Going backwards

[FierceInside]

Hey Coralie : ) It's not weird I can imagine my life would be interesting in some regards to read about from a person on the outside. I really, really appreciate your support and prayers as Court. More than you realize I am sure. Thank you so much for just telling me you care I can really use friends right now.

Nautical,

I am flying home from the tour on Monday and the hospital wasn't really happy I am waiting so long to go to rehab but I really have to finish the tour. I guess they arranged for people from the clinic I am going to be staying at to pick me up from the airport Monday afternoon. I just have to stay alive until Monday which I think I can do. I have a prescription for subs so that should make withdrawing easier.

I know I do what I do because I have a ton of pain inside and I don't really even know where to start. I'm so broken it feels hopeless to even try but I owe it to the people that for whatever reason care. I just have been like going headlong to this point all my life and it was inevitable that I would OD just surprised I survived. I have been just like horrific since I was like 10 I mean there is a reason for that but I just haven't been the person I should be. At times it feels like I am to far gone.

Court,

Thank you so much for being here for me hun : ) I love you to and won't ever forget that. I would like to blow the tour off but I would be on the hook for a decent amount of money. I think I can be okay enough to make it to Monday. I am dancing tonight but just really taking it easy I have had to do a few features already so it's tough having to push myself but I should be okay. I've just been using my sub and avoided using and have just been drinking a little. It's just til Sunday night so it's not to much longer.

Thank you so much for praying for me and just talking to me for all these years. I know I am not an easy person to listen to or talk to so just thank you for making me feel better about myself at times. Love you : )

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara, Just sending you tons of love and encouragement today....Please be careful and know you are LOVED!

 

[nautical999]

you are not too far gone. I know so many who have been in the industry and have gotten out. Some for longer than others and some who keep going back. But none have been too far gone. Jesus loves you.

 

[BlondieLashes]

How are you Honey? Monday's coming!!!!!!!!!!!!! Hang in there!!!!!!!!!!

 

[FierceInside]

Doing okay I guess. It's been really tough though, really hard. I have been having tons of cravings to use and it's killing me at times. Luckily the subs have been keeping me from getting sick so that's good.

Danced at a club in Atlanta last night and it was terrible. It was more of a hip-hop type club and I just didn't fit in at all. I wasn't feeling to good and I wasn't making much money because my show didn't fit at the club. Start in Florida tonight through Sunday. Really tired tonight but just have to get through it and try and make it home.

Thanks for all the good wishes : )

 

[BlondieLashes]

Sorry you are having such a hard time. I can imagine that the cravings are intense!

Yeah, I can't picture you in a hip hop club! LOL! Florida should be much better for you! Yep...Monday's almost here....YOU CAN DO IT!!!!!!!!!!!! Praying for you Tara...Please keep us posted to how you are. After your last mishap I worry when I don't see you around here...

 

[FierceInside]

I feel like I am going insane.... In ways I knew getting to Monday would be hard but I didn't know it would get this bad. My insides hurt so bad I am drinking so much just to make some of that go away. I can't sleep and I am up freezing in Tampa and I know it isn't cold out. I can hardly get out of bed because I feel so cold I have to put like 3 blankets on. The other girls are gonna start getting up soon and I am gonna feel like even more of a outcast huddling in my heroin den freezing cold. I have been like this before but I would always inject to kill it away. Turning and fighting is so hard it is indescribable. I feel like I am being torn apart from the inside by millions of hands I created.

I really don't want to dance tonight but no choice really. If I had my way I would just sleep in bed till monday. Were dancing at huge club in Tampa and I know I have to be on tonight and the stress is getting to me I guess as well as the physical and mental pain. Just gotta keep pushing I know what I have to do and it isn't to far away.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Oh Tara! I am going to pray for you today/tonight! I can't imagine the pain you are in. You are so strong...you've been through sooooooo much! You have so much potential. You can do this. Call on God girl. He will help you.

I can imagine you would want to just stay in bed. I am pained for you that you have to dance tonight. Two days, girl. Two days. You can do this!

 

[InTheCloud]

Hold fast Tara. You are really strong. You are in my mind Tara.

 

[BlondieLashes]

One more day Tara! You can do it!

 

[nautical999]

Tomorrow is a day of a new age. One more wake up. I am still praying for you as are all here. God Bless.

 

[Coralie]

Praying for you today.

Lord Jesus Christ, son of the Living God, have mercy on your dear one, Tara, and save her.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Monday's here Sweetheart! Let us know how you do in rehab! Praying for you!

 

[FierceInside]

I had a really rough night last night. I was having horrible migraines all day and started using again. It was Halloween so I had to dress up but I could hardly even keep my eyes open. We were in Miami so it was packed all night and it was a big big money night. I managed to put on a pretty decent show but after the club closed I went out and just really, really went nuts. I missed my flight which was kind of early so I had to get another flight later on. I was really fighting self sabotaging myself and just saying to hell with it. I got a later flight and just got to the facility. I can keep my laptop which is cool and it will help me stay in touch with all of you. We will see how this goes I am just going through processing right now so I really am not even through the door but I already am really just feeling weird and like I don't want to do this. I hope the feeling goes away it makes my head hurt even worse.

 

[BlondieLashes]

Tara, I am so glad you made it to rehab. I was worried about that. Take is seriously sis. You can do this....

Sounds like Halloween was tough but you made it through...

 

[Beautiful_Things]

It's not important how you got there the important part is that you got to rehab. Please give it some time Tara even if you want to leave. You're fighting for your life girl and I promise you things do get better on the other side.

Glad you can keep your laptop and please keep in touch!

 

[Coralie]

I am so relieved to read this, been checking in every few hours to see if you posted. Thank God you are OK and made it to rehab. I know you don't feel like this could possibly be true right now, but you are an inspiration... lots of love & prayers.

 

[nautical999]

lots of hugs and kisses. You can do this. Many of us are here to support you. If you need anything at all just ask.

 

[FierceInside]

Yesterday was terrible.... I can't take sub at the place I'm at and the withdrawls made it so I couldn't leave the bed. I have had to do some therapy stuff this morning and I really am not in the mood for it at all. It's hard to think of much besides the pain and how much it hurts to function. I start group in an hour which I'm not to happy about. I know there is like a bit of a buzz about me being here. I haven't really talked to anyone I may seem cocky or something but really I just am kind of feeling shy. I just hate being like I'm Tara and I'm a pornstar. It's like that's all you are or were you know? Guess I have to go though so no real fighting it..... I just want to start feeling better.

 

[BlondieLashes]

I know this has to be painfully hard for you for so many reasons Tara....but you are doing it! I can totally understand why you feel shy and not in the mood for therapy...you are in a rough spot. I am praying for you so much. I just want to see you doing well and enjoying a good life. I know I've said this before, but you are strong, you are tough and you are a fighter! YOU CAN DO THIS!

Is there any sort of spiritual aspect to the program you are in?