Hello

[cory533]

Irishman, as wayne said don't accwpt whatever she dishes out because you were in part at falt. so was she.
Set firm boudaries. If you have not yet you really need to talk to an attorney if her version of events stands she will have you over a barrel because of the child. Be nice work with her try to heal the marriage. take responsibility for what is yours but don't take her um flack as payback.draw the line in the sand. but while you make nice get the leagal stuff worked out. the first one to the attorney often has a huge advantage in custody issues. If you block her using the child as a weapon against you she may be more likely to work it out. also equal footing here may help to keep the wee one out of the middle if things do get nasty.

 

[irishman82]

Thank you guys yet again,

I have some news and I will post as soon as I get back from work... You are kind, and thank you for praying for me.

 

[cristianna]

.

 

[irishman82]

My friends,

Again I must thank you for praying for me. I think, no I know God heard your prayers, as they have been answered.... Not in the way you would think they have been answered, but in a way... Let me explain:

Thursday I met my wife at couples therapy, this is the first day I met her since the incident Sunday last week. I was nervous before I saw her, but she told me to remain positive over the meeting on the phone, so I did... but things did not start as I expected.

She offered a separation for about a year, the counselor thought it was a fair amount of time, I was holding my daughter at that moment and I couldn't keep it together anymore, the world fell on my shoulders as I wept and said things along the line: "What about my daughter, will I not see her grow? I am alone in this country.. I have no one" They arranged for me to see my daughter every Wednesday and Friday and Sunday. We meet in public places where my wife feels comfortable, and we all agreed I don't have much say for I am the one who got arrested and screwed up.

So I walked out of the meeting gave my wife money for herself to spend, she didn't want it, I insisted and I gave my daughter a teddy bear... I also asked my counselor if it would be ok to give a letter to her family and he read it and agreed it was a good statement. In the letter I speak my feelings... That I am ashamed and sorry and that I don't blame anyone else for my actions. That I feel I betrayed their trust and love. My wife on a conversation later said they read it and felt a bit positive, tho only time will tell what happens.

To my surprise I took it better than I expected, I am no longer so down on myself and try to remain positive. We spoke on Friday when we met and it was like we're somewhat different people than what we're used to. We even kissed goodbye, which was really nice. We talk on the phone about 5 or 6 times a day and so far so good.

I would like to thank you guys for helping me morally overcome some of my depression and praying for me. It really helps.

I think so long we both remain positive, God has a good plan for the both of us and we'll end up back together... I just have one fear and that is getting angry again, or making her feel uncomfortable. I would like any advice in the field if you can help... I want to get rid of my anger.

On another note:

I have called a couple of lawyers for initial consultations, they have been very helpful giving advice, however, since my case is still in review by the District Attorney there's nothing much they can tell what's going to happen to me, till I receive a letter from them.

Some of the points they did bring up I think I can have on my side is that they recommended I would go to therapy and I said I have been going for 3 months, which is true. Also that my wife would come with me and mention that we are trying to work on our relationship, and that we would eventually re conciliate. And there's the fact that this is a first time offense, so there's a chance they would not be so harsh on me.

Do some of you still think I need to actually hire a lawyer? or do you think that with an appointed one and these points I can still have a good chance to not be convicted?

 

[pete56]

Irish

I know this feels devastating right now, separation is never easy!

But in my experience it can actually make both of you draw closer to each other.

I was separated for six months from my DW some years back and it really cleared my head and I was able to work on my issues.

And DW too was more receptive to the points I raised about her that were adversely affecting our marriage.

We got back together again and our life together (aside from the faith issue) has been just great and we are the stronger for it!

I will keep praying.

By the way we are migrating to here:

http://www.christcenteredforums.com

Join us if you still want Christian Support!

Pete

 

[free4all]

Irishman,

I'm glad for the positive developments and I hope they continue. A couple things trouble me: a one-year separation seems harsh to me based on one incident of you punching a wall and pushing her away from you, especially if this was the first event of its kind. And you seeing your daughter 3 times a week? For how long, a few minutes at a time, or an hour? Or only as long as your wife feels like it? If it goes that route, get the agreements in writing. If you were a wife-beater or a child-abuser, I could understand the limitations imposed on you. But I think one year is harsh.

