Happy with your social skills?

j2vlha said:

Hey you are not alone, I can play my guitar at church with a lot of people and still can't talk and mingle.

Does that make us weird?

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I'm a musician too. Some of us are fine when we're working with a script. Less comfortable when we're talking off the cuff!

Smileyill said:

I find the best social skill is asking questions about the other person. People generally like to talk about themselves and besides that's how you learn if you want to continue to get to know them.

Once you find something in common you can tell a short story about yourself.

In fact, I almost always end a phone conversation with a friend with "anything else?" I want to know what's going on in their lives.

For instance, walking to school/work today, I noticed a girl with a law school book (I'm in law school), I asked her what law school she attended...and within 1/2 a block (I arrived at my destination) had her name, school, year in school and when she started. I encouraged her about law school (it'll get better after 1L) and I learned something new - some law schools allow you to start in Jan. I didn't ask for her number because it wasn't appropriate. I'll probably never see her again, but you never know. If I really wanted to, I could've kept walking and got to know her better. I decided being late to work wasn't worth it, but I made that conscious decision.

It's really not that hard to strike up a conversation and if it becomes friendly you have a new friend.

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Good for you, Smileyill. I think two of my fears that keep me from striking up conversations are that I'll say something stupid or the person will reject me. Oh, the third one is that I'll strike up a conversation with someone who turns out to be a stalker or something...

Jenster said:

I'm a musician too. Some of us are fine when we're working with a script. Less comfortable when we're talking off the cuff!

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Well, that makes sense....

I used to feel inadequate with my social skills...but since I've let God control my life I've notice a big increase in confidence in social situations!

I think I'm a mix between the two. When it comes to people I don't know, I can be quite uncomfortable because I don't know how they're going to react and respond to me... I've gotten better at this recently, and I was just hired at a retail store, so I'm going to have to continually get better at it. I'd say I still have a lot to learn about how to relate to people, although I tend to be quite sensitive, but I'm learning It's very much important to me to be socially capable, at least a little bit, because I am going into Ministry, and I think that building relationship with people is vital to any ministry you go into, whether it's on the mission field, in a church, or out on the streets.

Luther073082 said:

Go up to people who are also sitting by themselves. Make small talk, talk about the weather, ask their name. Ask them what they do for a living, tell them what you do for a living.

I guess I'm only speaking from experience having taught myself to become more and more comfortable in social situations.

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This I can do, but then I don't know what to tal;k about, after asking about their job. Thanks for reply to my post though.

this is what I believe anyways for what it's wherth.
Good social skills are about the way you opperate, not the talking itself. This I have begun to work with, in the lord --everything with me is a work in progress---- even getting home!

Jenster said:

Good for you, Smileyill. I think two of my fears that keep me from striking up conversations are that I'll say something stupid or the person will reject me. Oh, the third one is that I'll strike up a conversation with someone who turns out to be a stalker or something...

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Well thank you, that's kind of you.

As for your fears, don't worry if somebody rejects you. It doesn't really matter. Another story from yesterday, I work the the computer lab and a girl asked me if we had a calculator, since we didn't, I offered her my phone which does. She walked away and used it. When she returned it, I asked if she'd added her number. She gave an uncomfortable laugh and walked away - rejection! Oh well, I continued the conversation I was having with a female friend, no big deal.

As for stalkers - I'd worry more about them here than in person...either way though, that's in God's hands.

HotToast said:

This I can do, but then I don't know what to tal;k about, after asking about their job. Thanks for reply to my post though.

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Talk about their job and yours. I'm quite certain you can come up with an intelligent question you can ask about someone's job. If not you can just go into the tried and true "Do you enjoy it" line of question. This will typically lead to them talking about either what they like about their job, or B. What they don't like about their job and what they want to do in the future. This can bring a conversation about their hopes, and plans and dreams. This brings about the question of their current situation. Are they married, do they have kids?

And also you can use your own life experiences to talk about. Do you have a friend in a similar situation? Maybe you know someone who is in that field themselves. Who knows maybe they know someone that you know. I just found out about two weeks ago that one of the instructors at the ballroom dance studio that I go to was best friends with my first cousin once removed (My dad's cousin) in high school.

Also one thing I do personally when I meet someone is my eyes immediatly go to their left hand to see if they are married/engaged. (I know men don't wear engagement rings) I do this with both men and women of all ages. It helps to kind of get to know their situation. However I think the answer is more interesting when its an attractive woman my age.

