Guilt!!!

[AutumnDreamer]

Babies need to learn that your not just going to pick them up everytime they cry. They need to learn how to self settle, you can not make your life all about them.

If all your doing is giving in to them and doing what they want, when they want. Your just teaching them how to be selfish self centered people.

Yup, definitely going to upset some people. This couldn't be further from the truth! When you are upset what do you do? Do you self settle? Or do you run to your mom? Or your family? Friends? God? Babies do not need to learn how to self settle, they need to know that somewhere is there to comfort them when they are upset.

What makes a child selfish is giving into material things, and temper tantrums, not giving them too much love and comfort, that is just ridiculous!

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Do please excuse the intrusion. I am no mother of a child, but have only my dogs that I have raised in comparison. But with babysitting children and having raised and trained my own dogs, there truly is so many similarities. Through raising my own dogs, we have to do this as well. You put the young pup in its crate for hte night and you do NOT let it out. If you do, they will learn to cry harder and longer until you give in again. Once you do, now the DOG is in control and you are no longer the "parent". Now you are the object that gives them whatever they want.

You are doing exactly the right thing. A child needs consistency and rules, even from the start. In fact, if anything I would be the one to say THOSE mothers are the ones that are doing the wrong thing. A child needs love, but love alone without consistency and discipline is going to turn them into a little brat that doesn't understand the importance of patience and the lesson that life truly isn't fair; you don't always get what you want.

I find it very insulting to compare a child to a dog! I have a dog, I have had him since he was 7 weeks old, I didn't let him cry it out in his crate either, I sat with him until he settled down and went to sleep, and people are amazed with how well trained he is. Love is not something that should be given only when it is convient. New Creation, I am not in anyway saying you are denying your child Love. You are asking about this. I know what it feels like to need that time alone. Night time is the only time I get also, so I have always put my kids to bed at 8 and my oldest is 11. What I am disputing is the attitude behind some of the response you are getting.

 

[tessas212]

I find it very insulting to compare a child to a dog! I have a dog, I have had him since he was 7 weeks old, I didn't let him cry it out in his crate either, I sat with him until he settled down and went to sleep, and people are amazed with how well trained he is. Love is not something that should be given only when it is convient. New Creation, I am not in anyway saying you are denying your child Love. You are asking about this. I know what it feels like to need that time alone. Night time is the only time I get also, so I have always put my kids to bed at 8 and my oldest is 11. What I am disputing is the attitude behind some of the response you are getting.

Find it insulting if you wish. It does not bother me at all. I am a dog trainer. My dogs ARE my children to me. And in all reality, it really shouldn't be all that upsetting because of the reality that all living things learn through operant and classical conditioning. Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, and negative punishment are all laws of learning that every living animal(including humans) learn from. So applying the same method you would to a small puppy that is crying in its crate is really not that far a stretch from not picking up a baby from its crib when it cries at night.

In the dog training world we have a saying, there are those that know how to raise a dog, those that raise a completely unruly dog, and those that have no clue but are just plain darn lucky! You, my friend, were lucky.

I will still stick to my guns. A parent shouldn't give into a child's every want, that includes putting them to bed at night and making them stay there so long as nothing is wrong.

 

[Beth1231]

There is scientific evidence that letting a young infant CIO night after night "conditions" them to realizing that no one will come to tend to their needs when they cry. I've talked to moms and I've done it a few times myself as a nanny when you let a young baby CIO only to discover that the little one was wailing about a dirty diaper or had a temperature or something was amiss with their garment. Mothers are designed to go comfort and soothe their babies when they cry. This "classical conditioning" talk is to reteach the Mama just as much as the baby from God-given insticts

 

[DonnaB]

I will still stick to my guns. A parent shouldn't give into a child's every want, that includes putting them to bed at night and making them stay there so long as nothing is wrong.

I agree with you, that we shouldn't give in to a child's every want. However, I don't think a 10 month old is being needy when they cry in bed by themsleves--I don't view that as a want, but rather as a need.

I don't think non-CIO parents are permissive, we just define want and need differently.

