Hello new with a question

[Leanna]

I just want to say that seeking counseling does not mean telling the entire church. My husband and I went to a professional Christian counselor and it turned out he went to our current church. He never told a soul and was professional about the whole thing. He never acted like our situation was unheard of or that we were beyond repair. And our story sounds similar to a stupid soap opera show and is embarrassing. I know how you feel. I really think counseling is a positive experience and would be for you too, the trouble is simply getting past the preconceived notions you have that the counselor will judge you and that others will find out. It really isn't true. My husband and I waited too long to go to counseling also and it was these same things that held us back. We were afraid and prideful. Do not let your pride hold you back from helping you marriage become better, how did you wife put it:

Our marriage is far from perfect, but far from dissasterous too. We could probably benefit from counseling, but it's not a battle I choose to pick right now.

She explains your marriage as far from perfect. Wouldn't it be great to have a wife that really adored your every move? Don't you want the kind of marriage you guys hoped for when you got engaged? Do you really want "less than perfect but far from disasterous"?

My intention was never to emotionally beat you into the ground. If you can't see that you have problems then you can't see that you need help. I gave you an alternative in that website of a way to self-counsel but rather than say "hey thanks thats an idea I will try" you and your wife dismissed me as using "psycho babble" or something like that. I can tell you this, I've walked through this fire. I know the pain and the tears on both sides and the fight to keep on going. If you want to live in denial that there is a problem and pronounce your marriage healthy then there is nothing that anyone can do to help you, but I can really see that there are some issues between the two of you and I think that a counselor could help you to fall more in love than before.

 

[Shesjr]

As I mentioned before bro, i told my wife if counseling is something she really wants, I will comply. Right now she is on the fence about it too. She doesn't feel our marriage is in grave danger.

Maybe she is too fearful to tell you how she is really feeling. Remember, she still flinches at the raise of your arm! I would bet that she will go along with anything you say or not insist on something she thinks you don't want just to not be beaten like that agian.

Mrs David, please know that I am praying for you. God help you sister.

 

[marciebaby]

I am really concerned. My ex-husband had a "one-time-episode" like David. He was terribly remorseful, promised to be better, etc.

Two years later he snapped again, only this time he crushed our 9 month old baby's skull. Both of you (David and Mrs. David) please be careful.

 

[david123]

I am really concerned. My ex-husband had a "one-time-episode" like David. He was terribly remorseful, promised to be better, etc.

Two years later he snapped again, only this time he crushed our 9 month old baby's skull. Both of you (David and Mrs. David) please be careful.

Ugh, I am so sorry that happened to your baby Is he/she ok?
This is Mrs David, I would create another account but I don't plan on being a regular poster here.

My hubby filled me in on the ongoing post and I told him I'd sit down and read it after our son went down. Here is the deal with the counseling. There are a few posts that stuck out to me, and there have been good points made. My husband made the comment (after discussing some things said here) that if I really wanted to go, he'd go for my sake,but he'd rather it be someone we don't know. What is the big deal w/ that?? Counseling is counseling is it not??!

MLS, I feel you overly attacked my husband, I actually thought some of the other posts were harsh, until I read yours. You sound like maybe you were abused or grew up watching abuse and painted my husband as someone who abused you. I don't know what I can say to make you guys realize he is NOT a wife beater!!! A wife beater is someone who *continually* beats his spouse.

Have any of you ever done one thing, only to regret it, and never do it again?
It's almost like I am supposed to be paranoid or something. I will say it again, I DO NOT FEAR MY HUSBAND!! If he had so much control over me, and caused me great fear, do you think he would even allow me to post here?

Leanna thank you for your last post, it's easier to read when your not on the defense all the time. My hubby can be a card sometimes but he means well, and there are good qualities to him that you can't see. As I said before, some good points were made, and has given me something to chew on.

 

[Leanna]

he'd rather it be someone we don't know. What is the big deal w/ that?? Counseling is counseling is it not??!

Actually I would definitely recommend it be with someone you don't know. That is really a good idea. I also don't recommend pastors as most of them are not sufficiently trained. (For my husband to have a Pastoral Ministries degree and become a licensed minister in our denomination, for example, it took one Pastoral Counseling class )It is better when there are no preconceived notions about who you are and your personalities, if that makes sense. Like I mentioned the guy we ended up getting went to our church, but we didn't know him, there are three separate services. He was just too good and we felt comfortable with him so we stuck with him anyway.

 

[david123]

Sorry that this happened in your (both of you) life..

I've read it all & just have one point to make..

Anyone can make a mistake.. you.. she.. me.. anyone..

But one has to make up his mind.. one way or the other..

Can you trust again?? Nothing will ever work again if you can't..

