Giving up ...

[DeepSigh]

How can I help someone who has chronic pain but who has given up seeking help for it?

My mother has several things that cause chronic pain, some of which I KNOW could be treated. She has a degenerated disc in her neck, lower back pain, migraines and fibromyalgia. She is on several pain meds, as well as Neurontin and a couple of anti-depressants. But she refuses to try to get any further help for the "fixable" things. Just flat refuses.

She had a doctor over ten years ago who told her she should NEVER have surgery on her neck. Well, she's listening to him, even though there's bound to have been a few technological advances since then. She hurts too much and is too exhausted to seek out any new treatments for headache, and the lower back pain is a new deal that has just come on in the last several months.

She just turned 75. She should be "out there" in the world enjoying her grandchildren and great-grandkids, going to church and Bible studies, shopping, being with friends, etc. But she can't the way she is now. All she can do is sit at home, miserable.

I'm not in judgment of her. I do understand. I have some pain issues myself, and struggle with exhaustion many days. But she's already "lost" the last ten years of her life, and I want those "years the locust have eaten" to be given back to her!

Thanks for any advice, in advance!

 

[FollowerOfIAM]

ohh well i saw you sould make sure you tell her that you support her dissisoin no matter what you think you should support her!

 

[FollowerOfIAM]

also you should help her by praying and just asking god to heal her with out surgery

send her picture of her grand children in church and try hard ok

 

[FollowerOfIAM]

if you ever want to chat with me i will be more and happy to chat
god bless

 

[Nobility]

Just keep on supporting her and keep reminding her of those things that she does love in life...

I can't say it's easy or how it can be helped, but I can pray

 

[pumanator]

Surgery...I have had 4 and they only serve to keep things most time from getting worse,but I have heard and experienced things getting worse. My mother is 77 and she has had all she can stand of the hospital and at this point getting surgery is risky for both these ladies. Also, chronic pain can sap the will to live...you get real tired of the fight and thats what it is...round after round with no end in sight except going home to be with the Lord.

Do you suffer from any chronic illness or injury/pain? If not you will not be able to relate to her and the point of view she has. Remember also that in hospital it is very easy now to get serious infections and at her age it could kill her.

You might be able to go to the doctor with her to become informed (if she will let you) and then possibly discuss options that may be of help but not so invasive.

I know its hard to fully understand her. When my Mom talks about being at peace it frightens me but I also look forward to being with the Lord and in no pain. I have been offered more surgery for my neck and lower back but can't stand the idea of another yr to 18mts of P.T. Thats the worst...trying to recover is awful and for an older person it just might be too much.

 

[Healone]

I have had Fibromyalgia for 20 years. I have had to learn much along the way. I pray that God will make some of this info useful for you.

First, make sure your Mom has a specialist in FM. Many doctors claim to understand it, but don't stay current and can make the problem worse instead of better.

There is a national organization called Fibromyalgia Network run by a woman who is disabled due to FM. They keep a list of recommended specialists. If you do a Google search on "Fibromyalgia Network" and cannot access their list of doctors, send me a PM and I'll get the info for you. They also publish a quarterly newsletter on updated research and treatments that work and that don't work, and personal issues like how to deal with pain, with your feelings, with friends and family, etc.

I noticed that some of the meds you listed have already been replaced by more recent, more effective drugs. I also note that antidepressants are listed; although these meds are used in part to treat FM, be sure her doctor is not treating FM as if it's CAUSED by depression--very common mistake.

The frustration experienced by FM patients who try this and try that on and on and on with no success leads to a withdrawal from the desire to try the next treatment. If your Mom has made a decision to not pursue more treatment options because she has research info that a given treatment doesn't work, respect her decision. If she has made this decision because she is just plain sick and tired of doctors who are repeatedly guessing at what to do next, she needs better doctors.

