Going backwards

[Coralie]

Praying for you Tara.

 

[FierceInside]

Thanks for all the support guys : ) It's hard for me to open up and talk about myself so today was hard. The people seemed pretty nice but I just am not that open of a person plus I feel like I'm dying. I can hardly eat I can hardly think straight it seems my body is convinced it's am dying without heroin.

I tried to sit alone at dinner but a bunch of people sat down by me and I am kinda glad they did. Gave me people to talk to at least. Not that I could eat much or look at food lol. Hope your all doing better than I am... I can't sleep at all so I am just gonna stay up for awhile and listen to music. Hope I can drift off at some point.

 

[BlondieLashes]

You are not dying even though it feels like it. You are just beginning to live!

I am so glad some people came and sat with you at dinner! You need to know you are not alone.

Praying today will be better for you Tara. I love you!

 

[FierceInside]

Thanx so much Court you are right! Yesterday was horrific I was so sick all day. I couldn't go to group I was to sick. They tried to make me but literally could hardly move without getting sick so I think they understood I wan't faking it.

Feeling better today just listening to music now waiting for group. It's hard because like half the people with me talk and the other half are either to dope sick to talk or just not talkers so it's hard when people try and get you to talk. I just am not a big talker when it comes to my feelings. Partly because I internalize and partly because I don't really care in my own way.

Love you to Court! How is your life going? Don't want this be all about me lol....

Gotta run TTYL!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara- Hope it's getting better for you. How are you feeling? (I ask to someone who doesn't like to talk about her feelings...lol!)...

Try to give the talking a shot. There's a reason they do it and it might just help you.


Thinking of you.

p.s. I am doing well. Nothing too interesting going on with me which is good!

 

[BlondieLashes]

How's it going Tara?

 

[FierceInside]

Hey Court : ) Totally forgot to say that the program has an optional spirtual aspect. I am gonna look into it and see what it's about.

I am feeling okay stomach has been bothering me but to be expected. I have settled down a bit I think. Nothing really planned for today I have some group stuff that's about it. I think I am gonna try and workout after group and see how that goes.

Glad to hear you're doing good!

 

[BlondieLashes]

Hey Tara! I'm so glad you are going to look into the spiritual aspect of the program you are in. I think it could really help.

I am glad to hear you have settled down a bit. I can't imagine how hard this is for you.

Cool that you are going to workout. They have a workout facility there I take it?

Keep us posted...

 

[FierceInside]

Court,

Ya they say it's important for people recovering from addictions to have a belief in a higher power. It's worth exploring to say the least.

Ya yesterday was good it felt like I settled but I had a really bad night. Couldn't sleep got sick just felt terrible. I wanted to leave but luckily thought better of it. Didn't stop me from acting like a jerk for a bit. I apologized this morning I do feel bad about it. The withdrawal should be going away soon I hope. I don't like being like that I feel like I tend to explode in bad situations and make an idiot of myself.

Ya there is a little gym so I am trying to get active again.

Hope all is well Court!

 

[BlondieLashes]

I am so glad you didn't leave Tara! I know you know you have to do this. You were so unhappy before and so close to losing your life...this is a chance to get healthy and to have a new life! I am praying for you!

I am sure you are not the first person to lose it and explode. When people are feeling terrible of course they are going to lash out. I wouldn't worry about it too much. ((HUG))

 

[Coralie]

The fact that you are still there & still participating even though you're suffering a lot physically is amazing, and something to be proud of.

I'm still praying for you every day.

 

[meadowlark]

kevin and rob say hi

 

[FierceInside]

I am so mad right now.... This guy I am in rehab with kept talking about how I was a pornstar and how I looked good and things I used to do. It was during down time so it was just him and a few other people and myself but I was just so uncomfortable and I have said before I don't want to talk about my time in porn. So it was just really awkward and I told him to "just shut the f*** up" and he tried to touch me so I hit him and pushed him away. I am so tired of all of this I really am. My past follows me all the time and I can't run from it. I told them either he leaves or I leave I am serious. I don't care I am so serious.

Thank you though for praying for me. I just need to get away from this I really do. Once again trouble always following me : {

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara, you have every right to be angry! I hope that they make this "man" leave! You deserve respect regardless of your past and I hope that the people at the recovery place can see that.

I hope you don't let this affect your recovery though. Don't use it as an excuse not to get clean. You deserve to be clean and living a good life!

 

[Coralie]

Praying.

Don't let this guy determine your future -- you and your wellbeing are infinitely more important than his opinions, or his bad behavior. How he's acting is a reflection on HIM, not a reflection on you.

 

[BlondieLashes]

How are you Tara?

 

[FierceInside]

Basically got a really strong warning that we both we be kicked out if stuff happens again. I get it I do. I mean they can't have fighting. It's just I am so stressed and when I get really stressed I usually lash out in violence if I get mad or annoyed. That's why I get in trouble so much I just can't seem to control myself.

