Hello new with a question

[Svt4Him]

Oh just ignore this.

 

[david123]

My wife is going to respond in the next post.

 

[david123]

Hello, I will not give my name due to security reasons, but yes I am david123 wife. He did not coax me to come on here to defend him. Over dinner he told me he came here asking for advice, and suggestions,and some of the replies he received. I was really surprised (in a good way) that he would be so concerned about our marriage that he would take the time out of his busy schedule and write all of this.

I want to clear one thing up, although my husband abused me one time (in 4 1/2 yrs of marriage) does not make him a monster. We are supposed to be christians, and we are supposed to be forgiving. If he can forgive me for my tresspass, than surely I can forgive him. This is one of the very reasons I didn't run out and tell a bunch of women at my church, they would have all told me to divorce my husband. They don't know his heart like I do, and neither does anyone here. I will not go into the why's of the affair, what's done is done, and that's neither here nor there, we are trying to move beyond that. My husband is a very gentle man, regardless of what took place in August. Yes in a way that has changed us as a couple bc now I flinch even if he raises his arm to get something out of the cupboard, but it is a consequence of my sin against him and God. He is still very remoresful over it, and has promised never to hit me again. I trust him. I know I have to earn my trust back, and I believe it will be won back by my actions etc.

Yes I miss working, but I have ample time when my son is in school full time. I need to learn to be content where I'm at, and that is one of my weakness's. My husband thought I wanted to go back to work because sometimes after a stressful day at home, I would say things like, at least I never wanted to pull my hair out at work, or at least I could have adult conversations at work, it was basically me just letting off steam. I didn't think he would take me seriously, but to see it nothing more as me venting.

Our marriage is far from perfect, but far from dissasterous too. We could probably benefit from counseling, but it's not a battle I choose to pick right now. I really don't want it at my church, because I just don't want to go there and reveal all this stuff with people we fellowship with weekly. Us christians can sometimes be the most judgemental people on earth. Well this is getting a bit lengthy, and I need to go love on my husband. Thanks for listening.

Blessings

 

[Cordy]

Hello David’s wife,

It is great to hear from you!

I just want to respond to a few things you noted. You said:

If he can forgive me for my tresspass, than surely I can forgive him.

Forgiveness is wonderful and exactly what is needed in marriage. But the person seeking forgiveness needs to do more than just say “I’m sorry” – they need to do all they can to not do it again. There are some major issues in a man to make him hit his wife. Issues don’t make him a monster, but they are certainly something he needs to deal with. And to truly deal with them, he needs to figure out why he would allow his anger and frustration to have such a uncontrolled and harmful response. This truly needs help. He might be a great guy, and if he is, that should be all the more reason why he would do anything, including seek anger help and counsilling, to make sure he doesn’t hurt you again.

I trust him.

If you trusted him, you wouldn’t flinch. My heart cries out that you flinch at your husband. Please, seek counseling to fix this so you *don’t have to flinch* -- so that this really can be behind you.

Yes I miss working, but I have ample time when my son is in school full time. I need to learn to be content where I'm at, and that is one of my weakness's.

It is obvious that you are not content where you are at right now. Why not? It is not a weekness to be discontent. If you are not content, you shouldn’t be blaming yourself, but asking what in your situation makes you discontent, and how can you change that. After what you two have been through, it would be really helpful to have an outsider listen and help you work through these things.

We could probably benefit from counseling, but it's not a battle I choose to pick right now. I really don't want it at my church, because I just don't want to go there and reveal all this stuff with people we fellowship with weekly.

What do you mean counseling is a battle you don’t want to pick? Who would you be picking a battle with by going to counseling? The counselor is not there to fight you, but to help you two work through these things that will continue to fester beneath the surface unless dealt with.

You don’t have to go to counsilling at your own church. Find another church that can help you. Find a confidential Christian counsilling service.

Again, I think it is wonderful that you posted, and I am glad to hear were you are coming from. So in return, I will be frank with you. If you want to continue to flinch and feel discontent, then continue as things are, keeping this dark secret as a skeleton in your closet. When you are ready to move forward and truly grow as an individual, embrace life, embrace joy, and grow in a truly strong marriage, then seek help and go to counseling. We all need it sometimes. And if more of us went, we wouldn’t have the marriage problems that we do. As for anonymity, you can always come on here under an alias and PM any of us.