 

[DonnaB]

There is scientific evidence that letting a young infant CIO night after night "conditions" them to realizing that no one will come to tend to their needs when they cry. I've talked to moms and I've done it a few times myself as a nanny when you let a young baby CIO only to discover that the little one was wailing about a dirty diaper or had a temperature or something was amiss with their garment. Mothers are designed to go comfort and soothe their babies when they cry. This "classical conditioning" talk is to reteach the Mama just as much as the baby from God-given insticts

Thus, the physical reaction I have every time DD cries. When she was a baby it was an immediate, physical and emotional response. Every bit of me screamed "Pick her up!!"

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Find it insulting if you wish. It does not bother me at all. I am a dog trainer. My dogs ARE my children to me. And in all reality, it really shouldn't be all that upsetting because of the reality that all living things learn through operant and classical conditioning. Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, and negative punishment are all laws of learning that every living animal(including humans) learn from. So applying the same method you would to a small puppy that is crying in its crate is really not that far a stretch from not picking up a baby from its crib when it cries at night.

In the dog training world we have a saying, there are those that know how to raise a dog, those that raise a completely unruly dog, and those that have no clue but are just plain darn lucky! You, my friend, were lucky.

I will still stick to my guns. A parent shouldn't give into a child's every want, that includes putting them to bed at night and making them stay there so long as nothing is wrong.

And there is a saying we in the child rearing world have "I did all my best parenting before I had my own children." You can stick to your guns all you want, but until you have a child of your own that is dependant soley on you for Love, comfort, support, and discipline, then you really can't say what will work and what won't. Sure you can give an opinion, anyone can, but personal experience counts for a lot when you are talking about children.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

Thus, the physical reaction I have every time DD cries. When she was a baby it was an immediate, physical and emotional response. Every bit of me screamed "Pick her up!!"

ITA there is a reason that a mothers breast starts to leak just from hearing her baby cry.

 

[RoseofLima]

Find it insulting if you wish. It does not bother me at all. I am a dog trainer. My dogs ARE my children to me. And in all reality, it really shouldn't be all that upsetting because of the reality that all living things learn through operant and classical conditioning. Positive reinforcement, negative reinforcement, positive punishment, and negative punishment are all laws of learning that every living animal(including humans) learn from. So applying the same method you would to a small puppy that is crying in its crate is really not that far a stretch from not picking up a baby from its crib when it cries at night.

In the dog training world we have a saying, there are those that know how to raise a dog, those that raise a completely unruly dog, and those that have no clue but are just plain darn lucky! You, my friend, were lucky.

I will still stick to my guns. A parent shouldn't give into a child's every want, that includes putting them to bed at night and making them stay there so long as nothing is wrong.

I apparently have one heck of a streak of luck....

 

[Kazamataz]

Yup, definitely going to upset some people. This couldn't be further from the truth! When you are upset what do you do? Do you self settle? Or do you run to your mom? Or your family? Friends? God? Babies do not need to learn how to self settle, they need to know that somewhere is there to comfort them when they are upset.

What makes a child selfish is giving into material things, and temper tantrums, not giving them too much love and comfort, that is just ridiculous!

one word: Mis-interpreting!

 

[Kazamataz]

There is scientific evidence that letting a young infant CIO night after night "conditions" them to realizing that no one will come to tend to their needs when they cry. I've talked to moms and I've done it a few times myself as a nanny when you let a young baby CIO only to discover that the little one was wailing about a dirty diaper or had a temperature or something was amiss with their garment. Mothers are designed to go comfort and soothe their babies when they cry. This "classical conditioning" talk is to reteach the Mama just as much as the baby from God-given insticts

Alot of people don't understand the process of controlled crying or crying it out.

Your meant to go through a check list

babies WELL feed
babies been burped
babies changed
baby is comfortable

once you've gone through all of these then and only then should you put bubs down.

then you should sit by there bed for 10mins keeping them calm.

then leave the room while they are still calm.

once they start to cry you should only leave them a max of 10mins.

once the 10mins is up go back in pick them up do a check of temp, if they are wet or dirty, all the things that can cause them to be unsettled.

calm them back down then put them down.

if they cry again just repeat the process.

the problem with the scientific evidence that keeps getting quoted in here is that there is alot of research that goes against what's been said.

it's strongly believed that babie resist sleep for the first 10mins.
think about older kids they try anything to stay awake just that bit longer.
it's believed babies are the same.

the only way a baby will begin to belive that if they cry no one will come. is if you leave your baby to cry for hours and hours on end and don't follow the controlled crying, crying it out method.

