responsibility on him to take care of and honor this marriage? If not, why would the Lord give us a command not to divorce our spouse other than for fornication? Everything that the Lord commands are for our good, issued out of His love and concern for all of us, should we not then obey Him for our own good and the good of our neighbors? We are commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves, not to love ourselves above our neighbors. Is it right, then, for us to ignore the well-being of other people, and to pursue such a happiness with the misguided thinking that God will allow us to do so because it makes us happy despite the other party suffering as a result? Do you think with such a selfish attitude in us, we would even be worthy of asking for forgiveness from our God?

The Lord allowed us to pray for forgiveness, because He knows our weaknesses and the difficulties in walking a holy life. We do stumble into sin occasionally, and thus we repent immediately and receive His forgiveness. But if we go on to sin wilfully, and purposely lay aside the Lord's commands so that our fleshly desires are gratified, do you think we will ever think of truly repenting? Every wilful sin we commit against God hardens our hearts against Him, and we sear our consciences by doing such wickedness. The more we sin wilfully, the more we harden our hearts and sear our consciences, until we no longer hear God in our life anymore. It is possible that we by wilful sinning grieve the Holy Spirit of God away and thus leave us void of the Spirit of God. And if we no longer have the Holy Spirit whom is sealed in us for redemption, do we still think we will be able to receive Salvation? Remember the stern warning of the apostle:

For if after they have escaped the pollutions of the world through the knowledge of the Lord and Saviour Jesus Christ, they are again entangled therein, and overcome, the latter end is worse with them than the beginning. For it had been better for them not to have known the way of righteousness, than, after they have known it, to turn from the holy commandment delivered unto them. But it is happened unto them according to the true proverb, The dog is turned to his own vomit again; and the sow that was washed to her wallowing in the mire.

(2 Peter 2:20-22)

Do you not realise, brother, that apostle Peter is talking about believers here, who wilfully sinned until the point they lost their salvation? These believers once separated themselves from the sinful world through knowing Jesus Christ, but they later turned back into their old sinful ways and are again overcome. How? Because they turned away from the commandments of the Lord and engaged in their own desires, despite knowing that their deeds are sin. They hardened their hearts and seared their consciences by continually and actively forsaking the Lord's commands, until they've stopped repenting and completely grieved the Holy Spirit of God away. What will be their end? Hebrews depicts it clearly, which I also quoted in my previous posts:

For if we sin wilfully after that we have received the knowledge of the truth, there remaineth no more sacrifice for sins, But a certain fearful looking for of judgment and fiery indignation, which shall devour the adversaries.

Knowing such consequences that could result from wilful sinning, how then can I say towards this brother that it is ok for him to commit adultery against his wife and himself despite knowing that it is a sin? How can I encourage a brother to wilfully and actively rebel against God's holy commandments which is for our good? Do you not realise that you are ruining a brother's soul by encouraging him to commit a wilful sin against God? Do you not know how wrong you are thinking that you are offering him comfort of heart but in fact your advice could make him guilty for life and even lose his Salvation? Repent of what you have just done, my brother, and let God reveal to you the state of your heart before Him! I urge you to do so in the love of Christ!

 

[help_the_lord]

Brother, in saying this you have neglected one important aspect of how God teaches us and molds us into His likeness: through sufferings. Have you not read the Book of Job? Or surely you should know how our own Lord Jesus suffered in the flesh and in the Spirit because of what He had to bear for our sins? What about the Lord's apostles who were persecuted and beaten by the leaders in their time? How then, can you say that God does not allow us to suffer physically or emotionally to teach us and conform us to His likeness? He does, for our good, to remove our pride and our tendency to depend on our flesh rather than His guidance and counsel. You are not right in saying this, brother.



Perhaps our brother indeed made a wrong choice to marry his current wife, but have you ever thought why God allowed his mistake? It is no doubt that when we make a mistake, we will suffer the consequences, and sometimes even suffer for a lifetime. But if we were to put our hope in God, we will be assured that even if we do make a mistake, God will work everything out for good and we will receive His blessings in the end if we yield in obedience to Him. It is not wise in any way to take things into our own hands and make decisions based on our own feelings, which can be very deceptive.