 

[Svt4Him]

He's holding out on trusting you until he feels you've been accountable enough, is that it? Wasn't the beating enough?

Not that I've read about this beating, so I am really answering out of ignorance, but no it's not enough. I in no way mean it was ok, but it's a horrible response to a deep pain. You may be able to realize it can't be done again, but that doesn't automatically build trust. Personally I wanted to kill my wife...I'll spare the details of what happened. Few people understand the emotions. But what happens in the heat of anger is way different than what happens in the rebuilding process.

I agree with you in all but this. That to me is one of the sad parts of finding out this way, and equally sad that one won't look in the mirror to see what's up.

 

[Leanna]

Hello, I will not give my name due to security reasons, but yes I am david123 wife. He did not coax me to come on here to defend him. Over dinner he told me he came here asking for advice, and suggestions,and some of the replies he received. I was really surprised (in a good way) that he would be so concerned about our marriage that he would take the time out of his busy schedule and write all of this.

I want to clear one thing up, although my husband abused me one time (in 4 1/2 yrs of marriage) does not make him a monster. We are supposed to be christians, and we are supposed to be forgiving. If he can forgive me for my tresspass, than surely I can forgive him. This is one of the very reasons I didn't run out and tell a bunch of women at my church, they would have all told me to divorce my husband. They don't know his heart like I do, and neither does anyone here. I will not go into the why's of the affair, what's done is done, and that's neither here nor there, we are trying to move beyond that. My husband is a very gentle man, regardless of what took place in August. Yes in a way that has changed us as a couple bc now I flinch even if he raises his arm to get something out of the cupboard, but it is a consequence of my sin against him and God. He is still very remoresful over it, and has promised never to hit me again. I trust him. I know I have to earn my trust back, and I believe it will be won back by my actions etc.

Yes I miss working, but I have ample time when my son is in school full time. I need to learn to be content where I'm at, and that is one of my weakness's. My husband thought I wanted to go back to work because sometimes after a stressful day at home, I would say things like, at least I never wanted to pull my hair out at work, or at least I could have adult conversations at work, it was basically me just letting off steam. I didn't think he would take me seriously, but to see it nothing more as me venting.

Our marriage is far from perfect, but far from dissasterous too. We could probably benefit from counseling, but it's not a battle I choose to pick right now. I really don't want it at my church, because I just don't want to go there and reveal all this stuff with people we fellowship with weekly. Us christians can sometimes be the most judgemental people on earth. Well this is getting a bit lengthy, and I need to go love on my husband. Thanks for listening.

Blessings

Violent behavior does not come out of no where and then return to no where. It is a habit badly built upon and one that could return at any time. Perhaps before this beating or after he pounds his hands on the table when he's mad, scaring you even while not meaning to. Maybe he hits walls or throws things. I can only imagine. Unfortunately enough for myself I've been through this, being hit by a man and I still flinch as a result. I understand forgiveness. But you can't chalk violent behavior up to "I can forgive him" and not seek professional help. I will never believe for one minute that this beating came out of no where and that it will never be seen again. You flinch because you know he is still capable and if you push him too far it will return. I learned to avoid pushing too hard, you probably have learned this too. The unfortunate thing about this defense mechanism is that it impedes real communication and real secure love between the couple. There is never an excuse to beat your wife. He needs professional counseling.

I also understand the thing about Christians being the most judgemental people on earth. I've been through that, actually, I still go through that as a result of this. But I think that is entirely separate from the issue of him needing counseling for anger management and you guys needing counseling as a couple to gain proper healing. If you get a big gash and don't go to see the doctor for stitches its going to heal improperly and always be a festering pain. Affairs are like that. You don't just walk on without dealing with the problem. It is oversimplified to say that affairs are selfish. Yes, they are selfish, and yes they are a sin. But to assume that an emotionally charged affair came out of no where and then not to fix the "cause" is ignorant. Emotionally charged affairs don't just appear in a good marriage, they fill a hole left by the marriage. It is really hard to move on.

