Heavy Empty Arms

[MissVegas]

Heavy Empty Arms..........

I had posted this on my blog... but found this forum.... I will most likely post one other post from my blog here... It helps to have support....



I am not as tired as I expected to be... although I am quite tired after my looooooooooong day. It is 5 minutes til midnite and I am running a bath. I have had a very good day for the most part... However I have had some tearful moments as well...
Which means I am definitely in pms mode. I get very emotional around this time... and Donny doesn't understand. I think alot of it is a uterus problem... I know this sounds ...odd... but I will explain... and apparently I have decided to rip the band-aid off the wound of miscarriage.
When I was 21 I became pregnant out of wedlock. I didn't tell anyone because I figured if I ignored it...well it would just *POOF* be gone. (I know this idea didn't work for my mother-in-law either)
I was about 3 months along when I miscarried. I felt that I had no one that I could tell... My mom had given a baby up for adoption...that had torn her life apart... I didn't want to disappoint my dad. My fiancee at the time...was grateful... this meant no money out of pocket for him to dole out on an abortion... although I would have never done that. I think that THIS was where I began my first bout with depression. I cried alot and slept alot. I gained weight... and my arms felt so incredibly empty and it was a heavy emptiness that I still can not explain. When I would see babies I would start crying uncontrollably... and I knew that I had officially made basket-case status. My doctor put me on prozac and I still grieved... I still grieve. Each year that would pass I would think... Wow my baby would be 1,2, 10, 12... and this year my baby would be driving. 16.
Before I married Donny I was completely up front about my life. I told him about my baby... and he was so wonderful and sweet he asked if I had ever named my baby... he said it might bring some closure. I had always felt that the baby was a boy and that his name was Noah John. But I am not sure if there will ever be closure... You just don't suffer as much or think about it with every breath you take.
Donny and I have never used birth control... We decided to let the Lord give us children in His time. I became pregnant a few years ago, I had told Donny that I thought there was a problem, and he thought I was being whiny told me that he didn't think that I was pregnant and not to make a mountain out of molehill.. he didn't want me overthinking...overanalyzing... and over-mooding over brooding the entire weekend. Sunday evening I had told him "Honey I really don't think this is a normal cycle... I think something is wrong do you think I am bleeding too much" Well... He just went nuts... "i don't know! I am not a doctor... and I am not coming in there." I figured I must be putting too much into what was happening and went to bed.
The next day I went to work and my supervisor looked at me and asked me what was wrong... She was more like a friend to me and I told her what had happened... She made me call my doctor right there. They made me go home and get all of my discarded feminine products... and had me bring them into the office. (I apologize for the t.m.i. moment) I drove home my heart was beating and I kept my sob in my throat... if I didn't cry ... if I didn't think... if I didn't do anything but drive it wouldn't be so. I just kept telling myself " I won't think about that now... I will think about it later... " ( my mom has always called me Scarlett O'hara..) As I was driving I was thinking "What if I get pulled over... what if they want to check my purse... how do I explain this... how ridiculous is this situation that I am driving with what could be my baby in my purse?"
The doctor sent all my 'specimins' to the lab and I was sent home with antibiotics and some other drugs that i can't remember. And when they called to tell me 'i am sorry mrs. olzer you did have a miscarriage' I decided that in order to keep from making a mountain I wouldn't tell Donny about my molehill that no longer was. It was a few months later when he asked if the dr had ever gotten back to me... I told him then... he was so angry that I didn't tell him... But he really hadn't given me a choice... so I suffered in silence again.
A year later another miscarriage... this time Donny was right on top of the situation. These two pregnancies I didn't even know i was pregnant until I lost the baby. Donny has felt so guilty about not being there for the first one .. that he took extra time and effort and care ...was involved in every moment of the miscarriage...holding my hand ... wiping my tears. ( I knew he had it in him... It just took longer to find the sensitive side.)
This brings us up to two years ago...Donny and I had gone to Williams Arizona to ride the train into the Grand Canyon. We went with friends but it was such a romantic trip... (hmmm) Soon after I was queazy and found that I do not like to dry heave AT ALL. Donny prodded me to see a doctor and I did. When I went in the office I explained how I was feeling ... and they examined me. My doctor smiled and said "Honey your not sick your pregnant" I left the office in shock... I couldn't breathe... "how on earth did i get pregnant?" ( I know it sounds stupid...but when your not expecting it you ask) I called Donny in the car and started bawling ... I was terrified and amazingly enough I wasn't excited and/or happy. I was FREAKED OUT. I asked him to please not tell anybody til I got back my tests... I didn't want to tell anyone til everything was ok. I went to the lab and they drew so much blood. I went home and Donny came home from work with roses and a teddy bear...It was a Tuesday that I will never forget. I cherish it in so many ways that ... only my heart can know or understand. I was a mommy... I was going to be this child's mommy.
then...
Thursday was the first day I spotted. That feeling of dread that i had swimming around in the back of my head came crashing to the front. I was ...devastated. That feeling of heavy..empty arms was fresh and new. i kept thinking 'God how can you be so cruel to let me find out I am pregnant only to rip it away" and i cried bitterly... and angrily. I couldn't worship ... and it only got worse because two months later my oldest (step) daughter moved out in rebellion. It only added to my list of things that made me less than a "real" woman.
Donny cried and asked that we not try anymore. He didn't think HE could take another miscarriage.
Looking back two years later. I can see that God had a plan. He HAS a plan. I know NOW that he wasn't being cruel by not allowing this child to be born. I have walked through the coals and ashes of the lonliness and suffering of miscarriage and I find that when I wasn't able to be strong that God was my strength. I can rejoice in the fact I will see all of my children again... and i am at peace with this. I do not understand the "whys" or the reasons God chose how He did ... But I trust in the plan that God has set for my life... and even though I have walked through bitter flames barefoot...My faith is stronger because of it. It is late and I hope that all of this makes sense... if not there is always the edit button.