As far as an appointed lawyer, is it her lawyer? Was the lawyer appointed from the courts? I can't speak for the quality of your lawyer. It's hard enough to judge when you meet them face to face. That's an issue you will need to decide for yourself based on prayer and how comfortable you feel with the lawyer. I would still consider getting some consultations once you receive the letter you mentioned, where they will know more about your situation. I can't speak for all states, but in some places, court-appointed lawyers are either new or those who may not be the best at what they do. If the lawyer appointed to you has anything to do with your wife's lawyer, unless you feel very comfortable, I suggest you find another one.

Your repentance, confession, humility, and counseling with your wife are good: one year to be away from your daughter and wife still seems harsh. Is your wife vindictive? Does she want to be in charge of everything, including when/if you return home? Does she plan to take money from you and run you through the ringer for a year, and then divorce you anyway? If you have no choice, one year and counseling for both of you is better than divorcing now. I would ask for 6 months.

If, toward the end of the separation your wife still doesn't want to get back together, I recommend you start preparing yourself emotionally, mentally, and financially for a divorce. If it goes that route and she is unwilling to live with you (and if it's not because of your anger issues, even if she claims it is), the Bible says you are to let her go. If an unsaved mate is unwilling to live with us, the Bible says we are not under the bondage of that marriage. I believe that means we are free to remarry. Of course, this is far too early to deal with that (hopefully), but it is something to keep in mind if she decides at any point she doesn't want to be married to you.

Based on your descriptions of your wife, I recommend you don't trust her to do things that are in your best interests, regardless of how pleasant she seems now. She may like the way things are now--she threw you out, she has total control in the home, she's getting money from you, and she's calling all the shots right now. You described her as somewhat controlling. If she is, she may want to keep you under her thumb as long as possible. Her conduct during counseling in the coming months may give you a clue as to her true motivation.

I know you don't want to divorce, but there are situations worse than divorce. In my opinion, living with an angry, controlling spouse is one of them.

I pray things go well with you, but you still must protect yourself legally. Do not depend on your wife's mercy.

 

[cory533]

Irishman I agree with Wayne , do not use a lawyer that has anything to do with the wife. Take strong proactive messures to protect yourself. Being arrested is not the same as convicted I would work to keep from getting convicted as this leaves you at a permanent disadvantage in your marriage custody situation. your wife may be different but MANY women in the states will use a stratagy like what I hear your wife is doing to get an advantage. She gets you to admit what did not happen in a form like your letter. she sabotoges your court case and you have no say in what happens from then on. Cotinue councel, there is a specialised feild in anger management the court will likely require it so get the jump on that. if you choose you can get a Christian councelor that will help rather than a hostile court appointed man basher. I would still retain an attorney. preferably one who can deal with all the issues, leagal ,marrital, and imigration if applicable, either himself or in house. If you wait untill you really need an attorney now you may have already lost.
I pray that everything will work out. I also was separated for most of a year 20 plus years ago and we have gone forward from there through rocky times but still together.
Sorry if I seem negative but forwarned is forarmed.And wise councel is worth the price. though yes there are sleazy attorneys out there that will push you away from reconciling so they can get more of your money.Pray about who to use.

 

[ichthusKF]

well...I just found this place now...I had seen it on my husband's PC before this incident happened (when he was at Mass I noticed the site I go to Mass on Saturday night because it works out better for our daughter's sleeping patterns...the middle of Sunday Mass is usually her nap time so it's better to be at home...especially when we can go on Saturday night...my husband refused to go with us and tought the 7 month old baby should conform to HIS way). so I decided to come here and see what he had been writing...since you all seem to know "SOME" of the story...let me flesh it out a bit for you:

1. I DO believe in creation AND evolution...something my estranged husband does not seem to agree on with me BUT is a VALID belief in the Catholic Church

2. He did more than "push" me...and this was by no means the first time he was physical with me...and he has been verbally and mentally abusive throughout the marriage. (The first physical issue happened a year ago when i was pregnant...he wanted me to shut up...so he put his hand over my mouth and nose as he held me down and I almost passed out.) This time around he tried to keep us from leaving to be SAFE and took our 7 month old baby out of her carrier (after swinging it around) and pushed me onto the couch...when I went to try and get her he punched me in the ear and pushed me down with his hand over my throat.


