Hello

[irishman82]

Hello everyone,

I am happy to have found these boards, as I am hoping to get some answers from wise people... since that is what I need

I'll briefly describe my marriage history and then I will get to the root of my problem.

I met my wife through the internet about 5 years ago, we started as friends and about a year after we had met, we took it to another level and decided to meet. We liked each other very much and greatly fell in love, so we decided to get married. Eventually I moved from my native country to be with her (we currently live in the US) and this where we have lived for our entire marriage.

Though I was raised Catholic, I didn't get to practice my religion at all, I simply wasn't interested. I always believed in God, ever since I can't remember, however never as strong as I do now. My wife is also Catholic, tho she was raised presbyterian she decided to convert to catholicism in her early 20's.

Living in the US, I've gone through a lot of cultural changes and met many many different kinds of people. I met another Christian who liked to talk about Christ and his teachings about two years ago, I would always enjoy listening attentively to him, as well as very often show my interest by asking him questions. This man I speak of is a baptist. I would share my stories with my wife and she often didn't like the believes etc this man had, which disappointed me. Just so you get a picture, in my friendship with this man I would feel good, but I didn't like sharing the views with my wife since she'd always go on the defensive saying "He just wants to convert you etc" and she would get angry, saying "You need to talk to a priest". Though I liked listening to this man, he is not the one that gave me the push to Christianity I needed to get me in the position I now am.

It was just a couple of months ago... in another job another man, this one is a Lutheran, when he started offering advice to many different problems I expressed, like anxiety and being on anti-depressants etc... He said, "Just put your hands together, get on your knees and pray! You don't need any sort of medication for anxiety, let God fix your problems" those are the words that gave me the final push to a complete relationship with God. A relationship where I pray many many times during the day for everyone. I went from being a very angry, hateful person to a very forgiving, morally and caring for others person kind of being. I feel the love of God in my body, when I pray, I feel very pure and it's a great feeling.

I started reading the bible, and the way I interpret everything I read is that everything is the word of God, that one must live by what the bible says as best as he can, since to me that's what it means to be a Christian. My wife however doesn't see it that way, she believes that you cannot live literally by what it says, just use it as a guideline.

Then I ask myself, what kind of guideline, my wife is not the forgiving kind, she doesn't believe in creation... we spoke about me starting to believe more and more in creation and she got terribly angry with me, since according to her all facts point towards evolution. She dedicated all her life and career to anthropology and studies of the like which make her a strong believer in evolution. As I said she will get very angry and she said to me "For you to tell me that you believe in creation is like telling me that you are now Gay, I dedicated all my life to study this kind of things, what have you studied!? You know nothing!" She got very nasty and also cries when in an argument. "We are not raising our child to those kind of believes! etc etc etc"(we tend to argue often when it comes to theological questions, also about many other issues in life).

I feel very distant from my wife, when driving, she won't even let me listen to a Christian radio station which you might know? WVCY because she thinks they are to fundamentalist and only one sided. I told this to my current coworker, he is aware of my complete situation and answered "There's only one side to that story". He is sad that I am going through what I am going, but he says he doesn't know what to say, other than I should pray about it.

I am working 55 hour weeks to provide bread and make sure nothing is missing under the roof of my house, my wife does not work, she takes care of our child which I am great full of, it really is comforting for me to get home and see my family being taken care off, and that feeling in which they depend on me, which is what keeps me working and motivated and I thank God for helping me and taking care of me, so that I can take care of my family. The problem I see with this though, is that my wife now does not want to come with me to church on Sundays, she claims it's better to go on Saturdays for her and the baby, it works great for them. I've always gone on Sundays and feel frustrated since she doesn't have any social obligations and I do, she could blend in to my schedule, yet chooses not to... So what I thought was a family event like going to church, turns out not to be...since I find myself going to church every so often on a Sunday alone.

I don't wanna sound heartless, but I have thought many times of divorce... I've gone to the bible for advice on this and says it's a heartless action and it should only be done if your spouse was being unfaithful. I feel hopeless in my marriage, I understand and acknowledge I haven't been the prettiest rose in the garden during my marriage but I changed. We go to counseling and I find it a waste of time and money, because we're back at it again. I am also thinking of giving this up and use my relationship with God to fix my issues.

