He would be 18 now if I'd let him live

Hisrosebud said:

oh my gosh, can you believe? After I wrote that; I cried and cried and cried-- then I went shopping. Do I need therapy or what? Shopping here that is, I bought a blue guitar ( Jason got one that year for his birthday and use to worship with it) and a paintball and put it on my post to remind me to pray for him . . . . . . only God can reach those innermost places to draw him to a heart of worship again...

Jane

Click to expand...

ShannonMcCatholic said:

Prayers for you and your sweet babies (one of whom is nearly a legal adult- but to me they'll always be my babies!)

Thank you for pouring your heart out- it has moved me to my depths- remeber that Jesus loves you- you, His little daughter Jane-- even more than you love your children--infinitely more (which always blows my mind that anyone could love me that much!)!! When I am feeling really down I just read Romans 8 over and over again!

Click to expand...

forgivenmuch said:

i hope and pray that all the ladies on this thread are healed of thie pain, as i read thru all the post i seen so much guilt pain and heartache. i loss a child when i was pregnant, and it hurts. only God knows what we go thru. i am so thankful to have people to talk to about the baby. each and everyone of us that has lost a baby thru a miscarriage or abortion, will never be forgotten. they will live in our hearts. and when we get to heaven they will be waiting for us with open arms. i am sad that we dont have them in our lifes, but yet rejoice that they are waiting for us in heaven. what a day that will be when we see jesus and our children. i am so thankful that we have each other and we can talk about our losses and have encouragment. that is what God is all about, and i see him in you all. the men and the ladys.

Click to expand...

ladyhawk said:

I continue to keep you in my thoughts and prays and hope that we can all find peace and forgiveness in Our Lord Jesus Christ...Amen

In Jesus I trust....

Click to expand...

ladyhawk said:

God Bless us all, to be the people that You want us to be and find the peace we all need to continue on this earth, forgive ourselves in His Name our Lord Jesus Christ Amen.

I hope that this thread and our posts have helped others to see that they r not alone, I know that it has helped me to let my grief out and now have been able to forgive myself.
Sorry this is so late in the thread but I wrote this ditty and would like to share it with all of you.....I hope this is ok and does not bring back the pain for anyone, as that is NOT my intention...

I am sorry with all that is in me.
I lived with it always....the pain, grief and guilt
Now I have found that I am not alone
With God I trust my everything forever more
Knowing that you are waiting for me
The hugs, kisses and love that was to be denied
I will return this twofold to you with all that is me.
I will see you when it is time.
Loving you more than you will ever know.
But it time that I let you go for now and just be......
Go with the knowledge that I love you.....
Always
Mum xxxxx

Lh2005


Thankyou to New Creation and Woman at the Well for everything.

Click to expand...

ladyhawk said:

God Bless us all, to be the people that You want us to be and find the peace we all need to continue on this earth, forgive ourselves in His Name our Lord Jesus Christ Amen.

I hope that this thread and our posts have helped others to see that they r not alone, I know that it has helped me to let my grief out and now have been able to forgive myself.
Sorry this is so late in the thread but I wrote this ditty and would like to share it with all of you.....I hope this is ok and does not bring back the pain for anyone, as that is NOT my intention...

I am sorry with all that is in me.
I lived with it always....the pain, grief and guilt
Now I have found that I am not alone
With God I trust my everything forever more
Knowing that you are waiting for me
The hugs, kisses and love that was to be denied
I will return this twofold to you with all that is me.
I will see you when it is time.
Loving you more than you will ever know.
But it time that I let you go for now and just be......
Go with the knowledge that I love you.....
Always
Mum xxxxx

Lh2005


Thankyou to New Creation and Woman at the Well for everything.

Click to expand...

New Creation said:

Or she.
I was 17 years old when I had my baby aborted and it still hurts almost 19 years later.
I had a really messy adolescence and I still remember these words from my father to this day..."My first grandchild, an abortion." There was no offer to help me with the baby though. There was never any talk of how we could let the child live. No. It was only the last straw. My parents threw me out of the house and less than a month later I was stripping for a living and starting my career as an alcoholic.

I have Christ now and we have done some work on this, but not really a lot. It's such a deep wound. I don't like to call it an issue. It's not an issue. It's me and my child. The child I never let live. I have a long ways to go. Only heaven will completely heal me.

When my sister announced that she was pregnant two years ago, I literally screamed for joy and embraced her. I was so happy for her especially since she'd always said she never wanted children. My father was ecstatic.
But later that night, alone, jealousy set in. That was the last time I drank btw.

An old friend from my old life went out drinking one night and wound up pregnant, not sure who the dad is. She drank and smoked pot during the pregnancy and now, thankfully, she has a healthy little baby boy and a new lease on life. I must admit, there is some jealousy there too. And a little self righteousness eh?

A month ago, my brother's wife told us that she was pregnant. I guess you could say it was a shock. To be completely honest, it was hard for me to find joy though I think I faked it pretty well. It was jealousy again. And it was the week of my wedding when they announced it so I also felt like they stole some of our thunder. I know, selfish and petty. Still the way I felt. I'm trying to be honest here.
One thing that hurts me is that no one, not even me, talks about the first grandchild in heaven. This child is partially responsible for leading me to Christ, 16 years after his/her death. It's not fair that this child doesn't even get mentioned. I wonder sometimes- does my dad even remember?

I should mention that I am the oldest of the three kids and the irony of me having the first pregnancy but the last child is not lost on me.

Oh and by the way- that's the thing. Who says I'll ever have a child? Why should I get a child? Why would God give me another after the callous, murderous way I treated the first? This is one of my fears. I'm going on 37 and I am childless. I am married less than a month and oh Lord, I really want to have a baby. Is it in God's plan for me? I don't know. Do I deserve it? I really don't know. Why am I even writing here? I don't know. I was just drawn here I guess.
My baby deserves to have some attention. He deserves some love. I know he is with Jesus so he has more love than anyone on earth right now, thank you Lord for receiving my child.
Last year I encouraged my best friend to have a memorial service for her aborted baby, but I have never done anything of the sort for mine. Maybe I should. I don't know. I don't know anything. This is still such a dark place for me- you just don't want to go there sometimes, you know? Has anyone ever been healed of this before Heaven? What does it feel like?

I wish my dad would acknowledge the grandchild in a way that he never did before. I wish I never did it. I wish I could know my baby's spirit and I wish for forgiveness from my baby even though there's no reason in the world I deserve it. What gall! Asking forgiveness from the one I killed. I am so grateful and incredulous that my Lord would forgive me for one of the most heinous acts on the planet. Is it any wonder I punished myself with self-hatred for almost 16 years? But is that any way to pay tribute to the one who is gone? No he deserves better than that. And perhaps I can do better for him and BY him.
There seems to be no point to this post really. Just an acknowledgement of a person who never had a chance.
Please pray for me.
Pray that I will find joy for my siblings. Please pray that my bitterness will be healed. And dare I say...please pray for my husband and I to be blessed with a child.

Click to expand...