M
MaddieD
Guest
*sensitive content/trigger warning*
Long story short (compared to the book I could probably write about it, that is), I was abused and neglected by my parents as a child. My father was an alcoholic who worked long hours, and I'm fairly certain that my mother has Narcissistic personality disorder (among other things). She was an agoraphobic for years of my childhood and has suffered with panic disorder, depression, etc. for as long as I can remember. It is safe to say that she is mentally ill and was never really fit to become a mother to begin with. She expected me to meet her emotional needs (parentification) from a young age, and only expected more as I grew older. I really had no one to help me to attend to the business of growing up, aside from a few mother figures that I met and clung to along the way.
Regardless, I managed to go to college, get married, buy a house and have a son, all with very little support or encouragement. Nearly a year ago, my son began early intervention at the age of 14 months because he was developmentally delayed and showing early red flags for autism. As the months passed it became more and more apparent that we were facing a future autism diagnosis, and his treatment increased. I also found out along the way that I have Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism) (it's genetic) and I've done all of this with the added challenges that living on the autism spectrum brings, without even being aware of it.
Then about 6 months ago my father passed away suddenly, and I dropped everything to help my newly widowed mother (who lives an hour away). As the months passed she became increasingly demanding and abusive towards me. I was honestly doing the best that I could to help her and keep my life together and coordinate my sons services, and she would be in her house gossiping to other family members about how I wasn't doing enough for her. When my husband, son and I had to go to a wedding near her house, she made us get a hotel room and wouldn't let us stay with her, but she allowed her sister to stay with her shortly after for 9 days, and expected me to come visit them with my son and then drive home at the end of the day. When I refused, they came to my house and harassed me, banging on the windows and honking the car horn. I had to threaten to call the police to get them to leave, and on their way out they tore up my yard with their car. This was just 2 days before we had an open house, because we are trying to move to the other side of the country to get away from her and her emotional problems. We were trying to make the house look nice so that it would sell, and she was in the front yard destroying our property.
Anyway, I decided that it would be best if I cut off contact with my mother, because she was bringing far too much strife (to say the least) to my family. I am fairly certain that I have post traumatic stress disorder from my life of dealing with her abuse, and I am in trauma therapy right now just beginning to scratch the surface of dealing with this. I have thoughts of her coming to my house with a gun on a daily basis, and every time I hear a noise I jump up and look out the window to reassure myself that she isn't at my home to harass me or my family. I've even checked the bushes for her. I'm terrified of her.
I am finding myself incredibly plagued with guilt now though, because the bible instructs us to take care of widows, especially when they are your own family. But how can I do that? How can I continue to subject myself to this woman who is literally ruining my life? I do not want my son to have to grow up in the kind of hostile environment that I did, and my husband does not deserve to be subjected to this negativity (to put it lightly), and they certainly do not deserve to have to deal with the moods that she puts me in, or her abusive nature in general. I do not want my son to have to hear the words "I have to force myself to hug you" from her like I did, and feel her stiffen up when she does "force herself".
When I was a child, my mother did a great job of convincing me (with scripture) that God agreed with all of the insanity that she imposed upon me. Now, every time that she is mad at me (which is pretty much all the time, because I cannot for the life of me be good enough for her), I feel like God is siding with her and angry with me as well. I think that I might have a false image of God as being abusive and unreasonable like my mother.
So, I'm kind of a mess. Please help me to deal with this guilt that I feel for cutting off contact with her. I do not know how I can possibly begin to heal otherwise, but the only way I have ever found to alleviate it is to run back to her and try my hardest to make her happy and win her approval. I guess I never loved myself enough to stop that cycle, but I certainly love my family enough to.
I am a born again Christian, by the way. I was raised in the "word of faith" movement, but I escaped from that cult and found the reformed church, which makes a lot more sense to me.
