He proposed

[Soyeong]

I was just recently proposed to from a man I've been knowing for 8 months. I said yes at first but then later no because I'm not ready to marry him right now. I said yes initially bcuz I want to marry him I'm just not convinced yet that I should. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand. He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different places, but to me it shouldn't be a concern of his right now so to me it raises a red flag. He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

The decision of whether or not to get married to someone should be easy, and if it is not easy, then don't get married yet. As far as the length of the relationship goes, 8 months is fairly short, but it is reasonable if there has been daily communication because there generally is not a whole lot that could be learned about him after the first year that wasn't learned within the first year that could have a noticeable impact on your decision of whether or not to get married to him. So if you're still uncertain after a year of daily communication, then either figure out what can be done to become more certain or find someone else that you are more certain about. Pay attention to the yellow and red flags that cause uncertainty and don't try to minimize them or count on them being fixed after you get married.

When you get married to someone, you are getting married into their family and having good relationships with your husband's family is important because that can greatly impact the health of your marriage. For example, he has a son, so would not just be becoming a wife, but you'd also be becoming a step-mom. If his son does not approve of you, does not respect you, and does not listen to you, then that could add a lot of tension to your marriage. Is the man who proposed to you going to give his relationship with you a higher priority than his relationship with his son, or is his son going to come first? Are you going to be allowed to discipline his son? Is the son's mother still in the picture and have joint custody? You will also have a relationship with her. People in a healthy romantic relationship generally want to introduce them to their family, so it is not a good idea to agree to get engaged to someone before you've met their family, and if he doesn't want you to meet his family, then that is a big red flag.

After you've gotten engaged with someone and you're planning when to have the wedding, then that is the point where it would be reasonable to take into consideration when a lease is ending, but that should never rush the decision of whether to get married to someone before you're ready, though it makes sense for him to prefer a timing that avoids paying rent at two different places, so it isn't necessary a red flag unless he's being pushy about it.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

Would he leverage that over you in a controlling way?

I don't get a controlling vibe from him so I doubt so, but of course only God knows whether he will or not.

 

[Sophrosyne]

But I also realize God doesn't recognize bf/gf relationships, just married or unmarried so there's that part.

God does recognize those relationships for what they are, not marriage. It is why there is scripture about yoking yourself to an unbeliever one has to first meet and date one to realize that they aren't a believer to conclude not to marry them. It also warns about false people..... people who prophecise and teach and I would put in false/fake believers. Unless you are sure he is a believer just trusting in what he says may not suffice to decide that he may be faking it and his family may clue you in as to that truth (or not). It may also reveal bad habits currently or from his past and tendencies. If I were going to marry a gal, and found out she sleeps around all the time that would be a reason to not do so. If I were to come across someone whose family and friends have banished them I would find out why as their reason may be seriously valid to do so.

There should be nothing hidden in a contract before you agree to it. Getting engaged is part of an agreement for sure but can be broken but many folks who get that far have trouble stopping there and get dragged to an altar.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I don't get a controlling vibe from him so I doubt so, but of course only God knows whether he will or not.

Vibes cannot be trusted to ascertain certain things. People that are master manipulators can fly under the radar especially when you really like them.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

Vibes cannot be trusted to ascertain certain things. People that are master manipulators can fly under the radar especially when you really like them.

This is true, that's why I had a Christian couple I trust check him out for me. The only red flag they see is him not wanting to take me around his family until engagement. They believe he possibly has something to hide and that's why which is my concern as well. Him and I are not a couple by the way. I'm only willing to be around him as a friend for now.

 

[Sophrosyne]

This is true, that's why I had a Christian couple I trust check him out for me. The only red flag they see is him not wanting to take me around his family until engagement. They believe he possibly has something to hide and that's why which is my concern as well. Him and I are not a couple by the way. I'm only willing to be around him as a friend for now.