This is what I consider a brief story of my marriage, I am sorry for taking so much of your time with such long post, but I feel like I need help and answers, I also feel that in order for me to receive an answer I needed to lay all the cards on the table.

Thank you very much in advance.

 

[Pepperoni]

I am happy to have found these boards, as I am hoping to get some answers from wise people... since that is what I need

Logged in to say hi, and I'm happy you have found us.

I have some comments but I can't guarantee the level of "wiseness." And I admire your openness. I'm a bit too tired to respond now, but maybe tomorrow I'll try to string an intelligent sentence or two together.

In the meantime, welcome . . . and maybe one of my wiser co-horts will have some remarks.

 

[AbidingInHim]

hi Irishman,

I would like to welcome you and praise the Lord with you in your new relationship with our saviour.

Don't loose heart. This is a great place for fellowship and encouragement.

I will agree that divorce doesn't sound like a choice. But there are great resources to work on this.

One of the most important thing I can tell you I have to keep remembering is that you don't have the ability to change her, only the way you respond to her.

I would recommend educating yourself on creation science. AnswersInGenensis.com is a great place to start so you have explanations for her when she starts the millions of years objections.

Remember as a husband you are called to lead the family, in all things expecially worship, if she won't follow or submit, I would definately insist on taking your child with you to church. Duet 11:19

You are also called to love your wife like Jesus loves His church....thats a pretty powerful statement if you think about it. All women need to feel loved and appreciated....maybe focus on how you are treating her.Eph 5:25

Also look up the sticky about suggested reads.....there is a huge list of books and bible studies we've found helpful in our relationships.

Remember that applying biblical principles to your marriage will make a difference. You will be the greatest witness with your humble loving supportive spirit rather then your words of what you know is true. Show her how you are a new creation in Christ. 2 Cor 5:17

Find a mentor and lastly but most importantly, pray pray pray pray without ceasing. 1Thess 5:17

Oh and bible memorization, be always prepared to give an answer. 1Peter 3:15

 

[Pepperoni]

I have some comments but I can't guarantee the level of "wiseness."

Oh brother. "Wiseness?" Are you kidding me?

Who told Pep she could write? Wouldn't the word "wisdom" have worked just fine in this case?

Irishman, it doesn't sound as if you've been married terribly long. Two or three years maybe? I want to say give it some more time. I'm not seeing your differences as insurmountable . . . granted, I only know what you've told us, but it does NOT sound as if you have grounds for divorce.

Yet it's only natural to feel as you're feeling, to feel a bit "disconnected" with your wife as your views on Christianity are changing, and hers apparently are not.

AbidingInHim was correct when she said you can't change her, you can only change yourself and your attitude towards her. You can be an example, a witness. A humble spirit does make a difference.

I would suggest you not sacrifice your spiritual growth in favor of your marriage, though. This is something I, personally, have struggled with. Stand firm in what you believe is right, and don't compromise simply to pacify your wife. I know, easier said than done when conflict arises. But I think it'll be worth it.

 

[cory533]

Irishman,
Welcome home It sounds like you are one of us. Check out the introductions page so you can see who we are. I think if you haven't already looked you will recognize parts of the stories there.
My version of the answers you are looking for are that yes you took a vow voluntarily you are committed to stay with two exceptions one being infidelity the other if an unbelieving spouse should leave you are instructed to let her go. This is the interpretation we usually end up at here However the Catholic church position is not quite the same as Fr O'Malley used to teach us little whippers in parochial school. In a nutshell the answer there was you might not continue to live together but you still would be married. The best solution is to keep praying and let the Lord sort it out.
Continue to go forward in faith try to be the best witness you can be in part by being the husband God would have you be. You cannot change her so don't try however that does not mean you should roll over and play dead. Setting boundaries is vital. I personally would avoid the evolution discussion unless you feel the Spirit press you to push it.This is a religion of it's own with it's own miracles, leaps of faith and strictly enforced dogma. If she works in this field realize the pressure to conform is intense she easily could loose her job for betraying the faith. At some point she may have to come to grips with this but for now I would avoid that issue for the time being. Understand that if I had all the answers I would not still be unequally yoked after 24 years.

