Give "Bad" Advice (3)

[brinny]

Make yerself sneeze with a bubble coming from yer nostril, and be oblivious to it and keep talking to them in nonsensical phrases.

How do i get the tv news station to switch anchors?

 

[Quid est Veritas?]

How can I surreptitiously make sure the babysitter is not doing something dodgy while I am out?

 

[Chesterton]

Get rid of that baby and make a better one with CRISPR so that it's genetically engineered to be able to speak when it's one week old, then you'll have a baby that can snitch.

How can I know if my tap water is safe?

 

[Petros2015]

How can I know if my tap water is safe?

Feed it to the genetically engineered baby

How can I route all political campaign spam from one party to the other?

 

[Ceallaigh]

Use two cans connected by a string.

I need to get rid of bedbugs.

 

[gerbilwoman]

Buy a cheap couch so the bedbugs become couchbugs. Then get rid of the couch.

What do I do if I don’t understand something in the Bible?

 

[Chesterton]

Ask Creflo Dollar about it.

How can I get to be in the Macy's Thanksgiving Day Parade (even though I wasn't invited)?

 

[MissRowy]

Do what they do at football games. Strip your gear off and run into the parade...

What should I have for dinner tonight?

 

[Chesterton]

Cheetos and vodka.

What can I put on my Christmas tree to make it unique?

 

[public hermit]

Cheetos and vodka.

What can I put on my Christmas tree to make it unique?

One shotgun shell. You can tell folks it's a cartridge in a bare tree.

I've been putting my pants on one leg at a time. Is there a better way?

 

[MissRowy]

Don't wear pants! Wear shorts!

Can you tell me a good way to cut down sugar?

 

[Chesterton]

A good way to cut down what, darling?

How can I keep this snowman alive all year long?

 

[Yusuphhai]

In ice box.

How to translate the sign language of the chimpanzee into English?

 

[Chesterton]

I'd advise you to stop wanting to talk to monkeys.

How can I cure my addiction to playing bingo?

 

[joymercy]

tie your shoe laces together so you cant go

how can I evacuate my bowels?

 

[Yusuphhai]

Always in Rest Room.

How can I know I have no Japanese blood lineage?

 

[Chesterton]

There's no way to know for sure. You'll just have to lie awake nights worrying about it.

How to save on printer ink?

 

[Yusuphhai]

mix blood of sheep into the ink.

How to keep awake whole night?

 

[public hermit]

Probably the best thing to do is frame your question in such a way that it allows for one to give bad advice. Oh wait, that's good advice. Sorry.

I just realized I have ten toes but don't seem to use them all. Any advice for using all my toes?

 

[LovebirdsFlying]

Threaten to prune them if they don't pull their load. Works for tree branches.

Speaking of trees, how can I make my Japanese Maple happy?