True love is about sacrifice, and I believe it will do well for this brother to neglect his own emotional needs for the well-being of his wife. I am not saying it is easy, but if his heart is willing to make such a huge sacrifice, he would be glorifying God in an unspeakable way. I long to see such a brother, who loves God to such an extent that he truly denies himself and only regards for the glory of his God, no matter how big the sacrifices he has to make. This is the exact charater of Christ our Lord, whom we all ought to learn from and follow after.

You are right that I cannot sympathize with the brother as to the emotional burdens he carry, but I do believe that there is a responsibility on him towards his current wife and God. While God blesses His children, He never teaches us to neglect our responsibilities and to think selfishly of our own emotional needs above that of others. It may seem right to you that God wants us to be happy so we can choose things that make us happy, but what about the other party who will be hurt by our pursuit of happiness? Does God teach us to pursue happiness at the expense of others' happiness? God forbid!

It doesn't matter if this brother made a right or wrong choice to marry his wife, but since he already did marry, is there not a responsibility on him to take care of and honor this marriage? If not, why would the Lord give us a command not to divorce our spouse other than for fornication? Everything that the Lord commands are for our good, issued out of His love and concern for all of us, should we not then obey Him for our own good and the good of our neighbors? We are commanded to love our neighbors as ourselves, not to love ourselves above our neighbors. Is it right, then, for us to ignore the well-being of other people, and to pursue such a happiness with the misguided thinking that God will allow us to do so because it makes us happy despite the other party suffering as a result? Do you think with such a selfish attitude in us, we would even be worthy of asking for forgiveness from our God?

The Lord allowed us to pray for forgiveness, because He knows our weaknesses and the difficulties in walking a holy life. We do stumble into sin occasionally, and thus we repent immediately and receive His forgiveness. But if we go on to sin wilfully, and purposely lay aside the Lord's commands so that our fleshly desires are gratified, do you think we will ever think of truly repenting? Every wilful sin we commit against God hardens our hearts against Him, and we sear our consciences by doing such wickedness. The more we sin wilfully, the more we harden our hearts and sear our consciences, until we no longer hear God in our life anymore. It is possible that we by wilful sinning grieve the Holy Spirit of God away and thus leave us void of the Spirit of God. And if we no longer have the Holy Spirit whom is sealed in us for redemption, do we still think we will be able to receive Salvation? Remember the stern warning of the apostle:

(2 Peter 2:20-22)

Do you not realise, brother, that apostle Peter is talking about believers here, who wilfully sinned until the point they lost their salvation? These believers once separated themselves from the sinful world through knowing Jesus Christ, but they later turned back into their old sinful ways and are again overcome. How? Because they turned away from the commandments of the Lord and engaged in their own desires, despite knowing that their deeds are sin. They hardened their hearts and seared their consciences by continually and actively forsaking the Lord's commands, until they've stopped repenting and completely grieved the Holy Spirit of God away. What will be their end? Hebrews depicts it clearly, which I also quoted in my previous posts:



Knowing such consequences that could result from wilful sinning, how then can I say towards this brother that it is ok for him to commit adultery against his wife and himself despite knowing that it is a sin? How can I encourage a brother to wilfully and actively rebel against God's holy commandments which is for our good? Do you not realise that you are ruining a brother's soul by encouraging him to commit a wilful sin against God? Do you not know how wrong you are thinking that you are offering him comfort of heart but in fact your advice could make him guilty for life and even lose his Salvation? Repent of what you have just done, my brother, and let God reveal to you the state of your heart before Him! I urge you to do so in the love of Christ!

After considering it all, I still think they shouldn't be married.. I do however completely retract my statement about getting remarried

 

[bananaboat64]

i have been married 25 years- my husband and i have had our ups and downs,( as all couplesdo) we have not felt loving,or been attracted to each other, there have been times were we wondered what the h*** we were doing together, but each time, we recognized our commitment to each other, and the Lord healed our relationship, and enabled us to love. I urge you to think on your wife's good qualities, and not your unhappiness, and to commit your will to the Lord, and you might just be surprised at what He can do.

 

[Terene]

After considering it all, I still think they shouldn't be married.. I do however completely retract my statement about getting remarried

It is not our judgment to decide if the brother should be married to his wife or not, God has ordained it to be so, and I believe that God meant it for his good. We should bless them and pray for them, not help them in making decisions that transgress the Lord's commands. I urge you again to repent for the advice you have given, and let the Lord make your heart right before Him.