There is more to this...but as I read what you write I feel compelled to tell MY side of the story..there are always two sides and as much as I love my husband...I believe he's minimizing and he does not know how much I really truly love and forgive him. If I were not a forgiving person I would not even think of reconciling our differences. We are and have been in Christian Conseling...

All I ask is before you give sweeping advice to people try to get the other side...and if you cannot get it...remember there are always two sides. This will probably be the last time I visit this site...as I've already been judged unworthy by so many of you.


Oh...and his idea of Christian love was to read the Bible while I took care of our 7 month old daughter and tried to pack up for moving...he spent very little time with her and refused to spend more than 20 minutes alone with her. So please, think before you reply...you may believe I'm lying or that I'm just out for myself...so be it...some of you have not judged me yet...and for that I'm thankful. But again...I do not believe I'll get a fair shake here.



EDIT: I'm not trying to take the baby from him...I'm trying to KEEP HER SAFE...there's a difference. I have no problem with him seeing her...and I understand (looking at the thread now) that this was a few weeks ago...and it explains some of the unneeded fears he was having... I in fact wanted to give him TWO hours twice a week and I am very flexible about how he sees her. HE wants only one hour even though our counselor told us to play it by ear. I am NOT the kind of person who would use a child as a pawn...that's disgusting and abusive.


Edited also to add: I did not throw him out...in fact I moved in with my parents so he would have a place to stay...I did not get an order of protection against him so he could go to our house and not have to stay in a hotel for 3 days. I do want to reconile with him...so please unless you know me...please do not judge me or pretend that you know our situation.

 

[cory533]

well...I just found this place now...I had seen it on my husband's PC before this incident happened (when he was at Mass I noticed the site I go to Mass on Saturday night because it works out better for our daughter's sleeping patterns...the middle of Sunday Mass is usually her nap time so it's better to be at home...especially when we can go on Saturday night...my husband refused to go with us and tought the 7 month old baby should conform to HIS way). so I decided to come here and see what he had been writing...since you all seem to know "SOME" of the story...let me flesh it out a bit for you:

1. I DO believe in creation AND evolution...something my estranged husband does not seem to agree on with me BUT is a VALID belief in the Catholic Church

2. He did more than "push" me...and this was by no means the first time he was physical with me...and he has been verbally and mentally abusive throughout the marriage. (The first physical issue happened a year ago when i was pregnant...he wanted me to shut up...so he put his hand over my mouth and nose as he held me down and I almost passed out.) This time around he tried to keep us from leaving to be SAFE and took our 7 month old baby out of her carrier (after swinging it around) and pushed me onto the couch...when I went to try and get her he punched me in the ear and pushed me down with his hand over my throat.


There is more to this...but as I read what you write I feel compelled to tell MY side of the story..there are always two sides and as much as I love my husband...I believe he's minimizing and he does not know how much I really truly love and forgive him. If I were not a forgiving person I would not even think of reconciling our differences. We are and have been in Christian Conseling...

All I ask is before you give sweeping advice to people try to get the other side...and if you cannot get it...remember there are always two sides. This will probably be the last time I visit this site...as I've already been judged unworthy by so many of you.


Oh...and his idea of Christian love was to read the Bible while I took care of our 7 month old daughter and tried to pack up for moving...he spent very little time with her and refused to spend more than 20 minutes alone with her. So please, think before you reply...you may believe I'm lying or that I'm just out for myself...so be it...some of you have not judged me yet...and for that I'm thankful. But again...I do not believe I'll get a fair shake here.