Starting a marriage out with secrets is not a marriage at all. If he isn't able to confide in you before even getting engaged he won't feel guilty about hiding any indiscretions that come about either. Secrets beget more secrets and lies lead to more lies and as deception grows trust fails and marriages crumble. It is like starting out on a long journey with a tack in the bottom of your shoe and told it is nothing. Until you pull that tack out it will bug.. even hurt you every step of the way.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

The decision of whether or not to get married to someone should be easy, and if it is not easy, then don't get married yet. As far as the length of the relationship goes, 8 months is fairly short, but it is reasonable if there has been daily communication because there generally is not a whole lot that could be learned about him after the first year that wasn't learned within the first year that could have a noticeable impact on your decision of whether or not to get married to him. So if you're still uncertain after a year of daily communication, then either figure out what can be done to become more certain or find someone else that you are more certain about. Pay attention to the yellow and red flags that cause uncertainty and don't try to minimize them or count on them being fixed after you get married.

When you get married to someone, you are getting married into their family and having good relationships with your husband's family is important because that can greatly impact the health of your marriage. For example, he has a son, so would not just be becoming a wife, but you'd also be becoming a step-mom. If his son does not approve of you, does not respect you, and does not listen to you, then that could add a lot of tension to your marriage. Is the man who proposed to you going to give his relationship with you a higher priority than his relationship with his son, or is his son going to come first? Are you going to be allowed to discipline his son? Is the son's mother still in the picture and have joint custody? You will also have a relationship with her. People in a healthy romantic relationship generally want to introduce them to their family, so it is not a good idea to agree to get engaged to someone before you've met their family, and if he doesn't want you to meet his family, then that is a big red flag.

After you've gotten engaged with someone and you're planning when to have the wedding, then that is the point where it would be reasonable to take into consideration when a lease is ending, but that should never rush the decision of whether to get married to someone before you're ready, though it makes sense for him to prefer a timing that avoids paying rent at two different places, so it isn't necessary a red flag unless he's being pushy about it.

He is being pushy about it that's the prob. I asked about getting married next year and he said he didn't know. I think there's an underlying reason for him wanting to rush, but the great thing is God knows and He will show me either way. That gives me peace in the midst of all of this.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

He was willing to take me around his family when we first met but I at the time was against it. Not sure if that adds any context but just also putting that out there.

Starting a marriage out with secrets is not a marriage at all. If he isn't able to confide in you before even getting engaged he won't feel guilty about hiding any indiscretions that come about either. Secrets beget more secrets and lies lead to more lies and as deception grows trust fails and marriages crumble. It is like starting out on a long journey with a tack in the bottom of your shoe and told it is nothing. Until you pull that tack out it will bug.. even hurt you every step of the way.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

I was just recently proposed to from a man I've been knowing for 8 months. I said yes at first but then later no because I'm not ready to marry him right now. I said yes initially bcuz I want to marry him I'm just not convinced yet that I should. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand. He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different places, but to me it shouldn't be a concern of his right now so to me it raises a red flag. He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

I should also mention that he was willing to take me around his family when we first met, to like a bbq or something but I at the time was against it since I was interested in dating him at the time.

 

[Sophrosyne]

I should also mention that he was willing to take me around his family when we first met, to like a bbq or something but I at the time was against it since I was interested in dating him at the time.

That is just weird then maybe his relationship with his family changed from that time till he proposed or something. When people act like that and won't explain themselves for it then history can repeat itself and undo those who don't learn from it.

 

[Mink61]

I was just recently proposed to from a man I've been knowing for 8 months. I said yes at first but then later no because I'm not ready to marry him right now. I said yes initially bcuz I want to marry him I'm just not convinced yet that I should. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand. He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different places, but to me it shouldn't be a concern of his right now so to me it raises a red flag. He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

Eight months isn't really that long to get to know someone.

The idea that he hasn't introduced you to his family yet is very telling. Plus, it seems like he's more interested in whether or not you two get married before his lease expires than the actual relationship.

