cristianna
...dancing in the rain...
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Jenniewren
Well-Known Member
Hi IchthusKF,
Yes we do know there are two sides to every story and I think most of us here are trying to minister to you and to your husband.
Do you have a good support structure, family, church and friends? Do you have a priest you can talk to?
How is the counselling going?
I am praying for you and your family, sister
Love Jen xx
Yes we do know there are two sides to every story and I think most of us here are trying to minister to you and to your husband.
Do you have a good support structure, family, church and friends? Do you have a priest you can talk to?
How is the counselling going?
I am praying for you and your family, sister
Love Jen xx
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Thank you Cristianna and Jenniewren, I have a very good support system. A Christian counselor I have been going to since April, my family is very supportive and forgiving my DH is certainly something that will take time but they have told me in the future they could see this happening...that and they are working on forgetting which is going to be much harder for them. I do have a priest I can talk to and my DH has gone to him a few times and I hope he continues with that. I have also contacted some friends with whom I have lost touch, I do not really have any friends with whom I hang out or call anymore. Thank you so much for your thoughts and prayers...both of us are trying hard to make this work and I know that something as big as this cannot be done without God's help. I prayed to Him to give me an answer of whether or not to try to make things work and a strong sign of yes was given to me. So I am dedicated to working on our marriage.
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Well,
I am very tired of arguing and I am taking one day at a time... I admit my mistakes and after I fix them I hope we can move on in the same direction.
With this said, I would hate to be the cause of more turmoil and uncomfortable situations... it's almost ironic coming from the man who caused all this mess and created nothing but a bad situation but I must say, please let's all be at peace...
Let's pull in the same direction. And thank you so much for all of your prayers, I pray for my family to reunite with me one day and that our father keeps them safe in the palm of his hand.
I am very tired of arguing and I am taking one day at a time... I admit my mistakes and after I fix them I hope we can move on in the same direction.
With this said, I would hate to be the cause of more turmoil and uncomfortable situations... it's almost ironic coming from the man who caused all this mess and created nothing but a bad situation but I must say, please let's all be at peace...
Let's pull in the same direction. And thank you so much for all of your prayers, I pray for my family to reunite with me one day and that our father keeps them safe in the palm of his hand.
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Hello all. It's been a while since I've posted and I have come here for your take on a few issues. Things with DH have gone up and down over the last few weeks. Last night though, some of the things he was saying were quite troubling to me. The most troubling though, was that he did not care what happened anymore and I should let him "...rot in his misery" or something to that effect. He said that I should just move on and be happy, but I do not think I could be happy without him and I am confident that he has the will and the support of God Himself to help him bring about his transformation.
Something else troubling though, is our money situation (of which I've mentioned before). I am activel seeking a job to alleviate some of the pressure, while still trying to make sure our baby has me as a full time mom. I have looked into serveral options of nighttime work (while my parents watch the baby, though she'll be sleeping during the times I plan to work). But in the meantime, my parents have bought the baby ALL of her food and diapers this month AND LOANED us some money to help pay the bills. (WE (DH and I) will have to pay them back once I get some money. Also, my parents bought me a tank of gas because I was running so low they did not want me to run out when I was taking the baby somewhere (that is the only time I go anywhere these days is to take the baby to get food, dr.'s appointments etc...).
Well, DH has now told me that he does not think he should have to pay for the car, for the gas I put in the car or for any of my medical bills (including the bill for the hospital that was for when I HAD our baby and for the therapy bills that I have for all of the things of our past). He also said he should not feel badly that my parents bought me gas, (oh did I mention once I told him my parents were loaning us money so we could meet all of our bills the first thing he did was go and take out money so he could get things for himself? Instead of making sure the baby was fed and we could meet all of our bills? I do not mean things like medications and important things of everday life...I mean he took out some money to get things for "himself" that "he" deserved. I understand he works his butt off...but in a time when you don't know if you can cover your bills and some one else is paying to feed your baby? And then he wondered why I did not want to drop everything the next AM (as I was feeding the baby) when he called from work, after I spent another sleepless night worried about how I am going to support the baby and myself (for it's NOT my parents responsibility). And he tells me it demoralizes him and he feels I am not a forgiving person. He does not give me a chance to forgive him before he heaps on something else.
