Going backwards

FierceInside · Nov 28, 2010

Ugghh I've been sick the last few days with a stomach bug. Last thing I needed... I feel a little better now but still not 100. Ya Court I'm facing some big time decisions. It's been really stressing me out and just has been so hard for me to think about at times. It's hard to start caring again, to go from indifference to caring isn't easy. Ya my last try at entry level living wasn't easy at all to say the least. Thinking about getting into fighting again my ban is up so I could fight again. It's just been a long time and my body has been through hell to so it's tough to know if I could get into that kind of shape.

I am starting the spiritual side of my program tomorrow so I will be praying a lot for guidance. It's so hard not knowing what to do with your life. I remember you telling me about your record hurting you like mine has. I'm sorry! It's so tough I know. I just feel so lost and hopeless at times not to mention I can be lonely even if I don't show it.

Hope you're well!

New Creation · Nov 28, 2010

Hey Tara, sorry to hear that you've not been feeling well but glad you are on the mend. I just got back from my trip so things are approaching normal again so I can check in here more frequently!

I am just blown away by all you are doing right now. I am totally floored and in awe. What you are doing takes so much courage and I am so proud of you.

I never had a record to deal with but I never had any schooling at all so I understand completely how scary it is to think about having to get a job in the "real world". I was lucky that I had Lloyd to take care of me for a couple of months before I had to actually get a job so I had some transition time.

My first job outside of the industry was waitressing at a little pub/restaurant. Even working at the pub, I relapsed and started drinking again. I was able to go back the next season though and haven't had a drink since that last relapse. Seven years for me on December 8, the feast day of Our Lady's Immaculate Conception (which I of course didn't know at the time) and the anniversary of John Lennon's death. (Trivia time eh? lol)

Anyway, I remember going for the interview- I was flippin terrified and basically spilled my guts about my entire past- I just didn't know what else to do. Luckily it worked out. People in my town know about my past but either they don't really care anymore or I just don't hear about it. It will be harder for you Tara because you were higher profile, but real people WILL care about you and look straight past that. You've got guts Tara. I think you're going to be ok. (I also think getting a dog would be really good for you!)

BlondieLashes · Nov 29, 2010

Tara- I am so sorry you aren't feeling well! That is hard on top of all you are dealing with. It is difficult to figure out what to do next. I think I told you before that my first job out of the industry was as a personal trainer. It worked for me for 2 reasons: They didn't do background checks, and it was something I knew. You would do really well at it with your experience. The pay really ranges, but the more clients you get the better off you are. You never know...

Yay that you are starting the spiritual portion of the program tomorrow! I will be praying for you! That's awesome!

Hope you feel better and much love,

Court

Coralie · Nov 30, 2010

Still praying for you. Whatever you choose to do after rehab, I hope it brings you peace and supports your recovery. You're amazing.

FierceInside · Dec 3, 2010

Hey Paula! Glad you will be back more I've missed you. How was your trip??

Ya I just don't know what to do for work? It's tough to just think about and scary to. I know I'm gonna have a little help with it though so that's comforting. I feel pretty scared though to be honest.

Court,

Feeling a bit better but having some drama in my life : ( Ya that's another job to think about. It would probably keep me out of trouble to.

Thanks hun!

Hey Coralie!

Thanks so much for the support : )

BlondieLashes · Dec 4, 2010

Tara- Drama again! You poor thing! Does it ever end??? How is the spiritual portion of your program coming along? How are you feeling?

FierceInside · Dec 16, 2010

Court,

I ended up leaving. I just couldn't deal with the drama anymore. I don't like how I get in as much trouble when people talk about me and I react. I was talking about how I had done some music videos and that maybe that would be a good job on the side for me and this guy was like "they don't scout for models at the methadone clinic." I flipped I shouldn't have but what you gonna do you know?? I just can't deal with stuff like that on a constant basis.

BlondieLashes · Dec 16, 2010

Oh Tara! Are you doing okay on your own? How are you coping?

FierceInside · Dec 27, 2010

Doing alright living with my friend right now. I am doing okay on my own. It's just tough at times dealing with the past. I just feel like people will never understand me and will just keep judging me. I don't care what people think but people will never let me forget what I've done. It's hard trying to change for people who will never give you a chance.

BlondieLashes · Dec 28, 2010

It is hard dealing with the past. It really is. I am slowly learning to release the past and live in the present. It is hard when others judge you by it or throw it in your face constantly...We have to remember that we are NEW creations in Christ and the old has passed away! Don't try to do anything for other people...as far as changing who you are...do it for yourself! (Advice for myself as well as you! )

I love you Tara! I am praying for you!

Youbrace · Dec 28, 2010

Tara. I read through your entire story. I had substance abuse
Problems that I beat from counceling and god.

You sound so much better now. I saw so much pain early on in your writings and now I see someone very strong and lots of hope. I am going to say a prayer for you. I hope you are doing well living with your friends. Maybe you should be a writter? . I like your writing style. . Flows easily

Oneofthediaspora · Dec 31, 2010

Hello Tara,

I'm not sure if you remember me. I used to post on here a year about a year ago. In fact the last thing I probably posted to you was Happy New Year
I haven't been around as my own year has been a mad one (3 deaths and 1 birth).

I have just read this thread all the way though and I wanted to tell you how really happy I am for you. You have really done well. You are a very stong person.