Long story short (compared to the book I could probably write about it, that is), I was abused and neglected by my parents as a child. My father was an alcoholic who worked long hours, and I'm fairly certain that my mother has Narcissistic personality disorder (among other things). She was an agoraphobic for years of my childhood and has suffered with panic disorder, depression, etc. for as long as I can remember. It is safe to say that she is mentally ill and was never really fit to become a mother to begin with. She expected me to meet her emotional needs (parentification) from a young age, and only expected more as I grew older. I really had no one to help me to attend to the business of growing up, aside from a few mother figures that I met and clung to along the way.
Regardless, I managed to go to college, get married, buy a house and have a son, all with very little support or encouragement. Nearly a year ago, my son began early intervention at the age of 14 months because he was developmentally delayed and showing early red flags for autism. As the months passed it became more and more apparent that we were facing a future autism diagnosis, and his treatment increased. I also found out along the way that I have Asperger's Syndrome (high functioning autism) (it's genetic) and I've done all of this with the added challenges that living on the autism spectrum brings, without even being aware of it.
Then about 6 months ago my father passed away suddenly, and I dropped everything to help my newly widowed mother (who lives an hour away). As the months passed she became increasingly demanding and abusive towards me. I was honestly doing the best that I could to help her and keep my life together and coordinate my sons services, and she would be in her house gossiping to other family members about how I wasn't doing enough for her. When my husband, son and I had to go to a wedding near her house, she made us get a hotel room and wouldn't let us stay with her, but she allowed her sister to stay with her shortly after for 9 days, and expected me to come visit them with my son and then drive home at the end of the day. When I refused, they came to my house and harassed me, banging on the windows and honking the car horn. I had to threaten to call the police to get them to leave, and on their way out they tore up my yard with their car. This was just 2 days before we had an open house, because we are trying to move to the other side of the country to get away from her and her emotional problems. We were trying to make the house look nice so that it would sell, and she was in the front yard destroying our property.
Anyway, I decided that it would be best if I cut off contact with my mother, because she was bringing far too much strife (to say the least) to my family. I am fairly certain that I have post traumatic stress disorder from my life of dealing with her abuse, and I am in trauma therapy right now just beginning to scratch the surface of dealing with this. I have thoughts of her coming to my house with a gun on a daily basis, and every time I hear a noise I jump up and look out the window to reassure myself that she isn't at my home to harass me or my family. I've even checked the bushes for her. I'm terrified of her.
I am finding myself incredibly plagued with guilt now though, because the bible instructs us to take care of widows, especially when they are your own family. But how can I do that? How can I continue to subject myself to this woman who is literally ruining my life? I do not want my son to have to grow up in the kind of hostile environment that I did, and my husband does not deserve to be subjected to this negativity (to put it lightly), and they certainly do not deserve to have to deal with the moods that she puts me in, or her abusive nature in general. I do not want my son to have to hear the words "I have to force myself to hug you" from her like I did, and feel her stiffen up when she does "force herself".
When I was a child, my mother did a great job of convincing me (with scripture) that God agreed with all of the insanity that she imposed upon me. Now, every time that she is mad at me (which is pretty much all the time, because I cannot for the life of me be good enough for her), I feel like God is siding with her and angry with me as well. I think that I might have a false image of God as being abusive and unreasonable like my mother.
So, I'm kind of a mess. Please help me to deal with this guilt that I feel for cutting off contact with her. I do not know how I can possibly begin to heal otherwise, but the only way I have ever found to alleviate it is to run back to her and try my hardest to make her happy and win her approval. I guess I never loved myself enough to stop that cycle, but I certainly love my family enough to.
I am a born again Christian, by the way. I was raised in the "word of faith" movement, but I escaped from that cult and found the reformed church, which makes a lot more sense to me.
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Maddie, I am sorry to hear about your situation. Narcissistic personality disorder according to sources I have read is a rare condition, effecting only something like one percent of the population. The past three or four years, I have had to live under the same roof with a sister-in-law who has a severe case of narcissistic personality disorder, another illness, and she is a non-believer. I cannot imagine what it would be like to be raised by a person with NPD. When you say she was never really fit to be a mother, I cannot help but feel the same about my sister-in-law who wants to be a mother. Often I have felt for my brother who is helplessly blinded by love for her. Anyway, enough about my sitution, I'll try to offer some advice. 