 

[cory533]

one more thing, we usually hang out in the check in thread please come join us there.
Peace in Christ,
Cory

 

[Jenniewren]

Hi Irishman,
I am not very wise, but I do know how difficult your situation is. Keep on praying and be careful what you comprimise on. Make sure it is never God.
I am praying for you. xxx

 

[irishman82]

Thank you for the moral support. I appreciate all your kind welcome and support...

I have to say that today things alone have turned a bit worse, I came back from church (by myself) and my wife was still angry about some argument we had last night (which is what probably brought me here seeking advice), I can say again she is not the forgiving kind..

Anyways to make long story short.. After having argued again today I walked away like I usually do... only this time I punched a wall as sign of frustration and weakness on my way out. To my surprise my fist went through the wall and when my wife saw it, she went bananas and said she was getting out of here, and going over and over saying "What have you done?!"

I realized I did something bad as I withdrew my fist and I felt bad at that very moment. Our daughter started crying, I picked her up to try comfort her and my wife just made a scene by pulling my shirt, so I pushed her away and she fell to the ground... She left with my daughter, whilst I knew something bad was then going to happen... Yep, sheriffs show up at my door and I cooperate with my arrest. I spent most of my only day off in jail.

I am now convinced I am unworthy for the Lord's Kingdom of Heaven, I always tried to do the very best but the devil always got the better of me.

This is the first time I ever got in to trouble. I feel terrible about what happened. Moreover I am by myself in this country of hers where I have no family to go to, and I very much feel singled out by her family, especially after what happened today... I don't think I have the guts to show my face around anyone related to her now.

 

[free4all]

Irishman,

I’m glad you have found the Lord. I pray you continue on this path, regardless of the storms to come in your marriage.

You are in a tough situation. So your wife isn’t interested in going to church with you on Sundays. Is this a ploy to try and get you to not attend your church? Don’t let her manipulate you into not attending church. I recommend if she won’t go, that you go anyway, even though it will cut into your limited family time. If she complains, tell her she is welcome to attend with you. Don’t put your marriage in front of your relationship with God. Yes, she could reschedule her time easier than you can. She didn’t. She’s choosing not to be with you at church on Sunday morning. Accept her choice and move on, but don’t let her manipulate you into staying home.

When your baby gets old enough to understand, I recommend you take the child to church with you. You are just as much a parent to your child as your wife is. If you want to take your child to church with you, then do it. If your wife doesn’t want to come along, then make it a special time with you and your child. Maybe even go out to eat later. Make it as fun as you possibly can in order to imprint church as a special place in your child’s mind. If your wife objects, do it anyway. You are the spiritual head of your family. You don’t need her permission to live your obligation. Your primary purpose as a father is to lead your children to God. If you have to fight your wife daily to lead your child to God, then so be it.

Is your wife open to Christian counseling? You say she converted to Catholicism. Does she consider herself a Christian? If so, why would she object to Christian counseling? Pardon me if I have misunderstood, but I get the feeling you are not going to a Christian counselor now.

I agree that it’s probably not much use to try and discuss creationism/evolution with her. She’s full of pride about her knowledge of evolution and the amount of time she’s studied. That is evident in her comment of how she dedicated all her life to the study, and her disparaging question to you of “What have you studied?”

Divorce is not a Biblical option for you unless she commits adultery, or if she is an unbeliever and she chooses to leave. Stay in your marriage, pray for her, draw close to God, work on yourself, and lead your family spiritually. Even if she refuses to follow, lead on anyway. When your child is old enough to understand, teach him or her about God. Take him or her to church with you. Do what is right, even if you have to fight your wife over it. You don’t need her permission to lead. Get in the habit of doing the right thing now, and leading even when she won’t follow. Never ask her permission for you to do what is right. Do it anyway, even if it means conflict, and let the chips fall where they may. At the judgment, you will give an account for your decisions and actions, not for those of your wife. She will answer for herself.

Take a firm stand on what is right. If she wants to leave, let her. But don’t allow her to manipulate you into compromising from what is right.

