God said: "It's not good for man to be alone".

[FireDragon76]

I don't want to answer for the OP, but with at disease like Alzheimer's, one can reasonably argue that the person they made a promise to doesn't really exist anymore. There is, in a sense, nobody to betray. And the person in question certainly isn't keeping their promise (through no fault of their own though).

The question, to me, is what is the promise worth? What good does it do to keep it? As far as I can tell, that's what Jesus tried to teach people, too: it's fine to keep the law, but there's a higher purpose to the law that goes beyond being good at keeping rules. It's about love and common sense, and self-care. I do things that are solely purely self-serving, but it's not just selfishness. Because if I don't take care of myself to a certain degree, I will have less capacity to care for others. It's not always obvious where the line is drawn, and what's right for me and my family isn't necessarily right for another. I see a lot of wrongdoing in this thread, or sin if you will, but it's not on the part of the OP. I see it in the reflexive condemnation of him for not keeping some rule. I think many of us are treating their spouse way worse than he is, but it's convenient that he appears to be breaking a particular commandment, so he's easier to blame than one who spends more time on his smartphone than with his wife.

You're confusing advising against a particular course of action with condemning a person.

People are entitled to have ethical principles. That's not cruel in itself. Of course life is difficult but that's not justification for doing things in an unprincipled manner. Life is difficult for everyone, and our existence is marked by impermanence and dissatisfaction. Yet our ethical principles are what gives vitality to our lives despite that reality.

If marriage means nothing to people, don't get married... I would be the last one to condemn somebody for cohabitating or seeking any other mutually beneficial domestic arrangement. But if you do get married, keep your promises.

 

[Chrystal-J]

I was married young (before I became Catholic) and then divorced. I married again and my 2nd husband became sick, then died. I took care of him with the help of my 1st husband (who also had emphysema). We were able to take care of my 2nd husband with-out any sexual relationship between us (for 10 years). After my 2nd husband passed away, I took care of my 1st husband until his death, 5 years later.
My point is that you can get help with-out involving a "dating" relationship with anyone. I know you need help and the stress is beyond belief! There were days when I didn't think I'd make it, but with the help of Jesus, I did. I prayed a lot and this situation brought me closer to the Lord.
Hope you get the help you need.

 

[Picky Pilot]

"Do unto others as you would have them do unto you."

Betraying the trust of someone you made a promise to isn't okay.

-CryptoLutheran

I certainly DID NOT betray her trust. AND, what I'm doing is okay for everyone involved.
She is the one who asked me to find someone.
You can't imagine the heartbreak she went through after her, so-called church "friends" abandoned her.
Look at her in the photo. All the people from hospice who visit her twice a week say she's the happiest person with Alzheimer's they've ever seen and I am the best caregiver they've ever met.

 

[Picky Pilot]

Is it about "obeying the rules", or is it about being the kind of person who puts others ahead of themselves?

I understand that the situation the OP speaks about is a deeply complicated one. But it's difficult for me to see how betraying one's loved ones in order to satisfy a personal longing is a justifiable position to take.

I don't think the issue has anything to do about rule keeping, and has everything to do with what does it mean to love another human being.

-CryptoLutheran

Loving another person in my case means keeping her in her own home and active socially, going to church, taking her on vacations, taking her to a salon. etc. etc. What about those husbands who drop her off at a memory care facility and go about their lives as if she didn't exist?

 

[AvisG]

A person is married to someone with Alzheimer's and they don't recognize them, know they're married and haven't had any kind of physical relationship in years.
The healthy spouse often dies before the sick one due to loneliness, stress, and grief that can last for years. This happens an astounding 40% of the time.

If he/she, has a relationship outside the marriage and that develops into a caring partnership that benefits the ill spouse... How can that be wrong?

Don't bother quoting marriage vows which were written in the 1400s. "Sickness and in health"?? That's when people got sick and died a day, week or even a month later.
Dementia patients were just thrown out in the streets and died shortly after.
Or worse, churches thought they were demon-possessed and they were tortured until cleansed. (that's where "dementia" comes from).

Does anyone have any solid comments pro or con?

Ye gods, what a perspective.

I didn't say my marriage vows because that's what had been written for me in the 15th century. I said them because I meant them. I regarded them as vows, binding lifetime commitments. A quaint and unpopular perspective, perhaps, to the younger generations today.

"Until death do us part" - a spouse with Alzheimer's or otherwise incapacitated is not dead.

Moreover, any number of studies have indicated that much more of the person you married may still be inside that comatose or Alzheimer's ravaged body than you might think. Continued love, attention and caring are not futile gestures.