I know I can forgive him, just not yet. He tells me that he just needs to "say" that I forgive him...even if I don't mean it. (I won't lie...not for anyone and not to make him feel better). I am working on trying to forgive him -AGAIN- I have forgiven him for so many things he has done and kept positive that "that" time was the time he would change...now I'm guarded, I want to see a real change and as I have said I know some day I will be able to forgive him. But am I wrong in waiting to see if he's sincere this time? I know in my heart and soul I am a forgiving person, no matter what he "feels" I am I just feel that forgiveness is not something to take lightly and I don't know how I feel about him saying he feels I should just "say" it if I don't mean it. Sorry if this has gone on, and do not feel obliged to post if you do not want to do so. I hope and pray that God's love will truly shine on and in my husband. And I pray that our marriage and family will pull through this.
Something else troubling though, is our money situation (of which I've mentioned before). I am activel seeking a job to alleviate some of the pressure, while still trying to make sure our baby has me as a full time mom. I have looked into serveral options of nighttime work (while my parents watch the baby, though she'll be sleeping during the times I plan to work). But in the meantime, my parents have bought the baby ALL of her food and diapers this month AND LOANED us some money to help pay the bills. (WE (DH and I) will have to pay them back once I get some money. Also, my parents bought me a tank of gas because I was running so low they did not want me to run out when I was taking the baby somewhere (that is the only time I go anywhere these days is to take the baby to get food, dr.'s appointments etc...).
Well, DH has now told me that he does not think he should have to pay for the car, for the gas I put in the car or for any of my medical bills (including the bill for the hospital that was for when I HAD our baby and for the therapy bills that I have for all of the things of our past). He also said he should not feel badly that my parents bought me gas, (oh did I mention once I told him my parents were loaning us money so we could meet all of our bills the first thing he did was go and take out money so he could get things for himself? Instead of making sure the baby was fed and we could meet all of our bills? I do not mean things like medications and important things of everday life...I mean he took out some money to get things for "himself" that "he" deserved. I understand he works his butt off...but in a time when you don't know if you can cover your bills and some one else is paying to feed your baby? And then he wondered why I did not want to drop everything the next AM (as I was feeding the baby) when he called from work, after I spent another sleepless night worried about how I am going to support the baby and myself (for it's NOT my parents responsibility). And he tells me it demoralizes him and he feels I am not a forgiving person. He does not give me a chance to forgive him before he heaps on something else.
I know I can forgive him, just not yet. He tells me that he just needs to "say" that I forgive him...even if I don't mean it. (I won't lie...not for anyone and not to make him feel better). I am working on trying to forgive him -AGAIN- I have forgiven him for so many things he has done and kept positive that "that" time was the time he would change...now I'm guarded, I want to see a real change and as I have said I know some day I will be able to forgive him. But am I wrong in waiting to see if he's sincere this time? I know in my heart and soul I am a forgiving person, no matter what he "feels" I am I just feel that forgiveness is not something to take lightly and I don't know how I feel about him saying he feels I should just "say" it if I don't mean it. Sorry if this has gone on, and do not feel obliged to post if you do not want to do so. I hope and pray that God's love will truly shine on and in my husband. And I pray that our marriage and family will pull through this.
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Jenniewren
Well-Known Member
ichthusKF,
Hi, these things are never easy and often take years to sort out. I think you are both ahead in one way though, you are open and honest about the problems and what you both expect. Believe me that is a huge step in the right direction.
I am still praying for you and your marriage and I trust God has you both and your little one in the palms of his hand and loves you dearly. I pray these financial problems will be sorted out soon.
Hi, these things are never easy and often take years to sort out. I think you are both ahead in one way though, you are open and honest about the problems and what you both expect. Believe me that is a huge step in the right direction.
I am still praying for you and your marriage and I trust God has you both and your little one in the palms of his hand and loves you dearly. I pray these financial problems will be sorted out soon.
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Jenniewren-
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I actually looked at a definition you had of forgiveness in a previous post. Under that definition I do forgive my DH. I certainly have not forgotten nor do I trust him much. It seems when I start to trust him he does something that makes me question his willingness to change. He has made great strides in changing his poor behaviours however, and for that I can applaud him. I just fear that he has forgotten our original agreement or more exactly--parts of it-- to suit his needs at the time. Again a big big problem for us. I am not saying I am completely without fault here, though I am in NO WAY saying I deserved what he was doing (the daily verbal and mental abuse and sometimes physical abuse) to me.