May the Lord bless you and bring you to penitence.

 

[danipa68]

God does not make mistakes. There is a reason why you are with your wife. You may not "feel" it for her but there is a reason why you are together in marriage. Selfishness is not an excuse for divorce (I speak from experience). If you feel God led you to marry her, then He did it for a reason. You can choose to be happy with whomever you are with, it all comes down to choices. You can choose to find the positives in your wife and fall in love with her or you can choose not to. Pray and try to learn to love her the way God wants you to. The grass is never greener no matter how green it looks.

 

[Luis67]

help-the-lord, I understand where you're coming from- but to say, basically, that it's fine to do something because God will forgive one anyway is skating on thin ice a bit, isn't it?

Where do you draw the line?

I could say that I need some money desperately and I have the chance to steal from someone. I can justify it with how much I need it- and can say Jesus said 'forgive our sins as we forgive.....'
Well, why not? I won't feel good doing it- but what the heck... I'll be forgiven so it's fine.

I could name a whole range of things I can claim the 'I'll be forgiven' clause on.

I think as well that the whole 'adultery is a one off' thing is a bit tricky as well.

If I was to sleep with someone other than my husband whilst married to him, I'd be committing adultery, obviously. If I had an affair whilst married to my husband, I wouldn't be committing adultery just once, would I? It would be an ongoing state. I'd be committing it over and over.

If you believe that remarrying is committing adultery, it's because you believe that in the eyes of God you're still bound to that person.

In that case, every day you spend with a second spouse would be an ongoing state of adultery. It wouldn't be a one-off thing that's done and over with. You couldn't claim you'd repented of the adultery if you then stayed with the new spouse.


You either believe that remarriage isn't adultery- in which case there'd be nothing to repent of- or you believe it is- in which case it's by no means a case of committing adultery just once. Your entire marriage to that new spouse would be an act of adultery.

I think the whole 'do and repent later' thing is a bit simplistic.

As much as there some truth to that, there is also error. Though I would never commend it, but you have definitely made it seem as an unforgivable sin in that case. Which it's not. That still would be an act of adultery which would still be forgivable. The only sin that is not forgivable is the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. As much as it is painful to know and hear of the possible abuse of God's grace, that response falls short and is on a work basis not grace.

I would never commend adultery or using the grace of God for sin, only growth, but I also will not limit the grace of God on such premises. We all have spoken to him and all we have left is prayer. Let us pray, that God shows him mercy and renews his heart.

I do not mean to intrude on your advice, which we all lean to continuation, counseling, prayer and faithfulness. But we also have to remain true to the mercy of God as well as judgment of such matters. It is easy for us to speak seeing we are not in his shoes, but if we were, our bodies and will are capable of justifying all sorts of excuses, reasons and illusions to receive it's desired result.

 

[Life2Christ]

How are you doing today, OP?

 

[wonder111]

well it's interesting that arranged marriages are statistically the most successful and happy. I think it's because they feel they have to make it work and go in with that attitude instead of lets see how it goes. it also says in the bible husbands love your wives. It's written in there because it's probably not natural for people to do at all times.

 

[Sketcher]

Being as God sees your heart, and that this is the wife of your youth, there's only one thing for you to do: Confess this to him, and pray that he would change your heart towards your wife. Pray that he would help you fall in love with her, and be attracted to her. That is what husbands are called by God to do, so definitely invoke God's help in getting you there.

 

[Angelfrog]

As much as there some truth to that, there is also error. Though I would never commend it, but you have definitely made it seem as an unforgivable sin in that case. Which it's not. That still would be an act of adultery which would still be forgivable. The only sin that is not forgivable is the blasphemy against the Holy Spirit. As much as it is painful to know and hear of the possible abuse of God's grace, that response falls short and is on a work basis not grace.

I would never commend adultery or using the grace of God for sin, only growth, but I also will not limit the grace of God on such premises. We all have spoken to him and all we have left is prayer. Let us pray, that God shows him mercy and renews his heart.

I do not mean to intrude on your advice, which we all lean to continuation, counseling, prayer and faithfulness. But we also have to remain true to the mercy of God as well as judgment of such matters. It is easy for us to speak seeing we are not in his shoes, but if we were, our bodies and will are capable of justifying all sorts of excuses, reasons and illusions to receive it's desired result.