Don’t push for divorce, but don’t try to avoid it at all costs. If she threatens divorce, call her bluff and readily agree. Let her initiate it, though. If she chooses it, don’t beg her to change her mind. As long as you are married to her, you are the spiritual head of the family, and your opinion matters. If she wants to make all the decisions, then she belongs in a single-parent household, or with a man who has no backbone. You are not this man. Pick your battles, and on the important ones, don’t back down. Hopefully you two have a long life ahead of you together, and it’s important for you to let her know now that you are going to be the spiritual leader.

You’ve received some great advice already. I want to highlight some of it:

Remember as a husband you are called to lead the family, in all things expecially worship, if she won't follow or submit, I would definately insist on taking your child with you to church. Duet 11:19

I would suggest you not sacrifice your spiritual growth in favor of your marriage... Stand firm in what you believe is right, and don't compromise simply to pacify your wife... it'll be worth it.

You cannot change her so don't try however that does not mean you should roll over and play dead. Setting boundaries is vital.

Keep on praying and be careful what you comprimise on. Make sure it is never God.

Finally, if your wife gets emotional and cries when she doesn’t get her way, I recommend you refuse to discuss things with her until she chooses to calm down.

P.S. Don’t worry about long posts. If they weren’t allowed, I’d have been kicked out long ago.

Thank you for the moral support. I appreciate all your kind welcome and support...

I have to say that today things alone have turned a bit worse, I came back from church (by myself) and my wife was still angry about some argument we had last night (which is what probably brought me here seeking advice), I can say again she is not the forgiving kind..

Anyways to make long story short.. After having argued again today I walked away like I usually do... only this time I punched a wall as sign of frustration and weakness on my way out. To my surprise my fist went through the wall and when my wife saw it, she went bananas and said she was getting out of here, and going over and over saying "What have you done?!"

I realized I did something bad as I withdrew my fist and I felt bad at that very moment. Our daughter started crying, I picked her up to try comfort her and my wife just made a scene by pulling my shirt, so I pushed her away and she fell to the ground... She left with my daughter, whilst I knew something bad was then going to happen... Yep, sheriffs show up at my door and I cooperate with my arrest. I spent most of my only day off in jail.

I am now convinced I am unworthy for the Lord's Kingdom of Heaven, I always tried to do the very best but the devil always got the better of me.

This is the first time I ever got in to trouble. I feel terrible about what happened. Moreover I am by myself in this country of hers where I have no family to go to, and I very much feel singled out by her family, especially after what happened today... I don't think I have the guts to show my face around anyone related to her now.

Irishman, I replied to your previous post earlier, but couldn’t post it until now. I just read your recent post about being arrested. Get a handle on your anger, and never lay a hand on her again, even if she strikes you first, and not even to push her away. That’s why it’s important to not discuss anything with her when she is extremely emotional.

If she wants to divorce you over that, she is just looking for an excuse.

Get a lawyer and see if there is a possibility for you to plead the Alford plea (not sure if that’s available in your state). That is where you don’t plead guilty, but you accept the punishment as if you were guilty. If you are allowed to plead this, your records may be sealed after you complete any mandatory counseling (assuming that is an available option).

Whatever you do, GET A LAWYER NOW! Please don’t reply to me that you don’t have the money. Charge it, borrow the money if you don’t have it, or sell something. You may be dealing with custody issues with your baby in this matter. You may also be looking at jail time, or a future record.

We’re all unworthy of God’s Kingdom. Welcome to the club.

You did well by walking away, not so well by punching the wall or pushing her away. I understand you pushing her away, but the law doesn’t accept that, especially if you pushed so hard she fell. I’ve known men who were arrested for pushing their wives away after their wives attacked them, trying to hurt them. It doesn’t matter if you are provoked; if a man hits a woman, he usually goes to jail regardless of what the woman did, unless she used a weapon. Some men deserve jail, and some women deserve jail for starting a fight, but women usually won’t go to jail unless there are other witnesses or unless the man has physical injuries. Domestic violence laws in the U.S. are tilted in favor of women, and some women abuse that. Please keep that in mind, especially if you continue to be married to your current wife. If you get arrested a second time for the same thing, regardless of whether you touch her or not, you will spend time in jail.