Since you are unwilling to go to counseling, you could try taking this Emotional needs questionaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html Maybe you guys can make some changes based off of each of your needs. I can only guess based off limited information, but he sounds like a "domestic support" and "admiration" kind of guy, like that is what he desires most from you. The different emotional needs are affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, financial support, domestic support, family committment, admiration. It is good stuff and maybe it can help you guys. There is also a lengthy section on infidelity as well as a support forum for those who have been through it.

I am a SAHM and I know what you mean about the pulling of hair out. I have a 15 1/2 month old and he is a strong willed child and things are already a battle with him. And the lack of adult conversation is hard too. One way I get adult conversation is right here. I don't have to leave my house, I can write PMs, and it doesn't use any gas. I also attend college part time. Had you came here first and started a thread about feeling like an isolated SAHM many women here would have completely understood and recommended things like a mother-baby group, a class, or maybe even part time work. Your husband is wrong about "most" women being perfectly happen to stay isolaed at home. The women who are most happy as SAHMs have outlets and other things that keep them sane. You should find some of those for yourself, assuming that your husband will not control that aspect also.

I assume then that you are planning on only having one child, since you mentioned returning to work in a few years. I hope you guys have discussed this and agreed upon these things. It sounds like one of your problems is communication. He said that he always thought you would stay home after kids and be happy with that, but you apparently went back to work. So just make sure that your future plans are mutually agreed upon so that both of you can be happy.

 

[david123]

Hi,

Why do you feel you have to defend your husband?

I haven't read one post from him defending you on this thread or over in the men's corner. I'm going to answer your post by placing it in quotes with blue font, and responding to those quoted portions. (My replies take several posts, because it seemed easier to read).

"He did not coax me to come on here to defend him. Over dinner he told me he came here asking for advice, and suggestions,and some of the replies he received."

Why not take the time to read all the replies yourself? Or, don't you get computer access when he's not home?

"I was really surprised (in a good way) that he would be so concerned about our marriage that he would take the time out of his busy schedule and write all of this."

hmmm...don't you wonder why he didn't take time out of his busy schedule to just speak with you in the first place. Communication is essential in a marriage.

"I want to clear one thing up, although my husband abused me one time (in 4 1/2 yrs of marriage)"

Once in 4 1/2 years! I am so sorry this happened to you. Oh, this shouldn't happen once in a lifetime!

"..does not make him a monster.

What does it make him?

Well, I had hoped to clear up any confussion, but looks like I created more. I will try to respond to all your replies.

About why he didn't communicate with me about this. Men are not like women. We think about something and speak it the moment we think about it. Sometimes men will mull over something and wait for the appropriate time to bring it up. Obviosly he wanted to know if he would be wrong or over reacting for not letting me go back to work. He had planned on talking to me about it, just when the time was right. It's not like he's been mulling over this for months!

 

[david123]

You must have missed where he stated he was remorseful. Let me share something I did not in my original post. Whenever I flinch, he is there to put his arms around me, he is there to apologize all over again, and say things like how he wish he never reacted that way. My husband has shed tears over what he did more than a few occasions. I don't know if there is a litmus test to show one is repentant, but his actions prove that he is both repentive and remorseful. You're right it, shouldn't have happened, either should my affair.

In your posts you seem to be implying that my husband controls me, doesn't let me leave the house, and doesn't let me get on the computer. These subtle accusations are so far from the truth. I do leave the house from time to time, to go to the mall, visit a friend, attend a church function or what have you.

I am not a chatty person when it comes to bulletin boards. This is one reason, because people tend to misinterpret,or twist what you say. My husband may not have come across as sorrowful enough for you, but maybe that's because he doesn't convey his true thoughts and emotions over a chat board well enough.

 

[david123]

This is a continuation of my reply to post #26 by the wife of David123. Portions of her post are in blue, and my response follows.

"Yes I miss working, but I have ample time when my son is in school full time. I need to learn to be content where I'm at, and that is one of my weakness's."

This is so sad. You are taking the burden for your marriage upon your shoulders, and it seems your husband is willing to let you do that. It's not always a weakness to have discontent. Many times it's what moves people forward.

"My husband thought I wanted to go back to work because sometimes after a stressful day at home, I would say things like, at least I never wanted to pull my hair out at work, or at least I could have adult conversations at work, it was basically me just letting off steam. I didn't think he would take me seriously, but to see it nothing more as me venting."