I think it's the fear that he does not want to change or his very real problem of minimizing the what he has done and does that makes me fear that a real change may not be possible until he reconciles that and faces up to the reality of things. I pray that God will give him the wisdom and strength to see things as they really are and to give me the patience to let him change. He has a real set of problems that have nothing to do with me and until he gets those under control and works them out I do not think I can expect a real change. I know that God will do what He knows is best. So I guess it's best that I wait and see how things turn out.
Thank you for your kind words and encouragement. I actually looked at a definition you had of forgiveness in a previous post. Under that definition I do forgive my DH. I certainly have not forgotten nor do I trust him much. It seems when I start to trust him he does something that makes me question his willingness to change. He has made great strides in changing his poor behaviours however, and for that I can applaud him. I just fear that he has forgotten our original agreement or more exactly--parts of it-- to suit his needs at the time. Again a big big problem for us. I am not saying I am completely without fault here, though I am in NO WAY saying I deserved what he was doing (the daily verbal and mental abuse and sometimes physical abuse) to me.
I think it's the fear that he does not want to change or his very real problem of minimizing the what he has done and does that makes me fear that a real change may not be possible until he reconciles that and faces up to the reality of things. I pray that God will give him the wisdom and strength to see things as they really are and to give me the patience to let him change. He has a real set of problems that have nothing to do with me and until he gets those under control and works them out I do not think I can expect a real change. I know that God will do what He knows is best. So I guess it's best that I wait and see how things turn out.
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Jenniewren
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To rebuild your marriage is not going to be easy and will probably take quite a bit of time. Even regaining trust will not happen overnight but will be an ongoing process. I am praying the counselling helps both of you to be able to make a new start. It is not going to be easy, relationships never are, if you can sort it out it will be worth it in the long run for you and your little daughter.
You are all in my prayers
Love and all God's Blessings Jenny x x
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Hi Jenniewren--
thank you so much for your continued support. Unfortunately my fears were confirmed last night. DH was just not in the mood for anything. I know he's going through a lot with his Grandad (in fact when he found out about his death the first thing I did was tell him to come over and be with me and our daughter. I love him and I really wanted him to know that even though we were apart that I would be there to support him.) I comforted him in every way possible, in "every" way because I'm his wife and there are certain rules that take a higher place during times like those.
He has now thrown that comfort and love back in my face. Saying if I could trust him like "that" then why can't I trust him now. He did that in such a hateful tone it took every beautiful thing and reason behind that act and crashed it into the ground. (I must add that I did not cry, nor yell nor become irate during our entire conversations that I will recount).
He continued to get annoyed when I would not tell him how much my parents are paying for me to go to school. I have an opportunity to go to school and get a good paying job with benefits that will be from home. It was the answer to my prayers; all he could say was "Did you call the place I told you about yesterday?" (The place had something like 200 people working from home jobs and they were all in Massachusetts and Louisiana- I had checked it out online. But that was not good enough for him. He became VERY irate because he had found this job and I did not call. There were plenty of places I found for him when he was looking for work that he did not call. Also, I had our daughter all day, who amazingly took a nap for an hour yesterday in which time I was able to call to make an appointment for the car which has had problems for more than two months now and I talked to him on the phone. Not that it was his place, but at that point he did not remind me to call or ask about the job). Anyone who has stayed home with kids knows how difficult it is to plan things when they are so young.
That is another issue that got him upset, the baby. I just do not trust him enough to leave her alone with him. In her entire life, he has never spent more than 45 minutes alone with her. Anytime she has fussed he just gives her back to me (or when we meet at the park he just says "Oh...she just wants you...she does not want me.") instead of trying to calmly figure out what she wants. He needs practice with her but leaving him alone with her at this point is something that I fear, especially with his moods going up and down and with our past. That got him really upset as well. The job thing was the last straw for him though (even though I am actively looking and now I'll be going to school--something he's refused to do despite my parents or his current employer offering to pay if he had the will). He started to yell and fuss and then he told me to get my sh*t out of his house and leave the keys (we are both on the lease...though he says since I"m not contributing--this from a man who is not even feeding his own child or keeping her in diapers--I can pay half the rent if I want to keep the keys.
He then hung up on me and I wrote him to find out when I needed my stuff out of the house. And I suggested a legal separation because it seems that money is an issue for him that he cannot get around. This way my bills will be mine and he will only have to worry about supporting the baby (which I don't expect much of but I think contributing something to her well being is not out of the question).