 

[MissVegas]

Good Grief!!!
Here is the other one


Today has been an emotional one.. I woke up fine... a little tired from the night before... But on track... We had invited Rachel's friend Kaitlin to church... so definitely no sleeping in today.
I got up started the shower, turned the coffee pot on... and let the puppies outside... it has been freezing here in las vegas... We had tickets to Nascar and gave them up so we didn't have to sit in the cold... 38 degrees... stinks. We live in the Desert it is supposed to be warm!!!
Pastor started his sermon on a favorite saying of Charlie Brown... "Good Grief!" The principle verse was : Romans 8:18 18I consider that our present sufferings are not worth comparing with the glory that will be revealed in us.
He talked about how we may grieve... but we do not grieve like unbelievers do. We have hope and joy in Jesus Christ... and know that death though sad is only temporary in the eternal scheme of things.This is why GOOD grief... There will always be grief and always be pain and suffering while we are on this side of heaven. BUT it only lasts a short time. We grieve but we also have hope! We also have knowledge that THIS is not all there is.

Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.

1 Corinthians 13:7 NLT

But those who wait on the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall
mount up with wings like eagles, they shall run and not be weary,
they shall walk and not faint.
--Isaiah 40:31​

He shared a story of one of our Pastor's and His wife that happened 2 years ago. .. They were 36 weeks pregnant with a little boy and that little boy went home with Jesus at 36 weeks gestation. She had to go through the whole birth and delivery. And he read her journal entry from that day. It was full of hope and love and joy... joy in knowing that child for 36 weeks. (You can access this sermon at www.hopebaptistchurch.com
in their sermon library)
My heart crashed inside me as spoke ... I felt like I might implode. All of the pain that I have been holding for two years came to the surface in great sobs.
You see in August 2004 I lost my baby at 15 weeks gestation and 3 weeks later I lost my oldest daughter in her rebellion. These last two years have been the most painful thing I have ever experienced in my life. I have suffered tremendously in silence... When inside I was screaming for someone... anyone to notice. I would smile and put on my mask and say "Everything is Fine today!" When that was a lie.
I would try to convince myself that the pregnancy wasn't that important... I have lost other babies... But in truth I was a little excited that I might be able to see the fruit of my womb.
I wept when my baby went to be with Jesus... And then I closed myself off ....I didn't want to hurt anymore but that was all there was.
I have let go of little things... a little at a time. But this was a hurt that I held fast in my heart. I couldn't let it go... because then what I felt wouldn't be pretend anymore. I would have to face the real part of my emotions and grief.
I wasn't prepared to be joyful about my loss... I wasn't prepared to Bless God for the experience. But Today as I lifted my hands in praise to God I lifted those burdens to him... and I let them go. I was able to say good-bye to little Hannah Grace... and yes those emotions are real... and raw and painful. But thank you Jesus for allowing me to love that baby for the 3 months I was given. For knowing that she was inside and that she was and is loved. I can praise God for holding my hand even in the pits of my suffering ... That there is joy in knowing that my child is experiencing what I long to experience... the life eternal ...in the presence of God Almighty.
Blessed Be YOUR Name
Blessed be your name
In the land that is plentiful
Where the streams of abundance flow
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
When I'm found in the desert place
Though I walk through the wilderness
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
Blessed be your name
When the sun's shining down on me
When the world's all as it should be
Blessed be your name
Blessed be your name
On the road marked with suffering
Oh, There's pain in the offering
Blessed be your name
Every blessing you pour out,
I turn back to praise
When the darkness closes in, Lord
Still I will say...
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your name
Blessed be the name of the Lord
Blessed be your glorious name
You give and take away
You give and take away
My heart will choose to stay
Blessed be your name

