Got engaged - need perspective.

[xBeex]

Hi everyone,

Me and my fiance are 24 years old.
My fiance proposed to me recently on the 15th March. We have been together for one year and five months and have known each other longer (two years). We aren't in a great situation at the moment - what I am about to say will probably irk some people which is understandable: My fiance and I had moved in together for a full time volunteer placement (I know that wasn't the greatest idea but it has happened now), we were living in that situation for seven months and were supposed to for 12 months but unfortunately the placement wasn't going to give us all the training we needed and my fiance got rsi (due to being made to use equipment not right for the task) so we had to leave. Now we are living in my mum and dad's place which isn't ideal, I am still doing driving lessons and am hoping to get those done as quick as I can so that I can get on with a career. My fiance has got a great opportunity ahead and it looks like he will be getting a brilliant full time job soon so finances should improve although we do have some savings at the moment.

When he gave me the ring, he seemed so keen to get married this year but now due to stress at home and wanting to be independent it is important to move out and hopefully put a mortgage down for a house together. It seems that is going to be coming before the wedding now and it looks like the wedding could be moving to next year after that.

The thing is though that I feel like I don't want to have the wedding put off for too long because 1.) it would be nice to make it official and make a commitment to be together forever, and 2.) I don't want to be upsetting God any more and I want my relationship to become a blessed marriage. If it was up to me I would have a simple ceremony with only close family and no party which is more my style and would be more affordable and would mean that we can move out and get married in the same year. BUT my fiance wants ALL of his family down and some would be travelling quite a way so we would have to put on a full blown celebration in that case which would cost a lot more.

I don't know....I am one of those people who want to know what I am doing whereas he is more laid back. My situation is not brilliant at the moment due to my lack of driving license holding me back and my volunteer placement having cost me more than I received back in training as there were budget costs - I was so hoping that the placement would set me up for a job and now I am back to square one after 7 months. It is very frustrating working so hard and not getting anywhere.

Any thoughts would be welcome, please don't be too harsh...I know I haven't gone about things that way God would have wanted me to and I didn't realise till it was too late! I know the relationship has a lot of potential as we are both Christians and similar perspectives. A lot of guys my age are heavily interested in partying, sleeping with as many girls as possible and being a bachelor so that is why my fiance seems like such a gem. It just upsets me that starting a life together properly is proving so hard however I am blessed that God is giving my fiance such a great job opportunity showing that he wants us to sort things out. I am not a materialistic person, to me the most important thing in a wedding is that we would be committing ourselves to each other. My fear is that there may not be enough motivation for him to get married to me which is my fault.

Don't get me wrong I would love for him to have all of his loved ones down and to have an amazing celebration, it is just that I would see it as leaving us with no money after the day and starting marriage struggling.

Another problem is that we both work at a bar like once or twice a month and with this opportunity coming up and with it not being the best thing for a christian I feel like we should move on from that.....or am I being silly??

 

[LinkH]

Something important to remind him of is the fact that there will be no sex before marriage, and there are some benefits to being married. If those are the parameters, biology may drive him in the direction of getting married earlier.

 

[xBeex]

Something important to remind him of is the fact that there will be no sex before marriage, and there are some benefits to being married. If those are the parameters, biology may drive him in the direction of getting married earlier.

That is a good point. But...

When we first started dating we both found out that we were both virgins and christians and we felt such a connection. He said that after a month he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. At that moment, I was convinced that sex was okay as long as it was in a loving relationship and because I felt sure that I wanted to be with him permanently! However, once we started being intimate that is where some problems arose and all my insecurities started.....I definitely made a mistake and didn't realise that mistake till later on. Now that I look back, that is where it went wrong! I would stop doing things sexually with him as I think that although I have a healthy drive I would be able to resist temptation. Only thing is that I would be worried that he would go back to porn (he has never watched it whilst with me) but had problems with it before (and also other stuff that I cannot disclose) and would be sexually tempted to think about other people. :o

I feel like I am in a horrible dilemma . It also feels like there is no incentive for him to marry me as what would be different?

I really would love a marriage modelled on Godly principles and I wish it was easier to do that. My fiance is a newer christian than me (not saying that I am a stronger christian) but when we first started dating he thought it was okay to do things like visit nightclubs with his friends without me, but that has changed now although I wish it hadn't had to come down to me to mention my feelings. His friends didn't even know that he is a christian til I told him how unhappy this made me feel! Since then he has grown more to realise what I and God need him to be and has gotten more courage to do this.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

That is a good point. But...

When we first started dating we both found out that we were both virgins and christians and we felt such a connection. He said that after a month he knew that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. At that moment, I was convinced that sex was okay as long as it was in a loving relationship and because I felt sure that I wanted to be with him permanently! However, once we started being intimate that is where some problems arose and all my insecurities started.....I definitely made a mistake and didn't realise that mistake till later on. Now that I look back, that is where it went wrong! I would stop doing things sexually with him as I think that although I have a healthy drive I would be able to resist temptation. Only thing is that I would be worried that he would go back to porn (he has never watched it whilst with me) but had problems with it before (and also other stuff that I cannot disclose) and would be sexually tempted to think about other people. :o

I feel like I am in a horrible dilemma . It also feels like there is no incentive for him to marry me as what would be different?

I really would love a marriage modelled on Godly principles and I wish it was easier to do that. My fiance is a newer christian than me (not saying that I am a stronger christian) but when we first started dating he thought it was okay to do things like visit nightclubs with his friends without me, but that has changed now although I wish it hadn't had to come down to me to mention my feelings. His friends didn't even know that he is a christian til I told him how unhappy this made me feel! Since then he has grown more to realise what I and God need him to be and has gotten more courage to do this.