I never for one moment indicated that adultery- or any sin is an unforgivable sin (we all know the only unforgivable sin is the one of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit).
To be honest, I'm not sure how you got that from what I said.

I wasn't giving any main 'advice' either.

What I was picking up was a comment about the difference between a 'one off' sin and an ongoing one.
A comment was made that if the OP was to divorce and remarry, he'd have committed adultery only once- whereas in staying with his wife he'd be living a lie to her every day.
There was a rather 'you can always repent later' attitude about it.

What I was saying was that IF one believes remarriage = adultery, it's not a one off.

I certainly did not- nor would ever imply that it's so much worse than anything else.

One of my best friends is married to her third husband (following 2 previous divorces) and has had her first child with the man she is now married to.
They're a lovely couple and, no matter what the stance on remarriage equating to adultery is, I would never dream of implying to her that she should leave the father of her toddler and return to husband no. 1.

I'm very good friends with them both and always will be- and they never have and never will hear a word of judgment coming from me about their marriage.

My post was about an attitude (which the poster has since commented on very helpfully).


Heaven knows I've got blots on my copybook to mean I'm never going to be stupid enough to imply someone's sin is unforgivable!!!!!!!

 

[makeupgirl]

Hello,

I have a problem that I feel funny sharing but maybe someone can help or relate. I have been married to my wife for five years. I initially married her because I felt that God was compelling me to do so. I felt that I kept reading the scripture whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. I never have felt true love for her but have tried to be obedient to what I thought God was telling me. This is not about any other woman. My eyes are not roaming or anything like that. I have been a faithful husband. But I cannot live this way anymore, it feels like a big lie and facade.

Well, although my wife may be a good person I am not sure if she is for me. I am not attracted to her at all. I have tried to convince myself over the years that it does not matter. But it does. Sometimes I look at her and I am repulsed. I also do not really enjoy her company outside of talking about the scriptures. I feel like if God knows my heart does He not know that I am pretending for the sake of not getting a divorce?

This brings me to wonder if the concept of not getting a divorce relates to this day and age. I feel like I am in a prison. Does an all loving and merciful God not allow for mistakes. I made a mistake in marrying this person. I am sorry. But, I am condemned to pay for it forever?

How, do I live this way for the rest of my life. Also, my wife deserves someone who will genuinely love her and not just love her because the scriptures say to do so and the person is afraid of God's wrath. There is a difference.

Has anyone had these thoughts regarding divorce? I feel like I married for the wrong reason. I am very unhappy and no longer want to live this way. Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore.

Thanks in advance.

I've never been married before but I have been in a position like yours in a relationship. I'm going to be blunt also and say with love that if you weren't feeling this girl from the beginning, then it wasn't God that was telling you to marry her. God is the greatest matchmaker ever. Better than eharmony, match.com, Patti Stranger, etc. Why? Because he knew us from the very beginning and has already given us our spouse before the foundation of the earth. That's why it's important for us to always trust God in everything that he does, plus, why would God tell you to do something if it didn't feel right? I believe that when we come in contact with the person that God has ordained us to be with, there is going to be a powerful connection and it will be a Christ-centered connection because we're going to see his hand throughout the entire process from beginning to end.

I would suggest that you talk to the Lord (I'm sure you have already done that) but talk to him again, lay it all out as you have for us. Keep talking and have faith and believe that he will give you the answer according to his will and purpose. Sometimes things work out the way that they have because we have moved when God has told us not to. Yes, Divorce is something that is not good but in this situation, maybe you should talk to the Lord. Not man, because man's opinion is not God's and sometimes man can get you in trouble (no offense to anyone on this board) but anything that the Lord tells you is going to be in alignment with his word.

Good luck and I pray that everything will work out the way that God has meant it to work out.

 

[Luis67]

I never for one moment indicated that adultery- or any sin is an unforgivable sin (we all know the only unforgivable sin is the one of blasphemy against the Holy Spirit).
To be honest, I'm not sure how you got that from what I said.

I wasn't giving any main 'advice' either.

What I was picking up was a comment about the difference between a 'one off' sin and an ongoing one.
A comment was made that if the OP was to divorce and remarry, he'd have committed adultery only once- whereas in staying with his wife he'd be living a lie to her every day.
There was a rather 'you can always repent later' attitude about it.