If you are experiencing grief or suffering through a circumstance.. There is someone who understands and is ready to comfort you... You do NOT have to suffer alone. God is prepared to take your burden the weight of what you are holding on to... and carry it for you if you let him. I have heard for years the saying Let Go... Let God... But unless you actually LET GO of what pain you are holding on to... God can't take it from you. This could be the pain of disappointment ... or insecurity... of loving someone who didn't love you back... of not measuring up... of losing a child whether through death or through the heartbreak of rebellion. You can have HOPE that THIS is for a moment in the eyes of the eternal. If you are curious about this HOPE that I have and do not have a personal relationship with Jesus... ASK ME. I will be glad to share with you my reasons for this hope. God has NOT left your side... he is waiting for you to turn and look in His direction.

 

[Just4Jesus]

Heavy Empty Arms..........

I had posted this on my blog... but found this forum.... I will most likely post one other post from my blog here... It helps to have support....



I am not as tired as I expected to be... although I am quite tired after my looooooooooong day. It is 5 minutes til midnite and I am running a bath. I have had a very good day for the most part... However I have had some tearful moments as well...
Which means I am definitely in pms mode. I get very emotional around this time... and Donny doesn't understand. I think alot of it is a uterus problem... I know this sounds ...odd... but I will explain... and apparently I have decided to rip the band-aid off the wound of miscarriage.
When I was 21 I became pregnant out of wedlock. I didn't tell anyone because I figured if I ignored it...well it would just *POOF* be gone. (I know this idea didn't work for my mother-in-law either)
I was about 3 months along when I miscarried. I felt that I had no one that I could tell... My mom had given a baby up for adoption...that had torn her life apart... I didn't want to disappoint my dad. My fiancee at the time...was grateful... this meant no money out of pocket for him to dole out on an abortion... although I would have never done that. I think that THIS was where I began my first bout with depression. I cried alot and slept alot. I gained weight... and my arms felt so incredibly empty and it was a heavy emptiness that I still can not explain. When I would see babies I would start crying uncontrollably... and I knew that I had officially made basket-case status. My doctor put me on prozac and I still grieved... I still grieve. Each year that would pass I would think... Wow my baby would be 1,2, 10, 12... and this year my baby would be driving. 16.
Before I married Donny I was completely up front about my life. I told him about my baby... and he was so wonderful and sweet he asked if I had ever named my baby... he said it might bring some closure. I had always felt that the baby was a boy and that his name was Noah John. But I am not sure if there will ever be closure... You just don't suffer as much or think about it with every breath you take.
Donny and I have never used birth control... We decided to let the Lord give us children in His time. I became pregnant a few years ago, I had told Donny that I thought there was a problem, and he thought I was being whiny told me that he didn't think that I was pregnant and not to make a mountain out of molehill.. he didn't want me overthinking...overanalyzing... and over-mooding over brooding the entire weekend. Sunday evening I had told him "Honey I really don't think this is a normal cycle... I think something is wrong do you think I am bleeding too much" Well... He just went nuts... "i don't know! I am not a doctor... and I am not coming in there." I figured I must be putting too much into what was happening and went to bed.
The next day I went to work and my supervisor looked at me and asked me what was wrong... She was more like a friend to me and I told her what had happened... She made me call my doctor right there. They made me go home and get all of my discarded feminine products... and had me bring them into the office. (I apologize for the t.m.i. moment) I drove home my heart was beating and I kept my sob in my throat... if I didn't cry ... if I didn't think... if I didn't do anything but drive it wouldn't be so. I just kept telling myself " I won't think about that now... I will think about it later... " ( my mom has always called me Scarlett O'hara..) As I was driving I was thinking "What if I get pulled over... what if they want to check my purse... how do I explain this... how ridiculous is this situation that I am driving with what could be my baby in my purse?"