I almost freaked out again today at lunch because I spilled my drink. I wanted to just throw every thing across the room. I mean how stupid is that? Uggghhh wish I didn't act like this. I hate being me most the time because I act so stupid.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Maybe your anger issues can be helped by the therapy there...maybe? Something to talk about next time you are asked to talk about yourself.

Do you know why you have so much anger?

 

[FierceInside]

Ya in the group therapy people ask questions to everyone else and I just get a ton of questions about me doing porn or my stripping. I know they probably mean well but I just don't like talking about it and I don't think I should have to. One of the other patients just won't let it go. She is old and just thinks she knows more then every one else and I just want to be like "ughh you're a patient to.". She is just like "You always put your head down and smile when you get asked about doing porn I know it's a big issue so just talk about it.". It just makes me mad I hate doing group. The doctor says it's important because it helps you acknowledge your problems and helps you realize you aren't the only one with them but I just don't like it. People in the group have been saying I come off like I don't want to be in the group or just like a diva and it just isn't that. I have 2 guys I am cool with but the other people just like make me mad with the questions and stuff. I don't want to answer them you know?

I think I have a lot of anger from a number of things. A good amount started when I was getting molested and stuff when I was younger. It was just a bad time and I was acting out because of it. I wasn't an easy kid to parent though even before then but that just set it off. When I was in Juvi I got jumped and beaten really bad by a bunch of girls. Just kinda made me not trust people. Both made me feel weak and I don't like that. It made me so mad that no one stopped it until I was in the hospital. Then of course just mad about the usual things, arrest record, withdrawal, mad what I've done with my life, hopelessness. I just have a ton of things going on and I put it within and it explodes at times usually making me look like a huge jerk. I have an attitude but I have a other side it's just that people don't get to see it usually. I can be pretty funny and loyal and a good time to be around when I am feeling like I can be myself. It's just hard for me to be like that around people I don't really know.

I don't have a ton of friends but the friends and family I do have I would die for. It's tough because people make assumptions about me based on my past and my what I do for a living. People mostly know me as the pornstar that beat up another one on camera. I know I don't do a ton to make people think better of me though.

 

[New Creation]

Tara, I'm so sorry I haven't been here for you the past few weeks. You have been through hell and back. So glad that Courtney and the others have kept you surrounded in prayer. (I'm back east visiting my family and in-laws with Meaghan and Lloyd)

I can imagine how difficult this all must be for you and then you have the porn stuff on top of it also. Our past always makes things more complicated, doesn't it?

I'm SO glad you have found a couple of people that you feel you can share with safely. I'll bet you feel like you are going to be attacked quite often.
My thoughts are that you could probably throw everyone off and get them off your case by telling your story once and for all. The thing is, is that so many of those people could have been in our shoes and they damn well know it too. That's why people attack the "outsider". Even in a group fillled with outsiders. They are afraid of being the outsider so they make sure as quickly as possible that it's someone other than themselves. Cowards. If they only knew your heart Tara, they would be so ashamed of themselves.

People need to start realizing that women like us are people (gasp!) and we all started off the same. Some terrible circumstances and some bad choices are all it takes and that can happen to ANYONE.

You are in such a vulnerable place right now Tara. I think that keeping your walls up will keep you vulnerable. I think that letting those walls crumble and rebuilding is your best bet.
You have to go to the dark places honey. The ones you have been running from. But dear God, I have so much faith in you, I KNOW Tara, the stuff you are made of. You and I are so alike. And I'll tell you, the anger stuff, I don't know if it ever goes away. But life can and will get better and one day, being an ex porn star won't even be the most important thing about you TO YOU. YOu will realize one day that you are so much more. We SO believe in you Tara. I am so proud of you for this crazy incredible fight that you have put up. You are one hell of a scrapper girl. And you are a precious beautiful daughter of God.

Don't let those hurting fools trip you up. Remember that these people are just as messed up as we are inside and that this is their idiotic way of dealing with their stuff. Maybe a private one on one heart to heart with him would be the best way to disarm him. Just a thought. If you humanize yourself to these people Tara, they may not be so afraid of the dreaded unknown and quit acting so stupid. You are from a world they don't understand so they react the way most immature humans do.
This is an opportunity for you to tell these people about the disdain for human beings that the porn industry has. They are just ignorant Tara. There's only one way to relieve them of their ignorance. And you've got the key my sister.

(You mentioned that there is a spiritual aspect to this program. I'm really glad to hear you want to explore it. Is it possible for you to see a priest for confession and receive Christ in the Eucharist? I think that might be really helpful for you- remember how much it helped during your trial?)

Praying for you every day now and I will offer my next Mass for you. I love you. You are amazing.

(Seems I've always gotta write a novel when I post eh?)