What I was saying was that IF one believes remarriage = adultery, it's not a one off.

I certainly did not- nor would ever imply that it's so much worse than anything else.

One of my best friends is married to her third husband (following 2 previous divorces) and has had her first child with the man she is now married to.
They're a lovely couple and, no matter what the stance on remarriage equating to adultery is, I would never dream of implying to her that she should leave the father of her toddler and return to husband no. 1.

I'm very good friends with them both and always will be- and they never have and never will hear a word of judgment coming from me about their marriage.

My post was about an attitude (which the poster has since commented on very helpfully).


Heaven knows I've got blots on my copybook to mean I'm never going to be stupid enough to imply someone's sin is unforgivable!!!!!!!

Well now in that light, I see where you stand Sister and I ask for forgiveness, for my misunderstanding.

 

[Angelfrog]

Well now in that light, I see where you stand Sister and I ask for forgiveness, for my misunderstanding.

No probs, brother.

 

[ajunkyarddog]

I don't understand. If there is not another woman you are lusting after, or the IDEA of another woman, than what is the point of a divorce? Are you completely disgusted by this woman? Is she not a good person? Is she not helping you spiritually?
I really REALLY recommend you talk to your wife. If you feel this far from her I am sure she feels the same. Many people have been in the position you are and have overcome it. Their feelings change. The couple becomes a team again. You are joined in your faith.

 

[TammyRae]

Oh, goodie... another one. I'm going to be blunt, because I am in your poor wife's shoes.

My husband just laid that one on me after TWENTY years of marriage and he is acting like an angry little boy because I'm actually upset...he doesn't understand why I don't want to get a divorce and stay the bestest of friends instead. He said he's been lying to me about his feelings for our entire marriage (which he said he believed God told him to marry me, but then felt he misunderstood what God meant and it was a "mistake".)

And he poses as a born again Christian, but states that anyone pointing out scriptures is just being "legalistic". He insists that God is a loving father who wants him to be happy so will forgive him for destroying our family, badly hurting our children, and LYING during two bouts of marriage counseling and a single series of individual counseling for him I begged him to go to because he always acted depressed, isolated, and emotionally distant. He said he just couldn't ever "open up" with me about his feelings. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the marriage counselors. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the individual counselor he was seeing. And that is why he said he has never gone to any of our pastors for help on this, he couldn't "open up" with any of them.

This marriage was torture enough for me the last several years with his refusing to discuss our relationship problems or his depression issues, but I couldn't leave because we had children and he was still going to church.... I always thought that ONE DAY he would recognize the seriousness of his treating his vows before God and the scriptures regarding marriage with such contempt. Or that he would work on his problems at least for our childrens' sake. Nope, I find at Christmas that he arranged to move out, he asked for a divorce and finally tells me what little I thought we even had was a faked on his part because he was always scared to commit 100% to a marriage and family. Oh, and he mentioned that he always felt that someday if he was free he would find the same type of being in love and feeling butterflies again that he felt with his first girlfriend as a teenager.

I'm begging you for your poor wife's sake and your childrens' sake if you have any, GO TO YOUR PASTOR! Spill your guts to him and genuinely try to resolve this through honest, dedicated Christian marriage counseling. Marriage and family is a sacred, till-death-do-you-part covenant for a reason.... it is critical for the spiritual, emotional and phsyical well-being of the children, not to mention the institution that Jesus commanded us to form to represent his relationship to his Church. You are playing self-centered, aching-for-the-thrill-of-infatuation little boy games with her life, heart and her sanity. You vowed before God to love, honor and cherish her- if you refuse to try to grow out of your immaturity and selfishness long enough to try to do that, she at the very least DESERVES HONESTY and the opportunity to participate in the decision about how to handle your relationship as it stands.

(And yes, I recognize that I am still emotionally distraught over this whole situation... I am constantly alternating between praying for his genuine salvation and for God to have mercy on him, my children's well-being, and for God to help rid me of my hurt and bitterness while I try to rebuild my family, life and emotional health from the ground up again.)

Just thought you might gain some insight from the woman's perspective....

 

[iambren]

OP, I feel sorry for you for I have walked in your shoes. I'm sorry but I don't have any great wisdom or brilliant reflection to free you from your torment. You probably feel alone and perplexed for a biblical solution that would do right by all and be favored by God.

