Hello new with a question

[david123]

I originally asked this on the mens forum, but not getting alot of feedback[also wasn't aware there was a marriage forum] Anyway I will just copy paste my question.


As you recall me sharing that my wife wanted to be a sahm after this incident, she felt like she wouldn't be tempted in the area of having another affair, and she wanted to focus all her energies on my son and I, the house and everything else that she takes care of domestically. Well this past week she has been dropping hints that she wants to go back to work. I am conflicted because I feel our marriage runs more smoothly when she is at home. I know that if she went back to work, I'd always be wondering if she was cheating on me again. She hasn't directly come out and ask for my blessing yet, but i have been going over and over in my head of how I want to respond to her.

We don't need the money, that is not an issue [although she has mentioned wanting to set aside a little nest egg] Should I let her go back to work, or be the man of the house and tell her that I will not be supportive of her work endeavors?

 

[VHOLLOWAY]

i say ask her about the hints. if she says she does then tell her yall have come to the agree ment that she is to be at home and once you make a comittment she needs to stick with it prayers and good luck

 

[Leanna]

What about part time work? Then she could still take care of your son and the housework, and she wouldn't be away home for too long. She can't have an affair unless you lose track of her general time.

I think it is never wise in a marriage to lay out an ultimatum "I will never support you if you work." etc..... marriage is a partnership and you guys need to talk and come to a conclusion that will make both of you happy.

 

[david123]

How is your marriage? Do you both feel it is 'good'? There is really only faer of an affair when the marrige is rocky and emotional needs are not being met. How old is your son? I personally am a SAHM, but I also attend school part time. I don't think I could be a SAHM without being in school or part time work because I would feel so isolated, and after a while laundry and dishes gets to be BOOOORING and unchallenging, although my son is a challenge in himself. He's a toddler after all.

What about part time work? Then she could still take care of your son and the housework, and she wouldn't be away home for too long. She can't have an affair unless you lose track of her general time.

I think it is never wise in a marriage to lay out an ultimatum "I will never support you if you work." etc..... marriage is a partnership and you guys need to talk and come to a conclusion that will make both of you happy.

I had an affair and my husband and I had to work a lot through it, its not easy. Have you been to counseling? How did the affair end? Does the man live nearby? What kind of affair was it-- emotionally involved?

Err, if you want, maybe I should PM you.

It was an emotional and physical affair. I had suspicions that she 'may' have been fooling around, but I gave her the benefit of the doubt. I found out thru an email, and other various ways. I just think it's too soon for her to go back, it's only been about 5months since the affair and I think her staying at home is a sort of accountability. She cut all ties w/ the guy w/in days after me finding out.

 

[Katydid]

How about offering her other suggestions? Find out what it is about staying at home that is bothering her and give her outlets for that. For instance, if she is having problems with the lack of challenge, sign her up for an online class. If it is boredom with never being out, give her the opportunity to volunteer a couple hours a week. This sort of thing. Address the issue that is bothering her rather than just giving up on the SAHM thing altogether.

 

[Leanna]

...

 

[Leanna]

How about offering her other suggestions? Find out what it is about staying at home that is bothering her and give her outlets for that. For instance, if she is having problems with the lack of challenge, sign her up for an online class. If it is boredom with never being out, give her the opportunity to volunteer a couple hours a week. This sort of thing. Address the issue that is bothering her rather than just giving up on the SAHM thing altogether.

Yes I agree. I don't see the big fear about her leaving the house. You just need to know her schedule. If she works from 2pm to 6pm, and she's home at 6:30, where is this affair going to take place? Can you explain why going to work causes an affair or why you think so?

 

[KinderBee]

No disrespect but I don't feel a spouse has the right to tell their partner what career they have to focus on. If you have to keep track of her all the time then you really have no trust in her. True trust comes only when you have faith that the person will be faithful even when they are not always Trackable . I don't see the harm in her getting a job if thats what would make her happy.

 

[david123]

My son is 2 1/2. She wouldn't dare [hope not] do anything with him around. When she worked full time sometimes they'd get off early and that's when ''things'' happened. So the time thing really won't mean anything to me.

 

[Leanna]

My son is 2 1/2. She wouldn't dare [hope not] do anything with him around. When she worked full time sometimes they'd get off early and that's when ''things'' happened. So the time thing really won't mean anything to me.

Getting off early from a full time job is plausible, but getting off early from a parttime job is unlikely. She should not go back to the same workplace. I understand that you are afraid, but if you hold on too tightly to her you might lose her. If not physically then emotionally. No one likes to have someone control their every move. She can be accountable and respectful towards you..... but I promise that if she wants to work and is unhappy at home and you say NO absolutely not it will only do bad things for your marriage. She may stay home but she will be unhappy and resentful.

