Help Again...

[DawnTillery]

Thursday i found out my 14 yr old daughter is cutting on her arm
ok i took her to ER, took her to doctor, got her on anti depressants.
Today is Wednesday I checked her today and there are about 10 new cuts on her ankles.. some deep she is drawing blood, some had dried blood on it which tells me she did it today or last night.

Should I take her back to ER?
I didnt yell the first time, i calmly dealt with it, but I cant be calm anymore..
Im scared for her and I will not let her do this anymore.

 

[DawnTillery]

Hi, I am posting again, because some new developments came up.
I decided after i saw all the new cuts that I would take my daughter (14) back to ER.. (twice in 6 days now) They transferred her to Pine Rest a place for kids and its Christian Counseling. They didnt keep her but she has her first appointment tomorrow.
Im sorry to say this, but I dont think she cares? She acts like its funny, even cool? Is this addiction? Is it something she is doing cause others do that she knows? Im sorry but i dont understand everything.
I am scared to sleep, I havent slept in over 24 hrs now.. and Now i have to wait till tomorrow to take her.. I don't want her to do it again. I also know one counseling session isnt going to cure her --
She is mad at me right now because I told her untill we speak to the counselor, she isnt allowed to use the phone. She acts like she wants to throw something at me. She is very angry.. She acts like i should just let her do what she wants or she'll cut again...
You would of had to see her eyes..
Sometimes ive seen her so happy it scares me, like she is delerious.. She wont stop laughing, she has crazy eyes. Her sister could be getting upset or something and she just keeps laughing. Ive actaully had to scold her because of it, cause she acts crazy... (this was 6 mths ago)
I know she is laying a guilt trip on me when she acted like that today about the phone, im not giving in.. She isnt using the phone to call friends taht probably ag her on to cut.. Can anyone offer advice...
Even if you have to PM me, I need advice ASAP..
Im lost..

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I've never spoken with a parent before.
For the kids I know, if they've cut themselves I ask them if they need stitches and things like that, make sure they're ok. Or I'll ask them if they've been taking care of their cuts.
I don't know your daughter. Maybe some of the self-injurers her can let you know what they would like their mom to do if it were them.
A good site is www.selfinjury.com It's the people at SAFE. There are resources listed there as well.

You may not need to take her to the ER every time. Most cuts just need to be taken care of and they'll be just fine. You shouldn't have to worry about her killing herself. Self-injury and suicide are entirely different things.
It's something you can get hooked on for one reason or another. I know that doesn't seem to make any sense. It doesn't seem to be something that one can simply stop all at once.

Hopefully her counselor has good experience with self-injury. The counselor may be able to offer you some advice as well. I imagine it must be tricky to figure out how to be loving and accepting on the one hand, and trying to avoid enabling the behavior on the other.

As unusual as self-injury is, I would take it over a drug or alcohol problem.

Don't be afraid. She's going to be ok. It sounds like she's likely to continue the behaviro for a while, and she's still going to be ok. Try to get her to talk to you. Get her to talk while you listen. If she cuts, just make sure she's taking care of them.
This should get you by till you educate yourself as to how to best go about things.

I don't have any kids of my own. I try to imagine myself in this situation...I don't think I can.

 

[DawnTillery]

I spoke to my daughter again..
I told her i was goign to move her bed and some of her stuff downstairs. I dont want her isolated in a room by herself. She needs to stay with me or someone else. I told her if she feels she must cut that she needs to tell me and try to work through it first.
If at all possible I am going to try to keep an hawks eye view on her at all times.
I do understand that they are two different things, but what if she hits a vein and goes too deep? What if its too late?
I asked her why she didnt stop after the first time, 2nd time etc she didnt know. I said how do you know you'll quit this time, she said because she never had a reason to not cut.
The counseling she is getting is through a Christian counseling service, which i feel a little better about. I told her if she didnt like the person or they made her feel uneasy, we would try someone else.
I did tell my daughter i was not doing all this to punish her but to help her.
I told her we need to find a way to deal with your anger when u get mad.
or whatever u feel when u do cut.
She said she does not feel herself cutting herself, but after she does.
I do have some back up support - she can go to her grandmas that has nothing much to do all day and sit with her and she knows and will watch her.
That will also get her out of here and maybe to another enviroment thats safe but different.
She was very cooperative, she said she doesnt want to do it anymore, which I figure she probably doesn't, but does she have the will not to.. I figure with me as her shadow that might get her on her way, if she has no private time how can she?
Hopefully it dont make matters worse.