So you feel like if you tell him, "hey, I am uncomfortable living this way and want to stop" that he will possibly cheat on you? First, if that's true -- that's bad. That's not a good marriage candidate. Have you told him all the stuff you've told us and how you feel? That should be discussed, if not. How you feel should be extremely important to him. His reaction to what you tell him ought to say a lot about whether or not you guys really should get married. If he's asked you to marry him and is wanting to plan your lives, buy a house, etc --- then he sounds pretty serious --- so I would expect him to take your thoughts into deep consideration.

You guys can always compromise and have a small wedding or whatever and then have your big official wedding later. My cousin did that. They got married months and months before their "official" wedding for a variety of reasons. Nobody looked down on them for that.

 

[xBeex]

Hi,

I don't think that he would cheat on me with another person but I would be worried about him going back to porn as it is always accessible. I have discussed it with him and he did say that he wouldn't go back to it if we decided to abstain but how can he know for sure? I am one of those people who like to bring my concerns and all I want is reassurance but a lot of the time he will just walk out on me and turn his phone off for hours when I never wanted it to turn into an argument. Maybe I am the problem and need to chill out more?

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Umm, walking out and turning off his phone for hours is pretty childish. I don't think it sounds like you are the problem in that area. If he is willing to abstain, though, and says he will not go back to porn, it probably hurts a lot that you aren't willing to trust him. So I can understand why he is getting mad about it. How would you feel if you told him you wouldn't do something and he did not believe you?

 

[xBeex]

Umm, walking out and turning off his phone for hours is pretty childish. I don't think it sounds like you are the problem in that area. If he is willing to abstain, though, and says he will not go back to porn, it probably hurts a lot that you aren't willing to trust him. So I can understand why he is getting mad about it. How would you feel if you told him you wouldn't do something and he did not believe you?

I understand that he may feel that way. A big problem of mine is difficulty trusting due to my nature and my childhood, but I did have trust in him in the beginning, I guess I started feeling like that trust was abused when at the beginning of the relationship he would go out to nightclubs with his friends (and went for New Year without even asking me) making me feel sad and wondering what was happening. It felt like I wasn't someone whom he considered a priority. I know that he isn't the type to cheat but I still think that partying in a relationship where lots of alcohol could be consumed is not very considerate of your partner - he knows that was wrong now.

He still hasn't switched his phone on and it is now 5pm here, last time I talked to him was 10pm last night. It hurts that he could just blank me out like that and not care enough about me to at least let me know what is going on.

In the last 7 months that I have lived with him, I have discovered so much I didn't want to see (not that I am expecting perfection) - stuff that is too big for me to not think about.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

Running away and shutting the other person out is not a mature or an effective way of dealing with conflict. I would point that out to him just like you pointed out that you did not like the partying that he used to do. If he is a person that needs some time to simmer down, maybe that is OK, but he needs to say as much and not just shut off his phone.

When we marry, we marry a sinner. And our spouse marries a sinner. When the honeymoon period ends and we start to see the real them that is a tough time of transition which is probably why the first year is said to be the hardest in a lot of cases. The thing is, we are called to repent and to forgive. That is a process that will be lifelong. Marriage is supposed to reflect a relationship between Christ and the church.

There are not many Biblical reasons for divorce, so being careful in choosing who you marry is imperative.

Any relationship is going to take work, but a relationship that puts God first is going to be the one that is most likely to be successful. If you both put principles from the Bible into your relationship/marriage, it works.

If you do it your way or the world's way, it usually goes much harder.

I know this from first hand experience because I did the whole "well we love each other, so sex is OK" thing, and the living together with the intent of being married one day thing, etc back before I was a Christian. Looking back, those relationships were painful and not fulfilling whatsoever. There was a lot of insecurity and turmoil.

With my husband - we waited for each other. We did premarital counseling with a Pastor while we were engaged. It has just been an entirely different experience. Like night and day.

 

[xBeex]

Running away and shutting the other person out is not a mature or an effective way of dealing with conflict. I would point that out to him just like you pointed out that you did not like the partying that he used to do. If he is a person that needs some time to simmer down, maybe that is OK, but he needs to say as much and not just shut off his phone.

When we marry, we marry a sinner. And our spouse marries a sinner. When the honeymoon period ends and we start to see the real them that is a tough time of transition which is probably why the first year is said to be the hardest in a lot of cases. The thing is, we are called to repent and to forgive. That is a process that will be lifelong. Marriage is supposed to reflect a relationship between Christ and the church.

There are not many Biblical reasons for divorce, so being careful in choosing who you marry is imperative.

Any relationship is going to take work, but a relationship that puts God first is going to be the one that is most likely to be successful. If you both put principles from the Bible into your relationship/marriage, it works.

If you do it your way or the world's way, it usually goes much harder.

I know this from first hand experience because I did the whole "well we love each other, so sex is OK" thing, and the living together with the intent of being married one day thing, etc back before I was a Christian. Looking back, those relationships were painful and not fulfilling whatsoever. There was a lot of insecurity and turmoil.

With my husband - we waited for each other. We did premarital counseling with a Pastor while we were engaged. It has just been an entirely different experience. Like night and day.

Thanks for the advice. I can see that what you are saying is wise and also very truthful. I so wish that I had gone about things differently. I thought about getting premarital counselling but I don't think that there is anything like that available around here and my fiance didn't seem keen. I have been wanting to go to church, it is my ibs that keeps putting me off though.

 

[Mrs. Luther073082]

In Florida (where we got married) you actually could get a discount on your marriage licence for completing premarital counseling. The discount, if one exists where you live, could be an incentive if your fiance is reluctant. Our counseling with the Pastor at church was free and at the end we got a little thing saying we'd completed it that we took with us when we went to get the license.