Lastly, I believe we will one day face that spouse, and our God, in a better world. I don't want to be trying to explain why I thought our marriage vows were flexible enough to condone adultery just because I got lonely or horny.

In a Christian marriage or any marriage, Alzheimer's is a test for both spouses. Healthy spouses with your attitude will fail that test in a big way. When it comes to ethics and morality, perhaps you're not quite so "Picky," eh?

 

[AvisG]

I certainly DID NOT betray her trust. AND, what I'm doing is okay for everyone involved.
She is the one who asked me to find someone.
You can't imagine the heartbreak she went through after her, so-called church "friends" abandoned her.
Look at her in the photo. All the people from hospice who visit her twice a week say she's the happiest person with Alzheimer's they've ever seen and I am the best caregiver they've ever met.

You, sir, are simply lying to yourself. I guarantee, your wife is devastated by what you are doing. She is too loving to say so.

You aren't alone. You are lonely and horny and looking for excuses. You've found your excuse in your wife, which is as pathetic as it could get.

 

[Picky Pilot]

Your topic is very difficult. I’m so sorry your spouse has dementia.
Relationships with the opposite sex are difficult when still married. That’s probably why you are looking for advise. Pray about it ask the Holy Spirit to intervene on your behalf if you don’t know what to pray for. Pray for absolute and definite clarity.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

A person is married to someone with Alzheimer's and they don't recognize them, know they're married and haven't had any kind of physical relationship in years.
The healthy spouse often dies before the sick one due to loneliness, stress, and grief that can last for years. This happens an astounding 40% of the time.

If he/she, has a relationship outside the marriage and that develops into a caring partnership that benefits the ill spouse... How can that be wrong?

"astounding 40%"?!

That means 60% of the time it doesn't happen.

Anything that is sin, is sin. "How"? < shrugs > It is written. God Knows ....

 

[Picky Pilot]

I'm no longer looking for advice. I have all the answers and finally, I'm at peace.
I've prayed over this. ...We all have. And went to the pastor of our church who, after visiting our home and saw for himself the wonderful environment we provide for my wife, gave us his blessing. We need more pastors like that instead of those who continually drive Christians away from the fellowship.

She's happy, has gained a little weight she needed to and is enjoying life for as long as she's able. She is thriving much better than if I placed her in a facility, no matter how nice it is.
She's my wife and, even though she doesn't know me, I'll never forget or abandon her.

The Holy Spirit answered loud and clear and is pleased with the decision we made together.
If I have to answer a few of God's questions when I die, so what? I have quite a few for Him too.

For those of you concerned about that mote in my eye, be careful about swinging that plank around. You might hurt someone with it.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

Well it is written , Jesus said, "woe...."

 

[holo]

She's happy, has gained a little weight and is enjoying life for as long as she's able. She is thriving much better than if I placed her in a facility, no matter how nice it is.
I looked at a fairly high-end one but, even at $8,000 a month, she would be there with people 20 years older than her. As it is, I'll spend more on private live-in nurses, vacations, trips to the salon, spa days and "Driving Miss Daisy" anyway. It doesn't matter. She's my wife and, even though she doesn't know me, I'll never forget or abandon her.

This is love. This is compassion and taking responsibility. Your wife is fortunate to have you and we are fortunate to see there are still real men with a big heart and a strong spine out there. Keep up the good work.

Of the posters on this thread, I know who I'd want for a friend when I get old and sick, and it's not the modern Pharisees.

Thank you for sharing this. Stay strong.

 

[AvisG]

The Holy Spirit answered loud and clear and is pleased with the decision we made together.
If I have to answer a few of God's questions when I die, so what? I have quite a few for Him too.

If you think you may have to answer a few questions from God, how is it you are so confident the Holy Spirit has answered loud and clear and is pleased? Since what you are doing is directly contrary to basic Christian doctrine, I have a hard time believing the Holy Spirit is pleased. I have a hard time believing a Christian pastor would bless an adulterous union under any circumstances. I have a hard time believing any man who ever took his marriage vows seriously or ever really loved his wife would be saying the things you are saying. You're simply looking for "progressive" viewpoints where even marriage vows are subject to post-modern deconstruction.

Pharisee? In this instance, I'll wear the label proudly.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

I have a hard time believing a Christian pastor would bless an adulterous union under any circumstances.

"Christian" in name is very common perhaps, without being true Christian in life - yes, even religious leaders, like those in Jesus' Day who rejected Him.