 

[IKTCA]

.

 

[BlackRain]

ok, i'm speaking from the other side of things. i laughed when my parents found out. i tried to blow it off like no big deal. it's a reaction to the situation. i never really thought cutting was a huge problem until someone pointed it out. i didn't get that it was very serious because it was my body and so on. my parents started to baby me, which totally made it worse. i hated it! i resented them for a few weeks because they wouldn't let me be. it actually made my want to cut more. all i wanted was for them to know and for me to settle it with the Lord. which, i ended up doing. i don't think i was as addicted as your daughter, though. she sounds like she needs counseling. i wouldn't keep taking her to the ER, though. i don't think thats nessessary. love on her and show her that you care...but don't track her down every minute. you've got to give her some space. 14 is an awkward age for any girl...no matter what. it's a weird transition time. oh and don't go telling all your friends. that's the worst thing!! keep it a private matter between CLOSE friends.

 

[DawnTillery]

Update:
Went to see the therapist today. He said no isolation, but trust her as much as possible.
She said she felt better after talking to him.
He said she wears many hats when it comes to her friends.
Too many different friends wants too many things from her.
My husband (her step dad) and I arent dealing with it very well.
He thinks i am being to easy on her. That I could of prevented it a long time ago but not letting her have a cell phone, not letting her do a lot of things. Its like he wants her locked up never to grow up. We will never work through this because if he doesnt get his way, he is nasty to me and ignores her. (what a mess) He just said when its all over it will be all my fault. He isnt helping me at all and I dont really need it because I just got over depression a couple years back.
Anyways Therapist made her an appt with the Child Psychologist - He thinks she may have ADD and she can not channel her thoughts out when they come in. She cant organize her thoughts and they over take her. She does have some pain, although I dont know what it is because thats private for now, im sure later he will try to get her to open up to me.. Aslong as she has someone to talk to, ill feel better.
Heathers dad is coming up tomorrow to see her for the weekend (WITHOUT his wife)..
She causes her a lot of grief also ...
Thank you for the advice about praising, I know I should count my blessing and not my sorrows. I am trying so hard.. I also know satan is rearing his ugly head..

 

[IKTCA]

.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

I hope more self-injurers reply here.
I've heard some call their razor blade their unconditional friend. This may have a bit of a relation to what you were saying.
By all means, don't let the step-dad come down on her.
The book Bodily Harm, by the ladies who started SAFE, is a good book to read. It's the same place as www.selfinjury.com

Don't be too hard on yourself as well. You're doing the best you can.

I know scores of self-injuers. Of the ones whose parents know about it, you're the first one I've seen come here and ask for help.
That means a lot.

 

[luv4godremains]

don't treat her differently than you would your other children because she SI's, just make sure she know's you are only doing this because you care, even though she'll not accept it, and be angry, she'll apresciate it deep down, even if she would never admit it!