EDIT: I'm not trying to take the baby from him...I'm trying to KEEP HER SAFE...there's a difference. I have no problem with him seeing her...and I understand (looking at the thread now) that this was a few weeks ago...and it explains some of the unneeded fears he was having... I in fact wanted to give him TWO hours twice a week and I am very flexible about how he sees her. HE wants only one hour even though our counselor told us to play it by ear. I am NOT the kind of person who would use a child as a pawn...that's disgusting and abusive.


Edited also to add: I did not throw him out...in fact I moved in with my parents so he would have a place to stay...I did not get an order of protection against him so he could go to our house and not have to stay in a hotel for 3 days. I do want to reconile with him...so please unless you know me...please do not judge me or pretend that you know our situation.

I do not beleive you have been judged we have given advice based on the input we have been given i beleive you will find much of the input is directed at your husband getting councel and being accountable for his actions. As his version of events is a common instance of course we would councel him to get councel both leagal and spiritual. As we would councel you the same.Yes we have warned him of leagal traps that some women and unscupuless lawyers are likely to try in our system. I still don't know the full story and never assumed I did. I hope that if you look again you will find we have tried to hold him up. pray for both of you and your child, recomend councel including anger management. I pray you will be well and I truely do hope that you will be able to reconcile without putting your child at risk.
Peace in Christ,
Cory

 

[pete56]

icthusKF

Thank you for giving your side of the events, it is always difficult to relate to an incident of this sort when we are only given one persons view of the event!

Sister, I feel for you and your DH and it is clear that you have a long term issue to resolve. I am praying for you both and hope that you will find a way to deal with these issues.

From my experience I have to say that it is always best to focus on things in yourself that need to change as you have direct control over them and do not need to wait for the other person to recognise their responsibility for there actions first.

I can see that you both need to work and to want to work at the issues you have. From what we have heard here you clearly both wish to do that!

Please feel free to come and join in with us at the other site I have posted in here and continue to put your side of this issue. We really are not a judgemental bunch and would love to help you two get your lives back together!

Either way I am praying for you both.

Pete

 

[ichthusKF]

Well...I have decided to give these forums another chance...though now that I'm here I doubt my DH will come anymore. But that's not why I'm here...I'm not here to scare him away...but more to level the story so that if you decide to give one or both of us advice you know both sides...as the saying goes...the truth often lies in the middle. I am not saying I'm lying about anything...but I'm been "Accused" by DH of exaggerating in the past...like "Oh...I didn't remember having my hand over your throat...I just pushed you down and held you there." The nail marks on my neck told a different story. But that's neither here nor there...it is what it is.

One thing I forgot to add is that during all of this violence he had our daughter in his arms. When he hit me the blow could have missed and hit her (then she'd be dead) or he could have dropped or thrown her accidentally...none of that is pleasant to think about nor would have have done on purpose...but the outcome would have been all the same. So maybe now you can see why I worry for our baby as much as I do. That and any time she was fussy when we lived in the same house he'd pass her off to me and go play his Everquest II for hours on end.

Right now the issue is enough money....he's asked me to keep up with the bills...but we don't even have enough in the account to pay our bills and keep the baby in diapers and with food. My parents are picking up the slack for the baby...I've asked him to curtail some unnessecary spending and that has gone over like a lead balloon. Like I'm "trying to control him" is the feeling I"m getting from him. As long as our bills are paid (I mean the needed bills) and the baby is fed and clothed I don't care...I don't buy things for myself and I have not for quite some time. We chose -together- that I would stay home when I had the baby. I'm certainly not with him for the money...there really is not any money to speak of at the moment. He asked me to make sure the bills went out on time every month and I"m trying to do that.
As far as going to the other site I think if I go anywhere I'll stay here..I 'm not going to follow him around and he needs a place he can speak without me there. As long as some of you keep up to date here...I'll stick right where i am if I decide to stick anywhere.

Edit: I just wanted to add a thank you for being open...from reading my description is seems I've been somewhat demonized.