That's a good analogy thank you. Yes, I want to figure out what's up now and not later on. For some context though, his last relationship was on and off for 10 yrs. He wanted to marry her but she didn't want to marry him. Also, I'm not having sex with him until marriage so also wondering if maybe he just doesn't want to wait much longer for that. Not saying that's ok but just a theory.

I'd try to find out WHY she didn't want to marry him. And, your idea about him not wanting to wait much longer for sex may very well be the truth.

Thanks for your concern. I have no bad feelings about him as a person, it's just the circumstances of him wanting to get married quickly and wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his parents and siblings that troubles me. He is very traditional, he wants a house wife so he would prefer me to not work at all. He knows also that I would be coming into the marriage with around 100k in debt whereas he has no debt. So I def don't think he's in it for financial gain.

This is a *red flag*. If have 100K in debt, and he wants you to be a housewife, how do you intend to pay off the debt? Are you expecting HIM to pay it off for you? Is HE volunteering to pay it off, and if so, at WHAT expense?

But I also realize God doesn't recognize bf/gf relationships, just married or unmarried so there's that part.

If you're 'boyfriend/girlfriend', you're still considered to be "unmarried" in God's eyes.

I don't get a controlling vibe from him so I doubt so, but of course only God knows whether he will or not.

You may not be getting a 'controlling vibe', but you're definitely seeing some glaring red flags. Pay attention to them!

He is being pushy about it that's the prob. I asked about getting married next year and he said he didn't know. I think there's an underlying reason for him wanting to rush, but the great thing is God knows and He will show me either way. That gives me peace in the midst of all of this.

Part of relationships is communication. You asked him about getting married next year, and you accepted his response of "I don't know." Why did you STOP there?

I should also mention that he was willing to take me around his family when we first met, to like a bbq or something but I at the time was against it since I was interested in dating him at the time.

This makes no sense.

He wants to introduce you to his family at first, but YOU didn't want to because you were interested in dating him?

And when you two were dating, he didn't want to introduce you to his family?

Almost sounds like he's 'getting even'...

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

Eight months isn't really that long to get to know someone.

The idea that he hasn't introduced you to his family yet is very telling. Plus, it seems like he's more interested in whether or not you two get married before his lease expires than the actual relationship.


I'd try to find out WHY she didn't want to marry him. And, your idea about him not wanting to wait much longer for sex may very well be the truth.


This is a *red flag*. If have 100K in debt, and he wants you to be a housewife, how do you intend to pay off the debt? Are you expecting HIM to pay it off for you? Is HE volunteering to pay it off, and if so, at WHAT expense?


If you're 'boyfriend/girlfriend', you're still considered to be "unmarried" in God's eyes.


You may not be getting a 'controlling vibe', but you're definitely seeing some glaring red flags. Pay attention to them!


Part of relationships is communication. You asked him about getting married next year, and you accepted his response of "I don't know." Why did you STOP there?


This makes no sense.

He wants to introduce you to his family at first, but YOU didn't want to because you were interested in dating him?

And when you two were dating, he didn't want to introduce you to his family?

Almost sounds like he's 'getting even'...

I meant to say wasn't interested in dating him. But I have decided to just be his friend. I believe the issue is him and I are unequally yoked. I could tell we were before but feelings got involved and you know how that goes. I believe he has a lot of maturing in the faith to do and I have growing to do as well. I pray for God's will to be done in both our lives. Thanks for your responses.

 

[com7fy8]

his last relationship was on and off for 10 yrs. He wanted to marry her but she didn't want to marry him.

Well, it is possible this is what could be starting for you and him. He could be repeating his history, and now you are the one to stay with him, on and off . . . for some while.

What kept her with him for that much time, without getting married? What could be keeping you lingering with him?

He was willing to take me around his family when we first met but I at the time was against it. Not sure if that adds any context but just also putting that out there.

Ok . . . thank you for telling us such personal things.

I keep thinking of how he has a son. How did that happen? And how old is he? And why, ever, would he not want you and his son to get to know each other?