At age 16 a gal came to our church. I felt sorry for her, she was all alone, and her dad had basically dumped her out in our town and lived most of the time 1-2 hours a way with his new wife. Rescuer that I tend to be, I married her at age 20. Within a year I became where you are at. I did not nor could not love her. I wished I could, I counseled with my pastor but it didn't help. Mind boggling, heart wrenching, guilt inducing I felt it was all wrong. Part of it was her fits of rage where she broke dishes and tore up the apt every few weeks. That made me lose respect for her which made it even harder to love her. I have NEVER felt so alone in my life!

What happened? In the 2nd or 3rd year of marriage she had a brief affair which (believe it or not) hurt so bad, I then felt a love for her but the adultery changed everything and we divorced. Today we live in the same town, meet occasionally with a BIG hug, having sat down and forgiven each other for each of our parts in hurting each other.

The only thing you can do is surrender to the Lord, trust that he knows your heart/mind and will guide/comfort you. You may end up remarried, you may be blessed with a warmth and love you never knew you could have with your wife. I have thought of you several times on the way to work etc. You seem like a decent fellow to me (I believe you're NOT seeing another woman). I WILL pray for you, and wife too, that God will work it all for His glory!

 

[HISservant21]

Hello,

I have a problem that I feel funny sharing but maybe someone can help or relate. I have been married to my wife for five years. I initially married her because I felt that God was compelling me to do so. I felt that I kept reading the scripture whoever finds a wife finds a good thing. I never have felt true love for her but have tried to be obedient to what I thought God was telling me. This is not about any other woman. My eyes are not roaming or anything like that. I have been a faithful husband. But I cannot live this way anymore, it feels like a big lie and facade.

Well, although my wife may be a good person I am not sure if she is for me. I am not attracted to her at all. I have tried to convince myself over the years that it does not matter. But it does. Sometimes I look at her and I am repulsed. I also do not really enjoy her company outside of talking about the scriptures. I feel like if God knows my heart does He not know that I am pretending for the sake of not getting a divorce?

This brings me to wonder if the concept of not getting a divorce relates to this day and age. I feel like I am in a prison. Does an all loving and merciful God not allow for mistakes. I made a mistake in marrying this person. I am sorry. But, I am condemned to pay for it forever?

How, do I live this way for the rest of my life. Also, my wife deserves someone who will genuinely love her and not just love her because the scriptures say to do so and the person is afraid of God's wrath. There is a difference.

Has anyone had these thoughts regarding divorce? I feel like I married for the wrong reason. I am very unhappy and no longer want to live this way. Please do not tell me that God does not like divorce, I cannot hear that anymore.

Thanks in advance.

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brother,

by the mercy and grace of The LORD GOD, i beg you... put divorce far from your mind and implore the LORD GOD for HIS grace to obey HIS command to us husbands to do this...

"Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them." - Colossians 3:19

25"Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
26That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,
27That he might present it to himself a glorious church, not having spot, or wrinkle, or any such thing; but that it should be holy and without blemish.
28So ought men to love their wives as their own bodies. He that loveth his wife loveth himself.
29For no man ever yet hated his own flesh; but nourisheth and cherisheth it, even as the Lord the church:
30For we are members of his body, of his flesh, and of his bones.
31For this cause shall a man leave his father and mother, and shall be joined unto his wife, and they two shall be one flesh.
32This is a great mystery: but I speak concerning Christ and the church." - Ephesians 5:25-32

"Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency." - 1 Corinthians 7:3-5

"For we wrestle not against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this world, against spiritual wickedness in high places." - Ephesians 6:12

we are to love our wives unconditionally no matter what. If our Lord JESUS CHRIST could divorce us (HE doesn't because HE is GOD, good and Faithful & True, Amen)... then no one could/would see the kingdom of GOD.
"For I am the LORD, I change not; therefore ye sons of Jacob are not consumed." Malachi 3:6

Before the LORD saves us...
"All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way; and the LORD hath laid on him the iniquity of us all." - Isaiah 53:6

we go on, in ourselves not being perfect (though mercifully & compassionately corrected by GOD in the way we ought to walk with GOD in this present world, and improved until the day of the redemption of our bodies - May 21, 2011!, truly)... yet GOD is so patient and longsuffering and kind toward us. It is a lesson for us to be the same way with our wives, being thankful always for the gift GOD has given us. We may not always understand particular situations, but by GOD's grace, we remain obedient and keep trust HIM.