 

[AutumnDreamer]

one word: Mis-interpreting!

I didn't mis interpret anything, at 10 months old a baby is not trying to get its own way by crying. If this was a 2 or three year old then I would say maybe, but not at this young. I will concede that sometimes babies need to cry, just like sometimes I need to cry, however I don't want to sit and cry alone, I want my husband or my pastor or my best friend sitting there with me while I cry, holding me, and comforting me, so isn't it only fair that a small child who has even been on the earth for a year should have someone holding them while they cry even if it is simply b/c they want to be held? Babies are held and comforted for the first nine months of their lives, then all of a sudden they are thrown into our world and expected to learn, sometimes within a few weeks, that they should learn to comfort themself? That idea is ridiculous! They have their whole life to learn that.

 

[DonnaB]

I didn't mis interpret anything, at 10 months old a baby is not trying to get its own way by crying. If this was a 2 or three year old then I would say maybe, but not at this young. I will concede that sometimes babies need to cry, just like sometimes I need to cry, however I don't want to sit and cry alone, I want my husband or my pastor or my best friend sitting there with me while I cry, holding me, and comforting me, so isn't it only fair that a small child who has even been on the earth for a year should have someone holding them while they cry even if it is simply b/c they want to be held? Babies are held and comforted for the first nine months of their lives, then all of a sudden they are thrown into our world and expected to learn, sometimes within a few weeks, that they should learn to comfort themself? That idea is ridiculous! They have their whole life to learn that.

Yep! Children are just like us Babies are not manipulating us by crying.

I'm not saying that parents who do CIO are bad people, or that their kids will be scarred for life, etc--but I don't think it is the best solution. Just like punishing kids for getting upset is nuts to me (if I can't control my emotions 24/7 how is my 2 year old supposed to?) letting them CIO, and trying to train them like this is contrary to what humans need from each other.

I know there are times you need to put baby down--whether it is exhaustion, frustration, the need for a sandwich or shower...there are times it is better to put baby down than for a stressed out mommy to hold them. I also think it is fine to try to help baby to learn to sleep on their own, using the method I outlined above--no more than 1-2 minutes of crying, etc.

 

[katelyn]

I think it's hard to be confident (or on the flip side for some people, perhaps easy to be arrogant) when you have the mindset that there must be some clean set of rules to follow in parenting (or any area of life). The truth is that there aren't black-and-white rules for parenting - it's *hard* and success with any method is rarely immediate, and the Bible is silent about things like CIO, so we just have to do our best to figure out the right thing to do for our children while testing each idea against what we DO know about the nature of God.

I don't really think it matters what side of the issue you're on (see my no CIO blinkie? ); if you get concerned about rules and "doing it right," other people's confidence (and perhaps success) in a way that's different from what you're doing will make you doubt yourself - or possibly make you judgmental against those who are different from you, because if you are in a rules mentality, there can only be one right way, right?

 

[RooMama]

So applying the same method you would to a small puppy that is crying in its crate is really not that far a stretch from not picking up a baby from its crib when it cries at night.

Actually, I think is quite a stretch. By the time a puppy is old enough for crate training, it is weaned and old enough to be separated from it's mother. In other words, it is past it's infancy. A baby is still an infant and needs it's mother's arms and attention.

 

[Beth1231]

I think it's hard to be confident (or on the flip side for some people, perhaps easy to be arrogant) when you have the mindset that there must be some clean set of rules to follow in parenting (or any area of life). The truth is that there aren't black-and-white rules for parenting - it's *hard* and success with any method is rarely immediate, and the Bible is silent about things like CIO, so we just have to do our best to figure out the right thing to do for our children while testing each idea against what we DO know about the nature of God.

