Guys: What about compatibility?

We've talked on this forum about how guys are visually oriented and they're all looking for a beautiful wife. Fine, I'll take that at face value.

But my follow-up question to that would be: Do men think about compatibility at all, and if so, at what point? And how important is it?

By compatibility I'm talking about values, personality, intelligence, humor, etc.

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

Just wanting to get a clearer picture of how guys think. No offense whatsoever intended. Thanks!

Jenster said:

We've talked on this forum about how guys are visually oriented and they're all looking for a beautiful wife. Fine, I'll take that at face value.

But my follow-up question to that would be: Do men think about compatibility at all, and if so, at what point? And how important is it?

By compatibility I'm talking about values, personality, intelligence, humor, etc.

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

Just wanting to get a clearer picture of how guys think. No offense whatsoever intended. Thanks!

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I'm not a man, but if I was a man I would feel insulted by these questions.

Seriously.

Jenster, you're scaring me... Oh dear if guys aren't bothered about compatibility...
I meant that as in "i've never thought about it like that". I'm interested to read the responses.

I don't judge books by their covers. You end up with either really boring books, or really weird ones that way. Frankly, I like to read too much to base my initial opinion on a book simply by what the cover looks like.

I'm not a man, but if I was a man I would feel insulted by these questions.... Oh wait, I am a man. And I do feel insulted.

Yes, of course, when guys consider a woman for a long-term relationship they consider compatiblity (at least the sanes one do).

simmeringabsolute said:

I'm not a man, but if I was a man I would feel insulted by these questions.... Oh wait, I am a man. And I do feel insulted.

Yes, of course, when guys consider a woman for a long-term relationship they consider compatiblity (at least the sanes one do).

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I think you are one of the funniest guys on this forum...along with that Homer Simpson guy...what's his name again?


Erm.......hmmmm........you know, the Ickle guy

First she must be attractive, then I go ask her out. After several dates, I'll have a better understanding of her inward qualities. Say I have a high standard, but I need someone who's both attractive on the inside and out. Pretty simple stuff.

simmeringabsolute said:

I'm not a man, but if I was a man I would feel insulted by these questions.... Oh wait, I am a man. And I do feel insulted.

Yes, of course, when guys consider a woman for a long-term relationship they consider compatiblity (at least the sanes one do).

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but do they do this after having considered appearance?

Oh wait, we weren't talking about books?

intricatic said:

Oh wait, we weren't talking about books?

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Oh course we were *pats intricatic on the head, marvelling at the purity of his little soul*

We do talk a lot about how men are visually-oriented, so maybe it would help to hear more about their process as they get to know someone. You know, insight into the brain of the other half of the species and all that.

And yes, I'm sure they consider compatibility.

Jenster said:

I mean, do men tend to choose someone based on looks and then "find the good qualities about her" after that?

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Well, if we can see that the good qualities aren't there, good looks won't make us pretend that they are. Looks are important. Compatibility is important. I'm looking for both.

Macrina said:

We do talk a lot about how men are visually-oriented, so maybe it would help to hear more about their process as they get to know someone. You know, insight into the brain of the other half of the species and all that.

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Well, precisely. How will we know if we don't ask?

I appreciate the guys who replied. (LOL, intricatic!) It makes sense that for some men, the looks come first then the compatibility after that (which you figure out over several dates). It's not always like that for women.

BTW, Gardener, feel free to get as insulted as you like. As already said in the OP, no offense was intended.

For me, that's really the first thing I'm looking for, how compatible we are/will be. How is her relationship with God? Where is she in ministry, where does she feel she's going? How's her personality in comparison to mine? Not looking for a eerily creepy clone, but do we connect? Do we think on the same wave length about 'simple' things/overall interests? What are her goals in comparison to mine ministorially, family/life wise, career-wise? Basically, what's important to her, what's her goals, ambition, dreams? What is God showing me, how can I be a blessing to her? Friendship or potential relationship? Do I line up with what she's looking for? How do I feel about her, do I feel peace when I'm around her, does she? These are some of the things that are going through my mind, spirit.

Sure, looks play into it, but to a degree. I'm not only thinking about how she looks. If it's something like an overweight issue, I'm thinking "why" as opposed to just looking at her and saying, no way. Some folks have legitimate health issues, or other challenges are going on. But overall and typically, I'm looking for someone healthy, not a super stick, but someone who's healthy and taking care of themself.