See a lawyer. You may receive mercy if you have a clean record up until now.

Can you ask anyone at your church to pray for you or help you?

 

[cory533]

Irishman,
I must take you at your word as to what happened. What you need to do is to get help now You need to find a Christian councilor that you can trust who deals with anger management if you choose someone now the court won't assign you to someone later. You also need to get an attorney both for the possible criminal case against you the immigration issues and to protect your rights as a father if your wife decides to use this as a way to end the marriage and restrict your access to your child. If you have shaded the story in your own favor I still would advise the same. Either way you must get control of your temper. The bible clearly speaks of the fruits of the spirit including Love, joy, peace, longsuffering, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self control. If the Holy Spirit is living in you you will find that you are moving toward these things and with prayer you will find that you are able to overcome fits of anger and other issues. Clearly by your own words you have crossed a line and if you wish your wife to believe your spiritual change is real you will have to work to make things better. Many of us have had situations similar to the one you describe you must decide that it cannot happen again. No matter what you cannot allow your temper to get the better of you. Right now you have lost all moral highground. However we serve a God of forgiveness and hope. He will help you to turn this around. Even with forgiveness there are still consequences for our actions. We will reap what we sow. At this point I suggest praying for crop failure. Moving forward God can help you rebuild he will replace what the canker worm has destroyed. You were bought with his blood that has not changed you never were worthy (nor were any of us) so hold on to the gift of salvation and move forward.
Peace in Christ,
Cory

 

[pete56]

Hi Irishman and welcome to UY at CF!

You are clearly in the right place here and it is clear that you need help and advice!

We cannot offer professional advice here but we can tell you our own experiences in situations just like yours! Between us we have many years of experience of living UYd!

I agree with what my brothers and Sisters have said here. Get knowledge of the issue that is dividing you and find counsel for your temper issues.

One other thing you need to do! You say your wife is not forgiving, but have you forgiven her? You need to model the sort of forgiveness that you hope to receive! You probably will not move her to forgiving you, but if you persevere (and some of us here have been in this UY for over 20 years!) then little by little her attitude will mellow.

Now having said that you also need to be firm and create the correct God honouring boundaries in your marriage. You need to ensure that you are heard and listened to in all matters of the upbringing of your child. You need to continue to educate yourself in the Bible and in the matters that make her stumble. (A good resource for the issue you are facing is a trilogy of books by Brian Mclaren called the New Kind of Christian series. - It does not give definitive answers but it does provide a less literal approach to interpreting the Bible without destroying the faith of the Bible!

Cory has already invited you to the Check-in thread and I reiterate the invite, come and be welcome.

Pete

 

[Pepperoni]

.. After having argued again today I walked away like I usually do... only this time I punched a wall as sign of frustration and weakness on my way out. To my surprise my fist went through the wall and when my wife saw it, she went bananas and said she was getting out of here, and going over and over saying "What have you done?!"

I realized I did something bad as I withdrew my fist and I felt bad at that very moment. Our daughter started crying, I picked her up to try comfort her and my wife just made a scene by pulling my shirt, so I pushed her away and she fell to the ground... She left with my daughter, whilst I knew something bad was then going to happen... Yep, sheriffs show up at my door and I cooperate with my arrest. I spent most of my only day off in jail.

I'm sorry to hear this. If what you're saying is true (about the physical part), you were only doing what anyone in your situation would do and it's a shame that men feel they have to take whatever abuse their wives seem fit to heap upon them, or face legal repercussions. Was it wrong for you to hit the wall? Probably. But what your wife did was very much out of place, and in my opinion you didn't do anything wrong.

. . . I just read your recent post about being arrested. Get a handle on your anger, and never lay a hand on her again, even if she strikes you first, and not even to push her away. That’s why it’s important to not discuss anything with her when she is extremely emotional.

. . . I understand you pushing her away, but the law doesn’t accept that, especially if you pushed so hard she fell. I’ve known men who were arrested for pushing their wives away after their wives attacked them, trying to hurt them. It doesn’t matter if you are provoked; if a man hits a woman, he usually goes to jail regardless of what the woman did, unless she used a weapon. Some men deserve jail, and some women deserve jail for starting a fight, but women usually won’t go to jail unless there are other witnesses or unless the man has physical injuries. Domestic violence laws in the U.S. are tilted in favor of women, and some women abuse that . . .

