God failed me.
I am finally willing to admit it that God failed me. I try to dwell on the song that he has promised he will never fail but I realize now that there is no denying it, God failed me.
I look at people around me, in church, at work, my family, everywhere, somehow they seem to have grasped the meaning of life, they go to work, they have friends, they come to church, and they are content. They have balanced their desire and their needs with the will of God. I wish I could to that too; my desire is to do the will of God, my need is to know him more, my hope is for a relationship with him, somehow though, I hang, unbalanced.
I know what I should do though; I have heard it said a million, no, billion, times. Fast and pray, Gods time is the best, he is always there, and my favorite, he loves you, always, no matter what. I believe all of that, I really do, otherwise I would have given up long ago. Actually, I confess, I have given up before but I came back. I came back and now, it hurts even more. It hurts because I cant give up again, I read my bible and I see what the lord did for Abraham, for Isaac, for Jacob, for Job, for Daniel, for Esther, for David, For Ruth, For Elijah, for those three guys he saved from the furnace, for Jonah. I read the book of Lamentations and I know hope is all I have left, that hasnt failed me. So I fast, and I pray, and I cry, oh how I sob, I go to church everyday of the week, I go for night vigils, I go for Christian concerts, I listen to Christian music, I have a song for every unfortunate situation, I am rich in Christ I tell myself, I have strength that God has given me, I am here today because of Gods grace. I dwell on the bible passages ask and ye shall receive, seek ye first the kingdom of God and everything else shall be added unto you, Oh that you would bless me oh lord and increase my territory, Only by the grace of God are we saved, need I continue?
I wish all that was wrong were just the physical things, the material things. If I didnt get into the medical school of my choice, if I didnt have a job, if I didnt have a family, if I didnt have money, or food to eat, or a room I can call home, if I didnt have any of these, then I could join other people suffering and I could really then have faith that Gods plan is the best. But thats not it. Mine is spiritual, or is it? I try to figure out a way to explain it, but I know, oh how I have learnt, that this, this can only be understood by God. I have gone to deliverance ministers to no avail. I ask the ever evasive question, Lord, why me? I would give everything up in a heartbeat, everything, my family, my job, medical school, my friends, anything you want God, anything. I made pledges, I even redeemed them, but my miracle, my testimonies, still yet to come. Was it too much to ask, how can it be? Who else can I turn to?
I know God uses trials to bring us closer to him, I welcome them. If the result of trials is a closer relationship with God, then why does it seem that my only option is to cop out? I have run out of prayers, I have run out of Shepard, my only request now is quite simple. It involves nothing, it requires nothing, and no one gets hurt, not even me.
I wake up every morning and go to bed at night with the same mustard seed faith. This mustard seed gives me faith just enough to hope and hope enough to hurt. Please save me... or not.