I don't really think it matters what side of the issue you're on (see my no CIO blinkie? ); if you get concerned about rules and "doing it right," other people's confidence (and perhaps success) in a way that's different from what you're doing will make you doubt yourself - or possibly make you judgmental against those who are different from you, because if you are in a rules mentality, there can only be one right way, right?

This is so true! When we caught up in the x amount of minutes, x amount of times, how can a Mama possibly feel supported and good about following her own insticts? Sometimes those instincts might be to let the baby cry for five to ten minutes while rubbing their back and helping them get to sleep. Other times, it might be to nurse them to sleep. Books that try to put parenting into nice, neat little rule slots cause more division between mothers than anything else I know of.

 

[marezee]

I apparently have one heck of a streak of luck....

God bless you with all those babies!!! You are now considered a pro! Everyone should at least "listen" to your advice! Be blessed!

 

[marezee]

I tried to follow the advice of letting my first born "cry it out"...it almost killed me! I let him cry and cry...I think it was almost 30min. No one told me to pick him up or check on him after 10 min. I still feel guilty for that night!! Since then, I have done my own thing when it comes to bed time routines. My boys never cried themselves to sleep. Now all three go to bed without any problems...I think they know that we are there if they need us. They are 4, 3, and 20 months. I thought I'd never get to this point, but it happened! It takes a lot of time, patience, love and care.

 

[Athene]

Alot of people don't understand the process of controlled crying or crying it out.

Your meant to go through a check list

babies WELL feed
babies been burped
babies changed
baby is comfortable

once you've gone through all of these then and only then should you put bubs down.

then you should sit by there bed for 10mins keeping them calm.

then leave the room while they are still calm.

once they start to cry you should only leave them a max of 10mins.

once the 10mins is up go back in pick them up do a check of temp, if they are wet or dirty, all the things that can cause them to be unsettled.

calm them back down then put them down.

if they cry again just repeat the process.

the problem with the scientific evidence that keeps getting quoted in here is that there is alot of research that goes against what's been said.

it's strongly believed that babie resist sleep for the first 10mins.
think about older kids they try anything to stay awake just that bit longer.
it's believed babies are the same.

the only way a baby will begin to belive that if they cry no one will come. is if you leave your baby to cry for hours and hours on end and don't follow the controlled crying, crying it out method.

Your checklist makes babies sound like those little tamagotchi (spelling?) pets, my daughter had one and if it hadn't been fed or played with or took to the toilet it would become miserable so you'd have to check through each option to see if that was what was causing the pet to be miserable. I hope it doesn't need to be pointed out that babies are very different from virtual pets.

I do not care for that cold clinical approach to parenting that you describe, I'd rather go with my instincts and raise babies the way nature intended, which is to be responsive to their needs, which is to have baby near me at all times so I can be responsive.

 

[Kazamataz]

I didn't mis interpret anything, at 10 months old a baby is not trying to get its own way by crying. If this was a 2 or three year old then I would say maybe, but not at this young. I will concede that sometimes babies need to cry, just like sometimes I need to cry, however I don't want to sit and cry alone, I want my husband or my pastor or my best friend sitting there with me while I cry, holding me, and comforting me, so isn't it only fair that a small child who has even been on the earth for a year should have someone holding them while they cry even if it is simply b/c they want to be held? Babies are held and comforted for the first nine months of their lives, then all of a sudden they are thrown into our world and expected to learn, sometimes within a few weeks, that they should learn to comfort themself? That idea is ridiculous! They have their whole life to learn that.

you are totally missing the point your choosing to ignore the word

HABIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I clearly said if you create a HABIT of giving into your children pacifiering them whenever they cry, giving in whenever they want something, teaching them all they have to do is cry and they get there own way.

THAT is what creates selfish, self centeredness.

I DIDN'T IN ANYWAY STATE THAT COMFORTING YOUR BABY IS WRONG OR THAT IT CREATES SELFISH BABIES.

what makes people selfish is when they are taught from day one they are the center of the universe that this HABIT is continued from babies to when they are 4, 10, 15, 21 and so on.

Get off your high horse and actually read peoples post before you start pointing the finger!