Unfortunately, Wayne, I'm embarrassed to admit that this is true. If the woman is hurt (read: needs medical attention) then that's one thing. But when woman attacks a man and he pushes her away to defend himself, and ends up in jail? Please! That's ridiculous. Women should treat their husbands as they would want to be treated. Which means, if they don't want to be physically handled themselves, then they shouldn't treat their husbands in that manner. I know it's not always as simple as that, but in this case it appears to be.

Now I've also heard of women who have completely fabricated an event, in order to have their husband arrested (ahem! my ex-sister-in-law!). Completely wrong behavior. Again, I'm embarrassed to hear of situations like this, and the men on the receiving end of this abuse (yes, it is abuse) have my understanding.

 

[irishman82]

Again, thank you for your words guys... You really are helpful and giving me hope.

The situation right now... I am at home by myself and my wife and child at the in laws... a couple of miles down the road.

I just have a problem after things possibly get straighten out between my wife and I. How should I deal with the shame that I have. Because of this issue I don't feel like I can have any contact with her family, I feel as if they have made a judgment of me after she would get to their place crying begging for help because her husband went nuts on her...

I am somewhat embarrassed for everything that happened.

 

[cory533]

that is a hard one. If they know the situation and know her behavior they may be sympathetic to you though they would be hard pressed to say so and "side against there own". I would give them space prove that you are not an abusive man. resolve the relationship with her first then worry about relations. Keep in mind what the old you would have done to someone who did what she is likely claiming to your sister. Keep your distance untill things have cooled some. If you need to go to their house or meet with them bring a credible witness. this could also aply to interaction with wife or child. If she is vindictive and trying to get leverage over you, you need to be overly careful. continue in prayer and get Christian councel not just a councelor and lawyer but people to come along side of you and help you through this.

 

[pete56]

Again, thank you for your words guys... You really are helpful and giving me hope.

The situation right now... I am at home by myself and my wife and child at the in laws... a couple of miles down the road.

I just have a problem after things possibly get straighten out between my wife and I. How should I deal with the shame that I have. Because of this issue I don't feel like I can have any contact with her family, I feel as if they have made a judgment of me after she would get to their place crying begging for help because her husband went nuts on her...

I am somewhat embarrassed for everything that happened.

Irishman

My best advice to you here, is to focus on your wife and child for now and just ignore the issue with your in-laws!

Once you have convinced your wife that you are not the maniac she thinks you are right now, there will be time enough to face the In-Laws. And at that point my advice is honesty and truth. Don't duck the issue and don't try to paint it rosy or blacker than it was.

You are human! You fail, and you make a mess, who doesn't? But you are forgiven and can be restored.

So don't beat up on yourself. Concentrate on wooing your wife and winning her trust again.

Pete

 

[WashedClean]

Again, thank you for your words guys... You really are helpful and giving me hope.

The situation right now... I am at home by myself and my wife and child at the in laws... a couple of miles down the road.

I just have a problem after things possibly get straighten out between my wife and I. How should I deal with the shame that I have. Because of this issue I don't feel like I can have any contact with her family, I feel as if they have made a judgment of me after she would get to their place crying begging for help because her husband went nuts on her...

I am somewhat embarrassed for everything that happened.

Sorry to be coming in a little late here... but I just want to say that if you have repented and asked God to forgive you, then you should not have any shame. See, Jesus took our guilt AND shame when he paid for our sins. Hallelujah!! Don't let Satan condemn you for there is no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus.

As far as your in-laws are concerned, you will probably need to humble yourself and show them that you are not abusive and give them time to see the real you. I would also tell your wife that you feel her behavior was not warranted, but you aren't happy with how you responded either.

Hope this helps... sorry I don't have more time!

 

[Pepperoni]

Again, thank you for your words guys... You really are helpful and giving me hope.

The situation right now... I am at home by myself and my wife and child at the in laws... a couple of miles down the road.