I hope you can get back to the spiritual part of the programme.
It's a shame that people will bring up your past and I think this is probably something unique to having been in the sex industry because then your mistakes are all public property. That's the only difference really though. You can bet some of the people making comments have plenty of [bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse][bless and do not curse] in their past or in the darker corners of their minds. They'd do better dwelling on those things than pointing out others past failings.
I reckon it will get easier with time though.

Anyway, thanks for this thread and congratulations big time.

Once again Happy New Year Tara and I hope that 2011 is a good one for you - it is, after all, the beginning of the rest of your life.

Best wishes,
Mike.

FierceInside · Jan 12, 2011

Thanks for all the well wishes guys! I really appreciate them and they give me encouragement to stay clean. Still living with my friend and still heroin free. Things have been pretty normal actually for a change. I haven't been doing much lately just working out and helping him around the house. Helping around the house includes digging out of 2 feet of snow which has showed me how out of shape I have gotten lol. I was dead after the first hour haha. Not in the best mood either though because I was cleaning the bathroom and I hit my head on the rack that holds towels so hard it ripped it out of the wall. Good thing I have a hard head lol!

I'm about to start looking for a job. Probably starting next week I think. I don't know how it's gonna go but I think I should be able to get some sort of work.

Sorry to hear about the deaths in your family Mike. I really am glad to hear you had a birth though! I do remember you and hope you're doing well!

BlondieLashes · Jan 12, 2011

Good to hear from you!!!!! So glad to hear you are still clean!!!! AWESOME!!! That's huge! Yeah, the snow your way has to be horrible. We have snow here too and it's 7 degrees outside, but I know you are dealing with even more weather. Shoveling snow, huh? Not the easiest job in the world! Totally can let you know how out of shape you are in a heartbeat!!!!!!! Sorry you hit your head...I've had one of those days too today... Our puppy chewed a hole in our new couch, it's snowing and I don't drive in the snow and my son is sick (yes- again).

Good for you that you are going to be looking for work soon! You are leaping and bounding!!!!!!! I am so happy for you!!!

Please keep us posted to how you are doing....

Coralie · Jan 13, 2011

It's wonderful to hear you're doing well.

New Creation · Jan 15, 2011

FierceInside said:
Thanks for all the well wishes guys! I really appreciate them and they give me encouragement to stay clean. Still living with my friend and still heroin free. Things have been pretty normal actually for a change. I haven't been doing much lately just working out and helping him around the house. Helping around the house includes digging out of 2 feet of snow which has showed me how out of shape I have gotten lol. I was dead after the first hour haha. Not in the best mood either though because I was cleaning the bathroom and I hit my head on the rack that holds towels so hard it ripped it out of the wall. Good thing I have a hard head lol!

I'm about to start looking for a job. Probably starting next week I think. I don't know how it's gonna go but I think I should be able to get some sort of work.

Sorry to hear about the deaths in your family Mike. I really am glad to hear you had a birth though! I do remember you and hope you're doing well!

That is AMAZING Tara. Good for you. Take your time. Listen for God's voice, He might be helpful in knowing what to do next.

I am SO happy for you Tara. You are a miracle. WAY. TO. GO.

FierceInside · Jan 20, 2011

Thanks so much Court! It means a lot to get support from all you guys : ) I haven't had a craving in a little while which I am really happy about. I use to get them all the time so it's forward progress. I guess we might be getting like another foot or two tomorrow so really not happy about that lol. Hope your son is feeling better!

I hope I get a job really starting to get bored lol. Taking down the Christmas decorations today which we have put off for weeks but besides that not much to do. It's nice to relax but I want to do something you know?

Thanks Coralie!

Thanks Paula! I am really trying to adjust to life. I just lived such a crazy life before it's like learning to walk again. It's hard at times because I know some people want me to be like I was but those people don't need to be in my life.

Thanks Paula!

New Creation · Jan 20, 2011

Hey Tara, THIS

FierceInside said:
I haven't had a craving in a little while which I am really happy about. I use to get them all the time so it's forward progress. !

IS AWESOME. That must be such a relief for you. I still get cravings once in a while but they are mostly situational. You learn to deal. It sounds like you are doing just that. Man, I am just so proud of you honey and sooooooo relieved and happy.

If it is financially possible, I wouldn't rush into a job. I'd recommend some kind of volunteer work first Tara. I was fortunate enough to be able to take almost 4 months off before doing any work and it was really helpful and healing....although I do understand that you want to DO something. That's why I think volunteering is perfect to start with. Maybe even in the dental field? If not, it doesn't really matter what it is at first. It will make you feel really good that you are doing something meaningful, helpful and constructive and it will also open up a new social network for you (and most people who volunteer are people you WANT in your social circle- socially conscious, caring, etc.)

Just a few suggestions that I found worked for me, for what it's worth.

Take good care of yourself Tara and please let us know how you are doing! We love you so much!

FierceInside · Feb 10, 2011

Spoke to soon. I started drinking again. I'm not drinking like everyday but I probably shouldn't at all. I didn't yesterday because I started getting all sweaty and anxious thinking about getting a drink. Most of the time I'm not drinking to much but it really doesn't take to much for me to get drunk anymore. I use to be able to drink a 30 pack in a day but now I'm half in the bag after a 6 pack. I can feel all the crazy thoughts I use to have coming back when i drink.

I know I just have to put myself in better situations. I can't go through life like this. There comes a time when I have to grow up.

BlondieLashes · Feb 10, 2011

I am so sorry to hear you are struggling Tara. You are right, you can't go through life like this. Something's gotta give.... How are you doing with looking for work?

Going backwards

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