 

[bliz]

Have you two been getting any counseling?

CLearly you have not yet come to re-trust your wife. Personally, I don't think there has been sufficent time for you to do so. Does she know that you do not have full trust in her yet? The two of you need to talk about this and it might be easier and more productive with someone to help.

If you wife was staying home so she wouldn't be tempted to have another affair, she was only working on 1/2 of the problem. She also need to do something so that even if tempted, she would not take action. None of us live lives without temptations, we simply can't avoid them all. The challenge is not yielding to them.

At the same time, it is not your place to "let" your wife take a job. Your wife is not a servant to do as you command. She is your partner, the other half of your one flesh, and decisions like this should be made together, not handed down from the "man of the house". I can't help but wonder if yoiur wife was not rebelling against you by having an affair...

 

[4jacks]

Welcome to the Boards that is a tough one, I dunno...

Personally I think if she is going to cheat, it's not going to matter whether she has a job or is a SAHM.

 

[revjayman]

I originally asked this on the mens forum, but not getting alot of feedback[also wasn't aware there was a marriage forum] Anyway I will just copy paste my question.


As you recall me sharing that my wife wanted to be a sahm after this incident, she felt like she wouldn't be tempted in the area of having another affair, and she wanted to focus all her energies on my son and I, the house and everything else that she takes care of domestically. Well this past week she has been dropping hints that she wants to go back to work. I am conflicted because I feel our marriage runs more smoothly when she is at home. I know that if she went back to work, I'd always be wondering if she was cheating on me again. She hasn't directly come out and ask for my blessing yet, but i have been going over and over in my head of how I want to respond to her.

We don't need the money, that is not an issue [although she has mentioned wanting to set aside a little nest egg] Should I let her go back to work, or be the man of the house and tell her that I will not be supportive of her work endeavors?

I personally believe that the wife should not work outside the home. That burden belongs to the husband, but there is a reason she may be suggesting that and you need to find out why.

There is probally something missing in your marriage and a need that is not being met. Change your pase and give her a lot more attention then you have been giving her.

 

[david123]

I read your thread, "Need Serious Counsel," that you started in the Men's Corner. As much as I might like to, considering your reaction to her affair, and as much as it shocked me, to say the very least, I won't comment except to ask if you both have sought counseling.

You mentioned in this current thread that her staying at home is an "accountability" issue with you. You think that five months isn't enough time. Enough time for what?
What strikes me as odd, is that you want her to show her accountability, yet you didn't want to seek counseling because you didn't want anyone to know what happened when you found out about the affair. I can well understand your shame, but I wonder if you shouldn't take into consideration that you, as the husband, should consider taking the first step in accountability. How? You would show accountability by seeking out counsel.

There are many Christian counselors who would be willing to work with you and your wife, keep your confidence, and give you proper direction and guidance.

It almost sounds as though you'd prefer to keep her "hostage" at home, rather than to take steps to build trust.

If you firmly believe that you would never allow to happen what happened last summer, why wouldn't you believe the best of her, too?

Firstly, I think too many of us put too much stock in counseling. People seem to beleive after a few sessions everything will be roses again. I've seen confidences betrayed in counseling, I've seen it actually make marriages worse, or bring them to a standstill. If I was continually abusive, I would have abused my wife before this incident and after. I do not fit the basic pattern of an abuser. The reason of my apprehension [for going back to work] is due to the fact I wasn't honest with her, when it came to her going to work in the first place. I had hoped after the birth of our son, she'd be like most women, content w/ being a home-maker.

 

[Leanna]

Firstly, I think too many of us put too much stock in counseling. People seem to beleive after a few sessions everything will be roses again. I've seen confidences betrayed in counseling, I've seen it actually make marriages worse, or bring them to a standstill. If I was continually abusive, I would have abused my wife before this incident and after. I do not fit the basic pattern of an abuser. The reason of my apprehension [for going back to work] is due to the fact I wasn't honest with her, when it came to her going to work in the first place. I had hoped after the birth of our son, she'd be like most women, content w/ being a home-maker.

Argh.

 

[david123]

wife. I can tell you how to get through this, but you wouldn't be willing to do it, so I can't help you.


Hmmmm, what would that be? Counseling?? LOL. Our relationship is not in the dumps, just bc I asked for replies on one specific subject is not an indicator we have a bad marriage and are in need of counseling. Sometimes peple cheat bc they are selfish, doesn't always mean their spouse is lacking.