 

[yeshuaslavejeff]

If you think you may have to answer a few questions from God, how is it you are so confident the Holy Spirit has answered loud and clear and is pleased?

When the treasure is in money, the property, the bank, the stock market,
the heart follows / is where the treasure is.

 

[Picky Pilot]

If you think you may have to answer a few questions from God, how is it you are so confident the Holy Spirit has answered loud and clear and is pleased? Since what you are doing is directly contrary to basic Christian doctrine, I have a hard time believing the Holy Spirit is pleased. I have a hard time believing a Christian pastor would bless an adulterous union under any circumstances. I have a hard time believing any man who ever took his marriage vows seriously or ever really loved his wife would be saying the things you are saying. You're simply looking for "progressive" viewpoints where even marriage vows are subject to post-modern deconstruction.

Pharisee? In this instance, I'll wear the label proudly.

As a staunch conservative, I take issue with your assertion that I'm looking for progressive viewpoints. I've loved, cared for and have been faithful to my wife for 33 years. She's the one who, after losing all her friends, asked me to find someone to be with us. As for marriage vows? Do you mean the ones written in the 1500s? What does that have to do with anything?

I have a feeling that people sometimes see their own wicked hearts and apply that knowledge to everything and everyone they encounter, always thinking the worst.
If you could only look past your narrow views and see the good that has come of this then, just perhaps, you might see it in a different light. As I've said, look at our facebook page and you decide who the primary beneficiary is. As she nears the end of her life on earth, she's leading a wonderful life, surrounded by love. If you can't see that, well, too bad for you but I could not care less.

 

[Picky Pilot]

When the treasure is in money, the property, the bank, the stock market,
the heart follows / is where the treasure is.

I don't get it. What does that have to do with anything here? Perhaps you're replying to another thread.

 

[AvisG]

As for marriage vows? Do you mean the ones written in the 1500s? What does that have to do with anything?

What difference could it possibly make when the vows were WRITTEN? The question is whether you MEANT them when you TOOK them. You obviously didn't. One wonders if your wife knew that at the time.

As she nears the end of her life on earth, she's leading a wonderful life, surrounded by love.

So do plenty of wives with Alzheimer's whose husbands aren't on Christian forums looking for excuses for their adultery.

She's the one who, after losing all her friends, asked me to find someone to be with us.

Was she thinking "in-home caretaker" or "adulterous partner"? At that stage was she thinking clearly at all?

I have a feeling that people sometimes see their own wicked hearts and apply that knowledge to everything and everyone they encounter, always thinking the worst.

(1) Marriage vow + (2) adultery = sin. I don't have to "see my own wicked heart" or "think the worst" to figure out that arithmetic.

Look, your perspective is 100% selfish. At some level you know it, or you wouldn't be here. Marriage vows don't operate on some sliding scale. Adultery doesn't operate on some sliding scale. Every male adulterer has some house-of-cards justification for why his adultery was really not such a bad thing, possibly even a good thing. As a husband you are simply clueless.

 

[AvisG]

For those of you concerned about that mote in my eye, be careful about swinging that plank around.

I have a feeling that people sometimes see their own wicked hearts and apply that knowledge to everything and everyone they encounter, always thinking the worst.

You're the one who appeared here and started this thread, apparently hoping others would condone your self-confessed adultery. Some did. To me, what you are doing is not a "mote."

How do you know what "wicked hearts" others may have, or what "planks" may be in their eyes? You have quite clearly described an abandonment of your marriage vows and your self-justification for it. You have sought opinions, and you have received them; you are angered by those who disagree with you, this and nothing more. If someone walks up to me and says "I'm committing adultery, but I think it's godly under these circumstances" - well, it would take an awfully large "plank" to keep me from seeing that "mote" for what it is.

I've loved, cared for and have been faithful to my wife for 33 years.

And then that "been faithful" part went out the window - right?

 

[mkdrive2]

I think if she forgot about you it must be a somewhat similar feeling as if she had died. I think it is honorable of you to still take care of your wife, and I think it would be better if you continued doing so. I would find it very unethical if you abandoned her completely. But as you said you don't need to deal with the loneliness alone. I do not think there is anything wrong with it. Especially since your wife is not against it. If she was against it, however, things might be a little different...

 

[Mountainmanbob]

If they can no longer take care of your physical needs, seems like a form of abandonment?

This issue reminds me of when I was a single man. Sex is important to many and actually helps to keep certain mens body organs healthy.

Rough one for a believer.
People of the world -- no problem
so they think anyway.

Nowadays I would share this problem with my Pastor. They are held to a much higher accountability.

M-Bob