"For my thoughts are not your thoughts, neither are your ways my ways, saith the LORD. For as the heavens are higher than the earth, so are my ways higher than your ways, and my thoughts than your thoughts." - Isaiah 55:8-9

Ultimately, it isn't about us, but about The LORD our GOD, The Lord JESUS CHRIST, who gave all for us, that we may live unto HIM.

"If ye love me, keep my commandments." - John 14:15
"He that hath my commandments, and keepeth them, he it is that loveth me: and he that loveth me shall be loved of my Father, and I will love him, and will manifest myself to him." - John 14:21
"If ye keep my commandments, ye shall abide in my love; even as I have kept my Father's commandments, and abide in his love." - John 15:10

You know the commandments of GOD as HE has mercifully shown you, so, by HIS grace and in HIS strength alone, (Phil 4:13), through constant reading of HIS holy words and in prayer without ceasing (1 Thess 5:17), to and for HIS glory alone... keep them, because you love and fear HIM.

"The fear of the LORD is clean, enduring for ever: the judgments of the LORD are true and righteous altogether. More to be desired are they than gold, yea, than much fine gold: sweeter also than honey and the honeycomb. Moreover by them is thy servant warned: and in keeping of them there is great reward." - Psalm 19:9-11

again & finally, by GOD's grace and in HIS strength alone ("watch & pray)... lets not succumb to our own selfish desires, but rather obey GOD (avoiding, and i say carefully, a garden of eden type scenario of disobedience, which in the eyes of GOD is rebellion, which is the same as witchcraft and idolatry)

"For rebellion is as the sin of witchcraft, and stubbornness is as iniquity and idolatry. Because thou hast rejected the word of the LORD, he hath also rejected thee from being king." - 1 Samuel 15:23

May The LORD bless and guide and keep you and all reading. Amen.
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"Be careful for nothing; but in every thing by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known unto God. And the peace of God, which passeth all understanding, shall keep your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus." - Philippians 4:6-7

 

[HISservant21]

holy scriptures pertaining to marriage relationships... "The LORD be magnified"!!! (pss 40:16)

Proverbs 18:22
"Whoso findeth a wife findeth a good thing, and obtaineth favour of the LORD."

Ephesians 5:24-26
"Therefore as the church is subject unto Christ, so let the wives be to their own husbands in every thing. [bless and do not curse]Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it; That he might sanctify and cleanse it with the washing of water by the word,"

Colossians 3:18-20
"Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as it is fit in the Lord. [bless and do not curse]Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them. [bless and do not curse]Children, obey your parents in all things: for this is well pleasing unto the Lord. "

Matthew 19:6
"Wherefore they are no more twain, but one flesh. [bless and do not curse]What therefore God hath joined together, let not man put asunder. "

Malachi 2:16
"For the LORD, the God of Israel, saith that he hateth putting away: for one covereth violence with his garment, saith the LORD of hosts: therefore take heed to your spirit, that ye deal not treacherously. " [putting away is divorce, The LORD hates it]

"Marriage is honourable in all, and the bed undefiled: but whoremongers and adulterers God will judge." - Hebrews 13:4

"But whoso committeth adultery with a woman lacketh understanding: he that doeth it destroyeth his own soul. A wound and dishonour shall he get; and his reproach shall not be wiped away." - Proverbs 6: 32-33

"Flee fornication. Every sin that a man doeth is without the body; but he that committeth fornication sinneth against his own body." - 1 Corinthians 6:18[bless and do not curse]