I just have a problem after things possibly get straighten out between my wife and I. How should I deal with the shame that I have. Because of this issue I don't feel like I can have any contact with her family, I feel as if they have made a judgment of me after she would get to their place crying begging for help because her husband went nuts on her...

I am somewhat embarrassed for everything that happened.

I guess I'm still not seeing where you did anything wrong. I remember one time after an argument with my husband, I went upstairs to our bedroom and scattered his clean clothes all over the floor (since he never puts them away--they just stay stacked on a filing cabinet). Was that wrong? Probably. I lost my temper because he was criticizing me for not being able to do absolutely everything, while he sits in the recliner with his feet up. Should he have called the police on me? No, and he didn't. He had nothing to fear from me, just like your wife had nothing to fear from you (as close as I can tell).

How should you deal with the shame you have? Simply ask forgiveness, as Jill said (above). From God, and your wife. Pete is completely right, your in-laws' opinions aren't really relevant right now and can be addressed later.

 

[irishman82]

Well I just realize and think I need to admit that I haven't been the greatest husband myself, I now realize I have been somewhat selfish...

On another note, I'd like to give you a quick update on my situation: She told me last night over the phone that we're separated and that she doesn't give up on me and I told her I would love to have her support at least during this time, since I am all alone here. We both seem more calm but haven't seen each other since the day of the incident. We're supposed to meet tomorrow for an appointment that we have for couples therapy, she will bring my daughter there so I can spend some time with her.

Something irrelevant till now I thought I'd share... My parents live in Europe... My father and I go back and he was somewhat abusive... long story short after the incident at home my wife on msn with my mother told her "Your son is in jail, he hit me with the baby on his arms, etc" and my wife also threw a comment to my mother along the lines "I believe your son is the way he is because of the way he was treated when he was young".... My parents haven't been able to sleep since that day... My father calls me all worked up today and tells me that I have dishonoured my parents, that I claim to be a man of faith and told me that one of the commandments says: You shall honour your parents and he said I clearly didn't... He is not a believer therefore he said obnoxious things about God and my priest. Conversation ends.

I went back to work... I get another call from my mother this time when I get out of work telling me that they worry about me and that I know the way my father is and the way he expresses himself, I make no big deal out of nothing my father says... however one thing strikes me... My mother mentions that she is able to log on to the flickr account of hers but she can't see the pictures of my daughter, just general pictures... I tell her I'll check on it. So I call my wife and tell her my mother's situation with flickr... and I practically have to pull it out of her mouth: "My mother mentioned me she can't see our daughter's pictures? (pause) uh-huh.... Ok, I was wondering if maybe you moved them? (pause) because she feels as she has been restricted from seeing her grand daughter, did you cut her off the access? Yes I did. And she didn't want to talk about it...

It gets me, you know... last Saturday we had an argument because I didn't let her know if I bought something or not, which I had here at home... She started yelling at me because I didn't exactly give her an answer... I never heard the end of it...

How am I supposed to deal with her when she gets like that? I mean doesn't it go both ways? Why should I feel like I have to pull out an answer from her mouth? and is it ok to cut a grandparent in a different country to see pictures of her only grandchild?

Because I don't want to argue or make her feel like she is in the spotlight I play her game. She says she doesn't wanna talk about it, so I don't, but trust me it bothers me enough to turn on the computer and log in here to come and ask if it's ok to do what she is doing?

She apparently wants no contact with my parents because of the way they dealt with me when I was young...And on the other hand I can appeal to my father being angry over the phone... Why should he get blamed for something that went wrong in my relationship with my wife?

I'd love to have my wife back and I feel that I've done such many wrong things that I need to play by her rules... and I feel like she is controlling me at some times, and taking advantage of our situation... because if I reply to her and seek an answer I'm probably being pushy and making her uncomfortable...if she says she doesn't wanna talk about something I just ought to play by the rules of the game or everything goes wrong.

What do you guys think? How should I act, react?

 

[free4all]

Irishman,

I don't know your entire situation, but much of what you said is similar to what I've gone through. Here are a couple similarities: DW did something similar to me a few years back, I pushed her away from me, she called the police, lied and said I hit her, and had me thrown in jail for the first time ever. She called my family and said how mean I was to her... She also likes to play both sides of the aisle: wants me to fully disclose everything to her, yet doesn't feel she owes me any explanation for anything.