 

[free4all]

ichthusKF,

We realize there are always two sides to the story, but 99.9% of the time we only have one side, so we try to do the best with the information we have.

I am clearly biased because I have seen my mom and my wife lie and play the "victim" part to get their way. I realize not all women are like that, but based on the two women I know the best, any time I hear a woman claim abuse, my first reaction is to remember the lies of my mom and wife. I try to consciously make an effort to override those memories, realizing abuse does happen, but I also realize abuse can happen both ways.

I agree with you: the truth usually lies somewhere in the middle.

You are welcome here any time. I hope you and hubby are able to work things out.

 

[ichthusKF]

Thank you for explaining...I did find that many of your posts were somewhat distrusting of women. I wanted to also add...now that I've re-read my post he actually had our daughter in his right arm and hit me with his left. That may have caused some confusion.

And I wanted to add that I do love him, but even just today he told me...from what I could understand (I could have misinterpreted it) that unless I did things he liked that he would distance himself from me and be indifferent towards me...but if I did things he liked then he would love me. That is such a hurtful feeling--to think I have to do as he wishes or he won't love me. In spite of all of this and all of the anger I love him (I will say some of the arguements were partially my fault...but resorting to violence especially in front of the baby and putting her in danger really out-weighs all of that right now.)
I just want him to get better for him, it will also be good for our daughter to have a good male role model for her to find a good and loving husband who would NEVER lay a finger on her. Staying with him and not demanding he change would doom my daughter to the same fate--that's something I will not do, not to mention that she could get hurt in the crossfire.
I am hopful that things will work out for us and that God will lead us to one another, but my DH has to get to a place where the demons of his past leave him and he is truly willing to be led. This year will be the most difficult one either of us will have ever had. So I may just come here for some support and I do hope that DH stays around as well. As I stated before, I will not go to the other site so that he has a place of his own. Thank you for being so welcoming and not being as judgemental as I first thought, I'll be the first to admit I was wrong about you.

 

[free4all]

And I'll be the first to admit I have issues of my own to deal with concerning women. I forgave my Mom only this summer of things she had done decades ago to my entire family. Still working on forgiving dw for throwing me out and having me arrested based on false charges. The best days are when I don't think about it. She was wrong, period, but refuses to apologize for it. Sometimes my anger over that comes out on other people when I think their situations are similar.

I think everyone will agree (even your husband himself) that he does need to learn to control his anger, or rather, not get so angry in the first place. I hope he is sincere in trying to learn from the counseling sessions. I did misunderstand some of his previous posts where I thought you had thrown him out. He was probably clear--I probably misread it.

Yes, if he has a history of violence, then I do agree a strong stand was needed by you. If you allowed that to continue, I believe you are correct when you say your daughter would likely repeat the cycle when she grew up.

On the other hand, if you provoked a physical confrontation and then complained when you got the worst end of it, then I would feel you would bear the majority of the responsibility. I'm not saying you did, but I know it happens with some couples. You don't need to justify any of your actions to me--I'm no judge, and I'm nobody to you. But I do understand why you wanted to give your side of the story also.

I see your husband as someone who was reaching out for help, who admitted doing something wrong... maybe feeling alone since he is from another country. I've been on a continent where I didn't know a single soul, so I can relate to feeling lost in a new place.

CF is a huge place. Have you found any other areas you like? If you desire anonymity, you could always create another account and keep it private. I'm not trying to run you off, I just suspect you might enjoy some other areas also.

I hope you both have a good support system of Christians, and I hope you both are attending a good church.

I was pretty harsh toward you, and I apologize for that. If you see a post of mine that is harsh toward you, note the time and date. It will be previous to this one.

Praying for you both.

 

[cory533]

Thank you for explaining...I did find that many of your posts were somewhat distrusting of women. I wanted to also add...now that I've re-read my post he actually had our daughter in his right arm and hit me with his left. That may have caused some confusion.