The doctor sent all my 'specimins' to the lab and I was sent home with antibiotics and some other drugs that i can't remember. And when they called to tell me 'i am sorry mrs. olzer you did have a miscarriage' I decided that in order to keep from making a mountain I wouldn't tell Donny about my molehill that no longer was. It was a few months later when he asked if the dr had ever gotten back to me... I told him then... he was so angry that I didn't tell him... But he really hadn't given me a choice... so I suffered in silence again.
A year later another miscarriage... this time Donny was right on top of the situation. These two pregnancies I didn't even know i was pregnant until I lost the baby. Donny has felt so guilty about not being there for the first one .. that he took extra time and effort and care ...was involved in every moment of the miscarriage...holding my hand ... wiping my tears. ( I knew he had it in him... It just took longer to find the sensitive side.)
This brings us up to two years ago...Donny and I had gone to Williams Arizona to ride the train into the Grand Canyon. We went with friends but it was such a romantic trip... (hmmm) Soon after I was queazy and found that I do not like to dry heave AT ALL. Donny prodded me to see a doctor and I did. When I went in the office I explained how I was feeling ... and they examined me. My doctor smiled and said "Honey your not sick your pregnant" I left the office in shock... I couldn't breathe... "how on earth did i get pregnant?" ( I know it sounds stupid...but when your not expecting it you ask) I called Donny in the car and started bawling ... I was terrified and amazingly enough I wasn't excited and/or happy. I was FREAKED OUT. I asked him to please not tell anybody til I got back my tests... I didn't want to tell anyone til everything was ok. I went to the lab and they drew so much blood. I went home and Donny came home from work with roses and a teddy bear...It was a Tuesday that I will never forget. I cherish it in so many ways that ... only my heart can know or understand. I was a mommy... I was going to be this child's mommy.
then...
Thursday was the first day I spotted. That feeling of dread that i had swimming around in the back of my head came crashing to the front. I was ...devastated. That feeling of heavy..empty arms was fresh and new. i kept thinking 'God how can you be so cruel to let me find out I am pregnant only to rip it away" and i cried bitterly... and angrily. I couldn't worship ... and it only got worse because two months later my oldest (step) daughter moved out in rebellion. It only added to my list of things that made me less than a "real" woman.
Donny cried and asked that we not try anymore. He didn't think HE could take another miscarriage.
Looking back two years later. I can see that God had a plan. He HAS a plan. I know NOW that he wasn't being cruel by not allowing this child to be born. I have walked through the coals and ashes of the lonliness and suffering of miscarriage and I find that when I wasn't able to be strong that God was my strength. I can rejoice in the fact I will see all of my children again... and i am at peace with this. I do not understand the "whys" or the reasons God chose how He did ... But I trust in the plan that God has set for my life... and even though I have walked through bitter flames barefoot...My faith is stronger because of it. It is late and I hope that all of this makes sense... if not there is always the edit button.

Hello to you and God Bless Your Soul. Your story has moved my heart and my soul. God Bless You for your Strength and what you have Endured. You are in my thoughts today, I will not ever forget your story. How strong you are and you have grasped the very depths of my soul. You are an inspiration.

 

[MissVegas]

Hello to you and God Bless Your Soul. Your story has moved my heart and my soul. God Bless You for your Strength and what you have Endured. You are in my thoughts today, I will not ever forget your story. How strong you are and you have grasped the very depths of my soul. You are an inspiration.

Thank you for your encouragement... Scripture says that God's strength is made perfect in our weakness... I know that to be true... when I felt lowest or completely discouraged.. God would send someone to me ... or encourage me with a message... or an anonymous card would show up.

God made it possible to wake up in the morning ... and was my strength... Thanks for responding... I look forward to hearing from you again sometime.