See, this is what I mean. There isn't good communication here. He can't tell when you're letting off steam? After 4 1/2 years of marriage, why couldn't he just ask? I think he is still extremely hurt by the affair, but won't admit that.

This gives me great concern and I'll be praying for you. Since he has been posting about your marriage for months on CF and mentioned posting in another place before that too, it is my opinion that he hasn't come to terms with things. He could blow up again, and while it may not be a beating, any hitting is wrong. This is where counseling can be of such help.

We have been in a few heated arguments since this happened, and he hasn't so much raised his hands to me. If he were prone to do it again, wouldn't he have done it every time he got angry with me?

So I take it you and your hubby never misunderstand one another? I take it you never get his body language or tone wrong?

 

[david123]

Not that I've read about this beating, so I am really answering out of ignorance, but no it's not enough. I in no way mean it was ok, but it's a horrible response to a deep pain. You may be able to realize it can't be done again, but that doesn't automatically build trust. Personally I wanted to kill my wife...I'll spare the details of what happened. Few people understand the emotions. But what happens in the heat of anger is way different than what happens in the rebuilding process.

I agree with you in all but this. That to me is one of the sad parts of finding out this way, and equally sad that one won't look in the mirror to see what's up.

I've noticed the tone on this forum seems more accusatory and judgemental than the mens forum. It seems women do go with their emotions, and feel their emotions are right in their judgements. This is not a slam on all who replied here, but I can't help but to notice the tone is different from male to female.

Oh, this is david 123 wife replying to these last 3..or 4 posts.

 

[david123]

Violent behavior does not come out of no where and then return to no where. It is a habit badly built upon and one that could return at any time. Perhaps before this beating or after he pounds his hands on the table when he's mad, scaring you even while not meaning to. Maybe he hits walls or throws things. I can only imagine. Unfortunately enough for myself I've been through this, being hit by a man and I still flinch as a result. I understand forgiveness. But you can't chalk violent behavior up to "I can forgive him" and not seek professional help. I will never believe for one minute that this beating came out of no where and that it will never be seen again. You flinch because you know he is still capable and if you push him too far it will return. I learned to avoid pushing too hard, you probably have learned this too. The unfortunate thing about this defense mechanism is that it impedes real communication and real secure love between the couple. There is never an excuse to beat your wife. He needs professional counseling.

I also understand the thing about Christians being the most judgemental people on earth. I've been through that, actually, I still go through that as a result of this. But I think that is entirely separate from the issue of him needing counseling for anger management and you guys needing counseling as a couple to gain proper healing. If you get a big gash and don't go to see the doctor for stitches its going to heal improperly and always be a festering pain. Affairs are like that. You don't just walk on without dealing with the problem. It is oversimplified to say that affairs are selfish. Yes, they are selfish, and yes they are a sin. But to assume that an emotionally charged affair came out of no where and then not to fix the "cause" is ignorant. Emotionally charged affairs don't just appear in a good marriage, they fill a hole left by the marriage. It is really hard to move on.

Since you are unwilling to go to counseling, you could try taking this Emotional needs questionaire: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi4501_enq.html Maybe you guys can make some changes based off of each of your needs. I can only guess based off limited information, but he sounds like a "domestic support" and "admiration" kind of guy, like that is what he desires most from you. The different emotional needs are affection, sexual fulfillment, conversation, recreational companionship, honesty and openness, physical attractiveness, financial support, domestic support, family committment, admiration. It is good stuff and maybe it can help you guys. There is also a lengthy section on infidelity as well as a support forum for those who have been through it.

I am a SAHM and I know what you mean about the pulling of hair out. I have a 15 1/2 month old and he is a strong willed child and things are already a battle with him. And the lack of adult conversation is hard too. One way I get adult conversation is right here. I don't have to leave my house, I can write PMs, and it doesn't use any gas. I also attend college part time. Had you came here first and started a thread about feeling like an isolated SAHM many women here would have completely understood and recommended things like a mother-baby group, a class, or maybe even part time work. Your husband is wrong about "most" women being perfectly happen to stay isolaed at home. The women who are most happy as SAHMs have outlets and other things that keep them sane. You should find some of those for yourself, assuming that your husband will not control that aspect also.