Forgive.. (not necessarily forget) and move on..

Trust is the key..

Thank you Glenda!! That is *exactly* what we want. We want to be able to move on. I want my hubby to be able to fully trust me the way he once did.The violence was so out of character for him, I really don't fear him doing it again. I really don't see me angering him to the point of no control again either. I know it's hard to seperate reacting out of a past experience (flinching) to a present day fear. It's hard to explain that just because I occassionally flinch does not mean I fear my husband.

Thank you for your kind reply!

 

[david123]

Actually I would definitely recommend it be with someone you don't know. That is really a good idea. I also don't recommend pastors as most of them are not sufficiently trained. (For my husband to have a Pastoral Ministries degree and become a licensed minister in our denomination, for example, it took one Pastoral Counseling class )It is better when there are no preconceived notions about who you are and your personalities, if that makes sense. Like I mentioned the guy we ended up getting went to our church, but we didn't know him, there are three separate services. He was just too good and we felt comfortable with him so we stuck with him anyway.

Thank you. It's nice to finally be understood

 

[Tattered]

I'm married to a wonderful man too ... but things were not always to great. He had an emotional affair a few years ago, and I almost left him. I was angry enough that if I had been a phyiscally capable of doing it I would have 'beat the stuffing' out of him too.

Instead I went and got counselling. My husband refused to do so. It was the best thing I ever did for myself. I learned I had some issues to work out. It was painful ... no ... it was excruciating. It was the most difficult I'd ever done, but my marriage survived and I'm a better person for it.

My issues ... I'm not afraid now to discuss them now. I allowed myself to become a non-person. I was so busy trying to please my husband that I lost who I was. Of course he got bored with me. I wasn't proud of myself and I wouldn't stand up for myself. I was either angry and/or depressed.

I'm not justifying my husband's behavior. He repented and broke off the relationship. I've learned to speak my mind and I've found significance in Jesus and who God created me to be. Our marriage is good now, not because I'm pleasing my husband, but because I'm pleasing God and loving my husband honestly and without losing myself.

I think what I'm trying to say is that regardless of your issues and regardless of whether or not your spouse is agreeable, you should go to a wise and Godly counsellor who will help you be honest with yourself and your spouse. You will be amazed at the difference it can make.

 

[Svt4Him]

Ugh, I am so sorry that happened to your baby Is he/she ok?
This is Mrs David, I would create another account but I don't plan on being a regular poster here.

My hubby filled me in on the ongoing post and I told him I'd sit down and read it after our son went down. Here is the deal with the counseling. There are a few posts that stuck out to me, and there have been good points made. My husband made the comment (after discussing some things said here) that if I really wanted to go, he'd go for my sake,but he'd rather it be someone we don't know. What is the big deal w/ that?? Counseling is counseling is it not??!

MLS, I feel you overly attacked my husband, I actually thought some of the other posts were harsh, until I read yours. You sound like maybe you were abused or grew up watching abuse and painted my husband as someone who abused you. I don't know what I can say to make you guys realize he is NOT a wife beater!!! A wife beater is someone who *continually* beats his spouse.

Have any of you ever done one thing, only to regret it, and never do it again?
It's almost like I am supposed to be paranoid or something. I will say it again, I DO NOT FEAR MY HUSBAND!! If he had so much control over me, and caused me great fear, do you think he would even allow me to post here?

Leanna thank you for your last post, it's easier to read when your not on the defense all the time. My hubby can be a card sometimes but he means well, and there are good qualities to him that you can't see. As I said before, some good points were made, and has given me something to chew on.

You're husband beats you so bad it takes weeks to heal, and weeks to open your eyes, and you sit there with the gall to preach at someone because they called a spade a spade?

Perhaps you are here to hear what you want, so be it. If one of my friends did that to someone I know, I know what I'd do. And if I ever did it to my wife, I would hope she'd be brave enough to call the cops. Yet you sit there and defend it?

And it's equally sick how he describes it. I can say I hit my wife, but there's something out of whack to say: I hit her again and again, not an inch of her body was left untouched, her eyes were swollen shut, it took two weeks for one to open, months for the bruises to heal. She still can't walk right, and when I raise my hand she trembles in fear...oops. Then to say any guy who would do something like this is a dog is somehow wrong? And we haven't even touched on the affair and what caused that to happen.

Sorry, I find both of you either live in some surreal world or you fit my favorite poem:

Roses are red, violets are blue
I'm schizophrenic and so am I.

 

[lin1235]

I notice David's now edited the original post where he described how he beat his wife to a pulp... guess the responses it evoked here weren't what he was looking for. But I have to say although some here have been quite harsh, nothing that was said here left bruises that takes months to heal...