Smileyill said:

Well thank you, that's kind of you.

As for your fears, don't worry if somebody rejects you. It doesn't really matter. Another story from yesterday, I work the the computer lab and a girl asked me if we had a calculator, since we didn't, I offered her my phone which does. She walked away and used it. When she returned it, I asked if she'd added her number. She gave an uncomfortable laugh and walked away - rejection! Oh well, I continued the conversation I was having with a female friend, no big deal.

As for stalkers - I'd worry more about them here than in person...either way though, that's in God's hands.

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I think its a little bit different though. You seem to be a person who kind of flirts with/ hits on girls who you don't even know or just met. Me personally I get more interested in women after I already know them. I tried asking out a girl that I just met for coffee and she rejected me, no big deal. But I mean when you already know her and you've developed feelings for her, I think thats alot tougher. Especially when you know you are going to see them twice a week.

Luther073082 said:

Talk about their job and yours. I'm quite certain you can come up with an intelligent question you can ask about someone's job. If not you can just go into the tried and true "Do you enjoy it" line of question. This will typically lead to them talking about either what they like about their job, or B. What they don't like about their job and what they want to do in the future. This can bring a conversation about their hopes, and plans and dreams. This brings about the question of their current situation. Are they married, do they have kids?

And also you can use your own life experiences to talk about. Do you have a friend in a similar situation? Maybe you know someone who is in that field themselves. Who knows maybe they know someone that you know. I just found out about two weeks ago that one of the instructors at the ballroom dance studio that I go to was best friends with my first cousin once removed (My dad's cousin) in high school.

Also one thing I do personally when I meet someone is my eyes immediatly go to their left hand to see if they are married/engaged. (I know men don't wear engagement rings) I do this with both men and women of all ages. It helps to kind of get to know their situation. However I think the answer is more interesting when its an attractive woman my age.

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One minor warning, there's a move away from wearing wedding rings for theft reasons, especially in large cities. So don't rely on this cue ensuring they're unmarried.

Y'know I've always been told I'm a social butterfly, and I adapt well in situations, which is pretty nice. I enjoy people and talking, and being in a social setting, so I would say I'm happy with my social skills.

But I tend to get bored easily and I need constant stimuli so because of that, I would say sometimes I wish i was little more reserved, or introverted at times, so I could be more content during quite times. But ultimately I really really dig talking to people...and I totally love meeting new people and making new friends.

Luther073082 said:

I think its a little bit different though. You seem to be a person who kind of flirts with/ hits on girls who you don't even know or just met. Me personally I get more interested in women after I already know them. I tried asking out a girl that I just met for coffee and she rejected me, no big deal. But I mean when you already know her and you've developed feelings for her, I think thats alot tougher. Especially when you know you are going to see them twice a week.

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Well if you've known them for a while, I'd hope you have a good idea of whether they'd want to go to coffee with you.

I get to know both genders by finding ways to help them. I'll edit a paper for them, listen to their problems (& carefully advise them if appropriate). If they have car trouble, have yard work, or simply want something done, I'll volunteer. I'm pretty handy, I've renovated ~5 houses and fixed multiple cars. It's hard to resist a helping hand. I rarely ask for "dates." They just happen because we're together doing something productive. Then if I'm doing something fun, I'll invite them along with as much notice as possible. If they don't want to do something fun, I know to give it up.

Smileyill said:

One minor warning, there's a move away from wearing wedding rings for theft reasons, especially in large cities. So don't rely on this cue ensuring they're unmarried.

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Thats true but I don't live in a big city. I've only met one person in my entire life that is married and didn't wear a wedding ring. And that wasn't because she was afraid of it being stolen, she just said she didn't like Jewelry. (Strange woman)

Luther073082 said:

Thats true but I don't live in a big city. I've only met one person in my entire life that is married and didn't wear a wedding ring. And that wasn't because she was afraid of it being stolen, she just said she didn't like Jewelry. (Strange woman)

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Or a woman can be stupid enough to wear a wedding ring for 5 years while her husband cheats and she knew all about it.

Sorry,

j2vlha said:

Or a woman can be stupid enough to wear a wedding ring for 5 years while her husband cheats and she knew all about it.

Sorry,

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Thats in your past hon. Accept that your human and do stupid things and move on. It sounds to me like you where married to a boy and not a man. A boy runs off and does those things when he has a family at home, a man does not.