1 Corinthians 7
"Now concerning the things whereof ye wrote unto me: It is good for a man not to touch a woman. [bless and do not curse]Nevertheless, to avoid fornication, let every man have his own wife, and let every woman have her own husband. [bless and do not curse]Let the husband render unto the wife due benevolence: and likewise also the wife unto the husband. [bless and do not curse]The wife hath not power of her own body, but the husband: and likewise also the husband hath not power of his own body, but the wife. [bless and do not curse]Defraud ye not one the other, except it be with consent for a time, that ye may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again, that Satan tempt you not for your incontinency.
But I speak this by permission, and not of commandment. [bless and do not curse]For I would that all men were even as I myself. [bless and do not curse]But every man hath his proper gift of God, one after this manner, and another after that. [bless and do not curse]I say therefore to the unmarried and widows, it is good for them if they abide even as I. [bless and do not curse]But if they cannot contain, let them marry: for it is better to marry than to burn. [bless and do not curse]And unto the married I command, yet not I, but the Lord, Let not the wife depart from her husband: But and if she depart, let her remain unmarried or be reconciled to her husband: and let not the husband put away his wife. But to the rest speak I, not the Lord: If any brother hath a wife that believeth not, and she be pleased to dwell with him, let him not put her away. [bless and do not curse]And the woman which hath an husband that believeth not, and if he be pleased to dwell with her, let her not leave him. [bless and do not curse]For the unbelieving husband is sanctified by the wife, and the unbelieving wife is sanctified by the husband: else were your children unclean; but now are they holy. [bless and do not curse]But if the unbelieving depart, let him depart. [bless and do not curse]A brother or a sister is not under bondage in such cases: but God hath called us to peace. [bless and do not curse]For what knowest thou, O wife, whether thou shalt save thy husband? or how knowest thou, O man, whether thou shalt save thy wife?"
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Proverbs 5:17-19
"Let them be only thine own, and not strangers' with thee. Let thy fountain be blessed: and rejoice with the wife of thy youth. Let her be as the loving hind and pleasant roe; let her bosoms satisfy thee at all times; and be thou ravished always with her love."

 

[seajoy]

Oh, goodie... another one. I'm going to be blunt, because I am in your poor wife's shoes.

My husband just laid that one on me after TWENTY years of marriage and he is acting like an angry little boy because I'm actually upset...he doesn't understand why I don't want to get a divorce and stay the bestest of friends instead. He said he's been lying to me about his feelings for our entire marriage (which he said he believed God told him to marry me, but then felt he misunderstood what God meant and it was a "mistake".)

And he poses as a born again Christian, but states that anyone pointing out scriptures is just being "legalistic". He insists that God is a loving father who wants him to be happy so will forgive him for destroying our family, badly hurting our children, and LYING during two bouts of marriage counseling and a single series of individual counseling for him I begged him to go to because he always acted depressed, isolated, and emotionally distant. He said he just couldn't ever "open up" with me about his feelings. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the marriage counselors. And he couldn't ever "open up" with the individual counselor he was seeing. And that is why he said he has never gone to any of our pastors for help on this, he couldn't "open up" with any of them.

This marriage was torture enough for me the last several years with his refusing to discuss our relationship problems or his depression issues, but I couldn't leave because we had children and he was still going to church.... I always thought that ONE DAY he would recognize the seriousness of his treating his vows before God and the scriptures regarding marriage with such contempt. Or that he would work on his problems at least for our childrens' sake. Nope, I find at Christmas that he arranged to move out, he asked for a divorce and finally tells me what little I thought we even had was a faked on his part because he was always scared to commit 100% to a marriage and family. Oh, and he mentioned that he always felt that someday if he was free he would find the same type of being in love and feeling butterflies again that he felt with his first girlfriend as a teenager.

I'm begging you for your poor wife's sake and your childrens' sake if you have any, GO TO YOUR PASTOR! Spill your guts to him and genuinely try to resolve this through honest, dedicated Christian marriage counseling. Marriage and family is a sacred, till-death-do-you-part covenant for a reason.... it is critical for the spiritual, emotional and phsyical well-being of the children, not to mention the institution that Jesus commanded us to form to represent his relationship to his Church. You are playing self-centered, aching-for-the-thrill-of-infatuation little boy games with her life, heart and her sanity. You vowed before God to love, honor and cherish her- if you refuse to try to grow out of your immaturity and selfishness long enough to try to do that, she at the very least DESERVES HONESTY and the opportunity to participate in the decision about how to handle your relationship as it stands.

(And yes, I recognize that I am still emotionally distraught over this whole situation... I am constantly alternating between praying for his genuine salvation and for God to have mercy on him, my children's well-being, and for God to help rid me of my hurt and bitterness while I try to rebuild my family, life and emotional health from the ground up again.)

Just thought you might gain some insight from the woman's perspective....

Reality, OP - I hope you read this.