Perhaps, he wants to get established with you so you don't decide you don't want him after his family has gotten in love with you. That could be a practical reason. Or, after losing a lady after ten years, he does not want to look like a loser by also losing you. His family could think you're great and be in love with you, and then he loses you? That might not make him look good to them, and it could hurt them.

So, yes his family could give you information, but that may not be what it is about. Or, it could be they will inform you, and they could be ready for the reality of what will happen if you find out more about him. Possibly, already they know he is not a good recommend. And they could be realistic to love you but ready to say goodbye.

But I would be especially interested in discovering the son. But, like I say, what if the son takes well to you but you realize you don't belong together with his father??

May be you need to spend more time with a variety of Jesus people so you have experience with how genuinely Christian people and couples are. And grow in Jesus with ones who obviously help you to grow. If he does not obviously help you to grow in Jesus and how to love and in God's word . . . I think it is wise to marry someone who does.

And yet, I have the story that a total con artist could fool home groups into thinking he was a real Christian, they loved him, then he married the woman who was checking him out. But I think she could be a ring leader, to get others to go along with her. So, he could have had her help

It seems you could tell her things to warn her, and she could just talk her way around . . . anything. And then convince others . . . who could be tricked.

So . . . you seem to be evaluating. In case he is not right for you, you might evaluate what has made you able to be fooled into staying with him like you have. What could fool you into being yet another ten-year on-and-offer for him? Maybe, like I mean, you have invested too much time and attention with only one person, and you need to feed on sharing with a variety of mature Christian brothers and sisters and couples.

How about a home group with leaders and mature members of a church or your church?

Anyway, you have us

 

[lastofall]

Apart from not being able to trust him, the only other issue is Yes and No:

Matthew 5:37 But let your communication be, Yea, yea; Nay, nay: for whatsoever is more than these cometh of evil.

If we lack wisdom, let us ask of God, who gives to all liberally, and deters not, and it shall be given us: But we must needs ask in faith, and nothing wavering. (from James 1:5-6)

 

[Sketcher]

I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand.

No.

He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different place

Oh, heck no.

He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

If I thought he had redeeming qualities, I'd say meet his family as a pre-condition to agreeing to an engagement. But this rush to get married for financial reasons has me thinking you shouldn't go any further.

 

[Hannah66]

if there are any red flags of hint of red flags, don't.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

I would say there are some really BIG BIG flags here.

He does not want you to meet his family. Therefore, he must believe there is a problem either with you or with his family.

I understand the practical nature of his concern over two leases but a lease is not a reason to get married or is it? Let me ask a very traditional question of you. Can he take care of you financially or is her looking for you to take care of him? I mentored a young lady once (I am a minister) and she wanted to marry a man with big red flags, I urged her not to, but she did anyway. She ended up having to support this man who would not work once they were married, wanted to live way beyond their means and have her alone work to pay for it, cheated on her with men and women and this guy was supposed to be a Christian. He had her completely fooled into thinking he was a real Christian. She knew something was off but she was just so tired of being single, saw what I had with my hubby, want a marriage like that, she wanted marriage period. Couple that with not feeling the greatest about herself and she was his prey for the taking.

If you do not have peace about it, if you are not sure it is God, don't do it, please. You just may live to regret it deeply.

Please feel free to send me a private message via the forum if you would like to discuss this more privately.

Hi again, good news...I didn't marry him (thank God) I actually found out he was living a double life, was in a whole other relationship the entire time, proposed to her around the same time he proposed to me, and just married her. He was telling me he loved me and wanting to see me all throughout their engagement, even the week of their wedding with me being clueless to what was going on. This is someone who told me he knew Christ, and that God told him I was his wife. So glad I listened to God when I did. Thank you again for your words of wisdom.

 

[tturt]

Wow you've a lot to be thankful for - not marrying him.

 

[timothyu]

Isn't it ironic that a nation says In God We Trust then turns around and elects politicians and watches cable news. Glad things worked out for you as we are reminded to use discernment in our religion and daily lives.

 

[tturt]

Glad that all your decisions are always accurate.