He proposed

[Chelsey Nicholson]

I was just recently proposed to from a man I've been knowing for 8 months. I said yes at first but then later no because I'm not ready to marry him right now. I said yes initially bcuz I want to marry him I'm just not convinced yet that I should. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand. He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different places, but to me it shouldn't be a concern of his right now so to me it raises a red flag. He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

 

[timothyu]

Don't disregard your red flags. So far it seems to be only you being expected to compromise.

 

[levnishbar]

I agree with timothyu.

Take a bit of time and think about what might be the biggest decision in your life. You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when they do not get what they want.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

I agree with timothyu.

Take a bit of time and think about what might be the biggest decision in your life. You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when they do not get what they want.

Yes absolutely. My thing is if he really wants and loves me, he can wait until I'm just as ready as he is even if it takes another year. If not then that tells me something.

 

[timothyu]

The lease thing bothers me, not to mention the reasoning behind hiding the relatives until you are basically committed. Breach of promise at this point enters the picture. It is sad life has become so complicated but these are answers you need now, not later. And this is coming from a guy.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

The lease thing bothers me, not to mention the reasoning behind hiding the relatives until you are basically committed. Breach of promise at this point enters the picture. It is sad life has become so complicated but these are answers you need now, not later. And this is coming from a guy.

We are not engaged, I already told him no to getting married. There are questions that need to be answered before I can agree to marriage. I guess my real question is how should I progress from here?

 

[levnishbar]

The fact that he is OK meeting your family first, but not you meeting his family, son or even friends, seems to suggest that he does not view you as an equal, or at least understand the concept of reciprocity. Here's a quote I like which frames how women should be treated by men:

“Women were created from the rib of man to be beside him, not from his head to top him, nor from his feet to be trampled by him, but from under his arm to be protected by him, near to his heart to be loved by him.” Matthew Henry, Matthew Henry's Commentary on the Whole Bible

Also the lease thing suggests that he is factoring financial expediency into his decision for the timing of marriage, when the things he should be thinking about are whether you both truly love each other and will stick together until death.

As for how you should progress, one option might be to say you need time to think about it, and see if he addresses your concerns you raised, and also see how he reacts to it.

Time apart in and of itself also helps one decide whether you would work out as a couple or not. You know what it is like to be with him, but do you know what it is like to be without him? Does he know what it is like to be without you?

 

[Presbyterian Continuist]

The red light that comes up on the dashboard of my car alerts me that there is something wrong that needs to be investigated. Ignoring it might mean serious damage to my vehicle. I remember during a lengthy drive from one city to another, the red ignition light came on that told me that the battery was not charging. As soon as I arrived home, I took the car to my local service mechanic and it transpired that the alternator had failed. If I had continued to drive the car without attending to the red light, the time would quickly come when the battery would have gone flat and the car would have died, or one morning it would not start.

So when a red light comes up in your mind about a guy you are planning to marry, investigate it to ensure that it does not indicate a serious problem that will show up later on. There is another lady on this forum who got married to a man with a drug addiction, who was high at the wedding, He ended up in prison, and now his wife has a dilemma whether to persevere with him and have continued suffering, or to go through a divorce and end up being lonely without a supportive partner. Don't let that happen to you.

 

[disciple Clint]

I was just recently proposed to from a man I've been knowing for 8 months. I said yes at first but then later no because I'm not ready to marry him right now. I said yes initially bcuz I want to marry him I'm just not convinced yet that I should. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand. He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different places, but to me it shouldn't be a concern of his right now so to me it raises a red flag. He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

My thought is that you do not truly love this man because you are more concerned about circumstances than relationship, so wait until you truly know that you love him and if that does not happen, well you know the rest.

 

[tturt]

Also, is he a believer?

 

[By_the_Book]

I was just recently proposed to from a man I've been knowing for 8 months. I said yes at first but then later no because I'm not ready to marry him right now. I said yes initially bcuz I want to marry him I'm just not convinced yet that I should. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand. He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different places, but to me it shouldn't be a concern of his right now so to me it raises a red flag. He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

I would say there are some really BIG BIG flags here.

He does not want you to meet his family. Therefore, he must believe there is a problem either with you or with his family.

I understand the practical nature of his concern over two leases but a lease is not a reason to get married or is it? Let me ask a very traditional question of you. Can he take care of you financially or is her looking for you to take care of him? I mentored a young lady once (I am a minister) and she wanted to marry a man with big red flags, I urged her not to, but she did anyway. She ended up having to support this man who would not work once they were married, wanted to live way beyond their means and have her alone work to pay for it, cheated on her with men and women and this guy was supposed to be a Christian. He had her completely fooled into thinking he was a real Christian. She knew something was off but she was just so tired of being single, saw what I had with my hubby, want a marriage like that, she wanted marriage period. Couple that with not feeling the greatest about herself and she was his prey for the taking.

If you do not have peace about it, if you are not sure it is God, don't do it, please. You just may live to regret it deeply.

Please feel free to send me a private message via the forum if you would like to discuss this more privately.

 

[lsume]

I was just recently proposed to from a man I've been knowing for 8 months. I said yes at first but then later no because I'm not ready to marry him right now. I said yes initially bcuz I want to marry him I'm just not convinced yet that I should. I haven't met any of his family or friends yet not even his son. He wants to wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his family, but is fine with meeting mine beforehand. He also wants us to get married before his lease ends at the end of the year so we won't have to be paying rent at two different places, but to me it shouldn't be a concern of his right now so to me it raises a red flag. He knows how I feel about these two issues and is willing to respect my feelings about them and continue on with me. What are your thoughts?