 

[Loopi]

As im in the same position as your daughter, i cant say i fully relate to you. I can however say that in some ways i do know how you feel, having told my parents about self harm and seen their reaction, as well as having friends tell me.
Its not easy i know. My mum was the total opposite of you tho, i guess she just ignored it. I think in some ways i am grateful for that. Self harm doesnt change who i am. Im still a child of God, im still me. the only new thing is that i self harm.
The best thing i can say to you from your daughters view is dont force her to talk. Tell her that you are always there if she wants to talk, but dont force her into it. Its hard i know, you worry for your daughter, but self harm isnt attempted suicide. most cuts can be easily dealt with without the stress of taking her to ER when you know she's done it. Most cuts are able to be cleaned and managed at home.
Im glad your daughter is seeing a counsellor, its a step in the right direction.
Keep praying and praising, trust God, and trust her. God's hand is over her life, and in his hands she is safe.
God bless. Pm if you wanna chat.
sorry if this made no sense by the way, im very tired.

oh yea, a good forum and website for info about self harm is www.nshn.co.uk Its an official charity for supporting self harmers and their families and friends.

 

[oneandlonely]

Hey Dawn,

I think that you need to give your daughter a little space. My parents don't know that I am a cutter, but I know that if they where to find out, it would make me feel worse if they where watching me all of the time. That could make your daughter feel more uneasy, and possibly more tiggered. You need to trust her a little.

I don't think that it is nessasary to take your daughter to the ER unless they are severe cuts.

Don't force things, you can't force her to stop. If she doens't want to stop, she won't. She will find ways, she will continue to cut. You can encourage her to stop, but don't try to force things.

Make sure that she knows that you love her regardless of the self-injury. That is important. Let her know that you still see her as the same person.

I don't know how much of a help I am being, but I know that when I finally told someone that I was cutting, I gave them the link to this website. It has some great info and helps you to understand it more.

Anyways, I want to say I think that I think that it is awesome that you came here and asked for advice.

Bethany

 

[DawnTillery]

another update: My daughter was really not wanting me to bring her bed down, well I thought MAYBE she had something hid in it or maybe she tore it up with a blade, I didnt know.. So I checked, there was nothing wrong with her bed, but I did find some cutting items under her bed .. (I don tknow if i am allowed to list what it was but it was broken plexi type glass) I threw away those items and the item she broke to get it out of..
Im not sure if i should ask her about it.
I just have a real hard time believing she uses what she says she does..
The bed will probably come down tomorrow (since she is at her dads for the day and night) and then slowly ill clean her room and rid her room of as much stuff as I possibly can. Im telling her im doing that so when she is ready to return to her room it will be nice and clean and hopefully no objects that will bring back too many bad ideas..
Althouth, the more i read here that may not be possible for along time.

 

[katylees]

Hey, i don't know if i can fully see the way you do as im more in your daughters position. I;m 19 and i self harm, none of my family know, i dont want them to knowe and i dont ant to add more worry to their lives, they dont need it. If i did get into serious harm then i would tell someone probably, although it would be very hard. My 2 doctors know and a few close friends and my yoiuth leader. It took me ages to tell them but i finally did. Some understand, sone don't, but i know they are all their for me. I am few years older than ur daughter, but as me now (19) i would want my own space, even it means i carried on cutting, because i know that if i was watched all the time ...as soon as i got alone ..i would cut more because of the stress i was under when being watched. I can undertsnad u watching yor daughter though, it must be terribly hard for a parent. Another place to go and have a look is www.busmail.org/phpBB ...go to the family and friends section, they have some good information also. If you ever want to talk to me, then please feel free, i would like to help you and i would love tospeak with your daughter, is that possible? i will try and help her and you all i can.. Thank you for your time.

 

[spunkiegirl]

I agree with what oneandlonley said. If she's ready to stop, good for her. If not, you can't make her stop. I honestly don't know how good an idea it is to take away her tools - a lot of people need the SI until they find better ways of coping. Same with moving the bed, if you're watching her too closely and not giving her privacy it could make it a lot worse. Have you spoken to her about this, getting rid of the tools and how she feels about having her bed moved? I know you said she didn't want you to, but you should really talk more about it, and trust her more. Trips to the ER, unless she hits a vein or something (and I really don't think that's that common), or she's actively suicidal, are not necessary. If you haven't yet, you should look at sites for family and friends of SI-ers - just do a Google search for "family of self-harmers" and you should get some good ones. BUS is a good site, I would reccomend it.