 

[MissVegas]

Well... I usually have more UP days than down... but, for the last few days down seems to be the norm...

I am angry with my uterus. I know this sounds silly but, I am .

I seriously well half seriously contemplated tattooing a bullet hole over the offensive organ. Because it doesn't work in the first place, and well... I can't really shoot myself... so ...
I have been spending some extra time praying ... and praying some more... I am tired of feeling like half of a woman...more actually not a real woman...
Real women can conceive and have babies...right?
I know that, isn't a rational thought but who's rational...
I think this is mostly a pms thing... my emotions are all over the place... here there and wackyville...
All is mostly good I am still handling with humor... or trying.
GOD is good.
God IS good
God is GOOD!!
I wish that I felt like uber-christian tonight and that I could say that I have found some nifty verse or something that is soothing my spirit or speak some extra special christianese that speaks to someone else...
But tonite... I really don't know how I feel ... I am angry with my uterus and not God ... and I am tired.
Other than that life is groovy...

 

[bornagain-053184]

wow iam SO sorry for all that has happend/ god bless you and Donny and your strength i dont know how you did it. i lost my daughter when i was 19 weeks along. me and her father are no longer together we seperated when i was 3 mos along. he didnt know i was having his baby till she had left us i didnt know how to tell him i was scared. i didnt want to be withsomoen just because i was having his baby. long story short this is all before i was a bornagain christian. since then its been very hard. i have been told since i was 16 i would never have kids and when i was preggers with Neveah i was soo excited and the lord took my mirical baby from me.. it hurts alot i cry all the time i try to look on the bright side but its hard worst thing is all my friends are having babys and are not trying im the one who wants one so badly since mine has been taking and i cant. since the misscaraige and all the opperations i have so much scare tissue it will be 70 times harder to concive but when that day comes i will do everything in my power to keep my baby. i have a god sone and now a god daughter and let me tell you when i hold Kayleigh in my arms and feel the pain of missing Neveah its like she looks at me and smiles and lets me know everything is going to be ok. i love her so much shes 2 mos old.. my Neveah would be 17 mos old now. and it hurts everyday... i dont know how you did it so many times... god bless your strength, xoxox love yas

 

[MissVegas]

wow iam SO sorry for all that has happend/ god bless you and Donny and your strength i dont know how you did it. i lost my daughter when i was 19 weeks along. me and her father are no longer together we seperated when i was 3 mos along. he didnt know i was having his baby till she had left us i didnt know how to tell him i was scared. i didnt want to be withsomoen just because i was having his baby. long story short this is all before i was a bornagain christian. since then its been very hard. i have been told since i was 16 i would never have kids and when i was preggers with Neveah i was soo excited and the lord took my mirical baby from me.. it hurts alot i cry all the time i try to look on the bright side but its hard worst thing is all my friends are having babys and are not trying im the one who wants one so badly since mine has been taking and i cant. since the misscaraige and all the opperations i have so much scare tissue it will be 70 times harder to concive but when that day comes i will do everything in my power to keep my baby. i have a god sone and now a god daughter and let me tell you when i hold Kayleigh in my arms and feel the pain of missing Neveah its like she looks at me and smiles and lets me know everything is going to be ok. i love her so much shes 2 mos old.. my Neveah would be 17 mos old now. and it hurts everyday... i dont know how you did it so many times... god bless your strength, xoxox love yas

oh sweetie... I am so sorry for your loss... Please know that God did not take your miracle from you to wound you. He has a reason and a purpose for everything... I wish we could understand the "why's" but , sometimes it is just not FOR us to understand.
Losing a baby at 19 weeks must have been devastating... But look at the small miracle... you CAN get pregnant. There is so much HOPE in that .
There is also hope in the fact that you are a Christian, and your baby... Neveah is going to welcome you home one day. (not comforting now.. but will be one day.)
I am praying for God to restore your joy. That He will bring peace to your heart and soul. That the sorrow you feel now will be turned to great joy.

I am here if you need me...

 

[MissVegas]

Today...is a BAD day. I have been kind of weepy but had to suck it up before I got home. (Donny hates when I bring up the loss and how it still hurts.) I think that it makes him feel bad when I get funky.
And... I am definitley in a funk.

I am the 3rd day of my cycle and I am pretty broken up today. Hormones and emotions are running rampant.