The pain and fatigue, as well as other symptoms of FM, respond to treatments in different ways with different people. She needs a team approach of various specialists and her family and friends to help her put her life back together and ACCEPT IT IN ITS NEW FORM. We will never be the same as we were, but we can be something, someone special. This might even require grieving the part of the life she had to give up because of the pain and fatigue, but help her replace what parts were lost with new aspects of life that God may open doors for her to pursue. Life will change, but help her fill it in with other tasks--some fun, some housework changed to reduce her pain, some rest, etc.

I will keep you and your Mom in prayer. Please feel free to PM me is you and/or your Mom want to exchange more info. Also there is a Christian site for Fibromyalgia call Rest Ministries. Google that and see if you can find it; let me know if there are problems getting there.

Much love in Jesus,
Terry
He Alone

 

[Armistead]

Sadly, many people that deal with severe pain get so tired of Doctors, they sort of give up. The best they can do is give us a lot of meds. After years of living in pain, the process of getting help wears us out, that when help may be out there, we don't want it. The process of getting help takes such an emotional toll, it's easier to live in pain.

I've seen over 40 Doctors, have been to 4 major medical schools, ect. There is no cure for what I have. There may be things that can help deal with it. The problem is
the process to get that help is usually long and frustrating. I stop seeking more help. I found the medical system a mess with a lot of uncaring doctors.

So that may be what is going on with her. Also, at her age, she may be willing to deal with it until death.

 

[neunown]

How can I help someone who has chronic pain but who has given up seeking help for it?

My mother has several things that cause chronic pain, some of which I KNOW could be treated. She has a degenerated disc in her neck, lower back pain, migraines and fibromyalgia. She is on several pain meds, as well as Neurontin and a couple of anti-depressants. But she refuses to try to get any further help for the "fixable" things. Just flat refuses.

i had encountered a similar thing with my mother before she had passed away of cancer a year ago; there were many things that could have been done to help her, and we were doing them; she was even beginning to get better, but people around her decided that it was time for her to die instead, despite her progress and the hope given to her by her doctor

there were two main problems which arose:

1. elderly people dont have the same energy levels to implement the recovery disciplines that young people generally have; the recovery disciplines sometimes require the fortitude of an olympic level athlete to implement; young people can do this but elderly people often lack the energy; self-maintenance is very performance based; relatives may or may not have the faith and/or energy levels to administer the proper care

2. relatives who have never experienced terminal and/or chronic illness generally lack an understanding of the seriousness of an illness, and thereby tend to neglectfully minimize the importance of recovery procedures; when they see that their loved one doesnt immediately respond to pills or surgeries in the context of instantaneous recovery, they then succumb to faithlessness and begin to inject that faithlessness as an additional poison into the terminally and/or chronically ill person; this further hampers potential recovery

 

[YorkshireLass]

I just wanted to say how sorry I am and that I think you are doing a wonderful job. I know it is getting to you. Just keep showing your love.
God bless you.
Yorke

 

[sumofox]

Have any back suffer try the new 12 minutes machine Back for life to eliminate back pain tell me if you did.

 

[Blank123]

i'm sorry i know how hard it is to watch someone you love suffer so much

i think all you can do though is tell her what her options are and then love and stand by her regardless of what her decision. but i think something you have to undrstand is that when someone suffers from chronic pain, and i'm sure this only gets progressively worse as the person is getting older in life, the more doctors, treatments, etc... a person has to go through really can sap their drive and motivation to seek out second opinions or further options. I know when i was in the diagnosis process i only saw three specialists and spent about a month in physiotherapy that was enough for me to decide i didn't want to deal with the system anymore, and i got off easy . it just becomes very frustrating when you're not seeing any results or getting any answers.

Something else to consider as well is perhaps your mother is at a point now where she needs to learn to enjoy her life despite her pain and the best way to help her do that is to be there for her, love her, encourage her especially when she's having a bad day and encourage your family and her friends/church body to do the same.

 

[2scoops]

I used to have chronic back pain, a book called Pain Free for Life by Scott Brady did wonders for me! You may want to search for books by John E sarno as well.