I assume that you have prayed about this. That is, as you know, the most important thing. Perhaps that is why you postponed the engagement. May God’s perfect will guide you.

 

[levnishbar]

Just to play Devil's Advocate here, sometimes red flags in and of themselves do not disqualify someone as a partner, the example being Hosea being told by God to marry Gomer, a harlot (Hosea 1:2). This was a rare exception.

Nevertheless, God has given us free will, a mind to weigh pros/cons and in the absence of a direct command from Him, one should exercise their discretion and wisdom according to principles from Scripture.

And also consider, in Genesis 13:10, Lot saw with his eyes a good place to settle down in (the plains of Jordan) but later had to be rescued by Abram and also by angels from Sodom/Gomorrah. The moral here is that sometimes even what we see with our human eyes to be a good idea, can turn out otherwise. And it was also inferred, that Lot was a righteous man, yet he ended up in the situation he did when he settled where he did.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

The red light that comes up on the dashboard of my car alerts me that there is something wrong that needs to be investigated. Ignoring it might mean serious damage to my vehicle. I remember during a lengthy drive from one city to another, the red ignition light came on that told me that the battery was not charging. As soon as I arrived home, I took the car to my local service mechanic and it transpired that the alternator had failed. If I had continued to drive the car without attending to the red light, the time would quickly come when the battery would have gone flat and the car would have died, or one morning it would not start.

So when a red light comes up in your mind about a guy you are planning to marry, investigate it to ensure that it does not indicate a serious problem that will show up later on. There is another lady on this forum who got married to a man with a drug addiction, who was high at the wedding, He ended up in prison, and now his wife has a dilemma whether to persevere with him and have continued suffering, or to go through a divorce and end up being lonely without a supportive partner. Don't let that happen to you.

That's a good analogy thank you. Yes, I want to figure out what's up now and not later on. For some context though, his last relationship was on and off for 10 yrs. He wanted to marry her but she didn't want to marry him. Also, I'm not having sex with him until marriage so also wondering if maybe he just doesn't want to wait much longer for that. Not saying that's ok but just a theory.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

Also, is he a believer?

Yes

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

I would say there are some really BIG BIG flags here.

He does not want you to meet his family. Therefore, he must believe there is a problem either with you or with his family.

I understand the practical nature of his concern over two leases but a lease is not a reason to get married or is it? Let me ask a very traditional question of you. Can he take care of you financially or is her looking for you to take care of him? I mentored a young lady once (I am a minister) and she wanted to marry a man with big red flags, I urged her not to, but she did anyway. She ended up having to support this man who would not work once they were married, wanted to live way beyond their means and have her alone work to pay for it, cheated on her with men and women and this guy was supposed to be a Christian. He had her completely fooled into thinking he was a real Christian. She knew something was off but she was just so tired of being single, saw what I had with my hubby, want a marriage like that, she wanted marriage period. Couple that with not feeling the greatest about herself and she was his prey for the taking.

If you do not have peace about it, if you are not sure it is God, don't do it, please. You just may live to regret it deeply.

Please feel free to send me a private message via the forum if you would like to discuss this more privately.

Thanks for your concern. I have no bad feelings about him as a person, it's just the circumstances of him wanting to get married quickly and wait until we're engaged before introducing me to his parents and siblings that troubles me. He is very traditional, he wants a house wife so he would prefer me to not work at all. He knows also that I would be coming into the marriage with around 100k in debt whereas he has no debt. So I def don't think he's in it for financial gain.

 

[timothyu]

He is very traditional, he wants a house wife so he would prefer me to not work at all. He knows also that I would be coming into the marriage with around 100k in debt whereas he has no debt

Would he leverage that over you in a controlling way?

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

I assume that you have prayed about this. That is, as you know, the most important thing. Perhaps that is why you postponed the engagement. May God’s perfect will guide you.

Yes I've been praying. I felt led to fully commit myself to him and only him before he proposed, but in the context of courtship not marriage.

 

[Chelsey Nicholson]

Yes I've been praying. I felt led to fully commit myself to him and only him before he proposed, but in the context of courtship not marriage.

But I also realize God doesn't recognize bf/gf relationships, just married or unmarried so there's that part.

 

[Sophrosyne]

You do know that when you marry someone their family and friends will end up being part of your lives be it a blessing or a curse and these people often know the facts about your future spouse, things that could be a big negative in the balance of things. Often genetic traits in families are future problems and knowing that for instance a family has a history of diabetes and are morbidly obese and your spouse is borderline obese and has bad eating habits you could be marrying someone that their health over the next decade plummets and their life span is shortened greatly. They could also exhibit psychological behavior that worsens as they get older that becomes unmanageable.... traits that he has that aren't (to you now) too bad but in reality he could be hiding them fro you.

Many people want to be like their parents in reality and some married folks dupe their future spouse into thinking they will get their way when in reality they will want to be the way their folks are. If you can talk to their friends sometimes you can get stories of misbehavior and attitude that will uncover deception going on that you don't see also. Many people put on a facade till win their future spouse and once the honeymoon is over then the reality sets in and it often is nowhere near what was promised. People that are violent when they don't get their way the family may know about them but you may have never had a knock down dragged out argument with him that resulted in uncontrollable anger. If you can see his real parents how they look and act that may be exactly how he will be 20 or so years from now.... till death parts you.