Here's what I have done over the years that has shown success:

1. When she refers to me hitting her, I call her a liar to her face, no matter where we are or who is around. I will not accept her false representation any longer. I get in her face and the argument is full on.

2. I don't accept her double standards any longer. If she doesn't believe in treating me with common courtesy that she would give a total stranger, I'm in her face addressing it, and I'm not gentle any longer.

3. When she is very disrespectful, such as cursing at me in front of my daughter and refusing to apologize, I do not give her spending money for that month. I do not have to tolerate her disrespect, and I don't any longer. Incidentally, this is the only thing over the years that has gotten her attention to where she would change her behavior. I don't have to do it often, and I don't like to do it, but I will if that's what it takes for her to treat me with a little respect.

4. I separated the finances to where she does not have access to my paycheck. This restores some of the control in the marriage to me. Having her in control of everything was exactly what she wanted, and when it was so, she had no incentive to treat me as anything other than a paycheck. Now she has incentive.

5. I quit begging her to participate in the marriage. If she's not interested, I just go on and live my life without her. I've developed a few hobbies in the last couple years, and when she gets in her nasty moods, I go on with my life without her.

I'll accept what you've said in your previous posts. My advice is to quit accepting her lies. Apologize for what you did, but if you didn't hit her, NEVER allow that accusation to go unchallenged. Stop accepting her double standard. If she doesn't want to participate in the marriage, go on living without her. You can't force someone to love you or to act reasonable. You can give them incentives to, and enforce them if they don't, but in the end you can't force good behavior. I do recommend you set some boundaries. Stop allowing the marriage to be one-way in her favor.

Get the book Boundaries in Marriage by Cloud and Townsend. Read it and apply it. If your wife is treating you poorly, enforce consequences. If she doesn't like it and chooses to leave rather than treat you well, consider yourself fortunate. Get over your fear of divorce. Live in freedom, and refuse to be controlled by your wife. You can love her, but stop trying to pacify her every whim. If she has anger issues at men in general, or desires to be in control of everything, there will be no peace in your home regardless of what you do. So stop seeking peace at any cost. Set boundaries, and when she crosses them, enforce consequences. If she threatens divorce, let her go. You are better off alone than with a controlling woman. She will probably threaten divorce at some point, maybe to control you, or maybe because she is serious. The only way to deal with a threat like that is to call her bluff. If it's a threat only, you agreeing will take the air out of her threat. If she's serious, you can't stop her, so there is no point in begging.

I hate to see a man following the steps I walked in for so long. My life changed for the better when I got over my fear of divorce, and when I decided any life was better than living under my wife's thumb. So I threw off her yoke of bondage, and now I am a free man. If she chooses divorce, I'll drive her to the lawyer's office and ask for an expedited divorce. Her threats hold no power over me any longer.

Freedom for you, Irishman, may mean you don't live with her any longer. Trust me: anything is better than living with a controlling spouse.

You are not going to apease your wife with logic. You may need to reach her on an emotional level, such as when you get in her face and refute her lies.

This sounds harsh, but if she wants to leave, let her.

I hope you find your freedom sooner than I found mine. But freedom is good, and I'm not letting it go, no matter the cost. I will not be bound by an unregenerate, self-centered mate any longer. I hope you won't, either.

 

[Jenniewren]

Hi Irishman,
I have been praying for you and I hope some of the excellent advice above helps.
I just wanted to add that we have all in one way or another fallen short of being a perfect Christian, in fact we will not be perfect untill we get to heaven. Ask Jesus for forgivness and he will forgive. Then you must forgive yourself, Jesus does not want us to wallow in guilt after he has paid the price for our sins. Then you need to pray for help in forgiving your wife. Remember forgiving isn't saying it was ok, or doesn't matter. It is making a choice not to be guilty or bitter which does everyone harm in the end.
Forgivness doesn't mean you behave like a doormat either. It gives you freedom to set boundaries and not accept lies. Remember the truth usually comes out, so stick to it.
Blessings and love to you xxx