I hate the fact that most days...I am just fine. I don't think about things... But something inside me clicks and I am dwelling and wallowing...feeling like a failure...

Then I am angry because I should be past this ... but I keep going back. I am trying to figure out what snapped this... I think it is because my (step) daughter called me Sharman instead of mom... I never refer to her as my step daughter to her face or other people... I wouldn't mention it here but this is WHY I am here... feeling this way.

Real parents don't get called by their first name unless it is a joke. Real parents don't ever feel fake. Real parents... are real...
and I am not.

I have a friend who had a baby a year ago... and all she does is pawn the baby off onto her 14 year old daughter... the 14 yr old has no free time she is always babysitting... if the baby is sick she stays home with the baby while my friend goes to work. **What is WRONG with this picture??**

Here in Vegas there was a toddler found in a dumpster... this precious gift was thrown away like a piece of garbage...

and yet my womb has remained vacant.
I won't say that "its not fair" nothing is fair... I believe God is just but I don't understand. I have been grieving for little Hannah for 2 years and I know the good. I believe the good. but it doesn't make it easy.

LORD...
THIS is a wound that won't close...opens easy and bleeds often.
and I wonder... God ? have you forgotten me?
my tears are bitter and pain-filled.
God? can you hear me?
I trust you with everything. Help me!
My strength is not my own today.. I can not stand without you Jesus.
Please take away the pain and tears that come so easily and frequently.
Help me find the joy in this grief. Help me to find peace ... Father I want you to be sufficient. Sufficient for all my needs .. for all my grief...May I be satisfied with your love and all that I have in you. Give me grace that I am not weak... Let my failures my weakness... my insufficiency be your victory... your glory... In jesus name Amen

 

[MissVegas]

I have been in kind of a funk lately...

My next door neighbor had her baby... and my husbands coworker Jeff and his wife had their baby. Babies are surrounding me... I love babies... and hate my own defunct uterus. It is hard to go and visit newborns... I love to share the joy of the new parents... but I ache inside. It makes me feel fake.

But Donny drags me along anyway. Everything that is unspoken between us echoes. Donny doesn't like to talk about miscarriage...my my feelings on my uterus... my lack of conceiving or anything to do with the subject of baby having. He feels I should just be happy with what God gave me ... Which is his children... 2 of which can't really stand me... and sabotage me ... 1 of which wants me to be mom one day and calls me by my first name when she doesn't ...

Which widens the cavern. My heart burns inside from the ache... I am satisfied with the children God gave me... please don't misunderstand. It just hurts to not have unconditional love from your child/children.

My husband brought home a shih-tzu puppy that we named Mollie... and I have found myself overcompensating through the puppy... I buy the puppy clothes and toys whenever I go to the store. My mother thinks I am nuts... because I take the puppy pretty much anywhere I go... and if I go for too long ... I get a sitter.

am I hopeless?!

I think that it would be easier if God took my womb from me. Surgically removed. Then there would be no hope... As long as there is hope there is another month of disappointment. Another month of tears that I cry alone. Another month of feeling like a failure...of feeling helpless...angry... and so many other emotions.

I know that God will bring beauty from the pain that I feel... I receive that. But right now ...I am not comforted. I believe in God's plan for my life that it is the perfect plan. But if the plan includes not fulfilling my dream ...my wish... my desire... my prayer... Then make my heart not want it so badly. Deaden the desire...Remove it from my heart.

If this is what Paul spoke of using the terms "thorn in the flesh" Is this my thorn?

Help me to find the joy I do not feel when it comes to this issue in my life...

Let what I have be sufficient.

Suddenly
Superchic[k]

She feels lost in her life
Treading water just to keep from slipping under
And she wonders if she's where she's supposed to be
Tired for trying to do it right
Her dreams are just to far away to see how steps she's making
Might be taking her to who she'll be
And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine

And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here

She feels locked in her own life
Scared of what she might lose if she moves away from who she was
And she's afraid of being free
There's a way she knows is right
She can't feel the things she knows
And so each step she's taking is a step of faith toward who she'll be


And here where the night is darkest black
She feels the fear and the light is farthest back
And through her tears she can't see the dawn is coming
Skies will clear and the light will find her where she's always been.

And suddenly it isn't what it used to be
And after all this time it worked out just fine
And suddenly I am where I'm supposed to be
And after all the tears I was supposed to be here