I assume then that you are planning on only having one child, since you mentioned returning to work in a few years. I hope you guys have discussed this and agreed upon these things. It sounds like one of your problems is communication. He said that he always thought you would stay home after kids and be happy with that, but you apparently went back to work. So just make sure that your future plans are mutually agreed upon so that both of you can be happy.

There have been changes we have made to improve our relationship, and we didn't need a counselor holding our hand to make these changes. No couple is perfect, and in that sense every couple that has an argument needs to schedule a counseling appointment because they aren't wise enough to deal with their own problems.

Another point I forgot to make to prof, that I'll make now. Just because I still flinch does not mean I fear my husband. If a rape victim flinches everytime a man (her hubby even) puts his hand around her waist, is she necesarily scared of her hubby, because she is reacting out of a past traumatic event?

I have known two women who were hit only once by their husbands,without any future violence to errupt. We need to stop buying all the psychobabel that says one can NEVER truely be delivered from sin.

I'm sorry if I come across rude, I just feel like I can't say what I want to say without being straight and to the point. I'll let my husband handle this from here on out, if he so chooses to continue.

 

[Leanna]

Best wishes.

 

[Cordy]

Another point I forgot to make to prof, that I'll make now. Just because I still flinch does not mean I fear my husband. If a rape victim flinches everytime a man (her hubby even) puts his hand around her waist, is she necesarily scared of her hubby, because she is reacting out of a past traumatic event?

Such a victim needs help and most definitely needs counseling, guidance and healing to move on.

Don't be fooled to think that because there is a female sign next to my name that my thinking is based my emotions. My thoughts of your husband's posts are based on studying enough of these type of scenarious to see an unhealthy pattern. It does indeed pull an emotional thread that a man would dare hit his wife, let alone as severely as he did you, but I would be shocked and disgusted if a man didn't feel the same way about such an act. My husband read your husband's thread, and was equally upset that a man would dare do such a thing. Do you know what upset him the most? That your husband won’t seek help – that is the disturbing part -- that he is hiding it.

If your husband opened up and confessed this to someone, and sought some accountability and help, then it would not be the horrible dark secret that it is; it would be part of a testimony of a guy who was humble enough to admit he has a problem that would encourage others who might be struggling with hiding similar issues that powerful healing that can truly come with bringing it out, dealing with it, and truly moving forward with the help and support of other believers. Same with you; if you were able to open up and confess this to a counselor, and seek help as to how to move forward, you, too, wouldn't have this dark secret to hide. You would be free to heal, grow and move on.

Your husband still appears to have some clear control issues. I strongly suspect that was behind his beating you, behind him asking whether he should be the “man of the house” and not wanting you to work. Until you deal with the root of the problem, you will always have it festering. You can dismiss logic, rationale, years of studying and statistics as “psychobabble” if you wish, but that doesn’t dismiss the truth that such things have found regarding relationships. But it seems much easier to hide things then bring them to light and deal with them. But I guarantee the latter is the better choice.

I will say it again, when you get tired of making excuses for a man who beat you up and could have killed you, tries to control you and being discontent, seek help from a counselor.

 

[Svt4Him]

There have been changes we have made to improve our relationship, and we didn't need a counselor holding our hand to make these changes. No couple is perfect, and in that sense every couple that has an argument needs to schedule a counseling appointment because they aren't wise enough to deal with their own problems.

Another point I forgot to make to prof, that I'll make now. Just because I still flinch does not mean I fear my husband. If a rape victim flinches everytime a man (her hubby even) puts his hand around her waist, is she necesarily scared of her hubby, because she is reacting out of a past traumatic event?

I have known two women who were hit only once by their husbands,without any future violence to errupt. We need to stop buying all the psychobabel that says one can NEVER truely be delivered from sin.

I'm sorry if I come across rude, I just feel like I can't say what I want to say without being straight and to the point. I'll let my husband handle this from here on out, if he so chooses to continue.

That may be, but I don't just dismiss it off hand either. I know two people who were killed by people without any future violence either, but they're still dead. My friend was killed on her doorstep while her three children slept.

I don't think it shows a pattern, but I don't think glossing over it helps at all either.