He is not well, that I know. With the death of his grandad things are being made worse and I understand his grief and I have tried to be there for him even just as some one to talk to him. He has pushed me away and told me this weekend was great because he hardly spoke with me. How am I supposed to try to reconcile with some one who could treat me like such a doormat? Part of the act of forgiveness is expecting things to change, right now I'm getting more of the same. I still do forgive him for what he's done in the past but I cannot get over my fear that he'll do something again when his attitude towards me is so up and down. I did call and tell him that I do not feel comfortable meeting him with the baby in the park like usual. I am going to call the therapist (who he is refusing to see now even though it was part of our agreement for getting back together--he said things change and HE was changing the agreement--something that sent off red flags for me.) so that he could see the baby tomorrow as we had planned. He won't accept my phone calls so I can only leave voice mails...which is fine with me. But I ask that you pray for him to open his mind and work past the grief he has so I do not have the anger of his grief directed at me. And that he is able to understand the truly wonderful thing about his grandad's death. He went on his own terms, he lived a beautiful life and he had a myriad of people who loved and admired him. IF only everyone could go in such a peaceful way and find their way into the arms of God. At the end of this all...I really do love my DH, it just gets harder every day lately.
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Jenniewren
Well-Known Member
?
Actually forgivness is forgiving without conditions or expectations, that is why it is so difficult. You may decide not to carry on with the relationship, you may not be able to trust him to behave well. You still need to forgive him though whatever happens from the bottom of your heart. That is for your sake as well as for your daughter. Pray for help with this because it is so important.
I am praying for you and I hope things smooth out soon.
Actually forgivness is forgiving without conditions or expectations, that is why it is so difficult. You may decide not to carry on with the relationship, you may not be able to trust him to behave well. You still need to forgive him though whatever happens from the bottom of your heart. That is for your sake as well as for your daughter. Pray for help with this because it is so important.
I am praying for you and I hope things smooth out soon.
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Gardener101
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Well, I guess you've heard by now that my DH has decided to divorce me. It was his decision to go. He feels that I am too controlling and demanding. I forgave him long ago as did my family. He just seems to refuse to see that.
Also, according to a woman he's been speaking to on myspace (a total stranger mind you) he feels like he's fighting a losing battle for our marriage. He's apparently been talking to her and some other women on Myspace instead of me. I consider that to be a form of cheating, he does not. There are many other aspects to this story...but I'm just too upset and distraught to really write them down. The short version is, it seems he does not love me, I make his life a living Hell and I'm too much for him to put up with in this world. I still love him and I always will. Even though he has been abusive, I forgave him. I just pray that God will understand I as not the one who wanted this, divorce is such a terrible sin and I pray to God that our child is spared any pain that might come with this split in our family and that she can grow up to be a strong, happy, well-adjusted adult. I have pretty much given up hope of getting back together with my DH...he's made it clear it's over for him...and he's not willing to give up the new, single women that he is "just friends" with now....who knows what they'll turn out to be in the future. He and I started out as "just friends" on the Internet., so really I see no hope...he's moved on.
Also, according to a woman he's been speaking to on myspace (a total stranger mind you) he feels like he's fighting a losing battle for our marriage. He's apparently been talking to her and some other women on Myspace instead of me. I consider that to be a form of cheating, he does not. There are many other aspects to this story...but I'm just too upset and distraught to really write them down. The short version is, it seems he does not love me, I make his life a living Hell and I'm too much for him to put up with in this world. I still love him and I always will. Even though he has been abusive, I forgave him. I just pray that God will understand I as not the one who wanted this, divorce is such a terrible sin and I pray to God that our child is spared any pain that might come with this split in our family and that she can grow up to be a strong, happy, well-adjusted adult. I have pretty much given up hope of getting back together with my DH...he's made it clear it's over for him...and he's not willing to give up the new, single women that he is "just friends" with now....who knows what they'll turn out to be in the future. He and I started out as "just friends" on the Internet., so really I see no hope...he's moved on.
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Jenniewren
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I am so sorry to hear this. I have not seen any posts from your husband for a while now. You have been through so much and I wish things had worked out differently. I'll still be praying for you and your relationship that if it cannot be restored that you will be able to get on with each other for your precious daughter's sake.
Love and all best wishes
God Bless you xx
Love and all best wishes
God Bless you xx
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