And I wanted to add that I do love him, but even just today he told me...from what I could understand (I could have misinterpreted it) that unless I did things he liked that he would distance himself from me and be indifferent towards me...but if I did things he liked then he would love me. That is such a hurtful feeling--to think I have to do as he wishes or he won't love me. In spite of all of this and all of the anger I love him (I will say some of the arguements were partially my fault...but resorting to violence especially in front of the baby and putting her in danger really out-weighs all of that right now.)
I just want him to get better for him, it will also be good for our daughter to have a good male role model for her to find a good and loving husband who would NEVER lay a finger on her. Staying with him and not demanding he change would doom my daughter to the same fate--that's something I will not do, not to mention that she could get hurt in the crossfire.
I am hopful that things will work out for us and that God will lead us to one another, but my DH has to get to a place where the demons of his past leave him and he is truly willing to be led. This year will be the most difficult one either of us will have ever had. So I may just come here for some support and I do hope that DH stays around as well. As I stated before, I will not go to the other site so that he has a place of his own. Thank you for being so welcoming and not being as judgemental as I first thought, I'll be the first to admit I was wrong about you.

I am glad you posted again it does help us to get a better picture of you than the first post. I think it is wise to cede the other forum to him. as he needs somewhere to deal with other Christians and to blow off steam to people who understand and want what is best for him and his family. Many of us have seen abuse first hand so we are sensitive about it but we also have seen crying wolf about it so we are cautious there too. I will however take sides in this one I choose to take the little girls side. She needs a loving undercontol father in her life preferably in her house.This will be one of the most significant relationships in her life. Obviously as he has admitted comming from an abusive household and having anger issues there are changes needed I hope we can help him in that and if we can help you to find the middle ground on the other issues so much the better.

 

[Pepperoni]

My husband has anger problems that he will not address, and therefore has the potential to be abusive. I make the choice to walk away because I refuse to participate. It's hard for him to be abusive when I'm nowhere in sight.

Like it says in Proverbs, "a soft answer turneth away wrath." If, instead of provoking, women would wait to address issues when both are a little more level-headed, all would be better served.

 

[ichthusKF]

Thank you Cory and Free for your words. He really does need everyone's love and support and I'm glad he's found a place here. I do hope I don't chase him away. I am supporting him the best I can, but I too have emotional wounds I have to deal with including nightmares about past incidents, this was not a one time thing just the first time the police were involved, along with some other fears. Cory- Thank you for taking our daughter's side, she is and always will be my number one priority, I love to take her to Mass she loves the music! And it's a great suggestion to start another account to look around.
Pepperoni, meaning no disrespect; I have walked away MANY times...he follows me. I walk out of the room...he follows me...I go for a walk to get away from the situatin he follows me and threans divorce....in fact I was trying to get out of the situation, packing up the baby in her carrier to leave the house and the sitaution (I even told him you are going to hurt us, please just let us leave, he promised he wouldn't and did anyway) and he grabbed her in her carrier and swung her around and enough of the rest is in the previous post. So, thank you for the suggetion, but that does not work for us. I think this is something he can work on with this counselors and meetings.

 

[Jenniewren]

Hi Ichthus,
I hope you can find some support and friendship here. Most of us post on the other forum now, but I will pop back to see if you are ok.
Reconciliation is never easy and I pray that this will work out for the best for your family.

 

[Pepperoni]

I'm not going to be as nice to you as everyone else is. I'm going to tell it to you like it is. And then I'm going to be done with this soap opera because I have my own life and problems to attend to.

It shows poor form for you to follow your estranged husband around the internet. Yes, you may be the perfectly innocent victim in all of this, but he has acknowledged and accepted that he has a problem and is addressing it and getting help. That's much more than a lot of men are willing to do.

My husband is currently angry and hateful towards me, and is frequently very violent. As such, I have no patience right now for someone playing the victim. Instead of trying to "change" him (because you can't, only he can do that--and he is apparently taking steps in that direction), take this time to focus on yourself and your child instead; including but not limited to: how you're going to financially support this child should your husband (or you) decide he (or, again, you) doesn't want the marriage. You are not owed a free ride simply because you're female and have been pushed a couple of times. Yes, he will be required to provide some support (I'm assuming) but you're also going to need to do your part. And that will probably include you taking some control of your life. It will probably not include micro-managing him.