I spoke with her today during my lunch, and I brought it up. I asked her if she's been desiring to go back to work lately, she said she misses it, but she knows this way is better. Reading some of the posts here, I realize I am truely blessed to have my wife. I may call her later to see if she can find a sitter tonight so we can go out.

Thanks anyway

 

[Leanna]

Our relationship is not in the dumps

 

[Svt4Him]

No disrespect but I don't feel a spouse has the right to tell their partner what career they have to focus on. If you have to keep track of her all the time then you really have no trust in her. True trust comes only when you have faith that the person will be faithful even when they are not always Trackable . I don't see the harm in her getting a job if thats what would make her happy.

True trust doesn't come when people are unfaithful, that's denial.

Someone who's had their trust blown to bits needs time to heal from it. If you made the decision to stay with your wife after the affair, she has to realize there are consequences to it. One of those may be taking the time to heal before jumping out there again. Since it was found through CSI techniques, it is a bit harder to build the trust, so take it one bit at a time.

 

[Cordy]

What I read in here is control. I suspect there are some control issues. The fact that you want your wife to stay home so she won’t cheat sounds controlling. You can’t lock your wife up like Repunsel. You should want her to remain faithful to her vow because her husband loves her, meets her needs and encourages her as a person. You can't control another person, and you shouldn't try.

The fact that you beat her up, and didn’t notice how bad until her blood was on your hands says a lot about control. It appears you became so angry because your wife cheating meant you were loosing control, in so doing, lost your own self-control at that moment. I don’t care if you did it once, or regularly, that is wrong, and needs to be dealt with. Have you sought help? Have you sought a way to deal with the root of this? Who are you accountable to?

I would just suggest that you try to go to counseling. Not even just marriage counseling, just go for a session yourself, and say you want to deal with the fact that you severly beat up your wife, and want help to make sure you don’t do it again.

I watched a program a few years ago that looked at the “cheating” factors of various wives, and which was most likely the cheat. The one that had the highest opportunity to cheat was the housewife who had a small child – especially one that is not having her needs met in the marriage. If my husband *ever* hit me, I would NOT feel safe, emotionally secure, or loved and respected. The fact that your wife said she felt worthless and that she deserves to be abandoned by you, even after you beat her up, says that she is not fulfilled emotionally, and needs help.

I think you are right – your marriage is not just in the dumps. Rather, the cheating, low-self esteem, sever beating, and fear of a loss of control screams that it in dire need for help in order to survive. If you want to save your marriage long-term, yes, I think you should seek counseling. Please please please consider this. Even if you don’t think it will work, please give it a try. I think a truly strong marriage is most definately worth the investment.

 

[Leanna]

What I read in here is control. I suspect there are some control issues. The fact that you want your wife to stay home so she won’t cheat sounds controlling. You can’t lock your wife up like Repunsel. You should want her to remain faithful to her vow because her husband loves her, meets her needs and encourages her as a person. You can't control another person, and you shouldn't try.

The fact that you beat her up, and didn’t notice how bad until her blood was on your hands says a lot about control. It appears you became so angry because your wife cheating mean you were loosing control, in so doing, lost your own self-control at that moment. I don’t care if you did it once, or regularly, that is wrong, and needs to be dealt with. Have you sought help? Have you sought a way to deal with the root of this? Who are you accountable to?

I would just suggest that you try to go to counseling. Not even just marriage counseling, just go for a session yourself, and say you want to deal with the fact that you severly beat up your wife, and want help to make sure you don’t do it again.

I watched a program a few years ago that looked at the “cheating” factors of various wives, and which was most likely the cheat. The one that had the highest opportunity to cheat was the housewife who had a small child – especially one that is not having her needs met in the marriage. If my husband *ever* hit me, I would NOT feel same, emotionally secure, or loved and respected. The fact that your wife said she felt worthless and that she deserves to be abandoned by you, even after you beat her up, says that she is not fulfilled emotionally, and needs help.

I think you are right – your marriage is not just in the dumps. Rather, the cheating, low-self esteem, sever beating, and fear of a loss of control screams that it in dire need for help in order to survive. If you want to save your marriage long-term, yes, I think you should seek counseling. Please please please consider this. Even if you don’t think it will work, please give it a try. I think a truly strong marriage is most definately worth the investment.

I completely agree, especially about the controlling issues. A good marriage takes work and communication and humbleness. You both have to admit when you are wrong and be humble enough to seek help when you clearly need it.