I think when you sit down and get to know someone, that's when these things reveal themselves, and through prayer. Looks can only get you so far. A carton of milk can look good when you're thirsty, but what good is it if you don't look, see and smell that it's one month old? too late...gulp... But at the same time, it's a factor.

But once I get past the initial meeting of someone and spend some time with them, these are the things I'm considering, thinking about. Sometimes it works for me, and keeps me out of bad situations. Other times against me lol, since sometimes I wonder if I'm thinking too much, not acting and missing out. Sometimes, you just have to step out on faith and say, hi, how are you, would you like to get a soda?

It can get frustrating. While it's good to think all of these things out, I'm so busy thinking, I don't do enough talking It's a balance, you've got to be careful not to rule out someone because they don't meet every single thing. That's why I pray for guidance. I don't believe in 'soul mates', but I do believe in making God-lead choices. There's been times that things haven't worked out like I've originally wanted. But in the end, it turned out God was looking out for me, and it was for my good.

*breathes*

hmm...oh, compatibility. Err yes, compatibility. Ya, it's important

sry, double post

I'm insulted by the implication!

Okay, maybe not.

It's a thing that varies from guy to guy, I don't think physique and appearance necessarily rule someone out, and I tend not to make snap assumptions about people based on that criteria, but it does play a part in attraction.

Well I have to admit that appearance plays a factor in catching my attention, but the same can be said for how she positions herself with the people around her. Depending on the guy, looks can get a girl a long ways... but. When it comes down to the wire and you two are at odds for whatever reason... it's not looks that will get you through it. And since we're talking about long-term relationships (correct?) then it is completely necessary to look beyond "looks". Now it's probably common knowledge to look more than skin deep, but as I mentioned previous... I feel the single biggest reason why it is necessary is to weather those storms when they do come. Because they will come.

zay said:

For me, that's really the first thing I'm looking for, how compatible we are/will be. How is her relationship with God? Where is she in ministry, where does she feel she's going? How's her personality in comparison to mine? Not looking for a eerily creepy clone, but do we connect? Do we think on the same wave length about 'simple' things/overall interests? What are her goals in comparison to mine ministorially, family/life wise, career-wise? Basically, what's important to her, what's her goals, ambition, dreams? What is God showing me, how can I be a blessing to her? Friendship or potential relationship? Do I line up with what she's looking for? How do I feel about her, do I feel peace when I'm around her, does she? These are some of the things that are going through my mind, spirit.

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Phew! There is a LOT going through your mind, bro! But it's all good. I'm glad I'm not the only one who analyzes things every which way but sideways. Those are excellent questions to be asking, especially the "feeling at peace" part. I'd never thought of it that way -- so often the excitement of romance is held up as being a sign of love -- but you're right, and of course prayer is important when seeking a God-led relationship, absolutely.

intricatic said:

It's a thing that varies from guy to guy, I don't think physique and appearance necessarily rule someone out, and I tend not to make snap assumptions about people based on that criteria, but it does play a part in attraction.

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You know, I think you'll end up with someone who is GREAT match for you, intricatic, because you're looking at all the factors that make up the person. It sounds like you'll give yourself the chance to get to know someone, including the parts that might not be immediately apparent.

Reborn_in_Christ said:

Well I have to admit that appearance plays a factor in catching my attention, but the same can be said for how she positions herself with the people around her. Depending on the guy, looks can get a girl a long ways... but. When it comes down to the wire and you two are at odds for whatever reason... it's not looks that will get you through it. And since we're talking about long-term relationships (correct?) then it is completely necessary to look beyond "looks". Now it's probably common knowledge to look more than skin deep, but as I mentioned previous... I feel the single biggest reason why it is necessary is to weather those storms when they do come. Because they will come.

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Yeah, that's so true, Reborn. When two people are fighting, one person isn't going to suddenly feel like everything's okay just because they find the other person attractive.

And FWIW, if the reality is that many men look at the outside first, before checking out the inside, that's cool. That's the way it is. It's just good to know how the process works (again, for SOME men) and have it explained a little more fully. It helps things make more sense to me, actually. Thanks, guys!

joanna1 said:

but do they do this after having considered appearance?

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Very true. If a woman doesn't do it for me in the looks category it's no dice. All the other stuff is fringe benefits.

Compatibility is very important to me. My CC is attractive because we have a number of things in common. If two people do not have a great deal of common ground, the relationship is probably doomed.

People say both parties should be Christian and that is fine. But if one likes Mozart and the other one is into monster truck rallies, there may be some issues to sort out.