 

[Mr.Cheese]

By the way, to the OP, have one of these...*hug*

 

[katylees]

Op??

 

[Renwolf]

Hello,

I just wanted to let you know that you and your daughter are in my thoughts. I know how difficult this kind of situation is. I'm 29 years old, and I've been self injuring off and on since I was about 10. My parents know about my self injury, although they didn't find out until I was in my mid 20s. My main reason for wanting to keep it a secret was so that they wouldn't worry about me, and for that reason, I still sometimes wish that they didn't know. Although, in looking back, I can see that they were already worried and knew that something wasn't quite right. Finding out about the self injury just gave them something specific on which to focus.

If possible, please reconsider cleaning up your daughters room. Control is a big issue for a lot of self injurers. It's kind of like an eating disorder that way. Or any other addictive behavior, for that matter. When everything in their life feels like it's out of control, cutting is the one thing that they can control. And yes, I'm speaking from experience, here. I understand why you want to clean your daughters room and get rid of the items which she may use to hurt herself, but in doing so, you might end up making her feel like she has even less control over her life than ever. Sadly, anything can be used to self injure and you'll never be able to get rid of all of the sharps, no matter how hard you try.

When I was in college, one of my roommates found out about my self injury and reported me to my dorm RA who reported me to someone else who searched my room and threatened to kick me out of the dorm unless I spoke to a psychologist. I understand why they reacted that way, but I ended up feeling even more isolated and out of control, which made my self injury much worse in the short term.

The concept of self injury can be very scary because it goes against basic human nature, which says that pain and injury should be avoided. However, for the self injurer, it's a basic coping mechanism that fills a void. Forcing a self injurer to give up a coping mechanism that works (albeint in a very maladaptive way) before helping her to find a viable alternative can often do more harm than good. Please keep in mind that while the concept of self injury is scary, the injuries themselves typically aren't severe and most don't even require stitches or a trip to the hospital. Most self injurers aren't suicidal. It's been described to me as such: People who are suicidal want to die, but people who self injure are trying to survive.

My advice, for what it's worth, is to let your daughter know that she can come to you any time with any problem. Help her to find alternatives (and I can point you towards some good resources, if you'd like), but other than that, trust her (and her therapist) to keep herself safe.

Best of luck to both of you.

Sincerely,

-Ren

 

[DawnTillery]

Thank you for all your input .. I know a lot of the things you have said are true.
I also know if she wants to cut, she will..
But I think through counseling and such she will learn new ways to cope with her pain. SHe is journaling everyday and carries her journals with her, of course so I cant read them. (which I told her i wouldnt, but of course she probably dont trust me not to)
I feel if left alone (like the counselor said) she will have the chance to cut more often, with me as her partner she doesnt have that option, yes she could go to the bathroom etc, but she hasnt..
She is NOT resentful over giving up her room for awhile... She actually welcomed it.
She knows she doesnt want to cut.
I asked her why she didnt want to bring her bed down, she mentioned about the slumber party she is going to have next month, I said well.. we will figure that out when that day comes..
She doesnt even really go up to her room and when she does she takes her sister with her, even just to get some clothes or something she has up there.
She has everything down here that she had in her room, stereo, tv, etc..

But I cant see all of what you say is true, I guess maybe because I am a parent.
And she is my little girl...
I cant agree with the fact that she really must cut...
Her therapist showed her ways to get through the feelings that she must cut. (I hope that dont offend anyone with what i said)
She knows I love her and I am not treating her any different (at first I was, but not anymore)
She also knows that if she does cut again, im not taking her back to ER and I am still going to love her...

 

[spunkiegirl]

Katy: OP = Original Poster