 

[PastorofMuppets]

i have read this thread from the beginning and also in the mens forum
i think i even posted a couple thoughts

i am now beginning to believe this poster is a troll that is taking you all for a ride.
Yes, i believe that none of this ever happened. The op with the details about the beating lead me to that conclusion. Wouldnt the shame of doing that to your wife prevent you from coming up with the best series of adjectives possible? I think david123 is playing everyone here. It makes perfect sense to me. I can't believe i was duped by this poser. I think he has gotten enough attention here.


Im convinced

 

[MsJL]

MLS, I feel you overly attacked my husband, I actually thought some of the other posts were harsh, until I read yours. You sound like maybe you were abused or grew up watching abuse and painted my husband as someone who abused you. I don't know what I can say to make you guys realize he is NOT a wife beater!!! A wife beater is someone who *continually* beats his spouse.

I assume you're addressing me. I'll speak under that assumption.

I'd rather not continue to post on this discussion, as I've had my say, and the purposes for David's presence here are fraudelent. So please don't address me directly after this.

And if you're intending on not posting on a regular basis, then there's no reason for me to discuss anything with you about your personal life - besides, your mind is made up.

As to the abuse swipe, you're absolutely correct. And your stance is a tedious, manipulative measure that the faint of heart will use to silence the 70% of people who have been or are abused by a spouse. I've asked those who throw that cynicism out there before, and would still like an answer: What truly healing changes have come about without impetus? I do wish those who dismiss trauma survivors because of their own fears would approach the inceptor of MADD with the same condescension.

As a tangential comment: One of the of the (innumerable) tragedies of this TV generation is the melodramatic, movie-of-the-week belief system that one who has experienced trauma is subsequently unable to comment on the relevant issue without hysteria - very unbiblical. If you are a Christian, you should know better. I can certainly understand why those who have incentive to discredit would adopt that position, but it's emotinally and intellectually lazy. At best. At worst, it's in and of itself an attempt to erase another's life.

i have read this thread from the beginning and also in the mens forum
i think i even posted a couple thoughts

i am now beginning to believe this poster is a troll that is taking you all for a ride.
Yes, i believe that none of this ever happened. The op with the details about the beating lead me to that conclusion. Wouldnt the shame of doing that to your wife prevent you from coming up with the best series of adjectives possible? I think david123 is playing everyone here. It makes perfect sense to me. I can't believe i was duped by this poser. I think he has gotten enough attention here.


Im convinced

I'm sure many people considered that possibility. Regardless, the thread was useful, because it brought to light some attitudes and beliefs amongst those witnessing such situations which needed to be addressed.

IMO, the situation is genuine. He may even be reenacting his past with a woman who escaped him; however, if the situation is real, I believe that the purposes of the OP were twofold: First, to further intimidate the target with his brashness - I'm sure he didn't expect as much of a hassle as he got here; second, to find the justification and support to beat her again. Abusers need to vindicate themselves before an episode, as well as after. Much of that involves creating the image they need in order to grant themselves permission to be violent. It's not uncommon for them to "seek help" just before an episode, because first, it draws others in to their camp, as the supportive ones give cudos for his honesty and his desire for asistance. Then, after the batterer has presented how "unstable" he is, it's easier it is to "lose it" later, you know?

So, I'd like to take off now. I request that I not be addressed here again - appreciate it.

 

[david123]

Yea, that's right we're trolls <rolleyes> SVT, nice adlibbing. Never said she couldn't walk right and it took months to heal [i said two weeks, but my wife corrected me and said it wasn't even that long] I mentioned her flinching as a consequence of my actions. If you took that as bragging, that's your deal.

For the 5th time can a mod please lock this. The sooner the better so all the happy perfect little couple can go back to their respective soap boxes.

 

[Svt4Him]

Yea, that's right we're trolls <rolleyes> SVT, nice adlibbing. Never said she couldn't walk right and it took months to heal [i said two weeks, but my wife corrected me and said it wasn't even that long] I mentioned her flinching as a consequence of my actions. If you took that as bragging, that's your deal.

For the 5th time can a mod please lock this. The sooner the better so all the happy perfect little couple can go back to their respective soap boxes.

Never said you were a troll, I said it's nuts how you both respond.

PM a mod, they may not read every thread, so it's best to ask them directly.

 

[david123]

Never said you were a troll, I said it's nuts how you both respond.

PM a mod, they may not read every thread, so it's best to ask them directly.

Thanks bro, who are they? Oh and I was talking about puppet master on the troll thing. Never mind, just figured it out.

Thanks to the guy that just sent me a message, I'll try to figure out how to respond.

 

[erin74]

Closed at OP's request.