And be careful about handing down ultimatums. If he's smart, he'll have a few of his own.


That's all.

 

[ichthusKF]

I'm not going to be as nice to you as everyone else is. I'm going to tell it to you like it is. And then I'm going to be done with this soap opera because I have my own life and problems to attend to.

It shows poor form for you to follow your estranged husband around the internet. Yes, you may be the perfectly innocent victim in all of this, but he has acknowledged and accepted that he has a problem and is addressing it and getting help. That's much more than a lot of men are willing to do.


----I HAVE acknowledged he's getting help and I'm proud of him for it...I'm sorry you have your own problems but DO NOT attack ME because you are unhappy. I'm not following him around, you do not know me nor my husband...so you really have no right to make a judgement about our actions on the Internet or otherwise.----



My husband is currently angry and hateful towards me, and is frequently very violent. As such, I have no patience right now for someone playing the victim. Instead of trying to "change" him (because you can't, only he can do that--and he is apparently taking steps in that direction), take this time to focus on yourself and your child instead; including but not limited to: how you're going to financially support this child should your husband (or you) decide he (or, again, you) doesn't want the marriage. You are not owed a free ride simply because you're female and have been pushed a couple of times
---Hmmm..where do I start with this one:
1. I'm not PLAYING a victim, he did not just PUSH me a couple of times...did you not read? He's pushed me and bruised me plenty of times...he's threatend to kill me (while I was recooping from a c-section WITH the baby in my arms while I was in bed...inches from my face saying I better behave or he'd kill me...in fact he took off from work to do that....so angry he left work to come home and threaten me) He threatend to kill our cat. None of these things is he proud of I know that...but those are still things in my mind that haunt me. I am not telling you these things so you hate him or that you feel sorry for me...I want you to get the idea...this is real and not some ploy for attention since you do not know my DH, me nor the situation.

2. I am not trying to CHANGE him...he's trying to change HIMSELF...I am SUPPORTING his will and actions to change. There's a difference.

3. I am working on getting a job again. He refused to watch the baby for any amout of time and basically made it impossible for me to go out and get a job that would cover expenses AND baby care. I AM university educated so I do have a lot of earning potential...I am also not one to live off of others...I stayed home with my daughter for HER good...that's why my DH and I agreed to it.

. Yes, he will be required to provide some support (I'm assuming) but you're also going to need to do your part. And that will probably include you taking some control of your life. It will probably not include micro-managing him.

----- I do not want his money...I don't need it nor do I want it...I just want to be able to pay the bills HE is incurring because they are in MY name as well and it will help him in the long run as well. I don't know where you are getting this from as I mentioned nothing about any of this...so again...do not assume that you know me and make a judgement on my character. I am taking care of myself just fine...I did so before I met him and I am trying to stay hopeful about our future...things will be different if things work out and they will be better. I am not saying I do not need to change the things I have fallen into myself...I am far from perfect but I do not deserve to be physically or mentally abused and I am certainly not going to expose my child to a life like that---I love her more than that.

And be careful about handing down ultimatums. If he's smart, he'll have a few of his own.

-----I am not handing out ANY ultimatums...ultimatums do not work well for human beings...if he cannot change (I mean by this -so you understand my reasoning..since again you do not know me- if he does not have the ability to change) I cannot stay with him, it's too dangerous and no matter how much I love him I won't put my daughter nor myself through that. I am giving him a chance insted of just tossing him aside and saying there's nothing good inside him and he cannot change himself...I KNOW he wants to change and get help...but it's not going to be easy..so again, I am supporting his decision.---


That's all.

----Thank you....I appreciate that you participated, hopfully you are going to be able to deal with your abusive situation. I will not give you advice on it since that is not why you are writing AND I do not know you nor your story nor your husband's story. I hope that God will give you the grace to find your way through however, you seem quite angry in your actions towards me. I certainly did not expect to be attacked on these boards for telling my side and for telling the truth.