 

[MsJL]

My husband is a very gentle man, regardless of what took place in August.

Yes in a way that has changed us as a couple bc now I flinch even if he raises his arm to get something out of the cupboard, but it is a consequence of my sin against him and God.

God wants you to flinch?

I feel bad for you, but geez... Your poor baby.

BTW, hub, you have absolutely no right to anything more out of the wife. You took God's place and exacted vengeance and "discipline", so now it's done. Get off it. Don't blunt your crime by focusing on her actions.

 

[MsJL]

I've noticed the tone on this forum seems more accusatory and judgemental than the mens forum. It seems women do go with their emotions, and feel their emotions are right in their judgements. This is not a slam on all who replied here, but I can't help but to notice the tone is different from male to female.

Perhaps that's because more women wind up dead at the hands of their "husbands" than the converse?

Wondering why you're really here.

 

[MsJL]

Oh my goodness. He blamed you for the affair, which I can't fault. But he also blames you for his actions. It makes me so sad to hear you flinch when he raises his arm. I can't imagine what you experienced back in August.

Don't know if anyone else already answered, but this is what happened last August:

I've been happily married for 4yrs and we have a 2yro son. Our marriage wasnt/isn't spectacular nor is is it the dumps. Past two months my wife has been acting distant, so I decided to do a little snooping! Long story short I found out she was having an affair w/ a man adjacent to her work building! When she got home I confronted her, and she tried to lie at first, then I showed her the evidence,to which she then fessed up! At that point I lost it, went ballistic and beat her like you would a grown man. I finally regained my senses after I saw blood on my hands. I apologized profusely and felt terrible for what i did. She forgave me, as I forgave her for cheating on me. I really don't feel like i have forgiven her, bc i'm still very hurt and no longer trust her!

And...

It took almost two weeks for her bruises to go away, and her eye was closed shut for about a week.

This guy thinks he still has a bone to pick with her.

Here's the thread:

http://www.christianforums.com/t1972641-need-serious-counsel.html

 

[Svt4Him]

Don't know if anyone else already answered, but this is what happened last August:

I've been happily married for 4yrs and we have a 2yro son. Our marriage wasnt/isn't spectacular nor is is it the dumps. Past two months my wife has been acting distant, so I decided to do a little snooping! Long story short I found out she was having an affair w/ a man adjacent to her work building! When she got home I confronted her, and she tried to lie at first, then I showed her the evidence,to which she then fessed up! At that point I lost it, went ballistic and beat her like you would a grown man. I finally regained my senses after I saw blood on my hands. I apologized profusely and felt terrible for what i did. She forgave me, as I forgave her for cheating on me. I really don't feel like i have forgiven her, bc i'm still very hurt and no longer trust her!

And...

It took almost two weeks for her bruises to go away, and her eye was closed shut for about a week.

This guy thinks he still has a bone to pick with her.

Here's the thread:

http://www.christianforums.com/t1972641-need-serious-counsel.html

Wow. After reading that, I kind of wonder why 'they're' here too.

 

[david123]

Thanks for all of the replies guys. I wonder why no one copied my post where I said my wife and I shared what happened with a 3rd party?? With all due respect some of you are acting like this hppened yesterday. It was almost 5months ago. Your reactions is the very reason why we didn't want to reveal this to anyone at our church. Alas, my wife and i discussed this further, and i told her if she really thought we could benefit from counseling, I'd be willing to go, but it'd have to be someone we don't know.

Wanted to set the record straight and then I'm done. I am not proud of what i did, and I knw it was wrong, like my wife said i could have revealed how i felt alot better. It is not easy sharing that you beat your wife. I thought it might be easir doing it anonymously, but i guess not. We still think the best decision is for her to stay home, and it has nothing to do w/ ME being controlling,and everything about wisdom. I am not holding my wife captive[although I'm sure some of you think that]

Again thanks for the replies

 

[Leanna]

With all due respect some of you are acting like this hppened yesterday. It was almost 5months ago.

I just think it's too soon for her to go back, it's only been about 5months since the affair and I think

Trying to stay out of this, but just can't resist. Its funny how when it comes to beating your wife its 5 months ago, long past, but when it comes to her affair its only been 5 months since *you* are the victim of that.

Double standard.