Now you can go find yourself the real man that you deserve and accept nothing less.

Luther073082 said:

Thats in your past hon. Accept that your human and do stupid things and move on. It sounds to me like you where married to a boy and not a man. A boy runs off and does those things when he has a family at home, a man does not.

Now you can go find yourself the real man that you deserve and accept nothing less.

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He speaks the truth!

Luther073082 said:

Thats true but I don't live in a big city. I've only met one person in my entire life that is married and didn't wear a wedding ring. And that wasn't because she was afraid of it being stolen, she just said she didn't like Jewelry. (Strange woman)

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Well, if you ever get to Chicago, we'll do an experiment!

But I agree, when I discovered this in Chicago, it shocked me. (friend informed me)

Jenster said:

OK, so my first attempt at posting this only served to gain me the white screen of death. So let's try this again!

I want to ask: Are you happy with your social skills? If so, why? and if not, why not?

Second and related: How much is it WORTH IT to you to have good social skills? And why?

Seems like there's two ends of the spectrum: (1) People who have good social skills (friendly, funny, warm) and get positive reinforcement for said skills. (2) Then there are people who are lesser skilled (not so confident, mildly expressive), who tend to get less positive reinforcement from other people.

I probably fall more toward the "lesser" end myself.

Sometimes I feel as though "social skills = ability to get what you want." And for that reason, I wish I had better skills. I think there's a certain power in having good social skills. What do you guys think of that idea -- agree or disagree? I don't mean power to manipulate people but to get positive reinforcement, or to make things happen, get people to help out, etc.

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i think it's good to have good social skills but in the right places. there's no need to be some socialite all the time in my opinion. because then it's seen as the person needing attention from the world all the time which seems a bit pathetic.

but in regards to my social skills? i'm finally happy with them. i never used to be but i think my job has helped me out a lot. i work at a factory and work with quite a few people around me so it helps to be social to some degree. i'm get along well with my bosses and everything and i know if my social skills wasn't in good standings, that stuff wouldn't mean anything to me, and now it does so i have tackled and it gives good benefits. respect, someone that is funny, socialable. and it has helped since i have switched shifts of working. there's a world of difference between day shifts and night shifts. i'm around the head people of the company a lot more now, and i think it's a good thing for me to keep on improving my social skills because at time, let's face it, my social skills sucked.

and then outside of work i have noticed i'm conversing with people more and more. mere examples:
i was at a hippie shop the other day called "Butterfly Effect." bought some sandalwood candles for my apartment. the two girls at the counter were talking and the one said she hated needles as she was talking about her teeth problems but yet she had decent size plugs in ears. so i join in conversation and say, "but you have plugs in your ears?" the other one laughed and smiled and the one i said it to gave a brief explanation which made sense.

then at the gas station i normally go to, a few of the clerks there and i will talk or joke around while they are getting what i want.

then the ups guy and i will briefly talk whenever he's delivering somethign just because he's been here so many times dropping off stuff i've boughten.

then at walmart where my mom used to work at, i'm always running into someone that is saying hi to me or asking how i've been.

then when i used to go to bars a lot, i used to talk to people there. mainly either older men, or just men my age and i would sit down have some drinks and talk about life or whatever.

i think it's good to have social skills to show your a likeable, approachable person.

i'm also quiet tho. i like staying at home and being lazy and relaxing and having a simple, calm, quiet life. if i see someone i don't want to be social with i won't. sometimes i'm just a person that keeps to myself a lot of the times.

but i do find that the more social i've become in a way, the better life is. at your workplace, it gives you respect that your a well-liked person and approachable. my job has taught me this. and outside of your job, it may not do much but, at least your able to be social when you want to be and not when don't want to be instead of battling over the fear of being social. even tho i'm young, i used have really bad social skills and i hated it. it didn't help out with life at all, at least for me it didn't.

Smileyill said:

Well, if you ever get to Chicago, we'll do an experiment!

But I agree, when I discovered this in Chicago, it shocked me. (friend informed me)

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I've been to Chi-town many times. I could get there easy by just hopping on the south shore. Right now I live just outside of South Bend, IN but I'm originally from LaPorte, IN and went to college and lived for 4 1/2 years in Valparaiso Indiana.

BTW I don't like Chicago much. I may have to live there in the end but I would prefer not to.